Zodiak
What is your true calling? Could you be a frustrated goat in search of the perfect scorpion? Are you longing for the romance of a set of scales firmly embedded into a pair of fish? Was your last lover too weird for you and experimented with your brain when you were sleeping? Well, if you've been asking those questions you may want to look to the stars and get help and advice from a sun signs expert, to teach you the ways of the Zodiak. Here you'll find your answers! But really the answers are stupid and nobody cares. We were all born on rotten days. Truth be known, there are supposed to be thirteen damned months and just as many signs! But thanks to the New World Order, Satan, and Satan Claus we have all been rounded up into a time configuration that adds up to a number. That number just happens to be six hundred sixty-six. What's more is that every sign in the Zodiak is based on a discarded draft of Chinese lore that used various animals for their calendar, such as the Rat, the Rabbit, and a Dragon. The Zodiak is a cheap copy of the ancient Chinese secret that ended up being marketed as Calgon. Because of this, everyone is fucked up.
Signs of the Zodiak[edit | edit source]
Aries[edit | edit source]
22 Mars – 20 Apriel
Arians are independent and hold most people in contempt. They have a quick fiery temper and are impatient and scornful of advice. They can be exceedingly abrupt and blunt. Their arrogance knows no bounds. They think there are only two ways to do anything – their way and the wrong way. They may be right, but they lack diplomatic skills. When it comes to relationships and commitment they are still looking for the meaningful one-night-stand. They're not as tall as they say they are.
Personality
Over-confident until their fragile little bubbles are popped and they cry like babies. They have no staying power, no stamina for a fight, no resistance and no reserves. They are weak and would probably bribe their way out of any trouble. In any real risky situation you'll find them leading from the back. Once the excitement and danger is over they will become very vocal about their achievements and success on the field – how very brave they were, and how the whole battle would have been lost if they hadn't saved the day at the last moment, by the skin of their teeth. This is, of course, a complete fiction.
They do like to gamble – with your affections, with the law, with their very lives. You'd be better off having nothing to do with them in case they drag you down with them into the bankruptcy courts, the pits, even into Hell itself.
They are unbelievably competitive and will turn anything into a bet, a competition, a race, a wager, a gamble, a contest, a fight. Put them under any real pressure, though, and they'll cave in. They'll do anything to win and will resort to trickery, fraud, lying and good old-fashioned cheating. This applies to any situation – relationships, business, love and friendships. They grow into grumpy old men and sour old women. Mind you, they start out pretty grumpy – but it reaches a climax only when they are old and think they can get away with it. They are lazy, self-indulgent, corrupt and bloodsuckers – and that's the good side of them.
Aries in Love
These people love to fall in love. They do love very well. Like an erupting volcano that spews gooey lava onto everything. Melting its fire into your heart, eyes, clothes, skin, soul, and covering you with ashes when the fireworks fade. But still clinging to any love that's long gone like a thermal reading near volcanic activity knowing nobody in their right mind will approach a seething mountain and say Hey you, stop it! You could cook an egg on here!
They are completely unreliable in love and will be swearing undying devotion while trying to seduce your sister, your brother, or both. They come across as curiously old-fashioned but they have the morals of a mongoose. They'll take you to a Greek island – as long as they can get cheap flights – and spend the whole time trying to have a holiday romance under your very nose.
If it involves leather, whips, pain, humiliation and degradation – it'll be too tame for them.
Aries in Business
Tell them they are arrogant and bossy and they won't have a clue what you are talking about. They think they are caring, supportive and kind and thoughtful. That shows you how out of touch with themselves they are. If they work for others they are uppity, unhelpful, lazy, and will cheerfully steal your ideas and claim them as their own. They use the office as a place for seduction, corruption and sleep and will happily claim unfair dismissal if they get caught. They will gossip and cause trouble if you don't keep an eye on them permanently.
If they work for themselves they either go bankrupt or make a fortune – nothing in-between for them. They have the business sense of Daffy Duck.
