Uncyclopedia:Horoscopes/Archive3

Welcome to This Week's Horoscopes, as brought to you by Uncyclopedia! We hope you find these scientifically calculated astrological predictions to be distinctly unhelpful. Every aspect of your life is predetermined by the alignment of the sun, moon, and billions and billions of stars, and we can see all of it. But you only get it one week at a time, because we don't like to help you very much if we can avoid it. Please note we are not responsible for any unnecessary problems, mistakes, freak accidents, sudden relationship turmoil, lightning strikes or other acts of God, mental problems, or edits to this page by unauthorized hacks.

Horoscopes Archives: 1 - 2 - 3

Week starting November 23 2020

Your birthday this week: Sagittarius! Sagittariuseses are fun-loving, outgoing balls of flamboyant confusion. I don't hate you guys anywhere near as much as I hate Scorpios, so your "Your birthday this week" entries will be far less disparaging, hopeless and vicious. For example, I told Scorpio that their friends and family will never forgive them. You, I bet one or two of them will. Maybe even on your birthday! Also, it's time to take the frog out of your pocket that I told you to keep there last year for luck. I realize now that I didn't tell you to take it out and feed it every now and then, so I hope you didn't just leave it there to just croak. Has it been dead all of this time? Oh, dear. Heh. I said "croak".

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - When your buddies start discussing Liverpool's issues on defense, before you suggest that great defense begins with the tackles and middle linebacker, make sure you get that they're talking about soccer, which is called "football" in some places. Try "lack of cohesion in midfield" instead.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - Go fly a kite this week. And I mean that in the old-timey metaphorical way: I hate you and want you to fuck off. I don't actually care what you do with the wind, some string and some god damn construction paper attached to a cross made of sticks. With a tail.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - Don't ask me how, but you will find out that you are not as handsome as you think you are this week. It should not change your life too much. Don't let it stop you from robbing that bank, for instance. You'll be wearing a mask for that.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - Your resume on Indeed.com is going to attract hundreds of employers who for no good reason whatsoever think you might want to manage a team of comically inept developers from Mumbai. But it's Covid, so, find some way to justify that to yourself. Your political thriller screenplay isn't going to sell this week, either.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - There is a man in your sights this week. Catfish him using that photo of a precious young girl from Svalbard that you Googled, there is no way he could track that shit down. That might end well.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - A man comes into your life this week and promises to be the roundabout, and his words will make you out-and-out. Don't spend the day your way with him, though - he will demand that you call it morning driving through the sound and in and out the valley, and you have no idea what any of that shit even means.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - You will need to perfect the Vulcan butt-wipe this week if you don't want to to die at the hands of some planetary rectal chafing of questionable technological origin (but clear metaphorical significance) without violating any prime directive. Don't wear white pants.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - The week only has seven days, and you're a mess in a tornado, to be honest. I'm a brilliant astrologer, and even I can't figure out what the week portends that you could possibly have the wherewithall to address. I guess, if you have access to a well, fall into it.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Good news! Unlike the rest of us, you are distinctly not the master of your own destiny. So you're off the hook!

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - You want me to tell you how to behave this week, clearly. But do you know who else looked to astrology in hopes of maximizing the success of their life choices? Do you? Brace yourself - Ronald Reagan did. And Hitler too, of course. But more too the point, Reagan did. Seriously. Think about that.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - Your little "project" this week (you know what I mean), will find you out shopping for supplies. I recommend that you shop around, and don't just assume that WalMart is your best option. There are struggling local businesses that carry top-quality plastic sheets, garbage bags, shovels, bleach, towels, duct tape, and even bone saws that could really use your business during these difficult times, and the cost may surprise you. Wear a mask, and good luck!

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - There will be bullshit this week. There will be poppycock. There will also be balderdash. Unfortunately, you will only have time to deal with one of these three. Choose wisely.

Week starting November 16 2020

Your birthday this week: Scorpio! Scorpios are fun-loving, outgoing scars on the face of humanity. You will find yourself on the ledge of the highest bridge in your county on your birthday, and you will be asking yourself: Should I do it? What is there to lose, in the end? Does anyone actually care? Listen to me: I can definitively say that yes, you absolutely should do it. That bridge ledge is a great place to masturbate semi-publically. It will be epic.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - Find a scapegoat this week. I don't mean you should blame your dad for your debilitating sexual addictions. I mean go find a goat, blame it for all of your pathetic bullshit, and send it over a cliff for real.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - There will be a path of unbroken egg shells between your cubicle and the middle-manager's office this week. Trust me when I say pick each one of those bitches up and throw them at his motherfucking face. Then say "Go ahead and fire me, asshole." Then get your resume ready.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - Your "do or die" attitude is commendable, yes, but it isn't really compatible with your utter inability to "do" anything at all.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - A scary old white lady will point her spindly finger at you this week and damn you to hell for all eternity. So that'll be fun.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - Your life is an 80s mega-hit this week, but that doesn't justify your animal experimentation. Stop shocking those poor monkeys.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - Violate the Hatch Act at your peril this week - unless you are a Republican. In that case you can violate whatever the hell you want to. No one will challenge you.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - Cheer up this week - things could be worse. Even if you're that one guy at the very bottom - and one of you Tauruses is. But it isn't measured on a curve, so... yeah.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - Your astrologer is a fellow Gemini, so I feel your pain, and I have for four years. But this week I need to address our most visible fellow Gemini - you know who I mean. The "grim era of demonization" Uncle Joe talked about..? It only applies to you, you fucking orange menace. And come mid-January, with pretty much the rest of our star sign, I bid you the twin adieu's that only we Geminis can offer: Bye and fucking bye.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Conservative philosophy has served you well so far in your life, but Gina in HR is going to read your name with a certain... inflection... this week, and you will finally understand what it's like to be profiled.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - All else fails this week, so, do what you talked about in that case.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Your autopsy later this week will reveal that the cause of your untimely death will be the autopsy.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - I've managed to categorize your behavior this week, and I gotta say. Are you an absolute doofus or something? An utter ignoramus? A complete moron? Hang on, let me get my thesaurus, and we can keep going here. An unmitigated lunatic?

Week starting November 9 2020

Your birthday this week: Scorpio! Scorpios are fun-loving, outgoing and a pain in my life. The foolish remaining few who have always loved and forgiven you will be considerate enough to wait until after your birthday to finally give up and disown you, so at least there's that. Try to avoid going full villain, though. Nobody will care about that either.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - Choose this day who you will serve - the devil or the Lord. God damn it. Whom. Whom you will serve. Well fuck. Now I've ruined it. With my fucking grammar fail. Just, decide to serve whatever spiritual "whom" strikes your fancy, I guess. I've already fucked your horoscope up this week. I'll do gooder next week. I mean better! Damn it, I hate English.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - An important piece of information arrives this week that may convince you to rush off to Svalbard. But I don't know. That's a little bit hardscrabble, all in all. But the information will be convincing, so I leave that up to you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - Love is your second language this week. And the fact that you can barely put together a coherent love sentence is actually kind of cute. Love conjugation is complicated, of course - who can keep track of cases, gender and number, for crying out loud? - but I think you'll be understood. At least make sure you learn the word for dick, and the difference between the subjective and accusative cases.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - Give a little, take a little this week. But don't send me your net earnings report. This column is for entertainment purposes only.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - All this dank weed shows up this week, but fuuuck, what are you gonna make into a bong? Don't use the ancient lute on the wall, dude. Seriously. That was a special gift from your aunt, and she's been the coolest. Don't you have an old... fuckin... garlic press or some shit? No I have no idea how to make a bong out of a garlic press. I'm just trying to help your ass out here.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - I know I told you "nice hat" in the past, but horoscopes are ephemeral at best, if they're at all accurate. What I'm saying is, not that hat. Get that shit off your head. My stars.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - Find meaning and solace in a random die roll this week.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - Litigate your losses at your own peril this week. Actually, you know what? Don't. Give it up. You lost. Nobody cares, and you look like a complete loser douche bag fuck face orange turd. Wait, sorry. Not you, the orange two-faced piece of shit on Pennsylvania Avenue next to you, who probably isn't reading this. If you reading this are not our asshole president, you're fine. The person that likes you likes you back, or something. That you like, I mean. Shit, I can't wait for January 20.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Pay very close attention to quantum fluctuations within the spectral anomaly in the Pleiades cluster this week. Unless I'm still writing horoscopes for all you 2020 clowns. It's hard to keep track when you're an expert time manipulator such as myself. Don't mean to brag. What era are you again? If you are a 2020 Cancer, I apologize and I promise things will work themselves out. Except that the Republicans do manage to wipe out your species within two decades. You didn't hear it from me, but this horoscope is for the descendants of your era's roaches. Which, if that is you - I'm serious. Those spectral anomaly fluctuations will make all the difference for you this week. Watch your exoskeleton for irregularities.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Find serenity this week. Even if you have to murder your family for it. Oh. Sorry. I didn't mean that. I've been distracted. Find serentiy in... the recent release of the new Watch Dogs. That will work too.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - The continued success of pandemic football - despite the lack of actual fans - will confound NFL ownership, so stay away from the stadium even after Biden's task force ends the pandemic for good this week. They have already seen that a lack of stadium receipts doesn't preclude their ability to present the product on broadcast media, not to mention their ability to pay their handsome millionaires on the field. So bottom line - keep your subscription to Sling. Pretty soon it will only cost $5 to see a game live. Whatever you do, don't tell them our plan.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - The Soviets retain possession of your soul, and they don't even really exist anymore. You should not have signed that agreement with Andropov. Not that you could have fought the rise of Gorbachov by any means, but... Oh wait. You're 27? So you have no fucking clue what I'm talking about. Hm. Go to a history lecture. Or a seance.

Week starting November 2 2020

Your birthday this week: Scorpio! Scorpios are outgoing, fun-loving and prone to vote Republican down-ballet this week despite biting their lip and secretly - without their family knowing - voting for Joe Biden. He's actually a pretty good dude, for a white 70-something. Don't worry about it. Moderate conservatives all get it. Just make sure you vote for some pro-lifer from your district for congress. We'll get through this ridiculous nonsense together, and Biden will only threaten to sniff cute girls' hair, not grab their pussy. I promise. Given the history of our nation's presidency, the choice between a hair-sniffer and a pussy-grabber has to mean something, or what have our troops' sacrifice ever meant? Am I right?

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - Your lucky blows to the head this week are by sledge-hammer and by slap-stick. Receive them interchangeably for varied results. And don't fall asleep.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - An important piece of information arrives this week that has a bit of a putrid smell when you open it. And then when you look closer, the date on it is from before this whole Covid lockdown business. You probably should not have opened it, looking back on things. I think you'll be OK just to toss that in the rubbish bin. Get your family tested though, just to be sure. Oh! Also, a message arrives in your email inbox about your ancestry you should probably not ignore. Or, on the other hand, maybe it would be best if you did ignore it, depending on how violently your stomach reacts to bad news. Holy hell, I'm a shitty astrologer.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - Your lucky fruit this week is lychee. Which means you're in big trouble. Nobody likes lychee. And people who do are either lying or fucking assholes. Pick your poison, I guess. And enjoy your lychees. Asshole.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - Fight the power this week. Not, um... literally. Pay your power bill, for crying out loud. I know they aren't shutting you off during the pandemic, but that doesn't mean you don't owe them for all that electricity you're using to read Uncyclopedia horoscopes. Pay them. But fight the powers that be this week - you know... Republicans.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - Show your tits at the bar this week. Send me your location on Facebook, and if I can't get there to see it, I'll let you know, so you can just have your boyfriend DM me the video. Have fun! But wear a mask, would you? I don't really give a shit about your face.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - Love and hate vie against each other in a cosmic battle above your constellation. But you can just ignore all that nonsense. You're on a planet that has absolutely nothing to do with what's happening behind the stars that make up Aries, to be honest. Even those stars are untold light years apart from each other, for fuck's sake. We aren't the center of the spiritual universe - you get that, right? And honestly, there's probably only two ugly-ass rodent species on one ridiculous planet fighting over one acorn tree there. At best. Nothing to do with your daily concerns. Oh! The girl you like likes you too, if that helps.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - Donald Trump wants you to suck his dick this week. Don't fall for it though. His dick is ugly - reportedly - and word is he doesn't actually pay his contractors.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - Be non-lethal this week. For a change.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - I would warn you, gentle reader, of a Fargo spoiler alert, but I don't actaully give a shit. The stars are asking, "Do you really want to do this this week?" And I gotta say... Who are you, Lester Nygaard? Ok fine. Let's do this then.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You're a juggernaut. In the early 14th century, Franciscan missionary Friar Odoric brought to Europe the story of an enormous carriage that carried an image of the Hindu god Vishnu (whose title was Jagannath, literally, "lord of the world") through the streets of India in religious processions. Odoric reported that some worshippers deliberately allowed themselves to be crushed beneath the vehicle's wheels as a sacrifice to Vishnu. That's you this week - "Juggernaut". The "Lord of the world". Clean the wheels when you're done.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - If you are a Virgo on the space station this week, your lack of gravity will be your path to enlightenment - listen to the voice of your chi, be attentive to the whispers from the angels that guard your conscience. If you are any other Virgo, you're just fucked, I guess.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - I have often complimented the hat of star signs I had no horoscope for for the given week - or, more honestly, a twelfth joke for. Check my horoscopes history and you will see what I mean. So, what I'm trying to say is, I'm sure if I saw you, I would very much like your hat.

Week starting October 26 2020

Your birthday this week: Scorpio! Scorpios are rude, violent and irredeemable. This was going to be the year you finally overcame all of your personal demons, and poised yourself for success and inner peace and harmony. Every broken thing in your life - your relationships, your career, your personal goals, both practical and spiritual... all of it, was set to be healed and restored. This was going to be your greatest year. But then, Covid struck. What are you gonna do? I mean, it changed all of our plans.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - You can express your ridiculous contrariness this week by not wearing a mask on Halloween.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - An important piece of information arrives this week narrowing the identity of Q down to a Leo who is reading these horoscopes right now!

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - The comparisons to Zoidberg are apt this week. Apt, I tell you.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - Say "mucho" to your Spanish-speaking friends this week. It will mean a lot to them.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - Fun challenge for you this week: try to go the whole week without consuming anything connected to a billionaire. Make sure your life insurance covers idiotic deadly challenges first.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - Your perfect life partner awaits you this week, but the stars are clear on this one: I'm not allowed to tell you which star sign to look for, or it will not happen for you. I think I can give you a hint, though: when you meet him, you will tell him, "I finally found you! I've been looking for you all of my life. Frankly, I'm sad you tarry us". Wink.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - A vortex of cosmic anguish surrounds you this week and validates all of your incessant whining. Congratulations.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - Don't take this wrong, please - I know it may seem harsh, but I mean it in the nicest possible way. You're a fat, ugly cow with a horrible personality and no redeeming qualities at all, and you should just die.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - A peaceful, gentle sense of EVIL BEHOLDS ME! will embrace you this week and provide a much-needed moment of spiritual serenity.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You will be surprised to discover irrefutable evidence this week that you are Q. You may at first be inclined to disbelieve it, not thinking of yourself as the mastermind behind the secret effort to expose the deep state conspiracy, but the confirmation bias will be overwhelming. Wake up, sheeple - you're Q.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Women everywhere want your attention, but your life-long inability to respect women as fully self-empowered autonomous agents of their own soul and destiny will prevent you from being able to turn any of them off.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - Hey, nice hat.

