UnNews:Joanna Lumley's guide to avoiding rape

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

28 January 2013

THE POSH PART OF LONDON, England --

Hello, Joanna Lumley here.

If you're from the United States you might not know the name, but I was the blonde one in The Avengers and then I was the blonde one in Absolutely Fabulous:

Anyway, the important thing to know about me is that I am so posh I make the Queen sound like a slut.

I'm here today to share with you all some advice I have picked up over the years regarding avoiding rape. I am a very attractive woman, inside and out, and I have never once been penetrated against my will. Here are a few handy hints to ensure that you too enjoy a rape-free life.

1) Don't drink alcohol. Men associate a woman drinking alcohol with a loose attitude to other naughty practices, like smoking cigarettes and non-consensual buggery. If you wake up after a boozy night with a sore botty, you only have yourself to blame.

2) Don't look like trash. Men associate trashy women with ejaculation. Too much blusher, garish eye liner, or a short skirt is likely to bring out the rapist in even the most charming of chaps.

3) Don't be sick down your front. This subliminally reminds the lads around you of the possibility of making a filthy mess all over your chest with their custard sticks.

4) Don't break your heels. Limping is very attractive to men - it makes you look vulnerable to any inevitable sex attack, and reminds them of their ability to fuck you so hard you can't walk straight afterwards.

5) Don't stagger about in the wrong clothes at midnight. Midnight is the witching hour, when most rapes take place. If you have to be out at this time, make sure you are walking sensibly, and wearing your own clothes. Wearing, for example, your father's clothes, or a French maid's clothes, could lead to rape.

6) Don't be sick in the gutter in a silly dress. Men find a vomiting woman extremely sexy. Think about it - you are bent over, exposing your anus and vagina, your body is convulsing wildly, like a black girl in a pop video, your throat is wide open and processing bodily fluids, and you are quite literally in the gutter. This written description alone would be enough to give the average man a tingly willy.

7) Don't leave yourself with no money to get a taxi home. Not all taxi drivers are rapists, in the same way that not all truck drivers are serial killers. But nonetheless, if we banished every taxi driver from the face of the planet tomorrow, rapes would plummet. Don't get into a taxi if you don't have the fare. You might think it's perfectly acceptable to ask the driver to give you five minutes to pop indoors to get him the money, but - woman to woman - I think he has every right to make you suck him off there in the back seat.

Sources

• Leverage "Joanna Lumley is foolish for laying rape at drunken feet" Guardian, January 28, 2013