Frodo Baggins
- To be confused with the Dutch mink farmer with laser eyes.
The famous Ring Bearer Frodo Baggins of the Shire, is a hobbit who saved Middle Earth. The heroic hobbit never set out to be a hero, or to save anything. But he was talked into it and having a good heart, he agreed with Gandalf's philosophy and being a wizard, Frodo couldn't bring himself to get into a battle of wits with someone much older and much more dramatic. The urgent warnings of doom, dark lords, and horrid creatures consuming all the pumpkin patches, cabbage and tomato gardens and strawberries and cream was enough to send Frodo into unnecessary hysteria. So effective was Gandalf's eccentric performance that Frodo agreed to leave the Shire, embark on a quest to an Elf Lord's secret meeting and then opting to go all the way to Mordor without having a single clue as to where the hell it was. But Frodo became renowned, known as a hard-nosed business hobbit, hell bent on revenge.
In a way, though, he did have some kind of last laugh. At the expense of high and mighty wizards, elf lords, and Boromir, he got a notion and envisioned an epic scenario. After all his hardships reaching a raging, active volcano just to throw the One Ring into a pool of simmering lava, on an empty stomach and sleep deprived he would decide to kick Sauron's ass and keep his goddamned ring. But that would be a foolish outcome once things unfolded the way they did. His tour guide would surely turn on him for the hundredth time and bite his finger off and kick his own ass into the fiery liquid below with the damned ring. Naturally his sidekick and gardener Samwise Gamgee would absolutely witness this event and that's when Frodo knew that, once again, Gandalf would be the one getting the last laugh. Typical.
Frodo Goes Solo[edit | edit source]
At a very early age, Frodo's parents went on a boating trip, sans Frodo. After a couple of days, Frodo was getting bored of being home alone and went looking for them. Apparently they had drowned. It was a tragic twist of fate and even more so when the boat they'd rented was made of pipeweed stalks and glue. The whole thing would have been avoided had the couple not tried to smoke the craft. With nowhere to go, his uncle Bilbo Baggins took pity and adopted him.
Frodo had come to live with Bilbo at Bag End after Bilbo who had since traveled to The Lonely Mountain to steal a ring from a gnarly creature. Steal an Arkenstone from underneath a dragon, steal something from the Woodland Elves, piss off Thorin Oakenshield, and almost get everyone killed and come back with loads of treasure. Also an evil ring that would eventually draw his nephew into a world of unimaginable horrors. But Bilbo was a kind and generous hobbit after all. His uncle was somewhat of a local legend, and his friend Gandalf was just as legendary as a troublemaker who was barely involved.
While they broke no local laws, they were known as thieves and disturbers of the peace. They were always suspected of arson if something burned down, and they always had a legion of fans and groupies that hung around, wanting an autograph. Many hobbits would give Bilbo manuscripts and contracts already signed, in case he needed any help in stealing anything from any golden hall or abandoned treasure trove out in the wilds of anywhere in Middle Earth.
Frodo grew up being amused by all the stories Bilbo would tell him. He felt honored to be Bilbo's assistant and stage manager whenever Bilbo would tour with his band. They were far more popular as Bilbo & the 13 Dwarves than Snow White et al. Each band had hits and a sizable chart presence, but Bilbo's band had the best beats and atmospheric, epic recordings while the latter were mostly Disney type tracks about saying Hi and something about a Ho.
Frodo's Luck[edit | edit source]
It goes without saying that Frodo came into the world with a touch of rotten luck. Besides losing his parents, and being somewhat of a loner, he would come to inherit Bilbo's ring that would ultimately turn out to be a wildly evil creation, designed to suck the soul out of anyone possessing it and ghosting them in a way that caused aimless wandering in Middle Earth while all power flowed to the ring's creator in which he had plans to destroy the world regardless if anyone was a ghost or not. But Frodo was clueless about all that, and his soul seemed to stay intact and even after Bilbo had skipped off into the woods on a long trek to Rivendell, he kept Bilbo's ring an extra seventeen years without even so much as losing his appetite. But that could be due to the fact that Frodo didn't wear it around.
