UnScripts:Quentin Tarantino's Teletubbies
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Starring
Samuel L. Jackson as Baby Sun
John Travolta as Po
Harvey Keitel as Laa-Laa
Tim Roth as Dipsy
Michael Madsen as Tinky Winky
Morgan Freeman as Narrator
Steve Buscemi as Noo-Noo
Various artists as the Voice Trumpets
Act I: The Motherfucking Beginning
[The Teletubbies are eating their custard breakfast]
LAA-LAA: How many pounds of custard are we talkin' here?
DIPSY: We're talking, like... at least 500 pounds of custard in that vault.
TINKY WINKY: No shit? That's a whole lot of fuckin' custard. That would do wonders for our business, man.
PO: You guys remember that motherfucker, Noo-Noo? Little vacuum thing? Baby Sun told me he's already got information regarding the joint.
TINKY WINKY: Noo-Noo? We worked with him once and I nearly fuckin' died cause of it, remember? His goddamn battery started overheating and he almost exploded! How can we be sure he's reliable for a job as big as this?
PO: Baby Sun has this new ultra-battery thing or some shit. Apparently it lasts a long ass time. Not only that, Baby Sun took him to the chop-shop and is fitting him with the battery and a cooling device. No bullshit this time around. He'll have his own weapon attachment and shit.
TINKY WINKY: Fuck yeah! What all do we know about the place?
PO: Like Dipsy said before, at least 500 pounds of some serious cuisine custard. A certain group of cops are held on stand-by just for a robbery. That's all they do. So expect some quick reaction times from the cops if we get detected. Other than that, we might just be fuckin' golden, Ponyboy.
LAA-LAA: Alright. Baby Sun will let us know of the plan at a later date. Be ready.
Act II: The Motherfucking Laa-Laa Situation
[Laa-Laa is hauling ass down an alleyway, with about 20 pounds of custard in his backpack. Two cops are chasing him, screaming.]
COP #1: Stop, motherfucker! I'll blow your fucking brains out!
[Laa-Laa looks behind him, and accidentally falls into an open manhole. He hits the bottom and struggles to move for a second, in severe pain. He also shits himself a little bit. Noo-Noo comes into the screen, and tries to help, but to little success, as he's a stupid little vacuum.]
LAA-LAA: Uggh... that fuckin' hurt, man...
[The two cops start climbing down into the manhole, Noo-Noo warns Laa-Laa. Laa-Laa's M16 is out of reach, so he grabs his handgun and shoots one of the cop's leg. The cop falls off of the ladder and Laa-Laa shoots the cop three times, killing him. Laa-Laa aims his gun back at the ladder, awaiting the second officer's arrival. Instead, Laa-Laa hears sirens that progressively get louder and closer.]
NOO-NOO: [Speaking in vacuum slurpy noises] Shit, we better move. Like, right fucking now!
[Laa-Laa struggles to get up, but eventually does. Noo-Noo guides him to a tunnel, and the pair enter it. After some walking, Laa-Laa has to rest for a minute, and calls timeout.]
LAA-LAA: I need to take a break... shit.. I'm out of breath...
NOO-NOO: [Speaking in vacuum slurpy noises] Don't get comfortable, we need to keep moving before we're thrown in the fuckin' can.
LAA-LAA: Yeah, yeah.... So, while we're here, tell me how you ended up down here.
NOO-NOO: [Speaking in vacuum slurpy noises] After the alarm went off, me and Po hauled ass, we cut through some alleyways but the cops ended up splitting us up. Last I saw of Po, he was heading up a fire escape. I kept hauling and ended up going undetected. But, the cops unintentionally and unknowingly had me surrounded. So, I slid down this fuckin' sewer grate that was open and ended up in this fuckin' sewer.
LAA-LAA: What about Tinky Winky and Dipsy? Baby Sun?
NOO-NOO: [Speaking in vacuum slurpy noises] Fuck if I know. Baby Sun fucking abandoned us. As soon as the alarm went off, me and Po took off for the van, like what we were all supposed to do. We went around the corner, but he was speeding off. Just fuckin' fucked, man.
LAA-LAA: Goddamnit... How the fuck are we gonna get out of this? My leg is fucked, and I.. wait.. no no no no! FUCK!
NOO-NOO: [Speaking in AGGRESSIVE vacuum slurpy noises] Hey, asshole! Keep your fuckin' voice down! What's wrong?
LAA-LAA: We left the goddamn backpack, man. Now it's probably being put in a fucking evidence bag with my prints on it. This is so fucked....
NOO-NOO: [Speaking in vacuum slurpy noises] Man, I feel like we're in Reservoir Cats, or whatever that movie is called. You know the one I'm talking about?