Taurus[edit | edit source]
21 April – 21 May
Taureans like others to think of them as refined, and experts when it comes to food and drink. This is just a cover; they are in reality a glutton and a drunk. Ruddy-faced, cheerful and slightly drunk old buffoons – think Santa Claus, think Falstaff, think Duke Ellington. They have too many close relatives.
Personality
Hey, don't cross these babies. They have horns and spikes and all sorts of weapons. They probably sleep with shotguns under the bed. They are quick to lose their temper. They like to throw tantrums to get their own way and will carry on doing so long after childhood has left them behind. If they can't get their own way they'll attack you. Cross them at your peril.
They are like oak trees; unable to move, easy to get struck down in storms, big, ugly, strong and stupid. They feel threatened a lot. They tend to barricade themselves in behind security devices, barbed wire, gun turrets and arrow slits. They think everyone is out to rob them. We are.
Don't ever ask one of them what they think. For a start they'll tell you and tell you in blunt, plain old fashioned words. Boy, do they have a mouth on them. They drone on endlessly once asked. Don't give them the opportunity. Shut them up or they'll bore you forever. They could bore for their country. They are slow and cowardly but disguise it as not liking to be rushed – not taking risks. Taureans are so rich it's worth the effort of stealing from them. Other signs are poor, so not worth bothering with, but a Taurus will always reward you with rich pickings. They know this and hide their stuff away – it's always under the bed by the way. They have too many books.
Taurus in Love
They avoid falling in love. It cramps their style. Their style being a drunk, fat bull, hoarding money. Once they do fall in love you'd better hope it ain't you. They will stifle you, lock you away, smother you with tacky gifts, suffocate you with attention and affection. They think having lots of children will keep them safe from being dumped. They have a particularly claustrophobic approach to long-term relationships – you aren't allowed out of their sight. Instinctively they know they're going to get dumped eventually and they try everything to prevent it – which brings it on all the quicker. They hate to be betrayed and will get so angry and put on such a show of indignation, they bellow. Brilliant fun to goad one. But if you do betray one stay well out of their way, as they are very violent when aroused, and are likely to commit murder – or assault at the very least. You wouldn't want one of these as a real enemy. However they will make enemies everywhere they go.
They like to plot a seduction though and will ponderously go about it. But finesse, charm, grace? No, these are not words they will be familiar with. Exaggerated, theatrical, overexcited, now that's more like it. Think bulls rutting. Think cows being mounted. Think bovine. Think big. Think ungainly. Think all over in a second.
They are immune to subtlety. If they flirt with you and you are disgusted you should try to resort to a colorful barroom brawl with breaking beer bottles and slashing at them rather than laughing and moving to another table and stating for them to go away, that you are not going to sleep with them, they are repugnant.
Taurus in Business
Once a deal is struck - and it will be on their terms believe me – they'll stick to it through thick and thin.
Unflinching loyalty is their strong point – their only one. They like to think they've got good taste but it is firmly set in the 1950s.
I wouldn't employ one, they're such sticklers for details, far too bogged down in petty rules and bureaucracy. They don't have a lot of initiative. They also steal pens.
Gemini[edit | edit source]
22 May – 21 June
For a Gemini, life is just one long game. It has no reality – they see it all as a movie or a computer game. They are good at business but shouldn't be trusted near others' piggy banks, pocket money or purses. They'll steal and lie and cheat – just so long as they look good and appear on top. They have no morals, no ethics and will reach the top. They'd sell their granny if they could make money on her.
Personality
What quality do you think they value above all others? Cunning, that's what. Not a very nice thing to live your life by, is it? But that's what gets them out of bed. Offer them an honest $100 and they'd turn it down for the crooked $10. They like to think they've managed to trick you, to sell you faulty goods. They are more crooked than you'd ever believe.
They also like to talk about themselves rather too much. Because they all suffer from split-personalities, there are two of each of them to bore you to death with all the details of their cons and tricks and swindles and merry japes. They think all the stunts they've pulled off make them somehow more attractive, charming, alluring. Instead it makes them seem thin and mean and callous. They make good bar room lawyers. You'll often find Gemini in exotic places where it suits their mood exactly – modern, loud, dangerous, open to deals being struck. They are restless people and often end up living abroad – mainly to escape the tax, the police, the landlord, people they've conned or abused or upset.
