User:Bad Motherfucker/2023 Uncyclopedia embezzlement scandal
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This page has been vandalized by teh Willy on Wheels. | You cannot help Uncyclopedia. There is no hope now. |
| Uncyclopedians involved | |
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| Willy on wheels, Bad Motherfucker, Alula, MrX, Zombiebaron, Sapplerx, ARandomPage, Executive |
The 2023 Uncyclopedia embezzlement scandal is an ongoing scandal in which numerous Uncyclopedians have been involved in the embezzlement of Uncyclopedia's funds. Other crimes took place too, such as: money laundering, fraud, murder, and every financial crime to ever exist. The scandal first came to light when bureaucrats and admins noticed that a few pounds of gold had vanished from Uncyclopedia's extensive coffers. Don't let their report fool you though, they were the shotcallers in this and tried to pin it all on the regular users. While some thought that the money had gone to fund Cassandra and Cat the Colourful's symbolic funerals, the genii of Uncyclopedia teamed up, and eventually realized that the money had been embezzeled.
And so, the hunt begins...[edit | edit source]
As soon as this data came out, the league of genii began to panic. Although they initially promised to keep the data private, MrX fucked up when he attempted to symbolically contact Cassandra with a symbolic Ouija Board he bought at the symbolic grocery store. However, although he managed to contact Cassandra, Cassandra was extremely uncooperative, and it was found out that she symbolically did not appreciate the symbolic funeral. After this, Cassandra betrayed Uncyclopedia and told the despicable Wikipedophiles about the crisis at Uncyclopedia.
The Thanksgiving attack[edit | edit source]
On November 23rd, 2023, while Uncyclopedians were giving thanks and WikiLove to eachother, the Wikipedophiles attacked in an attempt to get revenge on us for Vandalize Wikipedia Day. By the end of the day, the Wikipedophiles had almost overtaken the building, however, they were stopped after being run over by a Willy on Wheels. Unfortunately, before this, they had fabricated various documents, and sent them to the feds using WohMi's computer.
Uncyclopedia headquarters raid[edit | edit source]
The day after the Thanksgiving attacks, United States Marshals raided the Uncyclopedia headquarters, where the operation was based at. Marshals forcefully entered the building and immediately subdued Executive, and started beating on him for no reason. Classic! Other Uncyclopedians inside the headquarters had a lengthy stand-off with the marshals. Just kidding, everyone was either arrested, killed, or beaten. Executive was interrogated for 15 hours straight, though he finally gave up after marshals threatened to delete his Uncyclopedia account. Executive gave a list of names involved in the scandal:
Trials[edit | edit source]
Due to financial issues, Uncyclopedians brought to court could not afford a lawyer, and instead public defender IdiosyncraticLawyer was assigned to every single Uncyclopedian brought to trial. The pressure of this drove him to suicide after the trials were over. The jury was mostly made up of Wikipedians. The Wikipedians had hired Ian Brandon Anderson, now that he had escaped from jail.
The People of Uncyclopedia vs. Willy on Wheels![edit | edit source]
Willy on Wheels! was the first to be put on trial for embezzling funds. Eventually, it was also discovered that Willy committed murder of several Wikipedophiles, almost leading to his conviction. However, he was saved after IdiosyncraticLawyer brought up that Willy was actually supposed to be an admin, and since wikipedophiles will blindly follow anything admins say, Willy was declared innocent. He is, supposedly, planning on suing Jimbo Wales for not giving him access to Wikipedia.
The People of Uncyclopedia vs. Bad Motherfucker[edit | edit source]
After Willy on wheels' trial, Bad Motherfucker was next. Facing multiple counts of fraud, embezzlement, and murder. During the murder portion of the trial, Bad Motherfucker was being accused of killing two Wikipedophiles. At the scene of the crime, his DNA was found in the scene, as well as a black glove covered in his DNA and fibers. Though when the evidence was brought to trial, the glove did not fit his hand and IdiosyncraticLawyer kept repeating a phrase; "If it doesn't fit, go eat shit fuckers." Bad Motherfucker was found not guilty of the murders, but was found guilty for multiple counts of fraud and embezzlement. He was sentenced to 32 years, 5 months, 19 days, 3 hours, 54 minutes, 28 seconds, 42 deciseconds, 4 centiseconds, and 58 milliseconds in prison.
The People of Uncyclopedia vs. Alula[edit | edit source]
Alula was one of the administrators involved in the failed cover-up of the scandal. Over one hundred counts of obstruction of justice and embezzlement. In what is one of the most notable moments of the trials, reacting to how many charges Alula was facing, IdiosyncraticLawyer had a mental breakdown in the courtroom. Screaming out and crying that he couldn't defend that many charges on one person. After 18 seconds of deliberation, the jury found Alula guilty. Not on fraud or embezzlement, but Alula was charged with the assassination of John F. Kennedy. Sentenced to death, Alula was beaten with rolling pins and fire extinguishers by court jesters until death, in the middle of the courtroom.
The People of Uncyclopedia vs. MrX[edit | edit source]
Widely thought to have been the kingpin of the operation, MrX was put on trial for murder, child labor, and, of course, embezzlement. IdiosyncraticLawyer was still having a mental breakdown when MrX was put on trial, so he was forced to defend himself. MrX managed to escape his murder accusations when he pointed out that the Willys automobile MrX used to kill Wikipedophiles with was actually sentient, making it merely encouragement.
