New Kentuckian Republic War

The New Kentuckian Republic War was a war fought in 1972, between the Kentucky government and the New Kentuckian Republic, a organized crime group that started in 1965. The New Kentuckian Republic was led by Colonel Sanders, until his assassination in August 19, 1972, and was officially replaced by Abraham Lincoln shortly after. The war officially started on February 7, 1972 and ended on October 18, 1972.

Background

The governor of Kentucky, Strings McPickens, allowed the sale of alcohol in the state of Kentucky, which angered the NKR, as the NKR's main source of income was from bootlegging alcohol throughout Kentucky. Not only that, Strings McPickens publicly bashed the NKR, calling them "deadbeats", and "essentially low-level criminal scum". Colonel Sanders later publicly stated that Strings McPickens only allowed alcohol due to the fact he didn't want NKR in Kentucky, in an attempt to perceive Strings McPickens as an unfair loser.

During a public address, Strings stated, "Have you ever smelled that fuckin' guy? Jesus! He constantly smells like chicken, a greasy pig, and diabetes. Not only that, the NKR does not care for the citizens of Kentucky! They are a criminal organization that is trying to pose as a trustworthy group. They want your money, your belongings, and everything you own."

After hearing this statement, Colonel Sanders ordered the assassination of lieutenant governor, Dick Pound. Knowing the assassination would take place soon, Colonel Sanders made another public announcement, saying "I swear to fucking god, when I get my hands on that motherfuckin' wrinkled ballsack lookin' motherfucker, I'm going to crush his skull with my bare hands! Do you fucking here me, Strings?! Do you? Huh? Come on, I WILL EAT YOU ALIVE!"

Assassination of Dick Pound

Shortly after Sanders' public announcement, Dick Pound was shot and killed by Abraham Lincoln, on February 6, 1972. Pound's body was put on display in front of Strings' house. A coroner's report confirmed that Pound had been shot by at least two 50cal bullets, 43 9mm bullets, 17 bullet wounds by buckshot, and 184 7.62x39mm rounds.

Soon after, Strings McPickens declared war on the New Kentuckian Republic.

Declaration of War

On the morning of February 7, 1972, Strings McPickens publicly confirmed that they had declared war on the New Kentuckian Republic. Gasps of shock echoed through the crowd, the overall reception was met by mixed responses. Some were in favor of the NKR, and believed they were mistreated, while some ruled in the favor of Kentucky, stating that the NKR was ruining some people's lives.

Colonel Sanders' response

Colonel Sanders made a public statement to the newspaper, stating that he didn't want people getting killed for this, it should either be Sanders or Strings who should die, or surrender. So, Sanders' challenged Strings to a baseball match for the 10th of February, in hopes to settle this war before things got out of control. Strings accepted this proposition and drafting for the teams began the very next day.

New Kentuckian Republic vs. Commonwealth of Kentucky

On February 10, 1972, the baseball game was held. Both teams were allowed to have celebrities and baseball players, as well as members of their party.

New Kentuckian Republic lineup

Position	Name
SS	Colonel Sanders
RF	Jimmy Blackman
3B	Babe Ruth
2B	Joe Morgan
1B	Bill Cosby
LF	Dwyane Johnson
C	Abraham Lincoln
CF	Santa Claus
P	Mike Tyson

Commonwealth of Kentucky lineup

Position	Name
SS	Ronald McDonald
RF	Johnny Knoxville
3B	Steve-O
2B	Michael Jordan
1B	Dick Willie Johnson
LF	Mitch McConnell
C	Chad Buttermilk
CF	Strings McPickens
P	Walter White

Play-by-Play

First inning
Top:
C. Sanders grounds out to second.
J. Black hits a home run deep into left.
B. Ruth hits a double into right.
J. Morgan lines out to shortstop
B. Cosby strikes out swinging.

Bottom:
R. McDonald strikes out swinging.
J. Knoxville hits a triple deep into left.
Steve-O strikes out swinging.
M. Jordan lines out to third.

Score: NKR 1, KY 0

Second inning
Top:
D. Johnson hits a double deep into center.
A. Lincoln hits a home run deep into left. D. Johnson scores.
S. Claus strikes out swinging.
C. Sanders hits a single into center.
J. Black hits a double into center. C. Sanders advances to third.
B. Ruth grounds out to shortstop.
J. Morgan strikes out swinging.

Bottom:
D. Willie Johnson hits a homerun deep into left.
M. McConnell advances to first on a walk.
C. Buttermilk strikes out swinging.
S. McPickens hits a double deep into right, M. McConnell scores.
R. McDonald lines out to second.
J. Knoxville flies out to center.

Score: NKR 3, KY 2

Third inning
Top:
B. Cosby flies out to first.
D. Johnson gets to first on a walk.
A. Lincoln hits a double deep into center, D. Johnson advances to third.
S. Claus hits a single into center, A. Lincoln advances to third, D. Johnson scores.
C. Sanders strikes out looking.
J. Blackman hits a home run deep into left, A. Lincoln and S. Claus scores.
B. Ruth hits a double deep into center.
J. Morgan flies out to center.

