Uncyclopedia:Horoscopes

Welcome to This Week's Horoscopes, as brought to you by Uncyclopedia! We hope you find these scientifically calculated astrological predictions to be distinctly unhelpful. Every aspect of your life is predetermined by the alignment of the sun, moon, and billions and billions of stars, and we can see all of it. But you only get it one week at a time, because we don't like to help you very much if we can avoid it. Please note we are not responsible for any unnecessary problems, mistakes, freak accidents, sudden relationship turmoil, lightning strikes or other acts of God, mental problems, or edits to this page by unauthorized hacks.

Horoscopes Archives: 1 - 2 - 3

Your horoscope this week (Week ending Jan 6, 2024)

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - You find yourself craving adventure. However, you are advised to avoid travel this week, particularly to Middle Eastern or Eastern European destinations.
• Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - Your boredom will soon come to an end. This is not necessarily a good thing.

• Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - You will be contacted by a mysterious admirer via social media. Discretion is advised to determine the true object of this admiration. Challenge them to a trivia contest and a rap battle.

• Aries (March 21 - April 20) - The price of fuel and utilities will go up, just after you receive an increase in your pay and a promotion. Do not overspend in advance of expected gains, despite what the credit card companies all say.

• Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - Avoid biting off more than you chew, and be careful when and how you laugh, or you will embarrass yourself by accidentally spilling food or drink on others.

• Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - A dark cloud looms on the horizon. You are advised to take shelter and be very careful in all areas of communication. Your words matter not only to others, but to the future of your own lifestyle. Avoid nuts and theories about things you cannot control. Watch your step and don't hold your head too high, for there may be a banana on the sidewalk.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This is a good week to pay more attention to those close to you. You will enjoy the company of family and close friends around you. Just try not to fall off the wagon and get run over by the carriage behind you.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - This week brings you opportunities to part ways with old habits. Leave old memes behind. Beware not to exchange bad habits for worse habits..

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - This week you will make progress in cleaning and organizing, but soon after will misplace something of value.

• Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - The world is never enough. Let the sky fall.

• Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - If you buy friends or lovers, they will leave you as soon as your money does. There's a reason they say buy, bye.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You are not Mariah Carey, and you should not attempt to sing her hit songs in karaoke. There is a difference between stretching a muscle and pulling it.