Always selling, plotting, planning, scheming. They are shallow little beasts and care only about turning a dollar, making a buck, earning a bob or two – and even, if necessary, picking a pocket or two. They are lively, inquisitive, and almost rodent-like. They hate injustice – perceived or real – and will make a great nuisance of themselves writing to newspapers about unintended slights perpetrated on them by shop workers, garage assistants and police officers. They suffer a permanent persecution complex. They deserve to be persecuted.
Gemini in Love
When Gemini falls in love doesn't everybody have to hear about it? All the gory details. It's enough to make you sick. Why can't they keep it all to themselves? When they get dumped you'd think the world had ended. The sad thing is, it seems to happen so often, so regularly, you'd think they'd either get used to it or have a look at why it happens so much.
They do like to dominate in a relationship. Any partner is in for a cruel awakening when they realize they are going to play second fiddle to a jumped up little dictator. Then they're usually out of there pretty quick, leaving behind a broken-hearted Gemini crying twice as loud and twice as long.
Don't expect them to read books about relationships, they don't see any need to change anything – it's always somebody else's fault. They don't read any books actually.
Gemini in Business
They sell cars, toasters, carpets. Anything to anybody, anytime, anywhere. They love to sell. Just as long as they feel they are getting one over on you they are happy. Whatever you do don't employ one. They will steal the office furniture out from underneath you – and then sell it back to you. They have no scruples in business.
In business they are happy as long as they can talk – and they can talk the proverbial hind-leg off a donkey. They'll talk to anyone about anything, all of it total nonsense. They have no qualifications for the job they do – they will have talked their way in of course. They feel they have something to prove all the time. The weight of the chip on the shoulder is enormous.
If they work for anyone else they will cause trouble. They always think they know how to do your job better than you do and they will stir up feelings of negativity and discontent in the workplace. Intellectually they are a bit lightweight, a bit trivial, a bit slender, so don't give them anything taxing to do or anything requiring research or the use of a computer – they'll just break it. They break everything eventually, as they can't stop fiddling. As children they broke all their toys, blamed their siblings, and then claimed they weren't loved as they had nothing to play with.
Cancer[edit | edit source]
22 Juneous – 22 Julius
Because this sign has no life of their own, they just love to hear about other people's problems – and they are gullible enough to think they might be of some help. How can they be when they have had no real experiences? They're supposed to be good home makers – this is a myth – but they've spread this rumor because they're just too scared to go into the real world and find out what it's like. They think they have exquisite taste – but their style is old-fashioned, dark and boring. They will get fat no matter what they eat.
Personality
Their idea of a good night out is a dinner party – at their own house. Clinically they are agoraphobic although they invariably claim they are merely home-loving. They are the sign of the crab – do you want to know why? Because the sea that they live near is the perfect representation of their emotional state: wet, vast, capable of sinking pretty well anyone and unfathomable.
They are self-pitying, weak, pathetic, emotional limp rags. They wear their heart on their sleeves and by golly isn't it a wet one.
Basically they are unstable, bordering slightly on the barking-mad. Not interesting-mad like Aquarians, or dangerous-mad like Scorpio, but scary-mad; you wouldn't want to be alone with one when they go off their trolleys. Think bunnies in boiling water, think a knife across your throat while you're sleeping.
They are extremely clingy. Don't let them get too close or you'll regret it. They claim to be intuitive (they spy on people), protective (they smother people), cautious (they are afraid to take risks), excellent home-makers (agoraphobic), sympathetic listeners (they just want your gossip) and imaginative (no sense of reality). Cancers are moody and will snap at you for no apparent reason. To be back in their good graces you will have to ritually humiliate yourself, go down on bended knee and beg forgiveness, promising you'll never do it again. And you'll never know what it was you did wrong. The reason for all this is they are simply control freaks. They want you uneasy, uncertain, afraid to put a foot wrong. They emotionally blackmail you to get whatever it is they want and that can change from moment to moment – just to keep you on your toes. For Cancers life is one big drama.