Week starting October 19 2020

You did not discourage me last week - not even a litte. So here are twelve more accurate horoscopes. Do better this week.

Oh, and I'm bringing back "Your birthday this week." So, if it's your birthday this week, you are cusp Libra/Scorpio. Which means fuck all. Other than Libras don't know which thing they believe, and Scorpii don't know their own plural. So shove that into your astrology-hole. I don't even know what "cusp" means.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - "Old" is just a mind-set. Unless you are turning 40 this week. Then "old" is a reality. Get over it, grandpa. And look into some bifocals. And Sildenafil. Happy Birthday.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - Saner people than you have heeded my warnings on this publication, but honestly, that pretty much means everybody, so I can't really use that against you. Still, I urge you take heed.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - An important piece of information arrives this week that could propel you into your greatest life success, but it will take dedication and hard work. So brush up on your skill at ignoring important information.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - An unexpected encounter will reveal an ancestral past that you may not want revealed. What I'm saying is, don't take that trip to your great uncle Caveman's house this week.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - This week, gourmet specialty mayonnaise is still mayonnaise, and your guests will see though your ruse.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - How far you go in your career depends on what percentage of the people in the Zoom meeting this week see you masturbating when you thought you had video turned off. I'm not sure if that proportion correlates directly or inversely to your dick size, though.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - Knowledge and experience go hand-in-hand this week, merrily skipping away from you in mutual disdain.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - In the cosmic airplane crash of your soul this week, your brain is a floatation device. Unfortunately, you have always failed to pay attention to the flight attendant's instructions, preferring instead to gaze at her tits, and you will end up trying to use your dick as the oxygen mask. I don't have to tell you how that will end up.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - Don't forget to... shit, what was it again?

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - A handsome stranger will catch your eye this week, but he won't be able to fit it back into its socket.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - How long will you keep telling yourself that you are ineffectual, inadequate, and insignificant? How long? Because I have to tell you - it needs to be a very long time indeed, if you wish not to delude yourself.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Your boss is going to make good on his promise to show you the money this week. You will be very impressed with it. And then go back to your cubicle.

Week starting October 12 2020

About a year and a half ago I logged in and threatened to come back and start doing this again. It was clearly a bluff you all called, so I have no choice but to give it another go. Plus this whole lock-down thing has me like fuuuuuck. Twelve incredible jokes every week is in my blood. I mean, twelve highly accurate horoscopes every week is in my blood. So here I am. Be very afraid.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - This week you may feel some negative signals around you. When you do, it will be important that you can interpret the lights on the monitors.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - Be open to the hints coming your way this week about creative ideas for not kidnapping governors.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - An important piece of new information arrives this week to challenge your preconceived notions. Be prepared to make some adjustments, like ignoring all new information.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - I have two words for you this week. Two... words.... Watch for them.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - Gender-neutral terms might prove challenging this week. Dude.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - Can you scootch over about a foot or two? Thanks. Ah. Yeah. Watch out for that thing behind you this week.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - Tap out this coming week. Seriously. I'm telling you. By fucking Monday. I'm serious.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - Covid-19 gets the best of you this week, which, if we're being honest, "the best of you" isn't really all that much. So, whatever.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - This week you will attempt to come back from your self-imposed exile, as though you can still come up with twelve jokes every week like you did in your 40s. You've made better choices in your life.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Genies are tricky - watch every detail when you encounter one this week and make your three wishes. They like to get you with the double meanings, so no wishing for a giant erection, for instance. You never know what the genie will come up with there.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Pandemic concerns and ridiculous debates dominate your ideas for satire this week. Be careful with that. Everyone is fucking tired of that shit. Be considerate.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Be very careful suggesting to me this week that I should stick around and revive Uncyclopeida Horoscopes after all these years. I'm 55 years old and in quarantine. I just might do it.

9 December 2015

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) -This week you have a bad case of diarrhoea, but you refuse to suffer in silence.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - You move house on Wednesday, leading you to a Christ-like desire to abandon all material goods, instead of packing them in 157 boxes and bags and hauling them up and down stairs.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - On an archaeological dig, you discover that the Arabs first considered the concept of zero when someone asked them how many baths they had a year.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - People told you that the online dating market was saturated with about every type of angle covered, but with 12inchdating.com you find a lucrative niche market for the well-endowed and the guys and gals who love them.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - Mutual friends describe you and your ex as chalk and cheese - because she is thin and white, and you smell funny.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - One of the major reasons why you haven’t changed jobs is because your current levels of foul-mouthed moaning wouldn’t be acceptable in another workplace until you have worked there for at least 6 months.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - If you enjoyed Black Friday, consider going to Washington D.C., where it is Black Friday every Friday.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - “And if he doesn’t like it, he can lick my balls” has long been your fave witty riposte, but it leads you into trouble this week, when a dude actually opts to lick your balls.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You change your email signature from “best regards” to “best”. An entirely common thing to do, and nobody knows that every time you see it, you whisper “that’s right, I’m the BEST, bitch”.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - When letters arrive from the electricity company, the water company, and somewhere else official-looking, you decide to stop being a functioning adult and try bursting into tears instead.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - Tragically, your girlfriend is diagnosed with gonna-rea, a chronic disease which causes her to tell you everything she is gonna do, meaning even sentences like “I’m gonna have a shower, I don’t know if I’m gonna wash my hair” are not considered too trivial to share.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - You run for election claiming you will build more kids’ football facilities and reduce tax on women’s underwear - strictly so your campaign slogan can be “Pitches and knickers”.

23 November 2015

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - On Saturday night you dance your ass off. It causes horror on the dancefloor initially, but then an impromptu football match breaks out.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You discover the only downside to working at the baby oil factory - it’s very hard to get ahold of your coworkers.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - Reading comments pages online, you decide that there is a fine line between stupidity and irony - and it’s called the US-Canada border.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - Fifty years after the height of the civil rights movement, you direct a porno called Malcolm XXX, in which the male stars change the lyrics of ‘’We Shall Overcome’’ to ‘’We Shall Come Over’’.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - Your girlfriend breaks up with you, claiming your OCD has become too much for her. On the bright side, she did make you ejaculate 169 times during the length of your relationship, and you have the spreadsheet to prove it.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - After years of loving ‘’The Sopranos’’, ‘’The Wire’’ and ‘’Game of Thrones’’ among many others, you now get a semi every time you hear that HBO aaaaaaaah ident.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - You spend the whole week lighting up motherfuckers like it ain’t no thing.

Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You impress women when you tell them you run your own business, until you eventually have to reveal that that just means you’re a shoe-shine.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Take the average amount of time it takes you to respond to an email when someone is doing you a favour, and subtract it from the amount of time it takes you to respond to an email where you have to do someone a favour, and that’s apparently how much of a cunt you are.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your boss humiliates you at work on Friday by insisting you spend the whole day doing the twist.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Your grandmother’s eyesight isn’t what it used to be, as you notice when you discover her using your anal beads as a rosary.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - Your name hasn’t gone down in history, as you would have liked, but it is now on several sex offenders’ registers.

15 October 2015

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - When your partner asks you what you want for your birthday, try hard not to say “Permission to sleep with a busty black stripper”.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - Draping lightly melted chocolate over your wife’s breasts totally wrecks the impression you make at the Republican debate.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - A visit to your parents’ house this week is full of nostalgia - the same room, same home cooking, same waiting out side the school gates.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - Your habit of licking the bowl clean when you finish eating has to stop, especially during Holy Communion.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - You risk a major racial rift with your parents when you bring home a Gemini girl.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - Like a cat, you always land on your feet. And like a cat, your diet consists mostly of cat food.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - This week you ask yourself “what would Jesus do?” and the answer is he wouldn’t have put that in there in the first place, or taken any of those, or squirted that over them.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - You vow to spend the whole week asking, “Excuse me, do you work here?” to the richest looking people at the shopping mall.

Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You find out you were christened Bob because that was what your mother did best, according to your dad.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You manage to get your stool sample into that impossibly small jar, and then hand it into the receptionist at the doctor’s. it will be interesting to see how they react when they realise no one asked you for it.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - When a TV crew tries to bust you this week over certain unpleasant allegations, just say the word “cunt” over and over so they can’t broadcast anything.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - She may be a replicant, but when she goes down on you, it really makes your circuits tingles. Wait a minute, YOU HAVE CIRCUITS TOO?!?!?

24 August 2015

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - People don’t change, which is a real shame in your case, because almost any change would be an improvement.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - You feel uncomfortable when your partner compares you to her father, especially when she says it's because you have the same size cock.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - You are comfortable with your nude form. Some of the other commuters are positively shocked however.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Ignore the previous version of this page. I thought the message was, “This week you will be drinking yourself into an early grave” but it was actually, “This week you will be drinking in an open grave.” Which is worse.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - You find yourself increasingly repulsed by society’s capitalist and materialistic ways, especially when it is your turn to pay for dinner.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - You have never really had any hang-ups about the size of your penis. If anything, it’s your vagina which you are self conscious of.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - You can’t help feeling that US sitcoms have cheated you when you rock up to New York, get a job as a waitress, and find that the 1500 square-foot apartments the characters always could afford are about 1400 square feet out of your price range.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - The first magical signs of the irrevocable changing of the seasons come this week, as you stop masturbating in your shorts and start masturbating in your sweat pants.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - The most long-awaited period of your life comes, as you finally finish the last chapter of Ulysses.

Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Having “ants in your pants” is supposed to mean you are restless, but you find the reality of having ants in your pants lends itself much more to screaming hysterically, stamping, scrubbing, showering and crying.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You are forced to admit you are addicted to sex on Tuesday, as your partner catches you cheating while having intercourse with her.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Celebrations are in order as your start-up manages to set up its 100,000th “FREE WIFI” network which tempts users into connecting and then NEVER FUCKING ACTUALLY WORKS.

9 June 2015

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - This week you make a move on your partner’s mother. Not because you find her attractive, just to see what will happen. It proves to be an interesting few days.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Nothing can get you down this week as you pass through every crisis, high on life. And cocaine, mostly cocaine.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You have a crumby life, a crumby job, and a crumby apartment, but that’s what you get for being a baker.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Everything you touch turns to shit, which is having a seriously negative effect on your sex life.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - This week you find your calling - vulnerable teenage girls. No wait, I read that wrong: This week, you find you’re calling vulnerable teenage girls. Stop it.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - In an attempt to force your girlfriend to break up with you, you tell her you are really into watersports. Her response is surprisingly positive, and so begins a game of chicken which essentially no one wins, not least the recycling men who have to collect your mattress on Sunday.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your self-esteem takes a blow when your fave streaming site tells you that horny girls in your area are interested in your brother.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - You spend the whole of Tuesday putting on a gay Californian voice and calling other people “faggot”.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - Sunday is a day of primal passion, with half a dozen orgasms, a veritable orgy of food and a pervading sense of decadence and indulgence saturating everything. The next step is to find someone else to do it all with.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. Weird first stand-up gig.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - On Instagram you post a message saying that “"chocolate comes from a bean, beans grow on trees, therefore chocolate is a fruit so it must be healthy”. Crestfallen, you discover soon afterwards that you have turned into a massive dick.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - Just because you like Barbra Streisand (pictured), that doesn’t make you gay. It’s the sucking cock that does it.

10 May 2015=

• Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - You wish your genital warts would go away. Not the most traditional thing to say when blowing out your birthday candles.

• Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - You win big on the lottery, as you finally qualify as one of the charitable causes the fund gives donations to.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You bring shame upon the family name. Three times during the week and twice on the weekend.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You’re not the smartest, nor the most good-looking, nor the most successful person in the world, but you keep your relationship going by constantly offering your partner oral sex.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Thursday is a dark day as you really start to think about the fact that Adam Sandler is a much richer and more successful person than you are.

• Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - Amid more violence over depictions of Mohammed, you wonder, if no Muslim has ever drawn him, how do these damn extremists manage to recognise pictures of him?

• Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - Your girlfriend tells you she only has eyes for you. If she only had the same attitude towards her ass and pussy.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You inadvertently ruin your French girlfriend’s gourmet dinner of snails in garlic when you unthinkingly shake some salt on them.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - When you consider smuggling crack cocaine in your rectum, well, that’s rock bottom.

• Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - During your visit to Bangkok, make sure you avoid any encounters with ladyboys by asking any prostitute you solicit to first throw a ball overarm before you take them back to the hotel.

• Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - Your friend is very sympathetic when you tell him you spent the whole weekend indoors, reheating frozen pizzas, masturbating, and playing computer games. I don’t think he realises you are boasting.

• Aries (March 21 - April 20) - Upon learning that the Scottish National Party leader is called Sturgeon, and her predecessor was Salmond, you can’t help thinking there is something fishy going on in Scottish politics.

16 April 2015

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your new career as a psychic is seriously undermined when your friends manage to throw you a surprise birthday party.

Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You're all about the bass, bout the bass, no treble. Which is why you get fired from your sound technician job.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You can learn a lot from walking a mile in another man's shoes. Like people can run surprisingly fast in bowling shoes when they find out you have stolen their Nikes.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You're the kind of guy who pulls his USB stick out of the computer without ejecting it first but hey, your wife knew she was getting with a wildchild when she married you.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You went on a Christian retreat as a school child, and it appears you have been retreating from Christianity ever since.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - An extremely embarrassing moment on Tuesday evening when your mother catches you masturbating. But don't blame yourself - you had no way of knowing she'd be in the adult picture house too.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - On Wednesday you get mixed up and spray yourself under the arms with your shaving foam instead of your deodorant. Weirdly, it leaves you feeling fresh-smelling and confident throughout the day.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)- You were dismayed by the recent massacre at a Kenyan college. What are these people thinking? I mean, whoever heard of a religion being spread around the world by threats and violence?

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You can't decide what you love most about your new Apple Watch (pictured) - whether it's the fact you have to keep your forearm raised in a super-comfortable position in front of your face, or the fun that can be had mimicking the action of winding and unwinding a watch which is still on your wrist.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your boss will explain why an online banking model isn't applicable to a sperm bank.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Another day, another dollar. Which makes you wonder if you might be underpaid.

Aries (March 20 - April 19) - On the plus side, you are asked to star in a porn film this week. On the down side, the title is a pun on Gone in 60 Seconds.

26 March 2015

Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Your colleagues are momentarily excited when you announce "I've made brownies" on Tuesday, before they realise that is just your way of saying Señor Whoopsie has made an unscheduled stop in Trouser Town.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You have an ass that won't quit, which is a nightmare for your former employers.

Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You finally recover from your St Patrick's day hangover. It's going to be a long time before you can lick whiskey off a prostitute's boobs again. Or at least that's what you tell yourself.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Like many successful people, you have a personal motto. Unfortunately, yours is "I am sorry for everything."