He didn't have much use for it. He wasn't scared of some old hobbit broad, like his uncle was. The ring simply sat in some old trunk in an envelope under some old folded clothes and mothballs. But when Gandalf showed up after so long, he informed Frodo that his ring could be a very significant piece of history. Frodo thought about pawning it but was dismayed when Gandalf tossed it in the fireplace onto a roaring fire. Even when nothing happened to it, Frodo knew the pawn broker would correctly estimate that it was subjected to heat and therefore damaged.
Gandalf wanted to prove a point and he succeeded but then he realized he had more points to prove. Could he entrust a hobbit to be a brazen and brave slayer of the Dark Lord, Lord Sauron just like Bilbo turned out to be a great and gung-ho burglar who stole treasure from a dark dragon? Bilbo had Gandalf's respect as he not only stole from a giant lizard lowlife, but he stole all kinds of trinkets and shiny stuff along the way, like the dark lord's ring, for instance. The old wizard really felt that Frodo should take off and try his hand at impossible missions, since hobbits seemed to have been able to pull off some mighty fine heists and still refused to put on a protective pair of boots.
Frodo's Personal Journey, Which He Took Personally[edit | edit source]
When Frodo opted to take the journey that Gandalf had proposed, he wondered how trying to pawn the ring off on the wizard had failed. It shouldn't have. Frodo gave a great sale's pitch, yet it was not to be. As soon as he set out, and having his gardener Samwise join him on his trek, he began feeling the effects of the ring that had never bothered him before. He was getting irritated more often. He snapped a lot. He was in a really bad mood. And this was before they even left Hobbiton. Frodo and Samwise met up with two more hobbits, one was their friend Merry and one was Frodo's cousin Pippin. They were headed to Bree due to Gandalf telling Frodo that he would be in Bree (a.k.a. Blee) where he would give even more advice of where to head off to next.
Frodo knew there were places further out than Bree, but he wasn't too sure about going anywhere after Gandalf was a no-show and a man named Strider (a.k.a. Aragorn) offered to replace Gandalf for the time being. Strider knew what was up and he was helping Gandalf take the hobbits to Rivendell. Which was better than taking the hobbits to Isengard. But first they had to camp out on Weathertop.
Breakfast, Strider, and the Damned Ringwraiths[edit | edit source]
The hobbits tried to inform their new, unelected travel guide of all the things he may have missed regarding hobbits and their culture. Second breakfast, singing about green dragons, strawberries and cream, running around barefoot, and being the world's best burglars and thieves. Of course, Strider was just trying to avoid wraiths who were obviously following them. Strider threw apples at the hobbits to shut them up.
When they reached Weathertop, he had to go secure the area and gather wood but wraiths had slipped through Strider's laser security set up and as a result Frodo was attacked. He got sick and snapped at everyone. He got bold putting on the Ring and confronting the wraiths with a barrage of insults, kicking them in the shins. He called them Goofy looking Gothic bed sheets and Dust rags that must have been cleaning the fire chutes in Hell.
The wraiths were intent on killing Frodo so they stabbed him, but they were lousy aims. The goal was getting safely to Rivendell without encountering more waify oil-checking cloths. Frodo almost died, but the shadow's influence convinced him the Ring saved his ass. The wraiths still hounded the hobbits and their bodyguard. Complaining about everything. The hobbits complained about lunch, and Frodo complained about not having any whiskey. The hobbits complained about everything and not shutting up. Some elf came along to help. He told them at first that he was Legolas. But then told them he was Glorfindel. Then told everyone that Arwen should be coming along shortly. Then he tried to pass himself of as Gandalf, but the fake beard was so obvious.