Cancer in Love
Oh what a wet mess they'll make of this. Cancer in love? You'll never hear the end of it when it comes to matters of the heart; they've met the right person or the wrong person; they've fallen in love at first sight, or after a long-term friendship; they've fallen for someone unsuitable, or completely suitable. I think they mistake us for someone who gives a damn. But still they'll go on about their love affairs, their broken heart or mended heart, their cute kids. It's all the same, emotional drivel.
Whatever you do don't make the mistake of looking bored or as if you're not listening. That might be the last straw that sends them off their trolley. They hate to be ignored. When it comes to love, they hate not to be taken seriously. Special care must be taken when dealing with a Cancerian lover – you mustn't mock them or tease them or poke fun at them. God fucking forbid. They can't take a fucking joke. They have no goddamn sense of humor and very little sense of fun. They make a pretty big song and dance out of anything to do with love – soppy poetry, flowers, gifts, romantic locations, rings, tokens, body language, signals (conscious or unconscious, you've been warned) and will stifle any sense of freedom, fresh air, time away from them, your own space, a day off, a night off or even daring to watch TV while they're talking to you.
They're also not at all prudish when it comes to sex. They are dirty little things. They keep their desires pretty quiet until they've hooked you and then they'll go berserk and expect you to perform all manner of bizarre and down-right deviant acts of sexual depravity. Cancer and sex is all a matter of extremes – extreme lust or extreme tennis. And you'll never know which so don't be getting any ideas, you'll be wrong.
Cancer in Business
Cancerians work well if you give them lots of direction, orders, rules, rituals, things to fetch and carry – otherwise they are bitching, brooding, and self-opinionated. You can never tell which sort you're going to get before you employ them. And if you are unsatisfied you can't sack them – you'd never hear the end of it, never stop them crying and clutching hankies. They often don't have to do any work at all as they marry whores or inherit wealth or just find it in the street. Their homes have too much sadness in them.
Leo[edit | edit source]
23 Juli – 23 Augustus
Ego first, second and last with a Leo. If only they'd stop to realize that the world doesn't quite revolve around them as much as they think it does. They are so full of themselves that others are taken in and they can build up quite a following of sycophants and hangers-on. This only helps bolster their already over-inflated sense of worth. They think any job they have is a career. They fail to notice how bad their lovers are because they're so busy watching their own performance – and that's what it is, a performance. They wear too much make-up and think they are so hot when they are really not. Otherwise known as posers, faggots, or dumbasses.
Personality
They like to think that they are at their best in a noisy restaurant, being the center of attraction, holding forth at the top of the table. But watch them slink away when its time to pay the bill. Not your most generous of signs this one. They bring white and drink red, and they drink far too much. Holding forth is probably their best position. They do love to tell everyone else what to think. They are bossy, dogmatic, opinionated and conceited. Trouble is, their opinions are always biased, subjective, unfair, based entirely on their own experiences, and short on facts. They have poor taste in clothes, as they think yesterday's fashions are still today's. Who'd have the nerve to tell them though?
And what is that thing they have about their hair? It is invariably messy, tangled and bushy and needs a good cut. They think they look like a lion, how wrong can you get? They always seem to have an underling or a violent psychotic serial killer do all their work. They are distinctly below-average at everything. They know this and suffer terrible self-esteem problems. Good.
When they get old they get terribly depressed and make the mistake of thinking we care. Their teeth are often yellow because they smoke too much and drink too much coffee.
Leo in Love
What a showy little dog this one will turn out to be. A Leo in love, God protect us. This one will run and run – for about a week. You see the Leo is destined to be hurt in love, nay tortured, dismembered, torn apart. They bring it on themselves. If they could learn to keep their trap shut for five minutes they might just hang onto a lover. But they don't. And they have the emotional depth of a tablespoon. They do love to change, to criticize, to tidy up, to argue with and finally, to drive away. It's in their nature. It's in their genes.
They fall in love with the most horribly unsuitable people; emotional cripples, too young, too old, too tall, too poor, already married (lots of this one), wrong gender, wrong planet.
