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Burning down city hall and banging the mayor's wife
Fingering the president's wife
Placing banana peels on the top of stairs
Watching an elderly person struggle with opening a jar and saying "Allow me," only to tighten it even more
Throwing shit at people, like a monkey
Releasing a gorilla in a fake looking gorilla suit inside of a mall
Screaming "There's a hawk up my ass!"
Punting babies and small animals into tornados
Throwing hotdogs at the mall cop
Shooting wizards with shotguns
Rigging port-a-potties to explode
Pawning war medals
Assassinating the CEO of Skittles
Snorting three lines of gunpowder and eating a stick of deodorant
Robbing Fort Knox
Loudly struggling to open a Snickers bar in the Vatican
Torturing Colonel Sanders for the 11 secret herbs and spices
Why the fuck should I tell you?
Taping worms to myself and swallowing dirt
Naming my dick Notorious because it's B.I.G.
Having thirty sons named Chad
Sewing two hamsters together
Kidnapping baby monkeys and raising them
Disregarding bitches and acquiring currency
Getting stabbed to death by a man in a sombrero
Smoking a ridiculously huge cigar
Running over the cheerleaders
Hilariously chasing down a crying toddler with a lawnmower
Killing Private Ryan
Leaving goblins in the Denny's dumpsters
Pissing directly into a toaster
Stealing the Coca-Cola recipe
Watching a magician fuck up over and over again
Smuggling people into Italy for $20 dollars and a handjob
Destroying the Pyramids of Giza
Enslaving Bigfoot
Slowly weakening the glass at the world's largest aquarium
Stealing Tobuscus' online identity in a drawing game (This one is actually true, I was 10 years old, and it was actually in one of his videos)
Chugging lava lamps
Being Loud on the Western Front
Getting shot by Clint Eastwood while Morgan Freeman narrates it
Beating up Uncle Pep Pep
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay
Conquering Nevada
Having phone sex with the DMV operator
Running people over with a goddamn monster truck
Fastballing hamsters into woodchippers
Firing a motherfucking machine gun out of a motherfucking helicopter
Solving crimes with Jamaican Gandalf
Ass to mouth resuscitation
Cultivating a pepper so unbelievably hot that you shit your pants and kill your roommate
Things I've learned the hard way
Do not honk Ronald McDonald's nose
Things I've pondered about
Will He Bonk Ya In The Chocolate Blactory?
Is Abraham Lincoln allowed to say the n-word?
Words and quotes to live by
“
What I want in a woman is protection. Loyalty. Companionship. Friendship. Ferociousness. I want her to protect me, and have my back to the bitter end. If I have a fight, I want her to jump in, even if I’m winning, even if she’s ninety pounds. I like strong women – not necessarily a masculine woman – but say a woman who runs a CEO corporation, a woman with confidence. Massive confidence. And then I want to tattoo my name on her ass and dominate her sexually.
Where there is baseball, there is bound to be MILFs.
”
— Me
“
Lemme tell you what 'Like a Virgin' is about. It's all about this cooze who's a regular fuck machine, I'm talking morning, day, night, afternoon, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
First, take a big step back... and literally, FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! I don't know what kind of Uncyclopedia bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but all of Uncyclopedia is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you'd better think again! Otherwise I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down an un-godly fucking firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I'm talking scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP!
”
— Me
“
America is all about speed. Hot, nasty, badass speed.
”
— Eleanor Roosevelt
GAMBLE! GAMBLE! GAMBLE!
My list of prestigious and totally legit awards and accomplishments
Users on Uncyclopedia
Active
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Go eat shit fuckers!