Which pissed off the hobbits even more. They were irritable and not having any fun. The elf kept going on about the once shining kingdom of Gondolin. Suddenly everyone wanted to go to Gondolin. Strider got a little annoyed and told everyone that if they would be quiet he would take them to the shining city the elf mentioned. After about three minutes the hobbits started asking if they were there yet. Then everyone needed to go to the bathroom.
The ranger tried to ditch the wraiths but they kept coming back since they had horses and he, the hobbits, and the elf with a lot of aliases had only two horses between them. The wraiths then started complaining to the elf about what the hobbits did to them. What Strider did to them. And about some damned ring that they were looking for. Frodo snapped and almost got down off the horse he was trying to get some sleep on, and kick them around again. He was pissed. Frodo, understandably complained all the way. Take me to Rivendell, I've been stabbed!
Elrond, Saruman, and the Damned Balrog[edit | edit source]
The major overlord elf king Elrond had a perfect hideaway. When Frodo and the others got across the ford, having beaten up the wraiths that were still following them, Elrond helped them by drowning the foul ghosts into a flash flood that was manipulated to appear as watery horses, chariots, and a long line of Roman tyrants. Reaching Rivendell was easy enough once the fear of heights was conquered. Frodo was immediately given a room and a large bed. There he slept for a week. Elrond and his staff tended to Frodo and stitched up his wounds. They removed a piece of the blade from the gash and naturally commented about the cheap ass shit made in China.
When Frodo was well enough to stay awake for a couple of hours, he was summoned to a council. There they would discuss the Ring. The discussion went off the rails and became more of an argument. He learned that Strider was really Aragorn. He immediately tried to give the Ring to him. The offer was quickly turned down. Elrond rolled his eyes and told Frodo that Gandalf and he would be in agreement with the plan to send him off into Mordor to get rid of the thing once he offered to do that anyway.
The council all offered their help, but they insisted on keeping their distance while in Mordor. He and his companions couldn't stay in Rivendell. The place was like the Martha's Vineyard of Middle Earth. They tried to stay. They argued that Bilbo was staying there, but the elves countered that Bilbo had a split personality condition: a rare disease they referred to as gollum face.
It was also on account that Bilbo contributed to their decor. He wrote poems about the elves. He sang about elves. He would entertain the elves with stories about elves who danced and sang songs about famous elves. Playing harps with lilting melodies that would peacefully wisp through the air. When this was mentioned, the hobbits immediately began packing and proclaimed they always wanted to see Mordor. They set out with other companions who were absolutely on board with heading out and seeing that infamous land. We're all going to Mordor! Yay!
They crossed rough terrain and would have crossed seas had they headed West, but didn't as that would have been easier, and they were obsessed with their little quest. Bless their hearts. Gandalf remembered that Saruman lived somewhere in the region telling everyone to avoid the fortress of Isengard at all costs. Frodo suggested that Gandalf fight Saruman and put him in a choke hold and make him chew on that awhile.
Gandalf explained to Frodo that the evil wizard kind of already did that to him smashing him into a stockpile of pipeweed. It explained why Gandalf took forever getting out of Isengard, unable to meet Frodo earlier in the journey. And knowing there was a stockpile of weed at Isengard and Saruman being outnumbered by them was a plan they were already plotting.
The group discussed how they could overthrow the tower of Isengard and came up with a fairly decent plan. It involved having to drag bystanders into the fray, and a couple of admins who at the time, were overseeing the construction of a moat. Aragorn approached the admins and asked them how to get into the tower, to which they informed him that the moat wasn't being built for the tower, it was just a moat out in the middle of Nowhere for no reason.
They knew what they were doing. Orcs came along and started a fight. The Ring team whipped out swords, axes, bow and arrows. The admins of Nowhere stood by with a hefty cartload of pineapples informing the orcs what they could do with them. The tower mission was scrapped so they followed Gandalf through Moria. Saruman was being a total dick and probably smoked everything by the time they got in the area.