They seek a white knight in shining armor who will rescue them from their current love affair which has gone horribly wrong. Then when you do saddle up they'll play it all frosty and tell you that you've arrived at the wrong time, wrong place, or with the wrong color armor, or that you've ridden the horse all wrong. You'd think they'd be grateful to have someone to be rescued by.
Not a bit of it.
Leo in Business
Like the African lion that they are named after, they are fat and indolent, cowardly and very lazy. They think they are good at business but how could they possibly be? They have no staying power, no endurance, no money and no ideas.
They like to run the show, but they lack any skills to do it. If only someone would tell them how bad they are at everything perhaps they'd go away and leave us to make some money. They make a lot of mistakes, all of which they try to cover up or blame someone else for.
In business, as in everything else, they like to be in control. God knows why, they're hopeless at it all. They make lousy parents as well as lousy business people, entertainers, singers, dancers and PR people. They make good show-offs, though.
If you are resolved to employ one make sure everything is nailed down or insured or replaceable or retrievable or expendable or disposable. They break stuff. They don't understand computers and cause them to crash. They deny this.
Virgo[edit | edit source]
24 Augustine – 22 Septembre
Their need for cleanliness and order is an obsession. Highly methodical, excessively neat, unbearably tidy, and organized. They colour code everything and make endless lists – they even have lists of their lists. They have no emotions and might just as well be replaced by a machine. Think Frodo Baggins. And Bilbo Baggins – because of them Middle Earth was cleaned-up and tidy because that's how they kept the ever boring Shire. No more looming dark towers, ominous fortresses and interesting dungeons, no more nasty creatures who talk funny. No more volcano and spewing lava after they'd gotten through with it all. No fun now is there? Fucking meddling Virgos.
Personality
The sign of Virgo is supposed to mean virgin. Well, the true sign of Virgo is a brick wall. They're book-keepers and have all the exhilaration of a filing cabinet. Look inside their wardrobe. Have you ever seen anything so unnaturally neat?
They are fussy and hypochondriacs. If you visit their house, you'll be accosted with a spray of Lysol into your face and wiped down and you'd better not be breathing any germs into the air unless you want disembowelled.
Virgo in Love
Don't be lusting after this sign. Sure they are eye candy to be sure, but admire them from afar. If your eyes get too close to their goods, they'll just have eye-drops and cucumber slices to help you with your puffy and bloodshot eyes because they love you. Then they'll follow with a good face pack that will lift all the debris and dead skin cells off your skin to reveal a younger-looking you. A squeaky clean you. Massages, and bathing you in bubbly baths in a candlelit setting could be interesting but you know there's a hair-wax-removal ritual in there somehow. Be ready for excruciating pain.
They drink herbal teas, so if you want to make a really big impression on them suggest a cup of hot water, that'll get them. Sex with a Virgo is clean and always in safe seclusion. And no, you can't lie there afterwards having a cigarette – heaven forbid.
Virgo in Business
They're good at it. No matter what it is. If 'Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap' were a legit business, you'd better bend over and kiss your ass goodbye. They'd find you. They have organized data like Italians have organized crime. Virgos are really criminals – high collar. Advanced. They've taken over the world goddamnit. Dust bunnies are doomed.
Libra[edit | edit source]
23 September – 23 Oktober
Librans think of themselves as balanced and able to weigh up both sides – in actual fact they are ditherers with no real opinions or beliefs. They think they are quite artistic, but most people see them as wishy-washy and indecisive with no grip on reality. Quite right too. They are cowardly and incapable of standing up to anyone or anything. They would make a good professional yes-person. They have a weakness for all things sweet and sickly. They eat too many tea cakes.
Personality
If wall paper had opinions then Libra would steal them. They don't have a single original idea of their own. They will claim original ideas as their own. But they're not. Not really. They are also very gullible, so you can implant false opinions in them and then stand back and watch the fun as they set out to convince everyone that what they say is true.
They see a challenging job as being an actor or dancer – one-man band would be a little taxing for them. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying your typical Libra is shallow, but a sheet of paper has more depth than they do. They are frivolous, changeable, superficial and idealistic. The idea of 3D has never entered their pretty little heads. They are terribly petty and they spend far too much time decorating their home.
