Zodiac
- You may be looking for Zodiak and not even know it!
The thirteen-ish constellations on the plane of the ecliptic are collectively known as the zodiac, and have vitally important significance to astrologers and other wankers. The zodiac is named after General Zod, who used his Kryptonian powers to move the stars into their present positions.
A zodiac is also a powerful drug that can have lethal consequences when taken anally.
The Thirteen Signs of the Zodiac[edit | edit source]
Pisces O' Fish[edit | edit source]
Mar 12 – Apr 18
“No wonder they say something fishy.”
Formerly Pisces the Fish until acquired by Birdseye. Pisces usually end up like bad guys from the Doctor Who show. They are composed almost entirely of cellophane, plywood and green paint. Ideal careers include Leading World Conquest, Leading World Domination and Attempting Global Takeover-tude. Their lucky number is 5i + 41^(3/7). If there are fish in the sea u can see me! In the end I love being a Pisces. Also in the sky Pisces is seen as two fish on a line therefore the God pisces was a dumbass who got caught twice. Pisces peeps have big eyes that reveal what they are thinking, usually about random shit that doesn't make any sense. They rule the feet and love feet sex. Pisces was created when two hobbits fell in a magical lake. They turned into fish. Years later, Kurt Cobain was fishing under a bridge in this lake and caught them. He ate em for dinner and became depressed and creative. Kurt Cobain tooted and the farts turned into people, thus the Pisces race being born.
Aries the Ram[edit | edit source]
Apr 19 – May 13
Those fortunate enough to be born under this sign are known for their reputation as tough, honourable, chivalrous mad dogs with natural talent at all things sexual and consequently are extremely popular with the opposite sex. They typically bang Aquarian and Aries and any other star sign that wants some. Ideal careers include professional outlaws and/or vigilante cops. Aries's mascot was originally going to be a bear, but Winnie the Pooh filed a lawsuit on the Arian race and they had to choose an animal on the spot; of all the animals a ram seemed suitable. Aries rules the head, which means Arians are cursed with the Ramming Disease, which causes the victim to ram bigger objects then themselves and feel good about themselves when they manage to knock the thing or person down. Aries comes from the ancient tale of Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris caused a mountain to form when he yawned and decided to climb it. Whilst at the top he discovered a ram drinking Mountain Dew, the ram's horns turned golden right before Chuck's eyes and Mr. Norris knew this was his chance to make a move on. Chuck could never bang a human; it would be instant death, the ram with the golden horns were the next best thing. He banged the ram and it died within sixty seconds, however within that full minute, Chuck's super sperm combined with golden ram ovaries produced a super baby to be born instantly, Princess Leia was born, thus the Arian Race formed.
Barry the Clam[edit | edit source]
May 14 – Jun 19
Barries are fantastic in bed but not much to look at. Still, you don't look at the mantle when you're stoking the fire, know what I mean? They typically marry each other, the lucky SOBs. Ideal careers include celeriac rancher and osprey impersonator. Their lucky number is 8. People born under this sign have a tendency to make jokes about how they're "great once they open up" – which explains the contempt shown to them by people of all other signs.
Leo the most magnificent sign[edit | edit source]
july 23 – August 23
The people of the Leo sign really are magnificent, wise, wonderful and full of surprises, that's why this sign is the king of the zodiac, it could be the best sign. Leeks have an excellent flavor and are made of chocolate. Their lucky number is 46,568,111 ... They usually end up living at home for long periods of time and this results in the abandonment of friends. Ideal careers include Soup Maker, Couch Potato, Dog Walker, the always popular Internet Hacker or giving Levan Polka a leek.
Libra the Librarian[edit | edit source]
Oct 31 – Nov 22
Libras are deathly dull creatures who perform a useful social function by droning on and on about how bad taxes are, until you actually start to enjoy paying them. Ideal spouse is a tone deaf and prefferably illiterate person of their later years. Ideal career is blogging, nagging, weighing fruits and vegetables in a greengrocery or a supermarket, whining and the occasional ranting . Lucky number is 4 since is even and can be equally distributed. See also Ayn Rand.