LAA-LAA: You talking about that one with Samuel Jackson and John Travolta?
NOO-NOO: [Annoyed vacuum slurpy noises] No, that's Plump Function.
Act III: The Motherfucking Po Situation
[Po is sprinting up a fire escape, onto a rooftop. Cops are taking pot shots at him, a bullet ricochets and grazes his cheek.]
PO: My fucking ass! Goddamnit!
[Po is jumping from roof to roof with the police following him, when he gets to the end of the line. Po turns around and stops dead in his tracks. Police shout at him to get down. He backs up near the edge with his hands raised. His foot slips off, but he manages to recover. Po looks down and sees a conveniently placed trash pile with a mattress on it.
PO: Heh, alright motherfucker... You got me.
[The police really did get him. He surrendered. You thought, though. Didn't you?]
Act IV: The Motherfucking Dipsy and Tinky Winky Situation
[Tinky Winky and Dipsy are in a high-speed police chase. Tinky Winky is driving, swerving in and out of traffic. Dipsy is leaned out of the window, firing at the pursuing police. Misirlou starts playing.
DIPSY: Goddamnit, keep it steady for a second!
TINKY WINKY: Oh my god! Why haven't I thought of that?! It's almost like I'm swerving through cars, you fuckin' idiot!
DIPSY: Fuck, I'm running low on ammo. Goddamnit! This is so fucked...
TINKY WINKY: What the fuck happened back there, man? Was that a fucking set up or what?
DIPSY: I don't fucking know. Let's just focus on getting the hell out of here.
TINKY WINKY: Did Baby Sun really fucking leave us? We've been working for him for fucking years! He's never dipped like that, fucking ever!
DIPSY: Why are we saying "fuck," so much?
TINKY WINKY: We're in a Tarantino flick, if we don't meet a certain cuss word quota, we're fired! It's either that or a 15 minute footjob. Not doing that again...
DIPSY: Shit, we're in a car. Let's hope it doesn't end like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill.
TINKY WINKY: Hey, isn't that Misirlou playing on the radio?
DIPSY: I think so. You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?
TINKY WINKY: Big Kahuna Burger?
DIPSY: Nope. Dumbass.
TINKY WINKY: Wait, speaking of quotas... Have we met the gore and sadistic violence quota, yet?
DIPSY: Come to think of it... No.
[Tinky Winky swerves into an oncoming semi. The car explodes and blood goes flying everywhere. Inside shot of a cop car, body parts rain down on it.]
Act V: The Motherfucking Baby Sun Situation
[Baby Sun pulls the van into a Big Kahuna Burger drive-thru. He whistles a happy tune.]
EMPLOYEE: Welcome to Big Kahu-
BABY SUN: Alright, let's cut the shit. I want a goddamn liter of cola and fifteen burgers, motherfucker.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, please calm down. That isn't ne-
BABY SUN: I want to speak with a manager.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, I am the manager.
BABY SUN: Go fuck ya'self.
EMPLOYEE: There's no need for that, sir. We unfortunately don't carry a liter for customers, we can defintely do fifteen burgers though.
[Baby Sun pulls out his handgun and nonchalantly starts waving it around]
BABY SUN: I want my goddamn liter of cola!
EMPLOYEE: Right away, sir.
BABY SUN: One more thing. Don't call me sir. That's gay.
[Some time passes, and Baby Sun receives his fifteen burgers and a liter of cola. He grabs the employee and drags him through the window and into the car.]
BABY SUN: This is just like Plump Function!
EMPLOYEE: What?
BABY SUN: Idiotsayswhat.
EMPLOYEE: Wh-what?
BABY SUN: Say what again! I dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker!
EMPLOYEE: Hey, that's from Palp Fixing!
BABY SUN: Goddamn right! You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?
EMPLOYEE: The metric system?
BABY SUN: No. They don't call it the metric system, you fucking half-wit. They call it something else because of the metric system, though.
Act VI: The Motherfucking Laa-Laa Situation, again
LAA-LAA: Hey, you mentioned Reservoir Cats earlier, right?
NOO-NOO: [Blunt vacuum slurpy noises] Yeah, I did.
LAA-LAA: Don't they end up shooting each other at the end?
NOO-NOO: [Blunt vacuum slurpy noises] Yeah, I think so.
LAA-LAA: This is like that, right?
NOO-NOO: [Vacuum slurpy noises intensify] No, we're not shooting each other.
[Laa-Laa empties his handgun into Noo-Noo, killing him]
The Motherfucking Epilogue
[Quentin Tarantino makes a quick cameo on screen. He sniffs a picture of Uma Thurman's feet. Then he says the n-word for no particular reason]
The Motherfucking End
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