Libra in Love
They are complete lounge lizards and will cheerfully secure, love, and leave any willing victim who crosses their path. A Libran would do anything, or anyone, who would give them house room. If you should be so unfortunate – or shallow enough – to fall in love with a Libra, then you will spend a lot of time waiting for them to come home; they'll be off making goo-goo eyes at someone else. They have the morals of a rat and the ethics of a guttersnipe.
Anything as strong as love leaves them out in the cold – they don't experience it because it is too deep for them. Mind you some puddles are too deep for them as well.
Libra in Business
Ha! There's an oxymoron if I ever heard one – Libra in business. Libra in sloth, Libra in laziness, Libra in indolence, that sounds more like it. They have all the aptitude and capacity for work, and earning money as a chimp has for typing Shakespeare. They have no smart clothes. Nuff said.
Scorpio[edit | edit source]
24 Octobre – 22 Novembre
Scorpios are disruptive and cruel – and they like it that way. They spent their childhood pulling the wings off flies and now they feel hampered and restricted because they can't do it as an adult. So they just go out of their way to irritate everyone around them. They like offending people and have no social graces whatsoever. They may well end up being assassinated. They are very argumentative.
Personality
They have lots and lots of really aggressive emotions. Ones which would tear us apart. Scorpio instead thrives on them – they are all feelings of murder. Scorpio is a magnet for weak and unstable people. They collect weirdos, oddballs, wackoes and loonies – anyone they can control, torture, inflict pain on and generally abuse.
If you want a spy or an assassin, or an industrial espionage expert, then get yourself one of these. They won't let you down. They can steal, kill, pillage and all with a smile on their face. They like to be seen as rebellious, debonair and suave. They are simply unpleasant and cruel. Prisons are full of Scorpios. They don't like to be bored. If they are allowed to get bored then they can become quite spiteful. Out of this spitefulness comes a truly unpleasant and sadistic nature that revels in preying on the weak, the vulnerable and the defenceless – they like to inflict pain on helpless little creatures. Unfortunately, that means the rest of us.
Scorpio in Love
Look, I don't want to be unpleasant but Scorpio in love is something I don't want to think about, let alone write about. It is simply too dark, too dirty, too close to the knuckle. They don't have the same respect for the law as the rest of us and will happily commit every sexual taboo going, and a few that haven't been invented yet.
I'm not sure they are capable of falling in love. Falling in lust, yes, but love? I don't think so. To fall in love you need a heart. They have a lump of ice there instead. Think James Bond here. Would he fall in love? Of course not. He'd have sex and then shoot them. That's the perfect love affair for a Scorpio. Dark, dangerous, mad, and sadistic. If you run into a Scorpio Pirate, with a hook for a hand, be sure he'll still pleasure himself if he has to. With the HOOK!
As for what goes on in a Scorpio bedroom, I don't want to know. You go there but don't tell me.
Scorpio in Business
Scorpios are passionate people and like their work to reflect this. If they do have a normal job it will be one where they can work in the background and still be the star – a research scientist or an inventor. Just don't expect them to invent or discover anything that benefits mankind.
If they have a career, and frankly they would rather inherit their wealth – then they do well in any field that involves secrets – a psychiatrist, a detective (think Sherlock Holmes), or even an undertaker. They do the dark and unsavoury jobs none of the rest of us would want to.
Sagittarius[edit | edit source]
23 Novembre – 21 Decembre
Sagittarians have no real talent or skills and survive purely on gut instinct and luck. They are a status-seeking snob with a reckless risk-taking approach to life – which seems to pay off, for the moment (but their day is coming). They really care what other people think of them – how pathetic. They love travel, but it's really only running away for them, isn't it? Anything to avoid an honest day's work.
Personality
The symbol of Sagittarius is a centaur firing a bow and arrow – strange or what? Half-human, half-horse, with six limbs. And what are they shooting at? No one knows, no one cares. Actually they are a bit ordinary and the only thing extraordinary about them is that they have this silly symbol. Yes, that's it. A silly symbol and they dine out on that.