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your newly single friend tells you some depressing stories about the soulless sexual interactions that can be had using Tinder. Even more depressing, you sign up for an account and have no such luck.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - When your girlfriend tells you her brother is a man's man, you mistakenly understand that means he is gay. A trip to the orthodontist awaits.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - In this day and age, it is not necessarily appropriate to address your boss as "sir". Especially when she is a lesbian.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You are visited in a dream by your 10-year-old self who wants to know a) why you haven't become a football player and b) why you spend a considerable portion of every day thinking about putting your penis up a girl's anus

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)- This week you discover a weird trick which leads to you having a perfect six pack. Be careful though, if you choose to advertise this fact online, there is a good chance that gyms will hate you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You like piña coladas and walks in the rain, which means you are constantly drunk and flu-ridden.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your new nude range of makeup is so realistic, you are arrested for lewd conduct.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You are flying this weekend, and given recent events, you promise to suck the pilot off if at any point during the flight he starts to feel a bit suicidal.

26 February 2015

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - In your sector it's important to stand out from the crowd, but I am not sure burping all our answers in the interview is the way to go.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - "The left hand should not know what the right hand is doing" is an eloquent evocation of the ideal nature of altruism. In your case, however, it's the rest of us who would rather not know what your right hand is doing.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Confusing feedback from your acting teacher, who describes your performance as a rape victim as "a bit forced".

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You are very quick to point the finger, which is not an ideal foreplay technique.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - After months of trying, you finally get your foot in the door at a major corporation. Unfortunately, it's a revolving door.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your latest film, Nutbush Shitty Limits, gets the usual mixed reviews - some people say it made their belly go fizz, other people say it should be banned worldwide.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Disappointment as your design for a baby onesie featuring the slogan "I used to be cum" has received no orders.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - It hits you that Vladimir Putin has basically spent the last six months doing the international version of the "What are you punching yourself for?" game with Ukraine.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You bump into an old schoolmate who has a better job, house, and partner than you. But on the plus side, he does look a bit fat.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)- It's the year of the goat, but you keep writing horse on all your cheques.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your partner is really into the whole 50 Shades of Grey thing, but she takes it a little too seriously this week when she climbs on top of you, calling you a worthless piece of shit, and beats you unconscious.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Thursday is distressing, as you buy a copy of Coping with Alopecia only for all the pages to fall out on the way home.

26 January 2015

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - To celebrate your forthcoming birthday, you decide to post: "Many years ago on this day, I completely destroyed a vagina. Not for the last time."

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - For weeks a rumour has been going around school that you are an expert at cunnilingus. After it emerges that you yourself began the rumours, the other teachers get together and campaign to have you dismissed.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You stick rigidly to the imperial system of measurements, except when it comes to measuring your penis, because centimetres just sound more impressive.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - When asked your opinion on your new co-worker's intelligence, you reply "Well I don't think Stephen Hawking will be shitting himself any time soon" before realising that, just like every day, Stephen Hawking will be shitting himself soon.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Tuesday makes it four times you have ejaculated at work. I know it takes the edge of the drudgery, but I don't think it's exactly the Steve Jobs route to success.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your girlfriend reveals she has this weird fart fetish which involves you never breaking win in front of her ever.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The cold makes your nipples so hard you could grate cheese on them. Don't actually do it though, remember what happened last year at the farmer's market.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Blind dates are usually hit and miss, but it's still depressing when the cute French girl you get set up with is arrested during dinner for her associationg with the Charlie Hebdo killers.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - When your hot new roommate catches you pressed up against the bathroom door while she was having a shower, simply explain you love the sound of running water.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Normally you like the sound of neighbours doing it, but that Russian girl next door sounds like a mother yelping after losing her child in a shopping centre.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)- You give the shortest lesson on the birds and the bees ever. When asked the classic "Where do babies come from?" you simply reply "Your mother's cunt!"

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Go up to the biggest, meanest, ugliest man you can find and say you want him to do you good and hard - he will immediately turn into a genie and grant you anything you desire.

December 10th

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)- You are arrested on Monday. The police say that is the most DNA they have ever seen left at a crime scene.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Unlike most men, you don't objectify women. But you do feminise objects, which is probably worse.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - "If it feels right, do it" your uncle always used to say. I don't think he had that in mind when he said it though.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Your girlfriend asks you to treat her like a princess, so you whisk her off to Paris, get drunk, and crash the Mercedes into a tunnel, killing her instantly.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - A celebrity death sets off a chain of events, as a friend of yours posts a message of condolence with a fucking :( emoticon in it, and you duly bludgeon him to death with his own laptop.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This Christmas, your hot toddies seem to be focusing more on the toddy part than the hot. That cup, for example, is basically just whiskey.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - At a cocktail bar on Friday, you see one drink called "Sex on the Beach", and a hilarious joke occurs to you when the waitress comes over and asks what you would like.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - A new colleague at work ticks all your boxes: vaguely attractive (check), seems friendly and smiley with you (check).

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - In your moments of stress this week, just recite your mantra, which in your case is Mr Mackey saying, "Poontang".

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You have your mother's green fingers. It's amazing what undertakers will let you do if you pay them enough.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Rather depressingly, the ghost from It's a Wonderful Life visits you to show you how little effect your suicide would have on your community.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - In an almost exact copy of the nativity story, you go on the run with a pregnant thirteen-year-old, in the hope of eluding a fearsome patriarch who wants to put your name on a register.

November 4th

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The weekend goes badly. You throw a bukkake party, but nobody comes.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - It dawns on you that as long as you look stressed and unhappy while you do it, you can check out as many girls as you want, and they won't suspect anything. Purse those lips, sigh, frown, and eye up dem titties.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You fart during your job interview, but you manage to convince the panel that it was the sound of someone in the next office tearing duct tape off the wall.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - There are plenty more fish in the sea, as your dad always says. Well, he used to say that, before that whole BP/Louisiana oil spill thing.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Did you know the French have a word - sillage [1] - for the trail of perfumed air a woman leaves behind her as she walks away? What you have is like the Dark Side version.

Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You get another rejection letter from a publisher regarding your series of books about David Sleuth, an adolescent detective who cannot stop masturbating.

Taurus (April 20 - May 21) - A friend posts a video on your wall saying, "This reminds me of you" but when you click on it, it says YouTube removed it for violating its decency standards.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) -You laugh in the face of death, but then you also laugh at Adam Sandler movies. You are just very easily amused.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - The only way you can get through hearing Katy Perry's Roar another time at the gym, is pretending that the word is her euphemism for breaking wind.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Stage one: Hear about a sub-genre of porn that sounds disgusting. Stage two: Check it out, out of morbid curiosity. Stage three: Find yourself inexplicably drawn back to videos despite initial revulsion. Stage four: Exhaust your fave site's catalogue of said genre. Stage five: Cause breakup with partner over insistence on recreating videos. And round and round we goooooooooooooo.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You discover that a water-damaged iPhone can dry out when placed in rice. Then you discover it doesn't work with egg fried rice from the local Chinese takeaway.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Your friend takes you to a vegetarian restaurant tomorrow and you have a Tofu Hot Dog. If you want to remember what it tastes like, just burp any time in the following 5 days.

October 25th

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - For your birthday, your parents are going to get you some aftershave, your sister is getting you a set of bubble bath and body scrubs, and your colleagues have clubbed together to get you a shower gel/deodorant value pack. Are we noticing a pattern yet?

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)- If you want your girlfriend to stop smoking, try slowing down and using more lubricant.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You are told your new business plan has the worst time invested/profit made ratio of any line of work that doesn't involve learning the accordion.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You tease your little brother, saying if he eats one more bacon sandwich he will go bang, but secretly you know it's the people who never eat bacon who are statistically more likely to explode.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Sometimes life all depends on perspective: baby kicking the inside of its mother's tummy = cute. Man kicking the outside of her tummy = felony.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You learn that your partner has nicknamed your penis "War" because it's good for absolutely nothing.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Tired of hot girls rolling their eyes at you when you check them out, you decide to spend the whole week eyeing up ugly and fat chicks. Bring wet wipes.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Remember when the doctor says the test has come back positive, that's not good, it means you've got something.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You spend the whole week campaigning for Oscar Pistorius to be allowed to wear prosthetic bum cheeks in prison.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your partner takes it badly when you joke about her being a bad mother. I guess it's too soon after the miscarriage.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You are telling too many people to "suck it". Tone it down.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - On Friday, an insect crashes into your kitchen window and explodes. Turns out it was a Jihaddy long legs.

October 9th

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - After years of unprotected sex, you finally go for an HIV test, and it turns out you don't have a magic Johnson.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Your friend was lying to you when he said that "There must be 50 ways to leave your lover" includes the lyric "Have homosexual sex, Rex", but anyway, it's all experience.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)- Turns out putting ear plugs up your rectum doesn't lead to silent farts.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - When your friend's wife explains she is having problems breastfeeding their newborn, avoid the temptation to refer to her breasts as milk duds.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - It was hard back in March when your girlfriend miscarried. It's been even harder keeping up the charade that she is still pregnant with everyone at work, but the paternity leave kicks in next week and it's all worth it.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You can't find a single plastic bag in your house, which means you have to carry your packed lunch to work in a garbage bag. You believe it's basically the same principle, but the rest of society doesn't agree.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Every night your mother calls you to say, "I love you Johhny," which is demoralising, because Johhny is your brother's name.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Making a woman have an orgasm is not brain science, and I don't think cutting her skull open and tinkering with the squidgy bits makes it so either.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You call a "no win, no fee" line for accidents at work, only to be told that shitting yourself during a meeting doesn't count.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your granddad passed on his girls' bicycle seat fetish to your dad, who passed it on to you, and you realise that the three of you have created a cycle of abuse.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - On Wednesday you fall unconscious after taking a pack of painkillers. The security guard at the pharmacy has a zero tolerance policy on shoplifters.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Saturday night starts kind of You Shook Me All Night Long and ends up rather Dude Looks Like a Lady.

September 21st

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Riding up the escalator tomorrow might seem the perfect moment to dispose of a fart: the movement away from the scene of the crime, the background noise, etc. However, remember a cursory glance behind you to check the coast is clear is not enough: there might be a small child whose face is directly in line with your anus when you break wind.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - It's really hard to find that one special person. Especially when you insist on poop play.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - This week brings you seven days closer to your destiny: a newspaper article ending in the phrase "before turning the gun on himself."

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Regular sex is important to keep a relationship feeling vital. If you don't fancy it with your partner anymore, sex with someone else is a useful alternative.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You spend the whole week trying to convince your friends that there is something called the shit box challenge.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Your first day at work is a baptism of fire. Which is not good for a priest.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You always feel embarrassed at parties when people ask you what you do, so you make a resolution: in the future you will lie about your job.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - That was a bitter pill to swallow. Turns out it was a suppository.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Your idea to play an mp3 of a woman sobbing every time your overly-amorous neighbours get it on backfires, taking their lovemaking to new and disturbing places.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your visit to a strip club is spoiled by the nagging suspicion that the girls are deliberately breaking wind in front of you.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The good news is you remember where you left your love egg. The bad news is, Papi has to lay that motherfucker now.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You sign up for a charity mastubatathon, with your friends sponsoring you per wank. Twelve orgasms in, you are completely spent, but it's the thought of those poor starving Africans' faces that gets you through to the baker's dozen.

September 3rd

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - While you're on your cigarette break on Thursday, vandals break into your egg-timer shop and turn the whole place upside down in 3-5 minutes.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - It's horrible when burglars break into your home while you're sleeping, but it's even worse when your rottweiler takes their side.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Love is in the air this week, but so is the Ebola virus, so be careful where you sniff.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Sometimes your life feels like one long Game of Thrones episode with constant backstabbing, scheming for power, and lustful desire to take your sister from behind.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - On Friday you feel very cocksure after managing to have sex with a colleague at the office, until someone points out your mother fucks half a dozen guys a night in her workplace.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week you suffer the indescribable pain of accidentally closing a browser window in which you had a movie buffering for a good ten minutes. Be strong.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Somehow the ice bucket challenge goes wrong for you: as soon as the water makes contact with you, you develop motor neurone disease.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Your self-esteem goes through the roof when your boss rates your time at his company as an unpaid intern as 'OK'.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - It's your turn to do the day shift at the strip club. Twerking nine to five, what a way to make a living!

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Your date with a Buzzfeed writer proves a disappointment, after she gives you a list of "Ten Guys I Want Up Inside Me" and you find you are not on it.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - While you have enjoyed guilty success at the Open Mic comedy night ripping off old Woody Allen and Bill Hicks routines, this week you discover that the general public is not ready to hear a white boy doing a routine called "Black people vs niggas".

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You are slowly learning to accept that Doritos are not an acceptable side dish. Or a main.

July 23rd

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You have spent so long scouring the internet for gorgeous World Cup football babes, that you are now unable to climax unless a woman has a face painted with the colours of a national flag.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your friends are aghast when you tell them you spend the entire working day spilling seed here, there and everywhere, until you explain that you are a farmer.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Your threesome on Wednesday gets off to a disastrous start, when both of your would-be lovers lean in to give you oral sex at the same time, and there is a nasty clash of heads.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You tell your roommate you slept like a baby, neglecting to explain that means you messed yourself during the night and woke up crying.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Ever since you were a teenager you have identified with Spiderman. Not for the great power, great responsibility crap, but because just like him, you hide cameras in corners to take secret photos, and you can produce a sticky white fluid with a magic flick of your wrist.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - After noticing that both Jimmy Savile (now then, now then) and Rolf Harris (can you tell what it is yet?) are both sexual predators whose voices used to be imitated by every impersonator under the sun, you become desperately worried that there may be a sex ring involving Sean Connery, Al Pacino, and Christopher Walken.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You wrestle with deep philosophical questions, like: before people lived in houses, where did indoor plants grow?

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Friday brings a dilemma when you fart while your partner is in the bathroom: in the thirty seconds afterwards, do you opt to trap the fart in the bedding, hoping she won't unleash it as she gets back into bed, or do you kick the sheets with all your might, hoping to disperse the smell ASAP? The answer: follow your heart.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - The world is so complex that it's hard to know who to sympathise with. After 2 Girls 1 Cup, many bloggers and journalists condemned the treatment of the film's two stars. But did they spare a thought for the stars of 3 Girls 1 Cup or 4 Girls 1 Cup? Do they realise we are now up to 11 Girls 1 Cup? I'll send you the link later, it's mayhem.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Immediately after climaxing on Thursday, you begin questioning why you do this, why you go to parties, why you try to get laid. This is called vagin-dsight. It doesn't look right written down, but it sounds good.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You believe that everyone has a perfect soulmate, and you are just grateful that yours was in the same geographical area, and was of the same race and social class as you.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - They're pinky and the brain, they're pinky and the brain… no, I'm sorry, even if I sing it, I still think it's a weird thing to call your cock and balls.