On entering Moria, Frodo was groped by a giant Squid-Predator-Piranha monster and the dark underground realm would have been a trek they would have never come out of alive had it not been for Gandalf clashing with a balrog and saving all of their asses. Of course, the fiery beast went after everyone, but Frodo was quite sure that it was really after him and his ring. He was positive that it literally called out Frodo! That ring is my preciousss but he would later say that it could have also been Gollum. He didn't know, it was so damned dark. After exiting Moria, everyone was in shock and Frodo was devastated. Take me to Lothlorien! A squishy fish beast groped me and a balrog looked at me!
Galadriel, Mirrors, and Hangovers[edit | edit source]
Getting into the Golden Woods of Lorien and further on into Lothlorien, the heartbeat of the mulching metropolis, proved to be a huge hassle. Once the elves spotted the group approaching their borders, they sprang into action and waited until the weary travelers got well within the first mile of their realm before jumping out at them screaming various Japanese-like sounds, grunts, and hi-keebas. Then they pointed arrows at them and demanded to know what the hell they wanted. Gollum immediately sprung up and screeched for the Ring. That was immediately met with a quivering arrow that he'd managed to dodge, lodged in a tree trunk. Gollum attacked the elf who took a shot at him.
Aragorn jumped into action and spin-kicked a few more elves and Legolas began shooting arrows all over the place while elves were scrambling to avoid being hit. Sam jumped up and used a bullhorn to instruct everyone to calm down. After some time, everyone came to their senses. Gollum groveled, Pippin began looking around for some decent food, and Frodo asked if he could just pass through the forest without being killed. Given that they had just lost Gandalf, they were still very upset. Gimli breathed loudly after catching his breath and the elves decided to blindfold everyone and muzzle Gimli if they wanted to proceed.
After some time, a few of the members of the fellowship took off their blindfolds and told the elves that the humidity was already bad enough, and they didn't know when they would get a chance to shampoo and condition their hair. Legolas sympathized with them. Gollum had since taken off his blindfold and used it as a fresh new loincloth. When the fellowship and the forest guardian elf brigade made it into Lothlorien they were greeted by the Lady Galadriel and her insignificant other, Lord Celebatus. Galadriel introduced herself and what's-his-name. They all introduced themselves, reluctantly including Gollum who was trying to blend in with a tree branch. He hung there for five minutes until Galadriel insisted that they take their orc backpack down and carry it with them.
That night while everyone slept, Galadriel woke Frodo with a small glass slipper she had broken over his head, summoning him to a small clearing in the woods. The fun house mirrors propped up against the trees freaked him out. They were installed to disorient trespassers. She had a birdbath version of yet another freaky mirror that would tell the future, or the past, or the present. Frodo asked if it did past or present tense futures.
The elf lady poured boiling water into the basin and Frodo saw himself as a swirl of hair circling a drain. The shock had already worn off. He got bored and started back to bed. He was asked to look into the mirror again. At this point he decided if he was going to get any sleep, he would give the Ring to her. She reacted in an unusual way. Frodo knew he was tripping really bad.
He was totally wasted from whatever was in the elf grub they served earlier. There was more to all of this, but Frodo wouldn't remember most of it. After a night's rest, afternoon nap, and a few gallons of coffee they were heading off again. Galadriel had given the members of the fellowship a lot of parting gifts. To Frodo, she gave a couple of things that he kept to himself. To Sam she gave a clunky flashlight. To the other hobbits she gave them wool socks and hiking boots, knowing they probably wouldn't wear them because hobbits have a tendency to be a bit argumentative and damned proud of their feet.
To Boromir she gave her deepest condolences. He wondered what the hell that was supposed to mean, but eventually he'd find out. Frodo felt as if that had something to do with him. To Aragorn, she gave a detailed map of Hyrule. To Legolas, she gave advice. He was hoping for a sample of a hair care product. He glared at her until she gave him several samples from Sephora. To Gimli, she gave him a clump of her hair. And to Gollum she gave a pair of yoga pants. Which he rolled up and stuffed into his loincloth. Frodo needed more coffee. He complained that of all the nice things they got, like the supply of Lembas bread, that no one thought of bringing a Thermos of coffee?!
