Dick Willie Johnson
| |
|---|---|
 Johnson using a guitar he stole from Chuck Norris | |
| Born |
|
| Other names | DWJ, Big Gator |
| Occupation | Whatever he wants to be |
| Known for | Being a fucking badass |
| Notable work | Nice Rack (Bitch) |
Dick Willie Johnson is a legendary human being, with an outrageous amount of accolades under his belt, he is the spokesperson for the universe. Born in New Orleans, Louisiana on October 31, 1895.
His first sign of greatness came when he was at the age of 4, he noticed two people strumming on a guitar, curious, Johnson walked up to the men and asked if he could play some. The men allowed him to play, and what followed was the most beautiful music that ever came from a guitar, slapping your grandma with the best fucking riff you've ever heard. After the first riff, the guitar turned into shiny gold. The men were so starstruck they had a heart attack and shortly died. Johnson took the gold guitar with him, the most recognized symbol of Johnson.
At the age of 6, Johnson invented the blues music. His first song was called: "Nice Rack (Bitch)". This song soared in popularity and is widely regarded as the greatest song ever made.
Early life
Before his discovery of the guitar, Johnson would commonly explore the swamps of Louisiana, pioneering the sport known as Gator Wrasslin'. By the age of 3, he could outwrestle a fully sized male alligator with little trouble. He also had domesticated a giant alligator, whom he named "Chubbs". Johnson created the technique of catching gators deep in the swamp waters by using yourself as bait. Nobody but Johnson has mastered this technique. In fact, the state of Louisiana gave Johnson ownership of every swamp in Louisiana, relinquishing their own ownership. Johnson moved out of his parents house and constructed a shack in the swamps. Johnson built an enclosure for Chubbs, and frequently gave him great care.
One day, while feeding Chubbs, Johnson noticed a sharply dressed man watching him from a distance. Johnson walked towards the man and asked him what his deal was. The man told Johnson that he was Satan, and wanted to make a deal with Johnson for his soul. Johnson agreed, but only if he beats him in an arm wrestling match. Satan was quickly beaten by Johnson, and Johnson instead managed to somehow take Satan's soul.
Within the span of a year, Johnson had quickly became brilliant at everything. He was an insanely good chess prodigy and had fantastic skill in sports. Johnson also invented multiple different games, such as: checkers, baseball, hotdog eating, and frog jumping.
Creation of the blues
After his release of his song, Nice Rack (Bitch), Johnson quickly became famous in his hometown and known in other parts of the world.
Below is the other songs contained in Johnson's album:
- I Fucked Satan In His Ass
- Gator Wrasslin' Blues
- The Ballad of Dick Willie Johnson
Professional sports
By the age of 10, Johnson stood at a mighty 6'3, 290 pound man, who also rocked a badass handlebar moustache and afro. The first professional league he was drafted into was the MLB, by the Birmingham Niggers. Johnson was also drafted by the Miami Dolphins of the NFL, and the Detroit Pistons of the NBA.
He played in all three of these leagues at the same time, winning MVP in all of the leagues during his rookie season.
Birmingham Niggers
Johnson played as a two-way player for the Niggers, playing as shortstop and pitcher.
He made his debut on March 28, 1906, in which he pitched a perfect game and hit five grand-slams in all of his at-bats. After this game, Johnson was immediately inducted into the National Baseball Hall of Fame. He finished the rest of the season with the Niggers, batting a 1.000 and in every game pitched, he had pitched a perfect game.
In the postseason, the Niggers went undefeated and met their rivals, the Mississippi Albinos, in the World Series final. Johnson hit a walk-off inside-the-park home-run to win the game. Niggers announcer and commentator, Harry Doyle, screamed in excitement "Oh my god! The Niggers have done it! The Niggers have stolen the World Series from the Albinos! This is the seventh time the Niggers have stolen something from the whites this season, and that's not including bases! I have never seen this happen in the Niggers history!"
After his legendary season, Johnson gave a short speech talking about his experience, "Let me tell you guys, the Niggers are the best thing to ever happen to me, the Slave Shack is a fantastic field to play on. I love hearing the fans shout as we are all running the bases, "Run, Niggers, run!" I'll be a Nigger until I die."
Miami Dolphins
Johnson played quarterback and running back for the Dolphins. In his debut, he threw the ball upwards in the air towards the endzone, and sprinted towards it, catching it and scoring a touchdown. In a now legendary photograph, Johnson is seen doing a celebrating dance in the endzone. Johnson said: "The Niggers taught me that one, it's called the Cotton Picking Shuffle."
At the end of the season, he had amassed over a million rushing and passing yards. Johnson was made owner of the Miami Dolphins, changing the team name to the Cleveland Browns. Johnson stated "Maybe there will be a Browns-Nigger collaboration some day.
Detroit Pistons
Johnson played point guard for the Pistons, and broke every NBA record in his debut. In the very same game, Johnson initiated a huge brawl, which was later dubbed as the "Prequel to the Malice at the Palace". Having many brawls during his time with the Niggers, Johnson immediately stuck opposing player Shaquille O'Neal with a combo that would make Mike Tyson proud. O'Neal immediately started crying, and evidence suggests that he also shit and piss his pants.
After the brawl, there were 19 casualties and 4 deaths.
Military enlistment
Johnson decided to enlist into every U.S Military branch, and had a successful career in each branch. Johnson completed basic training for every branch in one day. The grind never stops. Due to his badassery, Johnson was allowed to keep his badass afro and handlebar moustache.