July 1st

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Like a dog, you’re a naturally sociable animal, a fiercely loyal friend, and when it gets hot, you lie on your tummy and press your balls against the ground.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You often boast that you don't jerk off because it feels like "trying to tickle yourself". Avoid following this up with the admission that you climax up to five times a day by humping Teddy.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Coelho said, “Imagine two men go to a stream after putting out a forest fire. The face of one is all smeared with black, while the other man’s face is completely clean. Which of the two will wash his face? Both, because the man with the clean face will see his colleague and say to himself: "I must be dirty too. I’d better have a wash." On Tuesday, you learn it doesn't work if you come out of the forest and masturbate.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You have always wanted to be spiritual but disliked how 'preachy' religion can get, so you decide to get really intense about juicing and pilates.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Stacey, the girl that you meet through match.com on Tuesday, rightly points out that describing yourselves as "outdoorsy" is not quite as accurate a description as "homeless".

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your friend announces the birth of his baby daughter on Facebook. Follow everyone else's congratulatory lead, and resist the urge to ask "Is Monica's pussy ok?"

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You have to accept that you have put on weight when a friend points out that even the small of your back is massive.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You decide to run 5 miles a day. That way, in a month's time, you will be 150 miles away from the crime scene.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - The stars are telling me you have always prided yourself on your steady hand when trimming your pubic hairs, but this weekend you get cocky. Oh wait, they're saying Cocky is with a capital c. Wait, you call your penis Cocky?

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You worry that your new girlfriend might not be the sharpest tool in the box, when you ask her "Who's your daddy?" during a frantic act of coitus, and she duly recites her father's full name and address.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your friend told you that it's impossible to tell when someone's urinating in the sea. What he neglected to explain was that it only works like that if you're entirely immersed in the water, not when you're just dipping your feet.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Clean your ass. I don't mean that in a sassy, hip hop way, I mean get some soap lathered up, give your backside a good once over and then shower it, or preferably sink it in the bath for an hour. You stink.

June 10th

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - After watching a documentary about a tribe in Africa where the women wear huge lip discs, you start thinking about how society helps shape what we think we want and desire. Then you turn your attention to convincing your girlfriend to go ass to mouth.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You believe that homosexuality is wrong as God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Less conventionally, you also believe God is OK with incest, as he must have let Adam and Eve’s kids fuck each other to produce the rest of us.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your graduation ceremony is ruined when you learn your careers advisor only told you to go into acupuncture as a joke, because all the teachers thought you were a “little prick”.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You start to worry as you find yourself attracted to your 13-year-old cousin, but then you remember you’re a Pakistani and she is arranged to be your bride, so no worries.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Just like Wolverine, you’re the very best at what you do, and what you do ain’t very nice. It’s really true in your case, though, that´s disgusting.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You learn a lot at your first cookery class, including the fact you have been pronouncing “cumin” wrong all these years.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You’re happy to tell everyone that you fought in Vietnam. What’s important is that you leave out the fact the fight happened in 2012, and it was with a transsexual prostitute who shortchanged you.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Back in college, making deposits at the sperm bank every day seemed a great way to earn money. Now, you realise that, when your midlife crisis comes, you’re going have to look twice at any girls more than 18 years younger than you.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Some people, like you, think the glass is half full. Others think it’s half empty. What’s important is that we all agree you should wash the glass out and not collect that stuff in the future.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You discover you have a super power, but unfortunately, all you can do is shape-shift into a foetus.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You feel a close affinity with Batman this week, as you dress up in black PVC and punch bewildered strangers in the face.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Fuck everyone else. You’re fine as you are.

May 17th

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - On Tuesday a small yappy-type dog crosses your path, and for some reason, you are able to punt him across the street with absolutely no consequences. What do you mean, you don't believe me?
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - After Wednesday you have completed your set: whatever religion is right, you are going to hell.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - The week starts badly when, brushing some crumbs off your lap at breakfast, you notice that your penis has detached, silently, like an eye lash.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - When there's something strange, in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? What do you mean, the KKK?
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - The heart wants what it wants. But that's not your heart, and you're not allowed to want them.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - I know you really like the line, but I think it's time to retire "I would DRINK your bath water." It's just not proving successful.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - When you were young, packing for holidays was so simple. Now it's all vibrators, love eggs, nipple clamps and lube. When did life get so complicated?
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You worry you are becoming unproductive when your mother asks what you did today, and you reply, "Game of Thrones".
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You become the first father in history to include a section on double penetration in his son's first talk on the birds and the bees.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - On your first day at the maracas factory, you just click with everyone.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You believe human life is sacred even before conception, which is why you always masturbate tearfully into a casket. Which is starting to fill up, BTW.
• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You impress on your blind date by reciting "I am not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son. I am only plucking pheasants 'till the pheasant plucker comes. I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's wife, and when we pluck together it's a pheasant plucking life" three times in a row.

May 8th

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) – Your life is beginning to feel like a series of trials, but that's mostly because you keep getting arrested.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – After going out with her for a few weeks, you were comfortable enough to burp in front of her. After living with her for a few months, you farted in front of her. Now after being married for three years, on Wednesday you finally take a shit with her right there in the bathroom.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – You never thought you'd be into transexuals, but now, well, you don't know really. It's odd. Interesting to look at. (See right.)

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – Suited and booted, with a briefcase in one hand and a Starbucks cup in the other, you stride through the city's financial district with confidence, and no one has any idea you're an unemployable bum.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – On Wednesday, when you feel the sneeze coming, don't just cover your nose with the tissue - remember that sometimes when we sneeze, snot comes out of the mouth too. And hits people.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – Your claim that you are Superman and that you were simply changing out of your normal clothes in that phone box and not exposing yourself rather falters when the policeman notes that you do not have a Superman outfit.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – On Thursday Venus moves into your sign, meaning it is the perfect day for love-making. Unfortunately, you are also going to lose a relative on the same day, so you will have to play through the pain.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – Give a man a fish and he shall eat dinner. Teach a man to fish and he shall eat for life. You really should have taught him how to swim first though.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – Visiting your parents for the first time in months, you worry that you might not come from culturally elite stock when you notice your father scratching himself before getting on with making lunch.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – Settling down to watch an episode of Modern Family, it dawns on you that you would do every female member of the case except the Asian kid, and, knowing you, she will probably make the cut before the series is over.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - When a feminist friend convinces you that pornography objectifies women, you vow to watch exclusively gay stuff from now on.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – On Sunday, your Tourette's Syndrome actually comes in handy when you meet a cock-sucking, mother-fucking cunt.

April 26th

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Your lifelong habit of saying "That's what i think of you and your religion" as an amusing way to introduce a fart causes tension with your new roommate from Saudi Arabia.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – Whatever happened to that bright-eyed youngster, full of dreams and ideals, with the whole world at his feet? The police call on Monday, they want to ask you a few questions about him.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) – You never understood why school bullies always picked on you and said you were gay. Turns out, you're fucking gay! (See right.)

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – A meeting with the cosmetic surgeon brings good and bad news: you can afford the nose job and the liposuction, but the penis extension is going to be a bit of a stretch.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – Venus moves into your sign this week, and your sign is all like, "What the fuck?"

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – Inspired by the story of St George, you decide to dress up as a knight and kill a dragon. Unfortunately, that was the only komodo dragon that the city zoo had, and the visitors were really upset, especially the kids.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – You must have flushed the chain four times - that didn't work - so you mashed the sucker with a toilet brush - then two more flushes, and then an acrobatic cleaning session involving stretching the shower head over towards the toilet and rinsing the shit off the brush head. Absolutely epic, and there's no one you can tell. Polite society sucks.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – Returning to civilisation after years spent as a castaway, everything seems strange: the luxury of blowing your nose into a soft tissue, the unspeakable ease of flicking a light switch, and the fact that you can no longer stand on the beach masturbating into the sea.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – After years of looking for a girl who actually loves anal sex, you're delighted to find one, but you find yourself in a quandary when she reveals she insists on doing it bareback after a creamy curry.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – After a day spent staring at a computer screen at the office, followed by a night spent staring at a computer screen at home, you've come to understand that the main difference between your work time and leisure time is whether you have your pants up or down.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – You start to worry that it's been too long since you had physical contact with a woman, when an fat old lady accidentally brushes her behind against yours in a café and you get the biggest erection of your life.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – You decide to take up karate, just for kicks.

March 28th

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – So I finally got into Breaking Bad. Dude I have to say, the basic message is not "Dealing meth is a victimless crime."

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You can proudly say you hate only three types of people: sexual abusers, racists, and people who say there is caffeine in green tea.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – After many years of personal struggle, you realise that you have to accept that any girl who calls you "Papi", no matter how delicious, is not a long term prospect.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – Your embarrassment at going to work naked is alleviated when you remember you are a stripper.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – You surprise everyone when you start your "Top 10 Tips for Success" with "1. Try Heroin."

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – On Wednesday you will be lucky in love. Every single one of you - even the really, really old ones, and the really, really young ones. I know, weird, right?

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – Remember, when a woman in a bar asks you, "What's your poison?", don't reply, "It's not poison, it's only rohypnol."

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – Relations with your step dad worsen when he reveals that he recently made your mother lactate some milk she was apparently withholding from you.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – Your ex-girlfriend just rang, she said she left you because your penis was too big and you were so clever and funny it was intimidating. Now, will you please get in off the window ledge?

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your friend, a new father, tells you kids are like farts, presumably because they smell, you normally regret doing one, and in order to produce one, an orifice in your nether regions needs to dilate considerably.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – Venus moves into your sign this week, which could mean a sudden influx of wealth. I know that sounds crazy, but bear in mind it's a whole fucking planet we're talking about here.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – Let me trace the trajectory of your life for you since graduation. 2008 - wake up and smell the roses. 2011 - wake up and smell the coffee. 2014 - wake up, you've shit the bed.

February 17

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – The week turns sour when you are reprimanded for singing "You give love a bad name" on the way to the sexual harassment information session.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – Lying in bed with the most beautiful woman you have ever know, you develop a new technique to fart silently: imagining your bottom as a face, with your anus blowing out little puffs gently.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – Your philosophy teacher might not agree but I think it's a valid question you asked: should a man keep wiping until the toilet paper is completely clean, or until there is a respectably small amount of shit on it?

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - If you are single, Wednesday will be a great day to meet someone new. If you're in a relationship, I don't really know what that means. Maybe something good will come on TV, or something.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – After years believing you had no 'type' when it came to the opposite sex, you finally come to accept that you're a sucker for big tits.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – Next Thursday at 14.32 you hit your elbow, and say, "Ow, fuck, I just hit my elbow."

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – The radiator says "DO NOT COVER" but you go ahead and dry your underwear on it anyway. You daredevil.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – In Chinese, the word for crisis can also mean opportunity. The next time you meet a Chinese guy, ask him if there's a second meaning to "revenge pornography lawsuit".

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – Your tendency is to fight fire with fire - but that will not get you very far working for the fire department.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – Your dad always said you'd never amount to anything. But he didn't predict you'd develop a scat fetish, so he wasn't exactly Nostradamus, was he?

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – Before asking "Where my motherfucking niggas and my bitches at?", always remember to look in the last place you saw them.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – The fuck stops here.

February 5

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – Most girls, on finding out that their ex still masturbates over them, would be flattered. But not her. No, she threatens to call the police, tells you to get out of her house and calls you a sick fuck.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – You live by the mantra, "Don't shit where you eat". Now is the time to demand more of yourself, and try and shit more often specifically in the toilet.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – Disappointment with the job interview on Monday, as you manage only to say "waffles" repeatedly. It's all good practice, and anyway, that technique might work at the Waffle House.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - On Wednesday, a friend tells you to take a box of tissues when you go to see 12 Years A Slave. Weird, cos in the end, you don't need to wank once.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – I know you're nervous about talking to the doctor. Throw everyone in the waiting room off the scent by announcing clearly to the receptionist: "I have an appointment. It's not for syphilis."

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – On Friday you realise that "living statue" in your local park is just a tramp who's frozen to death.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – What's in a name? A lot, as your father found out. While chewing gum became a worldwide success, his invention, Mastication Paste, confused and appalled customers.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – Disturbing memories from your childhood mean that either Woody Allen sexually abused you, or Mia Farrow brainwashed you into thinking he did.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – A whole day of home improvement is wasted when you realise that the house you're painting is not yours.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – The recent Chinese New Year makes you reflect on things, like where your dog has been for the last week.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – So you work hard staying late in the office for months and no one seems to notice you, but the minute you go on YouPorn for some stress relief it's all "internet history this" and "did you think of the poor cleaners?" that.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – My telescope's broken, but I see a full moon and a fire sign - so lay off the Mexican food this week.

Christmas!

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings. But that's no excuse to keep opening the front door of that massage parlour.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Who brought that blow up doll in here?

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – You lose concentration while the Ghost of Christmas Future is talking to you due to his radical threads and hoverboard.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – "No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!" Who knew the rosy-cheeked young boy who said that would grow up into a person making front page news, featuring the phrase "before turning the gun on himself."

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You always hate Christmas, and this year it doesn't help when you learn that a local entrepreneur heard you saying "Bah humbug" and has since launched Baa Hamburgers, the finest lamb-burger joint in town.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house/Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Which means you can finally have a quick wank over some porn.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – You create an indelible memory for your kids when they come down to see what's in their Christmas stockings, and find their father.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – .'And so this is Christmas . . . what have you done?' Actually I don't want to know. I deleted you from my Facebook notifications because even the hints were too much.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – The perfect Egg Nog recipe: one part egg to four parts nog.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – When Jimmy Stewart said, "Well, your money's in Joe's house - that's right next to yours. And in the Kennedy House, and Mrs. Macklin's house, and, and a hundred others," it was sweet because he was demonstrating how the town worked as a cooperative. It's not the same effect if you simply explain you haven't bought presents because all your money's in your drug dealer's house.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – I know you hate your job and it makes you suicidally depressed. But put a Santa hat on, it will do wonders.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – God bless us, every one! Well not the Jews obviously. Or the Muslims. Or the atheists. We'll give the agnostics five more minutes.

Week starting June 17

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week a long lost member of your mage guild will turn up to whip the shit out of you, in many horrible ways. Now that Jupiter is in line with the Sun, nobody will see you inserting that babies arm into your bosses asshole.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Joe Biden will make you a lunch that consists of one foreskin sandwich, twelve bottles of Frog Semen, and an essay on his new defense policy.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You will be asked to be involved in a strange sexual act involving cheese and three goats. Your mother will take photos and hang them around her house for all members of your family to gain very large erections.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You will find out that your father watches Panda Porn. Go join him.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - There have been some slight changes in Uranus, that could possibly lead to enhanced homosexual emotions towards CD players.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - This week, your penis will grow.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - The great country of Latvia have elected you President. Also, your face is burning.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Why do you sit by the window, gazing through misty eyes at the life outside passing you by as you languish in your debilitating fear of living? You're blind, you can't see!

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week, your friend will tell you "Curiosity killed the cat." We are here to tell you it was actually carbon monoxide poisoning.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week, your love life will, once again, fail to deliver any hot chicks to your bed. You know, there are reasons for brothels.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Don't worry, sex with men does not count as cheating. Reorder your priorities, starting with your filthy bad habits.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Don't worry, sex with fruit does not count as cheating. However, sex with men does count as cheating.

Week starting June 10

From the magical unicorn that is IFYMB!