Orcs, Boromir, and Goddamn Gollum[edit | edit source]
Frodo asked everyone if his eyes were still bloodshot from being hungover. Nobody noticed anything unusual. After a few days, he was starting to go through withdrawal symptoms. He needed to look into everyone's compact mirrors to make sure he hadn't been twisted and stretched into odd shapes.
When they camped out by the river Frodo sought out Boromir and startled him. Oh please, can you just take this Ring for a while? I'm tired of listening to its delusions of grandeur! But Boromir told him he had to make a phone call and ran off toward the dense forest and into a troupe of orcs.
Frodo thinking quickly shouted for them to follow Boromir because he had the Ring. Frodo stole one of the boats when the coast was clear, attempting to flee the scene. Sam, who was watching the river for any shipments of pipeweed, jumped in after Frodo and floated to the side of the boat threatening to capsize it if he didn't take him to Mordor.
Gollum jumped into the boat with an orc limb hanging from his mouth and told them both that only he knew the way into Mordor. Then he slapped both hobbits upside the head with the orc arm he had managed to rip off some orc in battle. Orcs, however, saw Gollum from the shore and went after him. Orcs were gaining on the boat while Frodo and Sam paddled their asses off, Gollum was beating them away with one of their arms. It was insult added to injury. They made it across because by then, Gollum started biting orcs faces off, too.
Frodo planned going to Mordor alone. He needed the rest, and it was an exotic vacation spot he would have planned on visiting once he reached a certain age. Like all fifty-year-old homebodies he would have eventually bought a camper to explore more of Middle Earth. But this trip was forced onto the poor hobbit and there he was, with his gardener and a wretched fish-breathed cave boy in tow. The Ring conjured dark thoughts of doom and gloom. Menacing shadows all around didn't cheer anyone up. Except for Gollum. He was happy that his surroundings were now comfortable and to his liking. Dark like a cave, and like his old apartment in the Misty Mountains, filled with goblins.
Oh for Fuck's Sake![edit | edit source]
What was to happen next would be epic and yet, so absurd and ultimately fucked up. Gollum kept trying to get Frodo to go into a cave on the border leading into Mordor. Once Frodo entered the cave, Sam followed behind. Gollum stood far behind but yelled into the cave Here Shebee Shebee Shebee! and there came Shelob the Great Spider, the Arachnid Tarantula Terror named in various game strategy books on final bosses.
Battle with this thing proved to be a hassle. Orcs clamored onto the scene after the spider stung Frodo in the ass. Then Sam wounded the spider with an ass-stabbing from Sting, the musical sword that vibrated with a song about knowing every breath you take will be duly noted and processed. Gollum threw a fit. Orcs would come to procure Frodo's limp body and carry him off to their penthouse dungeon set up. Shelob would scurry away across Mordor, crawling up Sauron's tower and nestle right over the Eye of which Sauron surveyed the country. A giant spider's ass dripping its wounded ooze and hairy bulge onto the warmth of the heat provided by it.
Sam believed Frodo was dead and knew it would be wise to draw a chalk outline minus the ring and chain just laying where he fell. He took the ring from around Frodo's neck and pocketed it. Orcs, as predicted, grabbed Frodo's mummified body and carried him off. Sam ran after them and Gollum followed but stayed hidden. Orcs put Frodo in a top floor chamber. They stole his clothes looking for the ring and it should be assumed there was probably a body cavity search. Poor Frodo. Then they just left him like that. Orcs really were just such assholes. Nobody liked them.
Sam defeated the orcs due to the rush of adrenaline and being extra hyped up as the Ring started some weird Samwise the Great trip that just started to kick in. He found Frodo and being into his detective work, drew another chalk outline and due to his nudity, had to draw around his thing in case he really was dead. Carefully Sam used smelling salts and a water spritzer. Frodo woke up and screamed. Sam looked for something for Frodo to put on. The dead bodies by the chamber door wore basic tunics, chain mail, and yoga pants.