The truth is, they don't have much of a personality. They are a bit like cotton wool. You know it's there. You know it has a purpose. But that's about it. You couldn't have a conversation with cotton wool could you? Or a meaningful relationship. Or give it a job.
They always think they have some hidden talent. They end up blaming everyone else for not being discovered. It never occurs to them that we looked under their rock and deemed them talentless and undiscoverable – we passed them by. There are two types of Sags, the quiet depressed hermit-type and the pompous, knowledgeable, know-it-all type. They love hanging out in big gatherings where they think they're the center of attention. They actually blend rather nicely into the wallpaper.
Sagittarius in Love
A Sagittarius don't touch much. They do, however, like to be touched, a lot. Perhaps because they are a little touched in the head? Their idea of romance is to send their lover a postcard from some exotic place they have fled to. They often travel alone because no one else will go with them.
Sagittarius in Business
They think they work hard because they spend so much time locked up in their own heads, but in the meantime they haven't actually lifted a finger. If they do have a job they'll find a million ways to shirk their duties. They usually come up with a good line in fictitious illnesses, aches and pains, and unprovable headaches. They phone in sick so often their employer forgets they were ever employed in the first place. They are simply monstrously lazy.
Capricorn[edit | edit source]
22 Decembre – 19 Januaris
One day a Capricorn will take a risk and the world will stop in shock. They are cool to the point of being frozen; self-possessed to the point of Leonardo DiCaprio; and skeptical to the point of not even believing in themselves. They are the old-fashioned type – stuck in another era – when wood shoes were hot. They are staid and conservative, tight-fisted and mean. They have no true emotions. Except in bed ...
Personality
Capricorn is the sign of the goat – wild, capricious and at home on the mountainside. Rubbish. Capricorn is really the sign of the mountain lion – dangerous, predatory and mean. They are a hot-blooded cat – ambitious, ruthless, determined and cunning if they haven't exposed themselves already as the sharpest knife in your back. In their thinking they have all the flexibility of a steel rod – you try getting one to change their mind. They are a fixed sign – fixed in thought, word and deed. They do nothing spontaneously. If it hasn't been diaried then they won't do it. They do like order – in fact they make the Virgo seem positively reckless and messy. They are supposed to have a very dry sense of humor. They are miserly, dour, pessimistic and a bit of a kill joy. They are fastidious about dirt – Howard Hughes was a Capricorn, no surprises there then.
Capricorn in Love
What a depressing thought. A goat in love. How very sad. They have all the passion of two people watching TV. They have all the passion of one person watching TV. They will end up watching TV while the world goes by. They like to sit on sofas drinking tea. They like slippers. You would think they were shy seeing as how tongue-tied they seem, unable to speak in the presence of the opposite sex, looking at the floor, all that shuffling from foot to foot. But shy they are not. They are just so robotic they don't have emotional responses. That's why they try to appear shy, it's a coverup for the fact that they don't know how to be, or how to act when confronted with emotion.
They don't do romance or trivia or small-talk or baby-talk or endearments. They do serious. They do ponderous. They do weighty. Falling in love with one of these is a bit like falling in love with a rhinoceros – heavy, grey ... and horny. Read horny as boring in most cases.
Capricorn in Business
Plod, plod, plod. That's a Capricorn thinking out loud. They make great bankers, and can be found lurking in the basements of big grey buildings, working on their numbers. Give them a task and they'll relentlessly trawl their way through it until it is done. Give them a challenge or an idea or a new thing and they'll be hopelessly lost. This is not the brightest button in the box. This is not the sharpest of knives in the kitchen drawer. Sure they can follow an instruction manual – they're brilliant at putting flat pack furniture together or making models – but they do get a bit lost if you ask them to think for themselves. Now I'm not saying they're stupid – far from it – but a bit slow? Yes, that's it. A bit slow. You can, however, trust them, they don't have the wits to steal from you.
Aquarius[edit | edit source]
20 Januaree – 18 Februaree
Aquarians really ought to care a little more about who they sleep with – especially in this day and age. They are laid-back, organized and cool – these are also the attributes of any good trickster.