Bottom:
Steve-O lines out to the pitcher.
M. Jordan strikes out swinging.
D. Willie Johnson hits a double deep into left.
M. McConnell grounds out to first.

Score: NKR 7, KY 2

Fourth inning
Top:
B. Cosby is out on a 6-3 play.
D. Johnson grounds out to third.
A. Lincoln hits a double deep into center.
S. Claus hits a single into left, A. Lincoln advances to third.
C. Sanders gets to first on a walk, S. Claus advances to second.
J. Blackman hits a grand-slam deep into left, A. Lincoln, S. Claus, and C. Sanders scores.
B. Ruth lines out to third.

Bottom:
C. Buttermilk hits a triple deep into center.
S. McPickens hits a single into left, C. Buttermilk scores.
R. McDonald grounds out to shortstop.
J. Knoxville hits a single into center, S. McPickens advances to second.
Steve-O grounds into a 6-4-3 double play.

Score: NKR 11, KY 3

Fifth inning
Top:
J. Morgan hits a triple deep into left
B. Cosby gets to first on a walk.
D. Johnson hits a double deep into center, J. Morgan scores, B. Cosby advances to third.
A. Lincoln flies out to right.
S. Claus strikes out swinging.
C. Sanders grounds out to third.

Bottom:
M. Jordan hits a home run deep into center.
D. Willie Johnson hits a single into center.
M. McConnell gets to first on a walk, D. Willie Johnson advances to second.
C. Buttermilk strikes out swinging.
S. McPickens flies out to left.
R. McDonald grounds out to first.

Score: NKR 12, KY 4

Sixth inning
Top:
J. Blackman hits a single into left.
B. Ruth hits a double into center, J. Blackman advances to third.
J. Morgan hits a home run deep into left, B. Ruth and J. Blackman score.
B. Cosby grounds out into third.
D. Johnson lines out to the pitcher.
A. Lincoln hits a double deep into left.
S. Claus hits a home run deep into center, A. Lincoln scores.
C. Sanders flies out to second.

Bottom:
J. Knoxville hits a single into left.
Steve-O hits a single into center, J. Knoxville advances to second.
M. Jordan grounds out to short.
D. Willie Johnson hits a home run deep into left, J. Knoxville and Steve-O score.
M. McConnell strikes out swinging.
C. Buttermilk lines out to third.

Score: NKR 17, KY 7

Seventh inning
Top:
J. Blackman grounds out to second.
B. Ruth hits a single into right.
J. Morgan grounds out to third.
B. Cosby hits a double deep into center, B. Ruth advances to third.
D. Johnson lines out to third.

Bottom:
S. McPickens strikes out swinging.
R. McDonald hits a double deep into center.
J. Knoxville grounds out to third.
Steve-O lines out to short.

Score: NKR 17, KY 7

Eighth inning
Top:
A. Lincoln strikes out swinging.
S. Claus hits a single into left.
C. Sanders hits a home run deep into center, S. Claus scores.
J. Blackman grounds out to third.
B. Ruth flies out to right.

Bottom:
M. Jordan gets to first on a walk.
D. Willie Johnson hits a triple deep into right.
M. McConnell hits a single into left, D. Willie Johnson scores.
C. Buttermilk strikes out swinging.
S. McPickens hits into a 6-4-3 double play.

Score: NKR 19, KY 8

Ninth inning
Top:
J. Morgan strikes out swinging.
B. Cosby hits a double deep into left.
D. Johnson hits a single into center, B. Cosby advances to third.
A. Lincoln hits a home run deep into left, D. Johnson and B. Cosby score.
S. Claus hits a home run deep into left.
C. Sanders hits a home run deep into center.
J. Blackman strikes out swinging.
B. Ruth strikes out swinging.

Bottom:
R. McDonald lines out to first.
J. Knoxville flies out to center.
Steve-O strikes out swinging.

Final Score: NKR 24, KY 8

Team	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	H	R	E
New Kentuckian Republic	1	2	4	4	1	5	0	2	5	32	24	0
Commonwealth of Kentucky	0	2	0	1	1	3	0	1	0	14	8	0

Public reaction

After a dominating performance by the NKR, the Commonwealth of Kentucky was shunned by the public, and Kentucky's pitcher, Walter White, was blamed heavily for the blowout loss. Subsequently, White was brutally beaten by the Kentucky fans, putting him in critical condition. On the other hand, most players on the NKR team was heavily praised, and some were even offered MLB contracts. Ronald McDonald accepted a contract from the Boston Red Sox.

Strings McPickens was perceived as a sore loser, as he started throwing a temper tantrum on the field after he disagreed on a call made by the first base umpire.