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You will be asked to be involved in a strange sexual act involving cheese and three goats. Your mother will take photos and hang them around her house for all members of your family to gain very large erections.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week a long lost memeber of your mage guild will turn up to whip the shit out of you, in many horrible ways. Now that Jupiter is in line with the Sun, nobody will see you inserting that pineapple into your bosses vagina.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Joe Biden will make you a lunch that consists of one foreskin sandwich, twelve bottles of Frog Semen, and an essay on his new defense policy.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Despite your negative attitude towards the North-East and the Democrats, you will head up to Maine for Al Gore's funeral, even though, to you, he is still just "that one night stand."

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - There have been some slight changes in Uranus, that could possibly lead to enhanced homosexual emotions towards not very impotant members of society.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - This week, your penis will shrink.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - The great country of Mexico have elected you President. Also, your apple pie is burning.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Why do you sit by the window, gazing through misty eyes at the life outside passing you by as you languish in your debilitating fear of living? You have such a great ear.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week, your love life will, once again, fail to deliver any hot chicks to your bed. You know, there are reasons for brothels.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week, your friend will tell you "Curiosity killed the cat." We are here to tell you it was acctually Carbon monoxide poisoning.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Stop stripping and do something with your life that doesn't involve sex or flaunting your body. Get your bronze ass off that man's lap and enter a wet t-shirt contest.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You will be fired from your very boring but high paying job. Bummer. But, it all ends well because the director of The New Hampshire Farm Museum has just died. You know a job opening when you see one.

Week starting June 3

OK once more into the ecliptic:

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You will get everything you always wanted this week. Except for the jeggings - the stars have to draw the line somewhere and those are just hideous.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week a colleague might resign and you could be in line for his or her job. I read that in a so-called "serious" horoscope column and decided to forward it to you - one, because I was too lazy to write you a comic one this week, and two, it rings true to me. It might happen. You could be. This is undeniable. Horoscopes are amazing.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The Buddha wanted me to tell you he'll meet you on the road this week all right, and you're welcome to go ahead and try it.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Although the lines on your face don't tell a story of a rough life lived with grit and determination, they do look like a haiku about a very intrepid turtle written in a shaky katakana.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - I understand that you've always prided yourself on being willing to put your money where your mouth is, but I really don't care for you throwing your quarters at my ballsack like that.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - This week, may the road rise to meet you, may the wind be at your back, and may a swarm of naked nymphomaniacs be drawn hastily into my bedroom.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You will begin to question your theory that the universe is a perfectly reasonable place when you find yourself in Oregon this week.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Why do you sit by the window, gazing through misty eyes at the life outside passing you by as you languish in your debilitating fear of living? You have such a great ass.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - The line for appropriate satire is drawn somewhere on the spectrum, of course, but this is still a good week for you to admit how much you love a good autism joke.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - It's easy to sit there and joke about rape if it's never happened to you. And it's much better when things are easy, so don't get raped this week.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Your great grandmother contacted me from beyond the grave - she says either stop digging in your butthole all the time, or learn to wash your hands properly.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Taurus you are an ignorant shit. Sorry I'm angry at this Taurus in accounting and I'm really hoping he reads this. Damn I probably should not have mentioned that. But I didn't want you other Tauruses to get upset. I'm so stupid.

Week starting May 27th

This week only (maybe) your intrepid and beloved angry-little-man astrologer returns with more horoscopes to amaze, inspire and belittle. He will not listen to any accusations of violating any claims you may have heard him make that he would never write for the fork - he does not recall saying anything like that. This may be all he writes anyway - he only has 12 jokes. So zip up your pants and calm down.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - The good news: you will experience a Hollywood ending in your life this week. The bad news: it will be immediately followed by a Detroit rebeginning.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Put aside all of your material desires this week, and focus your attention on the fulfillment of all of mine.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - I would recommend you see a medium to take you back to that moment in your ancestral history where the damage started, but I don't think there's any psychic access to the primordial soup.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This week, if you are the Virgo comedian Lewis Black, you will tell a joke that involves a great deal of nervous finger-twitching. If you are any other Virgo, a new chance at romance blah blah, or something.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week Oliver Sacks will convince you that all of your psychological issues will be resolved by Satchmo and Tchaikovsky, and then he will write another best-seller about it. You will still be an emotional wreck, of course, but at least he'll be richer.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Catastrophe awaits you this week. But you know, if I were you I'd keep him waiting - catastrophe is a god damn prick, and you have better things to do with your time.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Want and deserve are two different things. In some cases, such as "Cleveland sports fans" and "a championship", both verbs apply. In others, such as "you" and "a better life", not so much.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You will be challenged to define exactly what you mean by "love" this week when you use it to promote your fascist agenda.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - They say an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, but this week you will exact a hairdo for a hairdo.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Close your eyes. OK now... Damn, I forgot. Now you can't see the rest of the horoscope. OK. Open them. Hello, open them. Uh oh...

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Time for positive affirmations. You are a warrior today. You take on the world and you conquer. You are strong and brave, and both socks of a matching pair emerge from your dryer.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - There is a bustle in your hedgerow this week, but I remember last spring the may queen vowed never to clean this shit up after you ever again. So I guess... be alarmed.

Week starting January 27th

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – Things have come to a pretty pass when the only time during the day when you feel morally upstanding is when you plug your laptop in to charge it up.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – For a short-attention spanned onanist like you, good news: about five minutes after Twitter launched 6 second videos, people have uploaded porno clips.
• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – The Full Moon is in fiery Leo, and outgoing Jupiter is in your chart’s communication zone, so I think that either means fiery sex, or sexy arson.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Financial problems also ease from Wednesday. God bless those welfare checks. Now, to the dog track!
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – From Wednesday, when Jupiter stops stirring up confusion, you will start to see your way ahead more clearly. He can be such a prick sometimes.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – Your status as a national treasure is put into doubt when you blame women for getting raped.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – The Full Moon in your sign on Sunday gives you the advantage in a situation that has held you back in recent weeks. No one plays basketball like Teen Wolf!
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – Your intuition, which is heightened by the Moon on Sunday, is telling you something: you have made a complete fucking mess of your life so far.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – From Wednesday, when Jupiter, the planet of good fortune, starts to travel forwards through the area of your skies that rules your hopes and dreams, you make a breakthrough in your search for Heather Harmon.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – On Tuesday you get punched right in the face.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – On Tuesday you discover a Scorpio has been doing really XXX-rated nasty stuff with your wife AND step-daughter.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – After hearing the latest on the Obama and Hilary sex scandal you seek out reports on the story from a wide range of political sources. Then look up some lookalike internet porn.

Week starting January 20th

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – Last week you stepped in some dogshit. Oh wait, you want next week? Hang on, I was looking at the chart upside down.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – Do you believe a man can avoid his own destiny if he knows it? Or will his actions irrevocably lead to that certain fate? Either way, try and wear clean underwear on Wednesday, for the surgeons' sake.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – You are clever, but not so clever that a great job is going to just land in your lap. Shall I repeat that? You are clever, but not so clever that a great job is going to just land in your lap.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – A depressing moment on Tuesday when a great joke you think of turns out to have already been done to death by internet memers.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - There is no shame in mispronouncing words you have only read and never heard aloud. Still, in the future, try to remember that monger as in cheese monger is not related to mong as in mongoloid.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – A sad moment for your dead Leukaemia victim girlfriend this week, as she finds out you do not exist.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – When a client offers to pay you with a blow job this week because she can't afford the bill, it makes you ask yourself challenging questions: if you converted your hourly rate into blowjobs, how many would you get a week? And what is the minimum amount of cash you need to buy food and knob cream?

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – After that girl from the other office half-smiled at you at the water cooler, you weren't sure how to react. I am here to tell you she definitely, definitely wants sex.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – You worry about the effect films have on you after you watch Django and immediately go out and buy some slaves.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – Adam was lying to you when he said Obama used the n-word to 'swear in'.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – Your tensions ease off this week when your ruling planet, Jupiter, forges a strong link with Mercury, the planet of communication, leading you to decide to call the "Fat Married Sluts" hotline. God bless those sloppy harlots.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – The Sun is travelling through your chart’s financial zone, and you may feel in a rush to steam ahead with your plans. Caution is advised. Try not to go too far, too fast, or take on more than you can handle. That's what he said.

Week starting January 13th

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – Kant was interested in two things: the starry heavens above and the moral law within. As you read this astrology summary, crusty with various people's bodily fluids, do you not think that you're focusing too much on the first, and too little on the second?

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – Be careful when praising Nazi Germany. While you may claim your opinion is based on mature and objective analysis, you still sound like a teenager who has discovered what naughty is.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – Sometimes asking a question can lead to you having to give the answers. Like when you walk into a police station and ask if raping a statue means you can be done for statutory rape.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – Realising you have a price can be depressing, but on Wednesday you find out that the price is too high, and you're going to have to lower it considerably if you want any clients.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You come into money from an unexpected source when someone mistakes you for a beggar.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – I think your twin brother is fucking your wife while you're at work. Well I would if I was him.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – "Voddy and coke"? While I'll admit your new girlfriend might have a certain verve to her, it's a bit worrying that she has a pet name for her favourite spirit.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – A pleasant surprise this week as a debate about gun control with your friends ends with you all ceding points and agreeing. Next week abortion - right or wrong?

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, so your androgynous wardrobe and bisexual tendencies must make you a perfect earthling.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – On Thursday you are at the height of your powers when your in-laws come to dinner. It's a fine night to try it - cut the cheese while cutting the cheese.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – Sometimes you have to accept someone is not interested. When a girl says she'd rather go home with an Indian bus conductor than you, it's time to cut your losses.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – A kinky relationship can be fun, but it's hard to find the balance. She seems to like it when you call her 'slut' but the last time you called her 'cum mop' she didn't like it. I'm telling you because I know you couldn't see her face at the time. The other two guys were in the way.

Week starting January 6th

Only available on http://en.uncyclopedia.co

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – I am not liable for any misinformation you may receive through this page or through my premium rate hotline. I am sorry about failing to warn you, but I genuinely thought the cosmos was telling me 'Uranus is about to cave in'.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – I know, it feels a little bit like when Uncanny X-men spawned X-men and you didn't know whether to buy both titles or not, but just ride through it.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – Thursday’s link between romantic Venus and your ruler, Neptune, can only mean one thing: tell your partner it's S&M in the bedroom this week, or nothing.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – Merry Christmas, you fucking Orthodox Christian, you.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - . With the New Moon and creative Venus on your side, you decide to kill your landlady. It worked out alright for Dostoyevsky so why shouldn't it work for you?

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – Spell out where you stand to your partner this week. Her redneck ass will take so long getting through the note that by the time she's finished you will be in the Northern states!

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – This week Venus rolls into your sign. Or is it Mercury? I always get those two mixed up. I like Saturn, that's the one with the rings around it.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – This week’s New Moon can help you to draw up constructive, detailed plans. You can leave the competition for dead, so be ambitious and show some determination. Is it your round or mine?

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – Thursday’s link between romantic Venus and the telepathic planet, Neptune, means you should be able to make your girlfriend do exactly what you want with those slippers and that pipe.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – A New Moon on Friday means you should leave your partner and children. I don't care if you love them, it's a New Moon!

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – At the end of every day, ask yourself, "What have you done today to make me feel proud?" If you can't think of anything, be more flexible, and extend the period to this week, these last few years. Or even extend it to what other people have done.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – Your financial situation is causing you concern, but remember that you have resources you can turn to. One in the hand is worth ten in the bush, so find out what those girls charge and multiply it by ten.

New Year’s Resolution Special

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – Tell your family about your past. You lost your virginity at age 11. To your local parish priest. You were a small, weak child, but luckily Father Jacob was frail and you overpowered and sodomised him.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – Give up drinking. Well, try. Well, try to cut down. Cut down a little bit. Have one less every day. Fuck it then, don’t.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – Go back to that gym, position yourself behind the bunnies doing their cardio, and beat it like there’s no tomorrow. Three times a week.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – Stop being a bit of a prick. You live in the big city, so you have to be a complete cunt to get anywhere.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Stop seeing that little trollop down the road. Concentrate your romantic energies on your wife and girlfriend.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – Lose weight. I mean it, lose some for fuck’s sake, you fat bastard.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – Get your finances under control. The key is prioritising. Spend your wages on paying the bills and the shopping. Steal to pay for drugs.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – Take up an exciting new hobby. How about sky diving? For that extra added buzz, pack your parachute quickly and don’t double check it.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – Live every day like it’s your last. Lie in a hospital bed and say goodbye to your bemused family.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – Be a better atheist. You try not to go to church every Sunday, but you went twice last year. Be disciplined.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – You’re 41 this year. If you can’t make it as a rock star this year, you won’t ever make it. So go out there and busk!

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – Confront your racism and homophobia by having a surprising relationship with a black fella.

Week starting 17th December

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your wife keeps making hints about wanting something black and hard for Christmas. Remember, you can get big bags of charcoal at most DIY stores.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - It's true, all women have needs, especially at this time of year. But that woman has special needs. That's why your plans for Tuesday are wrong.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - A word to the wise: the stockings one hangs up at the fireplace generally have a specific look - wooly and red. Those are fishnets, and they have a rip in them.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - On Wednesday, it might be more sensible to describe your passions as "Ella Fitzgerald, windsurfing and health treatments" rather than "scat, water sports, and facials" like at last year's Christmas dinner.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) -Romantic Venus is in your sign from Monday until after the New Year, so fucking go for it. Don't let domestic ties restrict you, get as much pussy as you can, and tell 'em I told you it's ok.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Renaming Egg Nog, "Egg Niggaz!" is not going to make it more marketable to African Americans. Tell your mother to forget about her Christmas Bavarian market dreams.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - On Thursday, romantic Venus is in tune with Uranus, the planet that brings sudden breakthroughs, and you will enter into a whole world full of wrong.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) -Socializing can be a real drain on your wallet, especially during the festive season. Now is the time to be responsible: more happy children, less happy endings at the massage place. I know, I know, Kim Yi has bills to pay too, but come on.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - He's not the baby Messiah, man. That's not even a star, that's just a CD someone is hanging from their window sill to keep birds away. You're making a lot of noise, dude, you're banging really loudly at the door. Let's just get you home and into bed, hey?

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This week finds you in philosophical mood; you wonder why, as a child, you always got so excited at Christmas, whereas now you don't. It's because the only thing that makes you happy is really weird shit now.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - It can be difficult for people of other religions this time of year, so find a Muslim, give him a Christmas present, and ask him if he fancies changing sides.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - I know you're fretting about last minute Christmas shopping, but don't worry, you'll have one less person to buy a present for than you think. I just can't tell you which one.

Week starting 10th December

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Christmas is lubricated with the following epiphany: drinking decaf Coke doesn't feel like drinking real Coke, so decaf Coke and whiskey doesn't feel like a real drink, and you can help yourself to one any time of day.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - This week you're shocked to hear the Queen receives two parcels full of human excrement every week. Who on earth is sending the other one?

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - For 50 weeks of the year, you can only explain away white marks under your nose as 'shaving cream' or 'toothpaste'. Remember: for the next few weeks, you can claim that that cocaine is really fake snow!