One orc had a floral print frock and carried a Chanel handbag. Frodo chose that ensemble. He noticed his bling was gone. Sam gave Frodo back his ring. Along with his loose change, pocket knife, and casino membership card. Frodo glared at the chalk outline Sam did of his anatomy. I was just injected with venom! And it was cold! Frodo protested. The first chalk outline would have really pissed Frodo off.
They simply walked toward Mount Doom as the Eye was engaged in watching a spider's ass. But this is all about Frodo and he had to be dramatically extra. After that they walked into what was known as The Crack of Doom. They giggled for about ten minutes over the name, then Frodo went to toss the ring into the lava. Gollum showed up and tried distracting him. Warning about a giant spider, the giant Eye, and wraiths on wings. The gall of Gollum was off the charts. Frodo walked up to Gollum and told him that Sam was about to slap the shit out of him. Then Sam slapped the shit out of Gollum.
Gollum got up and slapped Frodo and tried to bite him. Frodo bit into Gollum's hand and Gollum bit into Frodo's big toe. Sam kicked Gollum who rolled to the edge of the sheer drop into a churning pit of lava. Frodo was having a panic attack and slipped on the ring but then decided that he would still try to save Gollum who was in danger. That was when Gollum bit Frodo's finger thinking it was a spider crawling down his arm. With one of Frodo's hangnails and the ring in his teeth, he fell to his death.
Mount Doom was shook and the lava started to rise. Frodo and Sam reached a safe enough distance and caught their breath and wondered if Gollum would jump out of the lava and continue being the greatest pain in the ass Middle Earth had ever seen. Remembering that Gollum had extra heart containers, it was possible that nobody would know if he survived or not. They quickly, and rightfully, settled it in their minds that Gollum was toast. The lava rose steadily as they endured lots of fire and exploding rocks. Off in the distance they heard sounds of giant eagles. Then caught a brief glimpse of a giant eyeball with a spider flailing on it, flying across the sky melting and dripping and finally exploding. Ignoring that they quickly stood and waved to the eagles. Frodo cried out. Take me to the House of Healing! I've been blown up!
Frodo Back at Bag End with Extra Baggage[edit | edit source]
The celebrations lasted for months in Aragorn's shiny new city and country. The hobbits eventually got back home and realized that Aragorn didn't come with them. They found themselves playing host to Saruman the evil wizard and his sidekick. Frodo went through a series of panic attacks. The hobbits eventually evicted them by way of death. It was the least they could do given what Saruman had done to Rohan, Isengard, and the horses.
Frodo suffered from depression and still had to take pain medication for persistent aches and pains from past life-threatening injuries. He was informed by his therapist that he was adopted. It wasn't a secret he'd reply. Then he was informed that he had a cousin named Daisy and that Bilbo tried to adopt her too, but she was last seen by the Brandywine River. He had no idea what to do with this information. His depression became a mixture of confusion, regret, and relief all at the same time. Frodo had suffered with addiction, and his therapist understood that. It was the addiction over being commanded by a silly ring that he couldn't fathom, so he got Frodo hooked up with a guy who wore lots of bling, selling diamonds. In the sky. With Lucy.
He wrote about the quest. About how he and Gandalf had a side hustle on the borders of Mordor to make extra coin, but omitted the fact that Gandalf was thought to be dead. He also left out that he seriously considered hiring Sam and Gollum to run cover while he sold dupes of the Ring to any orc, wraith, or mouth dude that passed by. Gandalf did visit the Shire one last time, but he was towing Bilbo along with him. Frodo went with Gandalf and Bilbo to the Undying Lands across the ocean. The others wanted to go, but after seeing who was sailing with the wizard they opted to stay behind.
Of course it would have been natural for Frodo and Bilbo to have felt insulted but they just didn't give a rat's ass.
"So long, suckers!" Frodo said.