However, this lead to the Wikipedophiles accusing him of using child labor, which he didn't get away with so easily. It was discovered that the Willys automobile was actually only 6 years old. MrX also nearly got convicted for embezzlement, but it was discovered that Cassandra had merely hacked MrX's bank account from the afterlife, and used it to steal money from Uncyclopedia's coffers to hold a lavish party at her symbolic funeral. While MrX was initially going to just get 7 years, 4 months, 1 week, 3 days, 5 hours, 9 minutes, 44 seconds, and 919 milliseconds in prison, it was eventually discovered MrX was impersonating Mr-ex777, another Uncyclopedia user. After IdiosyncraticLawyer got over his mental breakdown, he tried to point out that Mr-ex777 was symbolically dead, and symbolically appointed MrX in his place. Unfortunately, the Wikipedophiles were ahead of him. Mr-ex777 was merely hiding in an oversized ball pit in the basement, and, through the use of "advanced interrogation techniques" and Chinese penis torture, Mr-ex777 symbolically stated that MrX was not a symbolic replacement, and so, MrX received the worst punishment known to man: 81881 years, 9 months, 2 weeks, 6 days, 21 hours, 38 minutes, 18 seconds, and 499 milliseconds in prison without bail or parole, while being forced to watch Gacha Heat videos.
IdiosyncraticLawyer had one final trick: he pointed out that being forced to watch Gacha Heat videos for any amount of time would be cruel and unusual punishment, and would therefore violate the 8th amendment. However, Ian Brandon Anderson used his own trick against him, by saying, "If it's in Ohio, go eat shit fuckers", and then repeating that a variety of times. This lead to IdiosyncraticLawyer having another mental breakdown, and telling the wikipedophile jury to "Go to Euroipods.com for a free iPod" and "Eat shit fuckers" while MrX was being taken away. This would lead to IdiosyncraticLawyer himself being put on trial for scamming and defamation.
The People of Uncyclopedia vs. ARandomPage[edit | edit source]
Due to keeping things symbolically secret from most other users, ARandomPage's involvement in the scandal was rather detached from the rest of the scandal. ARandomPage has been rather inactive lately, for a reason that most would assume to be Page's laziness in doing stuff. However, this is incorrect, as it has recently been discovered that the true reason for Page's inactivity is that they were embezzling Uncyclopedia's funds for use in symbolically illegal purchasing of... strawberries. Why strawberries? It has to do with ARandomPage's symbolic status as "UnSignpost Everythinger".
In June 2022, Page had asked Cassandra if they could symbolically steal the UnSignpost. Cassandra agreed, on the condition that she be given 202 special strawberries by an unspecified date. By the start of 2023, Page had only obtained 180 out of the required 202 strawberries, and it had become clear that they'd be unable to obtain the 22 strawberries they were missing for a long time. Page then had the idea to resort to embezzling UnFunds to illegally purchase the 22 strawberries they needed, which worked for quite a while.
By the time Page had been caught, they were only one strawberry away from fulfilling Cassandra's condition. However, Page made an extremely unfortunate mistake, as the person they decided to ask for the 202nd strawberry... was Cassandra herself.
(What consequences are inflicted upon Page will be added later, as I have no idea what to do for that.)
The People of Uncyclopedia vs. Zombiebaron[edit | edit source]
Despite Zombiebaron's symbolic resignation as admin, the wikipedophiles were still suspicious of his involvement. Despite IdiosyncraticLawyer still crying in the corner, Zombiebaron managed to resist the wikipedophiles for around 20 minutes, before he symbolically bit several wikipedians, leading to him being restrained and later killed. The wikipedians have since become zombies, and are likely still roaming the streets of New York City to this day. Do not attempt to contact them. Ian Brandon Anderson was also bit, but Zombiebaron's teeth failed to pierce his immense amount of fat. Even though Zombiebaron was dead, Ian Brandon Anderson accused him of one of the worst crimes ever: Trolling. As Zombiebaron biting the wikipedophiles made him a damn, dirty, stupid troll, he was death sentenced to 20 years with no parole or bail, followed by 1982 years of prison. Ian also starting beating the shit out of Zombiebaron with a pocket knife for no reason at all.
The People of Uncyclopedia vs. Executive[edit | edit source]
Poor Executive was immediately sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole, and will spend every second in solitary confinement. IdiosyncraticLawyer was symbolically still crying in the courtroom and did absolutely nothing to defend Executive. A couple of hours into the trial, marshals stormed the court room and started symbolically pelting Executive with bricks and bottles for absolutely no reason.
The People of Uncyclopedia vs. IdiosyncraticLawyer[edit | edit source]
After representing all of the defendants, IdiosyncraticLawyer was up and was forced to represent himself in a court of law. When it was his turn to present, all he did was stare blankly into a wall, completely devoid of any soul and emotion. Representing everyone with little success drove him mad, and he only said a few words during his trial, "go eat shit fuckers." IdiosyncraticLawyer was lobotomized and locked in an outhouse until his sanity comes back. Which will never happen.
