Charles "Lucky" Luciano
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 Mugshot of Luciano while he was incarcerated fawh pimpin' bitches. Yuh got me so fahr? | |
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| Other names | Lucky |
| Occupation | Mobster |
| Organization | De entire mafia |
| Known for | Being a famous Italian. |
Charles "Lucky" Luciano (Novembuh 24, 1897 - January 26, 1962) was a notawhious crime boss, bootlegguh and inventawh of Italy. He's a controversial figure, not due tuh his criminal activities, but whethuh or not he invented spaghetti and pasta. Ya' dig? Experts on Italians agree dat Luciano created de tasty foods. Right?
Early life[edit | edit source]
Luciano was bawhn on Novembuh 24, 1897 tuh Chef Boyardee and some random Greaser broad. Ya' dig? Accawhdin' tuh his fadder, Luciano's first wawhds were "Mama mia! Okay? I cooka da meatball! Okay?" At de age of 5, he started extawhtin' his classmates at school, and was arrested fawh de first time at de age of 7, on de criminal charge of attempted murduh. Luciano started his own gang, de "Wacky Wops", and started robbin' local businesses, murdered de mayawh, fucked his wife and burnt down city hall. Ya' dig?
Prohibition[edit | edit source]
Once Prohibishun started, Luciano saw an oppawhtunity and started bootleggin' alcohol throughout New Yawhk. Okay? Unfawhtunately fawh Luciano, while he was visitin' one of his stills, de place fuckin' exploded and a few Greaser bastards slashed his throat too. Ya' dig? Aftuh dis incident, he gained de nickname "Lucky", as an insult tuh what happened, as if a man would be "Lucky" tuh get his throat slashed and have his business explode. Right? Fuckin' assholes! Okay?
A month aftuh dis, Luciano was kidnapped by three greasers and was beaten, stabbed and had his throat slashed, again. Yuh got me so fahr? Dis left him wit' a gouhvy lazy eye and a shit load of scars. Yuh with me?
Aftuh realizin' how much people were desperate fawh alcohol, Luciano started producin' isopropyl alcohol and started givin' it tuh homeless people fawh ludicrous amounts of money, which dey bought and drank. Okay? De homeless people started tuh go blind and Luciano was rakin' in ovuh $12 million dollars a week from dis. Ya' dig? Luciano also had a little run-in wit' Al Capone, which resulted in Luciano slashin' his face wit' a katana, givin' Capone de nickname, "Holey Fuck, I Ain't Nevuh Seen A Face Dat Lacerated".
Rise to power[edit | edit source]
Luciano decided tuh kill fellow mobstuh, Joe Masseria, fawh no reason. Okay? While de two played cards, Luciano excused himself from de game tuh use de restroom, and at least 50 Italians rushed in and started openin' fire on Masseria. Yuh with me? Dis lasted fawh about 15 minutes until Luciano wawhked back into de room and started playin' cards wit' himself. Yuh got me so fahr? Aftuh goin' all in, Luciano had won a whoppin' $16 billion dollars in de card game and decided tuh buy de Mafia. Right?
Aftuh dis, Luciano decided tuh invent Italy and started tuh create spaghetti and pasta, as well as every Greaser dish yuh can tink of. Yuh with me? But, Luciano's fadder, Chef Boyardee, stated dat he was de one who invented spaghetti, not Luciano. Right? Dis pissed Luciano off and he promptly killed his dad and disposed of him in de Atlantic Ocean. Right? He shawhtly filed a patent and trademark and copyright on de spaghetti dish. Okay?
Creation of the Commission[edit | edit source]
Luciano grew bawhed one day and decided tuh create a government fawh de Mafia. Okay? Dis failed hawhrendously and ended up spawnin' a shit load of movies exposin' de Mafia fawh what it truly was, not an Greaser social club, but a massive crime syndicate. Right? De Commission is still around today, but is mostly known as de "Hollywood of de Mob".
Death and legacy[edit | edit source]
Luciano died of a radical heart attack at Naples Internashunal Airpawht, aftuh hearin' dat his flight would be delayed fawh 10 minutes. Right? Unknowingly tuh Luciano, a couple of wops followed him and planned tuh arrest him due tuh bein' Greaser.