Tony the Bull[edit | edit source]
Nov 23 – Nov 29
A member of the Giacana crime syndicate, Tony was brutally gunned down outside the "Lucky 8" nightclub Chicago, 1967. His killers have never been brought to trial. Tonys are tough and brave and will seek justice. Their ideal spouse is someone who keeps their mouth shut. Their ideal career is working for the family business or transporting Romanian poontang.
Ophiuchus the Snake Fucker[edit | edit source]
Nov 30 – Dec 17
You have a special gift in medical science. The downside is that you will sell yourself to get snakes fucking you in the ass raw. Your ideal spouse and ideal career are self-explanatory.
Sanitarium the Breakfast Cereal with 10% more fiber and no added sugar[edit | edit source]
Dec 18 – Jan 18
Formerly Sagittarius, this sign was one of the first to accept corporate sponsorship. Sanitarians get plenty of fiber, have excellent digestion and taste just delightful with yogurt. Ideal spouse is a Virgo. No reason, okay? It just is. Ideal jobs include wheat farmer, raisin rancher, shelf-stacker and box-maker. Lucky number is −8.
Capricorn the Goat[edit | edit source]
Jan 19 – Feb 15
“It is we who stare at the goats.”
Spineless, retarded and trying to come off as witty; Capricorns are the tools of the world and are laughed at by one and all. Dumb, potty mouthed and poorly endowed; all want to smash their irritating faces to shut them up. Ideal mate is a cheap prostitute and ideal careers include President Of The United States, gimp, janitor, artist (a.k.a. lazy ass with no life), geek, Taco Bell mascot, and wannabe cunt magnet. Though, the Cap has a rep of being a total SMARTASS (even though they are not smart at all). They are so damn crappy, that the rate of Caps becoming emo is a shocking 68.21%. Riveting isn't it? Caps are selfish, greedy, and apparently smell like fruit-loops, don't ask why, k? Capricorns are cursed with having the most lame ass mascot and the most dumb ass name. Capricorns usually go evil and kill people because of this fact. There really is no damn story behind Capricorns, their mascot is a goat created by the devil who banged Moby Dick who had several children.
Aquarius the Water Bottle[edit | edit source]
Jan 20 – Feb 18
Aquarians represent the less boring version of the Capricorns. They are unfit for longstanding careers, marriages and any commitment to anyone or anything. The ideal job for an Aquarius is artist (a.k.a. slacker). As the name suggests, they like all liquids, especially those relating to semen. Aquarians are commonly bisexual so they can bang two treats at once. Saucaay! You would think Aquarius's element would be water but that's very wrong: It's actually air. Apparently AQUArius the water carrier has to do with air since water already had all its spots taken. AIRies wouldn't work either, unfortunately, because that name's taken. (WATTer wasn't a quarius.) Scorpio and Aquarius should have their damn names switched so Aquarius is in water and has the traits of Scorpio and Scorpio just be the new Aquarius because scorpions don't have anything to do with water and a quarius has nothing to do with air. This just explains how much bullshit the zodiac really is. Aquariuses try to convince everyone that their idea is right and they hate every damn person who doesn't agree. That basically sums up their traits.
See also[edit | edit source]
Antropomorphing ~ Astrology ~ Astronomy ~ Ball gazing ~ Clairvoyance ~ Confucius ~ Dice ~ Fortune cookies ~ Horoscopes ~ Illuminati ~ Jacques Attali ~ Knowing ~ Magic 8-Ball ~ Magic Decoder Ring ~ Miss Cleo ~ Necromancy ~ Nostradamus ~ Occult ~ Palmistry ~ Phrenology ~ Prayer ~ Prophecy ~ Psychic ~ Scatomancy ~ Sun Tzu ~ Tarot ~ Telepathy ~ Zodiac