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Mercury gives you all the emotional clarity you need to make a vital decision. And it's delicious and shiny.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Your usual Christmas office party hi-jinks - photocopying your backside - are complicated this year by a colleague who is sick of you and a tube of superglue.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - On Wednesday, an atheist friend will sneer, "If God made the sun on the fourth day, how had four days passed?" at which point you shout, "OUR EARTHLY CONCEPT OF DAYS IS BASED AROUND ONE SPECIFIC STAR. THERE ARE MANY STARS IN THE UNIVERSE AND THE DAYS ON OTHER PLANETS ARE BASED ON THEIR ORBITS OF OTHER STARS. DON'T REPLACE ONE HELIOCENTRIC LOAD OF NONSENSE WITH ANOTHER!"

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - After years of hedonism, you've learned that it's what's inside that counts: you have cirrhosis of the liver.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Now is your chance to enjoy yourself! Having no friends or loved ones might be depressing in general, but your entire Christmas shopping can be completed on Tuesday, 5.15-5.30.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You start to worry your husband is getting sexually frustrated when you catch him looking up the skirt of the fairy on top of the tree.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - When you pool ideas with friends, solutions are found and a long-held dream can become a reality. Now, everyone's car keys in a hat, and no one complain if he gets Miriam.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Mercury gives you some intelligent business suggestions this week, but don't thank him, he totally copied them off Venus.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The chore of writing Christmas cards to family and colleagues is livened up by doing it naked and occasionally rubbing the envelopes over your balls.

Week 12/03/12

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Some languages, unlike English, describe the past as being ahead of us because we can see it, while the future, unknown, unseen, is behind us, as we stumble backwards through our lives. You're about to fall arse over tit.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Getting a career project off the ground this week could be harder than you thought. You're not as quick on the trigger as you think, and the cashier isn't as weak as she looks.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Outgoing, optimistic Jupiter is reversing through your chart’s adventurous zone, and you might find you bite off more than you can chew. Linda Lovelace was not made in a day.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Don't jump into anything too ambitious this week. Just carry on being the massive, aimless loser you were the week before.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - When a new young lover asks you to share your wildest fantasy with her, remember what we discussed - your concept of kinky divided by 10.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - "Itchy bum, surprise to come," your mother always used to say. On Thursday, you will find out the surprise. It's not as surprising as it might have been.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Friday night is likely to be especially active, so be careful not to tear your lovely new dress. And those lovely stockings too.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week your ruler, Jupiter, in opposition to the Sun. Don't take sides, just let them fight it out amongst themselves.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - New people you meet now may seem to have a lot to offer, but remember the maxim: not all that glitters is gold. And that white powder looks more like putty|Polyfilla]] than anything else.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - It's important to strengthen your bond with your closest love ones this week - they're your only hope of an alibi.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - With Christmas around the corner, celebrate in your own special way by making your porridge with Bailey's instead of milk.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - This is a week to be decisive. If anyone messes with you, just sting them with your big, pointy tail

Week 11/26/12

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - One in twelve people in the world - more than 500m people - share your sign. On Thursday, you will have a job interview.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Be careful not to over-exert yourself at the gym, you know what happened last time with the girls on the cardio machines, the security guard, and the unpleasantness.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You tend not to open up to people until they get to know you well, which is unfortunate because not many people seem to want to start the process.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Today will be really intense, especially the evening, when a social reunion will lead to pleasant, even exciting moments. Wear thick underwear and dark pants.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You will spend the morning in thoughtful mood, going over what happened the night before, but by afternoon you will feel more positive - either everything burned up nicely, or you will accept the natural force of justice.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Nostalgia is a dangerous emotion, especially when an old school friend falls asleep on your sofa. Do what the 14 year-old you did not have the courage to do. And film it.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - The moon in its current phase favors business deals, which is disappointing for you because you are unemployed.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - I know it's weird that your sign is called Cancer, but don't worry, it doesn't mean you will get cancer. But living in the western world does.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The moon is in your sign this week, so your luck is in! Put all your life savings on a horse and wait for the cash to roll in.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your aim for the week is to work on remaining serene, no matter how much the people around you try to rattle your cage. Remember, your wife is visiting on Sunday.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Bad luck arrives this week in the form of a telephone bill which gives your partner too much of an insight into your taste for fat grandma sexlines.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Everyone's life is distinct, so be careful when offering advice to friends who are in very different circumstances to you. Abortion is not for everyone.

Week 11/19/12

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - A development in your love life will occur in the first half of the week, as that girl you have been 'wooing' in the office finally gets an injunction.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Real relief for you as the police announce the Jimmy Savile investigation won't be interviewing any more suspects.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You will feel unhappy at work in the next few days. See that? I'm psychic.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Follow your gut instincts. Like that little twinge you feel in your tummy after the Indian on Wednesday night? Run to the bathroom, quick as you can.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week you are especially fertile, so try to get pregnant. Unless you're a man, in which case I don't understand what the stars are saying.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - After losing a general election in a powerful country, people will hold up pictures of you, with the caption, "Out of a job". Point out firstly that being a presidential candidate isn't a job, and that secondly you have lots of money anyway and don't need to work.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - I always get Taurus and Aires mixed up. You're the bull one right? Let's say this week you're going to be really stubborn about something.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Your split personality comes in handy this week when you convincingly deny knowing whose knickers they are, and what they are doing in your marital bed.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - On Friday, when the doctor asks you how it got there, just say you sat on it by mistake.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The moon is in your sign this week, so your luck is in! Put all your life savings on a horse and wait for the cash to roll in.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your romantic dinner on Saturday night is spoiled by your girlfriend's unreasonable reaction to your "Baked Bean a la Tin".

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week your scales are more important than ever. Winter is coming so it's time to shed them and grow new ones.

Week 10/15/12

Special! Uncyclopedia Horoscopes election guide!

This week your liberal-biased UnAstrologer tells you how the stars say you must vote in the upcoming election. If you do not happen to be a U.S. citizen, then you will need to find a fraudulent way to vote in this election as the stars dictate. In order to determine these guidelines, three things were considered: one, which candidate fits best with your star sign personality; two, how the planetary alignments on election day are affecting your mood, luck and life needs; and three, assuming that every voter follows these guidelines, how the numbers will add up to ensure an Obama victory.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Libra requires balance in life. So you have to vote for both Obama and Romney. There are ways.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Scorpio, being dark and evil, enjoys torturing animals. Romney gives dogs rides on top of his car. Obama eats them. Vote for Obama.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You are a risk-taker, reckless and stupid. The economy is your plaything. Vote accordingly. Vote Romney.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You are boring as shit. Romney is your man.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You can't vote for Ralph Nader again. Sorry. Hippy freak. Roseanne is running. Did you know that? Not a joke.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Attractiveness rules your star sign. Now, both of these gentlemen are pretty easy on the eyes, if you ask me. The third party candidates are all hideous toads, so... maybe you better just not even vote. But if you must vote, you know you like the Blacks.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You are the difference maker in this election. So vote for Obama.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You have no emotions, so you'd think, vote for Romney. But you are also a stickler for accuracy, so that may be out the window. Use your judgment. Go with Romney, unless a super-computer enters the race between now and the election.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Romney is a Mormon. He doesn't drink coffee, let alone highballs (your usual breakfast fare). Gemini is the twins - both of you should vote for Obama because he parties way harder.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Did you see that debate? No one is crabbier than Obama. Your vote goes to Barack.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Vote for yourself, you narcissistic twat. You won't win of course, but actually winning has never been a factor for your hubris before.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - It is actually possible that Romney is a virgin. All of his unmarried children are. So you vote for the whole lovely, saintly Romney family.

If you do the math, you will find that as long as Aries follows my instructions (and why wouldn't they?), Barack Obama will retain the Presidency. You read it here first.

Week 10/1/12

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - According to Pink Floyd, everything under the sun is in tune. Given that, I'd have to say your singing is... cosmic. Yeah.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - This week, a null boolean value will be neither true nor false, and that will screw up all of your SQL queries.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Everyone will laugh when you beg them to stop ignoring you, but don't fret; they won't be laughing at you - that asshole Dave will make a really good joke at the same time and they won't have heard you.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - A lot of people think you are great. But as soon as the last person goes home, it will really just be another empty lot.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - The eagle feather you found is a sacred thing, to be beheld with spiritual awe. Tickle your brother's ass with it in great reverence.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - The sacred oils are extra vibrant for you this week. Aaaand that's its own joke.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Be suspicious of a Taurus with one arm named Carl this week. It doesn't matter what his other arm's name is.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Good news - in the great end zone of life this week, you are the lucky Seahawk with one hand on the ball and idiot replacement referees all around you.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Your spirit guide will come to you in a dream this week and show you his willy.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You will be attacked by a gigantic vagina this week. Nothing else will go your way, however.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Came the light, a substance to behold - all nature bright and full and lillies fly, two fingers sold - oops! Sorry, my mistake. That's not your horoscope. That's a bad prog rock song lyric I'm working on.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Join me in song, thief.

Week 9/24/12

This week I present a SPECIAL BEST-OF HOROSCOPES PAST edition - definitely not done because I don't have enough jokes for this week. These are the best horoscopes your humble astrologer has written over the years, as voted on by me. But be very careful - these don't apply as your horoscope for this week, so I am not responsible if you mis-apply this advice. Of course I'm never responsible anyway, so... yeah. Enjoy.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You were born to a life of hatred and peaches. This week the peaches run out. from 12/21/09

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The good news is, two girls will be coming over this weekend for some fun. The bad news is they're bringing one cup. from 3/30/09

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - No, you misunderstood. I said "Go forth and conquer" last week. Stop comparing yourself to the first three guys who conked her. from 4/26/10

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Try to balance your need for attention with a clear concept of "acceptably bad" this week. There is a fine line between "fun" and "disgusting" public vomiting. from 3/2/09

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - It's back to core values for you this week: good friends, good family, and not stepping on midgets. from 3/9/09

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - How can you call yourself a Cataphract? You couldn't wield a kontos if Gallienus himself handed it to you personally along with your Lorica squamata. from 11/30/09

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Generally, people love your gregariousness, your overblown sense of entitlement and your six fingers on each hand. But this isn't a good week to flaunt them. Just trust me. from 6/8/09

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week, on the road of life, you will discover that the weasel does not, in fact, go "pop". It goes "squish". from 11/30/09

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week, brush up on your syllepses and against a hot stranger. from 12/28/09

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your problem is you have been looking for a life partner that shares your values, your interests and your intellect. But finding a retarded Satanist interested in soap manufacture is a tall order. from 12/7/09

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Be extra-sensitive this week to people who are less fortunate than you. Next week you can go back to pointing at them and laughing. from 1/25/10

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - There are very good reasons for the failure of your love life. I think carefully selected words will soften the blow here. Self-absorbed. High-maintenance. Drama-prone. OK, carefully selected hyphenated pairs of words. Reality-challenged. Horse-faced. from 2/22/10

Week 9/17/12

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Everything you do is blessed by the Goddess - which, of course, is such a more reasonable theology than the idea of God.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Let life happen this week. No wait - let's restate that. Beg life to happen this week.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You feel burdened by friendships this week. Now, it isn't necessarily a bad thing to crawl into a hole and nurture yourself with solace for a time, but it might be better to bury your friends in the hole and nurture the flowers with their decaying, burdensome flesh for eternity.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Working your whole life for wealth and fame is only going to leave you disappointed and sad. Of course, so is working your whole life for inner peace and tranquility, so pick your poison I guess.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You will be blessed with the ability to communicate with nature this week. Next week you'll be able to afford your prescription, so this little blessing will be over.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Despite your fervent prayers, you will not experience less troubles this week. You will experience fewer troubles. Less milk, fewer bottles of milk. Got it?

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You may think your fantasy football team looks like the best team in the league, but that's only on paper. This week it will experience severe locker room chemistry issues, and you will need to dig deep and come up with some really effective motivation techniques if you want to win.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Uproot your family this week and move to Ketchikan, Alaska. It's a hardscrabble life, yes, but a motherlode awaits you and your intrepid and independent American spirit. Oh, wait. Sorry. This is the Aries horoscope for the week of September 17, 1912. I hope I didn't accidentally give them yours for this week back then...

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Superstition will not serve you well this week - trust your astrologer on this.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Eat the world this week. I wish I meant that metaphorically. I was this close to finally beating Skyrim.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Peace and silence rule your star sign this week. So shut the fuck up.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - I know I usually tell you that the best choice is to follow your heart. But this week, let's just say you won't be able to. As it rides away in the cooler.

Week 9/10/12

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You would like to believe that you do what you do out of a sense of moral and ethical duty. But no one has a moral and ethical duty to eat their own ear wax, so it isn't entirely true.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - At the office this week you will find yourself heading projects, shouldering blame, facing criticism, mouthing obscenities and tonguing bosses.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - This week you will finally find something you excel at, unfortunately for your sister and her two pet monkeys.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You would do anything for love this week. Except maybe Meat Loaf. But just about anything else.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You can't run away from your problems this week, mostly because they will be angry grizzly bears.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Greet the day with a renewed sense of freedom this week - after you murder Pablo and Jacko and them, that is.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - An old friendship is rekindled this week, bringing long-lost joy and happiness. It's nobody you know, I just thought you might be interested anyway so you could wish them well and all.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - This week you will finally muster up the courage to free yourself from your emotional captivity and finally give me that blow job you promised.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Saturn is in retrograde and Jupiter is in some other dumb pseudo-astronomical nonsensical term. You know what this means - another major bend on love's infinite journey. Oops! No, no. Two juicy Quarter Pounders. That's what it means.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You are the king of all you survey - but if you call with your assinine survey during dinner hour I swear I'll be pissed.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week, there's no more god damn cheese.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - I could tell you what the stars say explicitly, but actually I think Shakespeare said it best when he said "You, my friend, are a gigantic asshole".

Week 9/3/12

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You will look like a moron losing a heated bar argument with that asshole Dave this week, when you incorrectly insist that the dung beetle is not named for an affinity for piles of shit, but that the name has some other origin. Just so you know. Fine, don't look it up beforehand. Insist away. See what happens. Moron.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Your boss doesn't want to hear about problems this week, Libra. Your boss wants to hear solutions. And sweet nothings. Sweet nothings would be nice also. But don't forget solutions.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - A friend will be bringing a case of beer over this week, just to hang out and enjoy the afternoon. At some point during the visit, stand up and punch him for no apparent reason. See how he reacts. It'll be hilarious.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You might be thinking you would really enjoy a trip down memory lane, but the residents there might get upset if you take that bag full of penises with you. Why do you even have that anyway?

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You can justify anything this week with one simple principle. The key is picking the right simple principle. Good luck.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your ideal mind-control cult leader this week is a Capricorn. If you happen to find yourself in the market for a new mind-control cult that is.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - The boy who cried wolf is coming over to your house this week to borrow some sugar. I know he just threw it at you and laughed the last two times, but he really really needs the sugar this time.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Know your limitations this week. There is only so much pounding on the locked cellar door that your fists can take.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - With Mercury rising in your fourth house this week, I would normally tell you to let your creative juices flow. But it's been too long since you last cleaned your creative juicer, and it's gone to rot.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Friends of friends can be dangerous to you this week. Friends of friends of friends may not be good either. Kevin Bacon will be just fine.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You will finally stop being the butt of all the office jokes this week. You will start being the ballsack of them.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Tell a lie with enough fact-that-you-are-running-for-vice-president behind it this week, and people just might believe you.