World War I
Johnson decided to deploy himself in the Eastern Front of World War I, where he would regularly ride Chubbs into battle while firing automatic weapons. This strategy proved to be very effective, as he was recorded as having 15,000 confirmed kills. Johnson was also an ace pilot, with 500 aircraft shot down. He customized his fighter plane to have the Birmingham Niggers logo on the side of his plane.
World War II
Johnson had a similar effectiveness in World War II. During the attack on Pearl Harbor, Johnson quickly constructed a device that would allow Chubbs to fly in the air. Johnson mounted a machine gun on Chubbs and took to the skies, successfully defending Pearl Harbor. After the attack, Johnson and Chubbs recieved the Medal of Honor. He was one of the Marines that raised the flag on Iwo Jima. Nearing the end of the war, Johnson rode Chubbs into the Fuhrerbunker, and Adolf Hitler was devoured by Chubbs.
President of the United States
After the war, Johnson decided to run for POTUS. The day after he announced his candidacy, he gained every American's vote and quickly won the election. He quickly added another national animal, adding the American alligator. Chubbs became the most recognized animal in the world. Johnson also bought a bison, naming it "Wooly Bully", and kept it in the presidential lawn.
During his presidency, he made the blues music the official music of the United States. After a few years of presidency, tension in Vietnam became batshit bonkers and the United States officially entered the war. Shortly after, the war ended because everybody was scared of what hell would be rained down upon them by Johnson and Chubbs.
Johnson also became friends with numerous amounts of people, such as Colonel Sanders, and the entire Jimmy family. During this time, Johnson declared war on the Vatican.
The Assault on Vatican City
Johnson mobilized every single military personnel and deployed them to the Vatican. What followed was a brutal, brutal assault on the small country. Italy decided to not intervene and allowed the U.S to decimate the pope's stomping grounds. The pope was seen cowering in a bush, and was promptly captured and fed to Chubbs.
The Vatican was turned into an entire distilling location for Jimmy Mozzarella's Mooncola, and is now one of the biggest distilling plants for Jimmy's industry.
Invention of ice cream
While sitting in the dugout at the Slave Shack, bothered by the Alabama heat, Johnson thought of ways he and his team could cool off after leaving the field. His first thought was to submerge himself and his teammates underneath the frozen Alaskan waters. He tested this with a dog, and it died.
Eventually, Johnson thought up of ice cream as we know it today, and started an ice cream empire. This started the long running ritual for the Niggers ball players to eat vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles before every game. Johnson established the first ice cream parlor ever, which was named "Dick's Cream", and was soon incorporated into the Slave Shack's concession stands. This was very well received, as the first game that introduced ice cream to the concessions, 90% of the concessions bought that day were ice cream. Johnson later remarked, "The Niggers and their supporters sure do love ice cream!"
Discovery of marijuana
During spring training for the Niggers, Johnson grew bored and wanted a way to alleviate the boredom. While playing in left field, Johnson looked at the fence and noticed an odd looking plant he'd never seen before. Remembering how people smoke tobacco, Johnson decided to go pick the plant with his fellow Niggers and rolled it up into what is now known as a "joint".
The Niggers cancelled the remaining practice and started smoking marijuana. Johnson was astonished at his discovery and used the opportunity to buy a few acres of land in Alabama and started growing reefer.
He soon harvested the marijuana and sold it to various companies and people. Johnson quickly became very, very wealthy after this and started a marijuana empire. Turns out, the government doesn't like people selling stuff underneath the table, and Johnson was arrested and sentenced to a month in jail. Johnson gave the guards at the jail some weed he had smuggled in and was shortly let go.
Johnson vs. Christ
Johnson was involved in a lawsuit with Jesus Christ, after Jesus argued that Johnson was not properly giving him credit and compensation for the marijuana. Jesus stated that he had created the plant and should have full ownership over it.
Murder of Jesus Christ
Johnson was outraged at this statement, and cut Jesus' arms and legs off, as well as his balls, and drifted him out to sea. Jesus's body was found washed up on the shores of Tahiti. God himself came down from heaven and was about to cast Johnson into eternal purgatory, but Johnson said that he was the one that took Satan's soul, and that he should be free of any punishment due to his neutering of Satan. God soon calmed down but demanded an apology, which Johnson obliged.
Ownership of the Birmingham Niggers
The owner of the Birmingham Niggers, Pecker Pete, announced that he was selling the team to Johnson.
Soon after this, Johnson made numerous improvements to the Slave Shack and the team in general, including a beautiful garden which laid outside of left field, which consisted of marijuana and cotton.
World Series win
After becoming the owner-player-coach of the team, the Niggers went undefeated in the regular season and yet again won the World Series. The Niggers now have the most World Series wins of all time and is widely regarded as being the greatest baseball team of all time.
Disappearance
Johnson was last seen at his swamp shack on his birthday. He was seen riding into the sunset with Chubbs and a golden guitar. While it's unknown what truly happened to Johnson, he's most likely went to another planet to conquer with his sweet guitar riffs.
Reported sightings
A man with a resemblance to Johnson was found dead floating in the swamps of Louisiana, due to being killed by a gator. Investigators quickly realized Johnson would never be overpowered by a gator and the man was later identified as Ricky Ticky Bobby Wobbin'.
On his 100th birthday, Johnson was reportedly spotted by local fishermen, flying over the swamp, they looked at it with binoculars and it looked like a giant alligator with a golden guitar strapped to it, with a man mounted on the alligator.
See also
