The Dogs
MR. PINK: "Like a Whore" is all about a man who digs a girl with a big dick. The whole song is a metaphor for big dicks.
MR. BLUE: No it's not. It's about a guy who is very vulnerable, and needs to be held by big strong arms.
JOE CABOT: (looking through an address book) Tobey Maguire.. who the fuck is Tobey Maguire?
MR. WHITE: (grabs the book out of his hand and pockets it) You're not getting this back until the plot says so.
MR. BROWN: Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
MR. ORANGE: How many dicks was that?
MR. BROWN: It's how many I've taken before.
[the fellas crack up]
JOE CABOT: Faggot.
[waitress comes over with the check]
WAITRESS: Can I get anybody more coffee?
MR. BROWN: Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
WAITRESS: Excuse me?
JOE CABOT: Faggot.
[Joe Cabot leaves the table to pay the meal, and tells the others to handle the tip]
MR. PINK: I don't tip. (everyone at the table applauds and everyone high-fives him)
JOE CABOT: Oh, when I come back, I want my book back.
MR. WHITE: Blow me.
MR. BROWN: Gladly.
JOE CABOT: Mr. Blonde, shoot this guy. Please!
[Mr. Blonde stands up and draws his handgun, empties entire magazine into Mr. Brown, the fellas crack up]
MR. WHITE: Let's go rob a jewelry store.
EVERYONE: (in unison) HELL YEAH!
THE WAREHOUSE
[Mr. Orange is laying in a warehouse, bleeding out profusely, Mr. White is pacing back and forth; screaming "YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY!!!"]
MR. WHITE: YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY!!! YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY!!! YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY!!! YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY!!! YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY!!!
[Mr. Pink storms into the warehouse, yelling]
MR. PINK: Was that a fucking set-up or what?
[Mr. Pink sees Mr. Orange laying on the floor]
MR. PINK: Oh fuck, Orange got tagged.
MR. WHITE: YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY!!! YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY!!!
MR. PINK: Where's Brown?
MR. WHITE: Are you fucking retarded? Did you not see him get filled full of lead?
MR. ORANGE: i'm a cop...
MR. WHITE: You really think we were set up?
MR. PINK: Do you even doubt it? Where did all of those marshals come from, huh? No marshals before, but after the alarm? They're there! You think a convoy of them just so happened to be strolling along the street?
MR. WHITE: Oh fuck. You think they got Mr. Black?
MR. PINK: I don't know what to fuckin' think right now.
MR. WHITE: Let's go into the other room.
[Mr. White and Mr. Pink leave Mr. Orange bleeding out alone]
MR. WHITE: (about Mr. Orange) He's fucked.
MR. PINK: FUCK!
MR. WHITE: Take a breather, splash some water on your face.
[Mr. Pink turns on a sink and nearly drowns splashing water on his face]
MR. WHITE: What happened with the Happy Meal? Did we fucking lose it?
MR. PINK: No, I managed to grab it and haul ass out of dodge. I stashed it.
MR. WHITE: Good man! How did you get out?
MR. PINK: I shot my way out, how do you think?
FLASHBACK TO EARLIER
PRESENT
[Mr. Blonde enters the room, eating a Happy Meal]
MR. WHITE: Is.. is that the Happy Meal we stole?
MR. BLONDE: Yep.
[Mr. White and Mr. Blonde start fighting]
MR. PINK: N******! N******! N******! N******!
[Mr. White and Mr. Blonde look at Mr. Pink in disbelief, Mr. Black walks into the room]
MR. BLACK: Motherfucking racist ass motherfucker!
[Mr. Pink points at Mr. Orange, stating that he said it]
MR. BLACK: Mothafucka!
[Mr. Black elbow-drops Mr. Orange, leaves the warehouse]
MR. BLONDE: What the fuck was that about?
ANOTHER FLASHBACK
[Everyone is gathered in a room, Joe Cabot assigns their aliases]
MR. PINK: Why do I get Mr. Pink? Isn't that a bit too close to Mr. Faggot?
MR. BROWN: Yeah, isn't Mr. Brown a little too close to Mr. Shit?
MR. BLACK: Isn't Mr. Black a little too close to Mr. N*****?
JOE CABOT: Yes to all of those.