Week 8/27/12

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You alone determine the limits of your own success. Which means there's little hope for any at all.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - I have agonized over your horoscope all week this week. You see, the stars claim that you are poised for a professional triumph or something, but knowing you I simply don't agree, and I don't want to get your hopes up. But I also don't want to offend the stars. So, what to do?

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - This week you will be kidnapped, bound, gagged, beaten and raped. Aaaaand loving it.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Things are going to get a little out of control soon. It looks like you picked a bad week to stop reading horoscopes.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - This week I suggest you really prioritize the storage bill. Yes, eviction sucks, but you really don't want those items showing up on truTV's Storage Hunters.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Cleanliness is next to Godliness, yes, but please - for the love of God and all that's decent, don't try to perfect priority one before moving on to priority two.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - All of your wildest dreams will come true this week. Even the one about the one-eyed hatchet-wielding INS agents. And you are running as if through water but they are always right behind you. And you are in the country illegally even though you were born in San Dimas. And your mother is naked. Even that wildest dream.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - This week you will be unceremoniously kicked out of your one-man band. The worst part is the decision will be made in a private meeting and you will be informed via text.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week you will suddenly become aware of the exact day and hour that you will die. Then the warden will ask you what you want for your last meal.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You may feel unusually drawn toward sugary snacks and reality TV shows this week. That's your star sign telling you it's time to just give up trying.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - I am very excited. I have the most incredible, intense, real horoscope for you this week - it will literally change your life forever.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Fear, uncertainty and doubt rule your star sign this week. This calls for another glazed donut.

Week 8/20/12

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Kings and paupers alike admire your courage, bravery, and skill. But seriously, who gives a shit about what paupers think?

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You meet a tall dark stranger this week. Again. But since this one will be a homicidal jerk, your social anxiety will work in your favor this time.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week, bacon will make everything taste better.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Your list of great accomplishments will double in size this week, it's true, but only because you decided to go ahead and double-space it. I must say it does look cleaner that way.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - No matter what anybody else thinks or says, you are beautiful in every way. Except maybe looks.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - When they come for the Jews, don't worry about it. You're not a Jew. When they come for the gays, don't bother about that either. You aren't gay. But when they come for the evil robots... Run!

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - I'm sorry to report that you will lose your battle against Cancer this week. But you will win your battles against Scorpio and Aries, so you will end the week with 2 wins and 1 loss. That's not bad.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Kill two birds with one stone this week. Or just shoot them. Either way.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You will receive job offers from a genocidal war profiteer and a pie baker this week. Choose the pie baker's job. It pays a bit less but the great benefits - such as a fund-matched 401k, excellent affordable health and dental care, and not having to murder 9-year-olds in third world countries - more than make up for it. Plus the free pies...

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your experiment this week to try to live your everyday life without ever making use of anything invented by a Canadian will be a rousing success.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week, on your metaphorical flight to serenity and wellness, you will be stuck between two fat people. And the attendant will spill the window-seat guy's beer on your laptop. And a baby will be screaming bloody murder the whole way.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This is a bad week to harbor negative feelings about overly specific warnings and sportscaster Bob Costas.

Week 8/13/12

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You may disregard the therapist's claim that it was your overprotective mother that drove you to the creepy underground vampire society, but you can't deny you may have turned out differently if she hadn't made you sleep with her in her coffin every day.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Yes, I told you that if you gave him a chance you would not be disappointed. But you must admit that the word "disappointed" doesn't do your agony justice, so in a way I was right.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - This week you will once again pretend to understand the white-haired Asian guy on a Discovery channel show about quantum physics, and once again everyone will nod and say "wow" when you non-sensically half-explain the principles you again failed to grasp. Of course, Spock with a beard will inevitably come up, along with a cat that somehow is and is not dead.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - All your young adult life, you've been hearing from sex educators that condoms can break. They reiterate it constantly. And I can assure you it's absolutely true. All you have to do is reach down like you're adjusting things or something right before he's about to climax, and secretly nick it with one of your press-on nails. His thrusting will do the rest. It's bound to happen if you just keep trying.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - No one wants your hideous red couch with the semen stains. Take that Craig's List ad down already.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - I can confidently predict that very soon indeed you will read to the end of this sentence.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You are dealing with the realization that someday - and only the Lord knows the day or the time - you will have your last lap dance. You may already have. Scary, isn't it?

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Your day of reckoning is approaching. Now, you can handle it however you like, but I'm just saying, on my day of reckoning, I reckon I'll have pizza.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You will have greater success this week if, before you do anything at all, you go fall down a well.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Chance and divine providence combine for a miraculous event in your life this week, sort of the same way money and horoscopes combine for getting the rent paid.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - It is obvious to everyone that your biological clock is ticking loudly, but now you got the hot waiter at the diner wondering if you are actually ordering your eggs "ovaries-y".

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week you will run into a moderate Republican - and you will never stop hugging him.

Week 8/6/12

NOTE: "Your birthday this week" and "Famous <assholes/> born this week" have been discontinued, due to fuck.
NOTE 2: I'm baaaack....

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You may feel befuddled this week by things in your life spiraling out of control. After all, why should this week be any different from every other?

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Remember, as low as you may feel, you are no more unworthy than the next guy. No, no. Not that guy - he's a gem. You couldn't hold a candle to him. I meant the idiot next to him - the one wearing the "I'm with stupid" T-shirt and the tinfoil hat.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You are out of shape, strange, pathetic and arguably insane. But you are also dreadfully ugly, so all of those things are non-issues, really.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - When I said there are dogs that smell better than you, and then you said "Of course. They all do...", you obviously took it the wrong way. I wasn't referring to the sense of smell. Duh.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - The stars point to matrimony in your future. What is difficult to discern at this stage is if there is anything at all you can do to avoid it. I will keep you posted.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Give until it hurts this week - and not "hurts" like when a soccer player falls down after being lightly bumped into. More like when a real football player limps back to the huddle with his ankle bent backwards.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week you may start asking yourself what it's all about. Don't answer - it's a trap.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Back when I was a young man, about your age, I came to realize a few important truths. But they were just for Geminis like me. I got nothing for you. Sorry.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Things may seem out of hand right now, but it isn't true. I mean, look - you don't even have any things. How can they possibly be out of hand?

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Shadows of what's coming will flicker on your wall this week. You know, because it will be backlit by that annoying broken lamp across the street.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - If you are wondering whether to play the stock market or stick your head into a spinning bowl of knives this week, well, that sounds like a classic false dichotomy to me. I mean... you could conceivably vote for Romney.... No? The knife bowl then? All righty.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - This week you will finally realize that your beloved Tea Party was being duped all along by a pair of sneering rich brothers out to destroy the country for their own personal gain, and then pigs will fly out of my ass.

Week 8/30/10

Your birthday this week: Virgo! Virgos are retreating, blasphemous, neurotic hoseheads with a fondness for projectile vomiting at people they dislike. They are prone to fits of pique and serial animal rape, and are frequently caged for the delight of, and the derision by, the public. Keep hands and feel clear of the mouth when feeding. Some good career choices for a Virgo include Foley artist, Senator, sword maker, banana tallier, cantor, recluse and ferryman.

Famous Virgos born this week include Robert Goulet, L. Ron Hubbard, Ivana Trump, Ann Coulter, Bill O'Reilly, Courtney Love, Ozzy Osbourne, Dennis Moore, Rene Descartes, Sarah Palin and Rick Moranis.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your house is haunted and you smell like pork and Romaine lettuce. This is a good week to goad your father into killing your whole family.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You should have paid the extra ten dollars for stainless steel. Your sub-standard rings are causing a massive nipple infection as you read this.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Prepare for the robot uprising this week. You'll be too busy running soon.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Pay closer attention when ordering gifts on the internet, like teddy bears. Right now your 8 year old niece is opening your present, a teddy. Your brother is so going to kick your ass.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Several people want to kill you. Pack an extra handkerchief this week. There is a good chance your nose will be broken.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - That embarrassing flatulence problem can be controlled by diet. Try shoving a dryer sheet up your ass. Play the lottery on Wednesday.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Avoid the French, polar bears and politics this week. Consider taking up falconry to attract chicks. Metallica is writing a song about you.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Your doppleganger robbed a liquor store and killed 6 people last week. Don't be surprised when the police pay you a visit. Do not answer the door with a gun in your hand or on your person.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week, avoid being eaten or struck by lightening. You may be hit by a meteorite on Friday. You smell like Irwin Rommel.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You will be poisoned on Saturday, either by a coworker or a romantic rival. Stay near a hospital if possible. Get a fun tattoo!

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Do something about that back hair before apes start noticing you. Warming a melon in the microwave, putting a wig on it and drilling a hole does not constitute a date.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The world would be a nicer place without most of you around, mucking things up. Why don't you all just go live on some big, dumb island together and fuck off!

Week 8/9/10

Your birthday this week: Leo! You are the quiet, unassuming wallflower. This overt trait masks a deeper need to draw blood, strangle or circumcise. Some see the forest, others see the trees. You see a vast gray expanse with iridescent shapes of monsters and goblins dancing about, speaking a strange ancient language that you somehow understand, urging you to worship dark forces and evil gods. You are best suited for a position as a moyl, suffragette, barnstormer, astrologer, steel worker, cat detangler or motivational speaker.

Famous Leos born this week include Bjork, Martin Scorcese, Sting, Lassie, Peggy Fleming, Dennis Weaver, Lou Dobbs, Mary Stuart Masterson, Julia Roberts, Grover Cleveland and Seth MacFarland.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - That kid you stabbed three weeks ago will identify you on Wednesday. Traveling Northwest will increase your chances to escape police custody if you leave by 9:55am Monday morning.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Exploit a coworker this week. Count the number of shingles on your roof or how many blood relatives are in the mafia. Smell?

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Your neighbors hate you for good reason. Do not be surprised if you get your ass kicked this weekend. Fertilize your lawn and pot plants.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - All that money your parents wasted on your music lessons could have been used to pay the poor bastards who have to listen to you practice today. Start paying for your own drinks.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You might have a good idea this week, but it's doubtful. You're getting screwed on your cell phone plan.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - If you're not drinking your breakfast, you don't need Alcoholics Anonymous. Start sleeping with a knife under your pillow.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Don't worry, sex with vegetables does not count as cheating. Reorder your priorities, starting with your filthy bad habits.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Space Hebrews are communicating with you telepathically. Set your clock back two hours. There are prostitutes in your future.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Life is, in fact, imitating art. You should brush up on Hieronymus Bosch for a glimpse into your future.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Someone will try to kill you on Thursday and Friday. Stay alert. Try smuggling some drugs for cash if you're short this week.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - If you are a secret agent or bank clerk, avoid stuffing olives up your butt. Take up smoking and backpacking for recreation this weekend.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You can be a movie star! Just keep pumping all of your spare cash into acting lessons. Stock up on corn and raccoons.

Week 8/2/10

Your birthday this week: Leo! You are boisterous, petty, mean, addle-pated, ink-stained and preposterous. You lactate under stress and love the smell of your own farts. You are a fundamentalist Zoroastrian, but would also make an excellent Scientologist. Sex with you is an ordeal. Good career choices are bar bouncer, tommy-knocker, sociopath, briefcase or LARPer.

Famous Leos born this week include Conway Twitty, Mary Magdalene, The Plague, Anna Karenina, P. T. Barnum, Sigourney Weaver, Arlen Specter, Jeb Bush, Pink Floyd, Nancy Drew and Lief Erikson.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You don't have to put gravy on everything, you fat shit. This week is a good time to enter a contest or be raped by enraged baboons. Wear vampire teeth to church on Sunday.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - If you find some unlabeled pills, go ahead and take them. Badgers will not gnaw your intestines. Try filing your taxes under the name of a celbutard.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Practice safe sex on Thursday and Saturday. You've been using the word "prehensile" incorrectly; you should feel stupid.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - People think your accent if funny, and are afraid to ask where you are originally from. The Matrix series of films are a prophecy of the life of your grandson.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Pick up a suspicious-looking person at a bar this week, and go home with them. The sex will be incredible.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You're being watched because people think you are a pedophile. Your idea for a sitcom starring Amy Winehouse and Bob Newhart is prehensile; give it up. There is a dragon roosting in your back eaves.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Eat as many eggs as you can this week. You believe you are seeing ghosts, but you are actually insane.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You can try and have sex with a bear, but is it really a good idea? The milk in your refrigerator is spoiled.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Kanye West wants you and not in a good way. Take a bath in nacho cheese on Tuesday. Compliment your boss, brown nose his boss.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your nipples will catch fire. Most Taurii carry the irritating high-voiced midget gene, so bear this in mind if you decide to have children.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Anyone who ever told you that you are smart lied. Settle in for the life of an imbecile. Take up drinking vodka.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You are cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Travel to funny-smelling countries is a bad idea this week. Pee onto an electric fence, just for the sensation of it.

Week 7/26/10

Your birthday this week: Leo! You are a legend in your own mind. Left to your own devices, you should rise quickly to your unique level of incompetence. Typical career choices are auto re-possessor, corporate CEO, proctologist, bounty hunter, cryptozoologist and lecherous old man. People pretend to like you out of fear. You have no conscience. Those of you who didn't make the final cut are disgruntled employees or welfare frauds.

Famous Leos include Moses, Rudyard Kipling, Shaka Zulu, Lyndon Johnson, Chuang Tzu, Bill Gates, Random, Marco Polo, Oscar Wilde, Internet Memes and Nero.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Spend 33% of your next months income on lottery tickets Tuesday. If your children don't hate you now, be assured they some day will. Avoid woodland jaunts; bears have your number this week.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - People are getting tired of your incessant whining. Try coming your hair, just for a change. You may see a greased-up deaf guy on television.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Be careful at the beach. For some reason, you smell really good to great white sharks and sea gulls. You are under close observation by space aliens.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You may be sued this week. Save time, aggravation and money and go someplace from which you can't be extradited. You are smarter than the average bear.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Pretend you're a secret agent while grocery shopping. Avoid having scorpions in your pants and/or bra. Stop locking your car doors.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Be careful if camping is in your plans this week; some one will piss in your canteen. Start eating lots of dough nuts. A relative wants to kick you in the nuts.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Avoid "your mom" competitions, or you'll end up in the hospital. Emulate a Welsh accent at work, and a Danish accent at home. See what you can do about that nervous tic you've got.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Practice not being a dick in front of a mirror. You will have a religious experience this week, followed by a mile hemorrhoid flare-up. If you get pulled over by police, claim that you are possessed by demons.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Coyotes will eat your legs. Tell you're children that the Tooth Fairy is a Hells Angel, and will come to kick their asses if they put a tooth under their pillows. Tell your spouse it's a cost-cutting measure.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Those bongo drums most certainly do not make you seem cool. Take revenge on somebody by filling their car up with lizards. Consider staying indoors for the rest of your life.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You may be a werewolf. Avoid Chinese food, reality TV shows and quantum entanglement this week. For the love of all that is holy, will you clean that damned cat box?!