The loss was so brutal and inconceivable, the Commonwealth of Kentucky became the bad guys in the eyes of the public, while the NKR became the heroes. In fact, most Southern counties in Kentucky were on the side of the NKR, while the Northern counties were on the side of the Commonwealth.

Preparation for war

Strings McPickens denied Colonel Sanders' request to end the war after the game, but McPickens was so salty, he started mobilizing the National Guard to attack the NKR headquarters in Edmonton, Kentucky. In retaliation, Sanders punched McPickens in the face, really fuckin' hard too, and started mobilizing his members in anticipation of an attack. Sanders fortified the hell out of Edmonton, preparing for a defensive position in the main headquarters. Somehow, the NKR got access to tanks and military weapons, and Sanders stationed several tanks and armored vehicles in Edmonton.

Assault on Edmonton

On February 13, 1972, the Commonwealth started an assault on Edmonton, the Commonwealth sent in the first tanks, with infantry coming up behind it, as well as helicopter support. The first casualty was NRK member, Seth Rogen. He was shot with a tank rocket while walking around on patrol. The tank rocket was fired at 4:17 AM, which marked the beginning of one of the bloodiest battles in United States history.

Soon after this, Colonel Sanders sounded the alarms, which started blasting throughout Edmonton, signaling an attack is in progress. Colonel Sanders ordered his men in different positions throughout Edmonton. A semi-truck plowed through the gates at the town square, on fire while playing, "Highway to Hell". Sanders open fire on the semi-truck with a MG42, which caused it to explode within 5 seconds. A skeleton could be seen flying throughout the windshield with Evel Knievel style clothes.

In retaliation for the baseball game, Strings McPickens loaded tank cannons and regular cannons with baseballs, launching them at the town hall. After seeing this, Colonel Sanders ran out with a Louisville Slugger, standing in front of the tanks and cannons, swinging the bat at the baseballs, which he smashed literally out of the atmosphere. This continued for about 15 minutes, with Sanders hitting over 1,000 home runs. Strings McPickens eventually got pissed off at this and eventually put an actual rocket instead of a baseball in the tank cannon. The rocket was launched at Sanders, which he swung at, and in turn embedded the rocket in the Louisville Slugger. Sanders threw the bat at the tank which caused the rocket embedded inside it to explode. The tank almost destroyed and was on fire. McPickens jumped out of the tank and was promptly drilled in the back of the head by a 102 mph fastball thrown by Colonel Sanders. McPickens was immediately knocked unconscious, and Sanders attempted to kidnap McPickens before he was shot at by the Commonwealth. Sanders hauled ass back inside the town hall and after defending the town square for several hours, the Commonwealth eventually retreated.

Kidnapping of Abraham Lincoln

Sometime during the assault, Lincoln was kidnapped by the Commonwealth and was held ransom. Reports say that Lincoln was brutally tortured by the Commonwealth, in which Lincoln was tickled by a feather on the feet, and he was also used as a punching bag for Earnie Shavers.

A ransom note was sent to Sanders' office, which had terrible spelling and grammar. In the note, McPickens requested 15 doubloons and an apology. Sanders scoffed at the note and wiped his ass with it, and sent it back to McPickens, with a giant skid mark in the middle of it. Sanders was amused by his joke so much, he reportedly laughed himself to death and had to be resuscitated by paramedics.

Lincoln escapes

Late in the night, Lincoln managed to break out of his restraints and escaped into the wilderness. Hungry, dehydrated, and weak, Lincoln collapsed after making it about 3 miles into the Kentucky wilderness. Lincoln was nursed back to life by a black bear, and after about two weeks, Lincoln came back to the NKR headquarters in Edmonton.

Assassination of Colonel Sanders

McPickens set up a trap that involved a box, string, a stick, fried chicken, and dynamite. McPickens led the fried chicken into the box, which was held up by a stick, and when pulled by a string, would collapse the box and ignite the dynamite.

Late at night, on August 19, 1972, Colonel Sanders picked up the scent of fried chicken and started scrambling towards the box. Once Sanders was in the box gnawing on the chicken, McPickens pulled the string and after about three seconds, Sanders was blown to smithereens.

Aftermath

After hearing about Sanders' death, Abraham Lincoln was made leader of NRK and took some time to mourn the loss. On October 10, 1972, Lincoln launched an all out attack on the Commonwealth, using some nuclear warfare. Sweet, sweet, justice.

End of war

On October 18, 1972, Strings McPickens officially surrendered to the NRK after nearly a year of brutal fighting. McPickens gave a speech in which he announced the surrender, and also included racial slurs and crude language, and some rude things about Sanders' mother. After the gatherers at the speech witnessed McPickens yet again be a sore loser, the mob of people grew angry and started throwing tomatoes at McPickens. Enraged, McPickens elbow dropped into the crowd and was quickly eaten and devoured by the angry mob.