They never appear to do any work but they always have plenty of money – they must be sponging off someone. They are lazy and indulgent. They could try repaying some of their debts some time. They hate cuddly toys. They hate warm fuzzy things unless they shed or molt and do stupid tricks. They eat a lot of pancakes.
Personality
The most stubborn sign in the zodiak, willing to go to the gallows rather than admit they were wrong, lose face, back down, or compromise. They make a stand about things we'd consider trivial. Again and again the word barking crops up whenever anyone is describing this most unorthodox of signs. And barking is what they are. They may look pretty normal but inside there is an alien's brain. They make good Zen monks as they already march to the sound of one hand clapping. They are stoic and feel no pain. They look down on anyone who does. They are driven, determined, ruthless zealots and fanatics. They are, in fact, quite utterly insane.
Leave them to get on with their own private world and just serve them, obey them, worship them and devote yourself to them and they will be entirely happy. They won't of course reward you, talk to you or notice you, but this does not matter. You will be serving a higher life form. They won't answer you and can't be bothered with the likes of a petty earthling.
They don't tick like us. If we tick they tock. They march to another drumbeat entirely, one that is playing inside their head and no one else can hear, not even other Aquarians. They are unique – and who would want any more of them?
Aquarius in Love
If you are unlucky enough to fall for one of these then you aren't going to be wooed or romanced or wined and dined much. You will however get lectured, pontificated at, talked down to and patronized.
Aquarius in Business
They can't do paperwork or detail or even turn up on time. But give them a decent science lab and they'll produce a cure for cancer or design an interstellar rocket ship powered by thought or hot air or paperclips. They are obsessed with the past and love nothing better than digging up tombs, graves, archaeological sites, bones, dinosaurs, and incriminating evidence.
Pisces[edit | edit source]
19 February – 20 March
Pisceans have a vivid imagination and sense of drama. They frequently suffer from conspiracy delusions of being followed. They like people to regard them as a lot deeper than they really are. Another dual personality sun sign – like Gemini there are two of each of them. Oy!
Personality
What's weird about this sign is that Piscean men are all giant oafs. None of them seem to be under 6 foot 5 inches. And all the women are tiny, small, little petite things. The cosmic way to keep these two from reproducing would be my guess and if that is indeed true ... it would restore my faith in the cosmic balance. We'll see.
Pisces is the fishy version of the two-headed god of sarcasm. Pisces experience the pain of jealousy and resentment more intensely than we do. They hurt when you betray them – and betray them you will. They ask for it. They bear a grudge forever. Always suspecting their partner of having an affair. Naturally if you get accused enough then you might as well do it. They're careless and lose keys, and books – especially precious ones you've foolishly leant them. They like you to think of them as cool and carefree, but they are just messy, selfish and disorganized. They break all electrical gadgets.
Pisces in Love
People who have Pisceans for lovers often feel crushed by them because they can be taken up and then suddenly dropped for no reason. But again, this is part of their power play. By keeping you unsettled they think you'll want more – treat 'em mean and keep 'em keen. It usually just leaves you feeling worthless and dirty. Then again you might like this.
Pisceans don't need sex, they need power. They like getting you naked so you'll feel vulnerable and they feel in control. The sad thing is, they do tend to be able to get more people naked than any other sign. They'll use whatever tactics it takes – offering a massage, aromatherapy, artistic photos – you name it. They may even offer to work out your astrology chart for you – you would of course have to be naked for them to do this.
To escape from their bizarre power games all you have to do is laugh at their private bits.
Pisces in Business
In business, there's no easy way to get people to take off their clothes. They'd do much better to enter a career as a counsellor, doctor, nurse, or hypnotist. They will work in any situation that puts them in charge and you at a disadvantage. They claim to love art but in reality they like looking at smutty pictures. Let's put it this way. Always ask the shoe shop assistant what star sign they are, and if they are Pisces then back out slowly. Don't put yourself in that uncomfortable setting and have your feet, ankles, toes, etc. messed with. Or be talked into getting naked to try on shoes.
If you do give them a job they'll turn out to be trouble-makers, sowing seeds of discontent and muttering in dark corners. They like to organize strikes.
External links[edit | edit source]