MR. WHITE: Be quiet, Mr. Pink. It's just a name.
MR. PINK: Easy for you to say! You got a cool ass name.
MR. BLACK: Can I be Mr. Motherfucker?
YET ANOTHER FLASHBACK
[A random black guy and Mr. Orange/Freddy are talking in a McDonald's]
FREDDY: Finally got picked up by Nice Guy Eddie and met Joe and Mr. White.
BLACK GUY: Did you all get to talking?
FREDDY: Yeah.
BLACK GUY: What about?
FREDDY: Stuff.
[Black guy takes a big bite out of his burger and starts choking]
FLASHBACK
[Joe, Mr. Orange, Mr. White, and Nice Guy Eddie are all gathered at a table, Mr. Orange is telling them a fake story about a drug deal he did]
MR. ORANGE: So I meet this guy I'm supposed to sell to, but I gotta take a shit real bad. So I run to the men's room real quick, still with all the weed on me. I walk in, and four motherfuckin' marshals are standing right there, with a damn dog and everything. The dog starts barking his head off and the marshals are all staring at me. I get into the stalls they're standing in front of, then I just start ripping some crazy ass. The marshals are talking about an embezzlement scandal while I'm in there, and my ass ripping deafens their story. I must've ripped ass for a solid 15 seconds straight, followed by dead silence. I could feel them staring at my fuckin' stall, dog and all. Oh man, it got worse. I started spewing shit all over the toilet and walls. Hell, some even hit the roof and the marshals could obviously see it. I was wiping for what felt like an eternity, I finally left the stall completely covered in feces and walked past the marshals, shooting me daggers with a horrified look on their faces. The dog was whimpering. I washed my hands and got the fuck out of there.
ANOTHER FLASHBACK, BUT AFTER THE FAKE STORY
[Mr. Brown, Mr. White, and Mr. Orange are hauling ass in a car. Mr. Brown has survived the Mr. Blonde shooting is driving with a bullet in his head, he swerves the car into a parked truck.]
MR. WHITE: This is fucked!
MR. ORANGE: Hurry the fuck up, Brown!
[Mr. Brown gets out of the car and is obviously dazed and confused, and slowly jogs away. A cop car comes drifting around the corner and runs Mr. Brown over at high speeds.]
MR. WHITE: We gotta get the hell out of here!
[The two walk into a nearby road and stop a car, Mr. Black is driving it. They're all relieved.]
MR. BLACK: Am I glad I found you motherfuckers!
MR. ORANGE: What?
BANG
[Mr. Black gets extremely angry and shoots Mr. Orange in the stomach, speeds off.]
THIRTY MINUTES LATER
NICE GUY EDDIE: What the fuck happened here?
[Joe Cabot walks into the warehouse, Eddie draws his gun on him]
NICE GUY EDDIE: Are you out of your fuckin' mind?
JOE CABOT: The fuck are you doin'? Put the gun down, son.
[multiple gunshots, everyone is dead except Mr. Pink, Mr. White, and Mr. Orange, Mr. Pink runs out of the warehouse and is hit by another car]
MR. ORANGE: I'm a McDonald's employee... I'm sorry...
MR. WHITE: (crying and screaming)
[BANG - BLACK SCREEN]
Adam West • Biggie Cheese • Billy Mays • Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup • Blue Beetle • Bob Knight • Bruce Campbell • Bruce Lee • Charles Bronson • Chow Yun-fat • Christopher Walken • Chuck Norris • Clint Eastwood • Dirty Harry • Dolemite • Mr. Garrison • The Green Hornet • Jackie Chan • Jet Li • Joe Camel • Jack Dempsey • James Bevel • Jimmy Blackman • Jimmy Mozzarella • Juggernaut • Knight Rider • MacGyver • Manny Pacquiao • Martin Luther King, Jr. • Michael Biehn • Mike Tyson • The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit • Mohandas Gandhi • Mr. T • Notorious B.I.G. • Popeye • Qin Shi Huang • Quentin Tarantino • Rambo • Red Forman • Rick Astley • Sean Connery • Samuel L. Jackson • Shaft • Scott Aukerman • Steven Seagal • Tony Jaa • Wesley Snipes • Wonder Woman • Yogi Bear • Your Dad