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Start sleeping with a gun under your pillow. Take a goat into church with you. Try writing an UnNews article..

Week 7/19/10

Your birthday this week: Cancer! You are popular with oiled-up white supremacists and teenagers drawn to vampirism . The latter is only a problem if you are also a sexual predator. Common careers for Cancers are helicopter pilot, translator, ontologist, inventor, square dance caller and scapegoat. You can be sneaky, arrogant and willful, but at the same time, tender. This confuses all the people you date.

Famous Cancers include Bruce Willis, Gary Coleman, Prince, Marilyn Monroe, Idiocrates, Confucius, The Muppets, Eva Braun, Salvidor Dali, Lizzy Borden and The Flying Nun.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Just because that nutjob lady told you that you're a cat whisperer doesn't mean you have any kind of gift or something. Stop watching all of those reality shows about ghost hunting, you're losing your grip.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your contractor is raping you for the new addition. Friday will be a good day to exact revenge. Drink two extra beers a day for the next 6 months.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - If you think you're so tough, get an anus tattoo. Warm up the shredder, you going to have a tax audit. Spend an odd hour at the tanning booths.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Hang out at track and field events, wearing a disguise and chain smoking cigarettes. Try something bizarre on your pizza this week, like muskrat and pine nuts.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Rinse, lather, repeat. A grizzly bear is following you. Find a connection and start using steroids to bulk up.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your dick is out. Don't worry so much about the length, you're average. No, those poisonous millipedes won't get you high.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Nervous about that big interview this week? Smoke a joint in the car, just before you go in. Your obsession for "Doctor Who" borders on the manic; get a life.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You are a marsupial. Really! Check your belly. Ladies, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Those people who tell you how cool you are, they're fucking with you. You should track them and kill them, slowly.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Classified documents will arrive in your mail this week. Turn them over to the government and make some new friends. It's a bad idea to inject hairspray into your spine.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Roll that old piece of dreck MGB-GT over a cliff and collect the insurance money. Give up your dreams of doing a self-autopsy. Try some meth this weekend and see if you get addicted.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - John Oliver from The Daily Show wants to interview you. You must be some kind of incredible fucktard.

Week 7/12/10

Your birthday this week: Cancer! Most of you are Chinese or Albanian. You've got dreadful table manners, loose bowels and like to watch "Family Guy". Most of your friends are invisible. You've got sexual conflicts concerning string cheese. There too much cadmium in your diet.

Famous Cancers include Richard Nixon, Ghandi, H. P. Lovecraft, Budweiser, Malcolm X, Ellen Degeneres, Metallica, Stephen Colbert, Queen Elizabeth, Snoopy and St. Augustine.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Problems this week will test your masculinity, especially if you're a woman. Go out and buy an extra spatula. You annoy people because you're tone deaf and color blind.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Try a career in multi-level marketing. Dervishes will annoy you on Friday. No, you can't get high smoking nutmeg.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Don't get pregnant this week, or your child will have a horrible genetic disease. Use your frequent flyer miles to track and kill an old enemy.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - God does not love you. Try doing something without relying on prayers to a sky god. People are talking about your jowls.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You will be arrested Tuesday. Charges will be dropped when the court realizes how stupid you are. There is a 34% chance you are Dutch.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Consider volcano insurance. Uncyclopedia is too good for you; try ED or Wikipedia. Mixed martial arts will get you killed.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - If your birthday is this week, you are a manipulative sociopath who looks like Lou Diamond Phillips. Those lights are swamp gas.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You are being stalked by athiests. Put your money where your mouth is. Your cat is pregnant.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - There's something rotten in Denmark. Rabid alpacas will try to rape you. Somebody charged a "glistening brown slave-boy" to your credit card.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - There are demons in your gall bladder. Become a Muslim for the week, and see how you like it. It's so hot, my brother-in-law, "stayed inside to soak his balls".

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - That smell in your attic had best be ignored. Cancel your sex vacation; the Thai police have your picture and are looking for you.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Go to a Taco Bell restaraunt and pretend to have a seizure. Those things you thought were hallucinations are real. Some of them can kill you.

Week 7/5/10

Your birthday this week: Cancer! Like the disease your sign is named for, everybody hates you, except for cold, clinical sciency types who want to dissect you and learn your secrets so that you may be killed... and serial killers. Owls find you an irresistible target for their poop. You should have a pet to love you, they don't judge unless abused. You're cheap, self-important, dim, obnoxious and probably are addicted to drugs.

Famous Cancers include Mickey Mouse, Larry Craig, Joan of Arc, Theodore Roosevelt, Ghengis Khan, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, Herpes, Lao Tzu, Lizzie Borden, Apples and Elijah Wood.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Americans, celebrate your patriotism with a milkshake enema. Others, show your disdain for Americans by grabbing your ankles in a very public place and shouting, "Come get me, ass pirates of the Caribbean!"

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You should really wash your hands after masturbating. Your flatulence is really more noticeable than you believe.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Cheerleaders with gut knives are stalking you. Avoid whitewater rafting and hijackers this week. Make a deal with a genie.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Don't kill any trespassing gnus, or you will have 2 years 2 months 8 days of bad luck. You look nothing like Roger Daltrey

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Wave a gun at a calling solicitor and see if they call the police. Try washing your hair with deer placentas. Your name is unpronouncable in Tibet.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Cover yourself in honey and meal worms; it's the new black. Insert section 4 ramshackle into lowrey joint B. Marry an emo this week.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Disco is coming back, so grow some hair on your head. Your aspirations of becoming a big-time corporate CEO are a tad unrealistic. Stick to pumping gas, or whatever it is you kids are doing these days.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Try giving yourself a swirly, just to see how it feels. A run for local office will go swimmingly this week. Your grammar sucks.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Nikolas Sarkozy wants to boink you, if you're a man. Get that itch checked. The people at work think you're speaking in tongues; get a speech therapist.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You look best in sweat pants. This week is a good time to torture small animals and read Shakespeare.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Beware cannibals this week. Get rid of the meth you've been hiding in the bathroom of you'll be busted this week.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Give it up, no college would have you, even DeVry. Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining. Write an Uncyclopedia article, you feel better.

Week 6/28/10

Your birthday this week: Cancer! Your sign is the Master Race of astrology. Cancers have very high opinions of themselves, and tend to be bitter, vengeful, spiteful, and rude. Loosen them up with a little liquor, though, and let the good times roll. These people tend to seek out powerful positions that allow them to do evil unnoticed. Common professions are janitor, Field Marshall of the Nazi Air Force, pressman, televangelist, and police officer.

Famous Cancers include Mitt Romney, Saddam Hussein, Nikolas Sarkozy, Arnold Palmer, Hannah Montana, Mae West, Lassie, Jesus Christ, Dick Cheney, Blues and Evelyn Waugh.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Politics and midgets packing guns should be avoided this week. Your syphilis is developing nicely; you'll be drooling and and trying to eat the phone book in eight years.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - For the sake of the way your face works, stop being such a dick. You're not smart enough to be a stripper. Glue a sea sponge to your forehead and call yourself Darla.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Avoid exploding gas mains and pirates this week. No, your friends don't think listening to jazz is cool. Someone in your family isn't a virgin anymore.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Watch out for storks, they're apt to fly up your ass. You will blow your nose off with fireworks. On the positive side, you'll be rid of that perennial sinus problem.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Eat lots of lobster, your mercury levels are low. Wait until your trip to Europe to copulate with goats; they're so sticky about that in the States. You look better when people have been drinking.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Repackage yourself as a supermodel with several eating disorders, and try to get onto a reality show. Lots of cocaine would help. Your hat is silly looking.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You're too nice to people. Hang out with some Leos and learn to be a dick. Your Hebrew is atrocious.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Start work on that novel you've been thinking about, and waste your time in ways other than reading Uncyclopedia articles. Inhale as much butane as you can this week.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Stop trying to eat withchopsticks, you're embarrassing yourself. Take all of your old socks and burn them in a graveyard. Look for opportunities this week to rudely inject yourself into conversations.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - The Ghost Busters are for real. Bring macaroni and cheese sushi to the pot luck dinner. People don't like eating with you because you make disgusting noises.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Change your name to something Arabic, if it isn't already, and take as many international flights as you can this week. Japanese people hate you. Lift something too heavy.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You're DNA is mutating. Try sneaking into a brothel and substituting lubes with Icy-Hot balm. You don't watch enough television.

Week 6/21/10

Your birthday this week: Cancer! In the old days, people would call you crabby. In the modern world of political correctness, you are called a dick. You're always in a bad mood, and nobody really likes you. If you've stumbled into a position of power by some miracle, you have no friends among the sycophants that rely on you for their positions. If you're not paranoid, you ought to be. Content yourself to live a life of irredeemable dickness, an insignificant, irritating little placeholder in human history. YOU LOVE FUCKING COLORING!

FUCK I LOVE COLORING!

Some famous Cancers are Joseph Goebbels, Joe Walsh, Ho Chi Minh, Henry David Thoreau, Robert Mugabe, Colonel Sanders, Yasser Arafat, Icarus, Cher, Monty Burns and Yuki Nagato.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Give your fellow employees a break and call in sick for the week. Slovenly is not a compliment; take the hint. Badgers and Frenchmen will attack you on Thursday. Prepare by carrying a taser and brass knuckles.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your spouse may be poisoning you. Avoid wobbly chairs and subways this week. There are some places where humans aren't supposed to have hair. Spend some time gazing at the full moon.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Careful when reaching into your mailbox this week. Pretend you are descended from royalty. Business will be slow, enjoy some porn.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Stay away from large angry dogs. An old friend will drop by and ask to borrow a significant sum. If you experience stroke symptoms, don't worry. It's actually a religious experience. Go with it.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - That smell is you. Do not tip your waiters this week. Act like you have millipedes in your pants at work. You can put off fixing the brakes on your car another week.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Push "press" to pull. People will find you sexy if you dress like a mime. See how many prunes you can eat in one hour.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Leisure suits are now out of fashion. If you meet a Finnish person, be evasive. If you are Finnish, bury some cassette tapes in the nearest churchyard to your home.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your cooking is awful, and potentially dangerous. Give it up and order some take out. Cultivate an appetite for Britcoms and people will think you're snooty. If you are a drug dealer or pimp, start running now.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Collect weekly urine samples for fun. You can neuter your dog for the price of a pair of pliers, but it won't be pretty. Avoid caviar and recluse spiders this week.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Plastic surgery will not fix your real problem. You've got 22 cats, for the love of Jesus! Your appendix will burst. Hang out in hospital waiting rooms this week.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Check your mail at odd hours, when nobody is looking. Try taking a wallet making class or pushing a friend over a cliff. There are tusks growing out of your face.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Sabotage a neighbors car. Do not buy a Renault or weasel this week. Your dark side is actually your good side. Feeling blue on Sunday? Go to Church and fart a lot.

Week 6/14/10

Your birthday this week: Gemini! Small dogs are irresistibly drawn to humping your leg. You are very good with your hands, and probably enjoy beekeeping, being a hillbilly, rocket engines, and serial killing. Your charisma combined with some diction lessons would make you a great cult leader. Sometimes you get strange ideas.

Famous Geminis in history include Ayn Rand', Dr. Rockzo, Utnapishtim, Mustaches, ', Iggy Pop, Guy Fawkes, Rumi, Liberace, the Universe and Richard Simmons.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Your normally boisterous personality will undergo a change during an acid flashback this week; keep your calendar open. The imaginary voices of you Gemini schizophrenics are talking behind your backs this week; do not trust them.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Pricks like you get away with everything. Well, not this week. You'll get yours, buddy. You just wait and see.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - When spelled sideways, your name is a palindrome. Go ahead and sell that guitar on E-bay; you'll never sound better than a retarded Bob Dylan impersonator with warts on his fingertips. Avoid establishments called Uncle Touchies Magic Funtime Basement.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - We've all had about enough of your whining. Now, suck it up and clean that cat box, as you are contractually obligated to. This week you will discover that you are a deep-cover sleeper-agent of the Illuminati.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Closeted gay Republicans are watching you. Did you know you can recycle your old fnords? Think about vacationing in Ohio this year.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Everything you know is wrong. Your liver is pretty much shot; why quit drinking now? There's no such thing as sober fun.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - As morons go, you're not the dimmest. Use this to your advantage and get into a management position. This is a good week for you to apply for welfare.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your hemorrhoids will act up. And by "act up", I mean you have never tasted exquisite pain yet. Your screams will be legendary.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - That chick was joking when she said you had a nice ass. It's more like a couple of rubbery eggs nailed to a telephone pole.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You're doing just fine self-medicating. Don't listen to those naysayers, trying to get you into a psychologists office. Those people want you to fail.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - The Devil has a hold of you. Get an exorcism before you hurt anybody. Someone will sign a restraining order against you.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your spelling is atrocious. We hope you use a spell-checker before submitting to Uncyclopedia. This week, take up drinking again.

Week 6/7/10

Your birthday this week: Gemini! Your solitary nature makes you an insufferable bitch and/or bastard. Check any coffee you didn't make yourself for pee. Geminis crave adoration, and will do petty much anything to get it.. You are well suited to such occupations as Emergency Medical Technician, condom tester, vice president of corporate douche-baggery, Classics professor, and situation reenactor. Your favorite band is the B-52s.

Famous Geminis in history include Joe Walsh, Nancy Reagan, Sun Tzu, Nero, John Wayne, Charles Manson, Lenin, Moses, the Beatles, Vlad the Impaler and Godzilla.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Hiding from your problems is your best strategy for this week. Drink, drug, screw, or whatever your way to oblivion, and damn the consequences. Don't forget to use a condom.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Think about public transportation; you drive like an asshole. Do not play networked games during a thunderstorm. Avoid universities and dry cleaners, or you may be kicked in the crotch.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - If you die this week, you'll be murdered in your sleep. Wildlife will stalk you, and possibly injure you. Don't buy any hard candy, bleach, .32 caliber pistols, water skis, organs for transplant, or sex until after July 4.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Save your plans to desecrate a church, synagogue, mosque or other religious building with your bodily fluids until Friday. No, you can't get feline AIDS from your chihuahua that humps all the neighborhood cats.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - That mustache will not make you popular, whether you're male or female. Strange, horrible sewer creatures are plotting to eat your children.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Stupidity and clumsiness will hinder your efforts to become a secret agent. There is no cow tipping in Heaven. If you have "casual Fridays" at your office, bring the corpse of your mortal enemy to work.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Try to act like you don't know aliens implanted a tracking device in your appendix. People think your family is weird. Sagittarius astrologers are wrong 67% of the time.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Black helicopters are surveilling you, but you can't see or hear them. Elvis Presley would have hated you, if he met you. Stop wiping your nose on the couch.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - A dark family secret will be revealed. Robots are living in the basement, so take precautions.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Your guardian angel is vacationing in the Azores. Stay home, drink and watch cartoons. Dirk Benedict wants to make a movie about your life.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Sure, you can talk to animals, but you're still crazy. Resist urges to pummel the Jehovah's Witnesses at the door.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - The hallucinations will be scary and frequent this week. Reschedule your drivers test. Dead people see you. Take up poetry or skeet shooting.