Uncyclopedia:Horoscopes

Welcome to This Week's Horoscopes, as brought to you by Uncyclopedia! We hope you find these scientifically calculated astrological predictions to be distinctly unhelpful. Every aspect of your life is predetermined by the alignment of the sun, moon, and billions and billions of stars, and we can see all of it. But you only get it one week at a time, because we don't like to help you very much if we can avoid it. Please note we are not responsible for any unnecessary problems, mistakes, freak accidents, sudden relationship turmoil, lightning strikes or other acts of God, mental problems, or edits to this page by unauthorized hacks.

Horoscopes Archives: 1 - 2 - 3

Your horoscope this week (Week ending Jan 12, 2025)

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - You will meet a nice foreigner who invites you to come to their home country. However, you are advised to avoid travel this week, particularly to Middle Eastern, Californian or Eastern European destinations.

• Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - You are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you're a fucking jerk.

• Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - You are God. Anybody who tells you otherwise deserves to die, and you deserve to kill them. When the ungodly concept of the "police" try to apprehend you, curse them with their own deaths. Also, you will meet and kill a Leo today.

• Aries (March 21 - April 20) - A fool and his money are soon parted.

• Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - You will write a horoscope for someone else today. Your lucky numbers are 69 69 420 420 1337 561801

• Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - You will meet your soul mate. However, your current spouse will disagree.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week will be your final week. Spend it with the people closest to you and don't be surprised if you die suddenly at the hands of a Pisces or Leo who thinks they are God.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Pisces is wrong, you are God. Do everything in your power to end the life of Pisces and anyone who stands in your way.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Whoever goes to bed with whores wakes up with crabs.

• Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - You will meet Jesus. He will be Jesús Gutierrez and he will be stealing your catalytic converter.

• Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - You will read a horoscope on Uncyclopedia and it will be wrong.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You can't dance.