The House of The Boston Hurricane Guy, Esquire

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stuff nobody cares about

This user is a fan of the Boston Bruins This user is a fan of the Boston Red Sox This user is a fan of the New England Patriots This user is a fan of the Boston Celtics This usah is a wicked pissah Bwohsthnian. GO SAWKS!!! YANKEES SUCK! This user is an Uncyclopedia Marshal. All ye vandals, fear this user, for they are a knight that fights for the glory of the Empire! This user is a member of the Uncyclopedia Hurricane Center. This user wants to be an administrator, but will almost certainly never be one. This user has escaped from Ojai. This user has made it to Ketchikan. Congratulations, Turb0-Sunrise! You're fan fave in season 👞 of Uncyclopedia Survivor! Number of edits: 3,850 This user has been blocked 3 times. This user prides himself from wasting enough time editing here to become an extended confirmed user. This user is American …and unabashedly proud of it! (List of American Uncyclopedians) This user has been on Uncyclopedia for 2 months and 23 days. ♂ This user is a boy and is made of trucks, trains, and airplanes. ♂ This user has beaten level 10 of Spinny Links. ah N This user is a native speaker of Asshat. ah N du P This fucker speaks Dumbass heavily laced with profanity that would make a fucking asshole sailor blush from all the g*******d blasphemy. du P fh A Yah meeht nawt beh abble tew undersvand zis usehr behkuz zey zpeek Fuckhead whif und estreemleh theuck akzent. fh A sa P This fucker speaks Sarcasm heavily laced with profanity that would make a fucking asshole sailor blush from all the g*******d blasphemy. sa P

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The truth

Commander of the Order

Quote to live by: "Don't jiggle your imitation fake vomit."

King of the Retards

Presented to the one who has truly mastered the sacred arts of digital stupidity.

In recognition of your
meme magic,
unrelenting dumbassocrity, and
complete disregard for conventional internet behavior,
you are hereby declared the King of the Retards.

I'm wanking material, according to this

I exist. Apparently, I'm the physical embodiment of New England. Call me Turbs, Turbo, Turb0, Sunrise, or "You. Yeah, you. That assfuck in the corner." I was browsing around for a few months before making any edits, and i only made about 20 edits before creating my account. Apparently Alula hates me for some reason.

i kinda play the ukulele,^{[big fat greek lie]} know way too much about the White Mountains in New Hampshire, and should be treated worse than you because of this. I think I coined the phrase "added a funny"

• UNCYCLOPEDIAN PASSPORT • Passport Card no. 4.252.99.182 Name = Turb0 J. Sunrise Nationality = Bostonian This is a valid Uncyclopedian Passport granting the holder passage to any country; excepting Canada, the United States, England, or any other country in which anyone would actually want to live.

Please don't joke block or ban me for longer than 30 seconds, if you do, you will be unable to outrun the grues I keep locked in my closet.

UnMood
[purge]	[edit]

Turb0's Great ol' Sack of Perverted Bullshittery^TM (and why it's Perverted Bullshittery)

Wally the Green Monster (short, needs work)

Hamsters (FEATURED)

Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority (decent, but short)

Surprisium (fuck you.)

This (I had the idea, OPOSSUM did some template bullshit to make it work)

HowTo:Burn Your Friend's House Down (FEATURED)

Road Rage (FEATURED)

I've also made most of UnGames:Go to Fenway, and came up with the idea and created some of UnGames:Onwards to Boston.

I survived the Suicide Bomber game, and you didn't!

Funny stuff i found on this site

Pics I've uploaded

Coming Soon to Uncycloland^[sic]

UnNews:Yankees Suck

Stuff I've Done

Nommed A Splode and Boston for FA status

Punted a baby off a cliff

Fistbumped Chuck Norris' third fist

Outpizza'd the Hut

Outjabba'd the Hutt

Built this city on rock and roll

Fucked on, not off

Spartan-kicked Taylor Swift off a bridge

My Favorite quotes from this site

“Scientifically speaking, murder is defined as extroverted suicide.”

~ Uncyclopedia on Murder

“Piss battle unlocked!”

~ Me on the urinals at Fenway Park

“I was thinking... pool noodles are some of the most multi-purpose devices on earth. You can use them as swords, cannons, and boats.”

~ OPOSSUM on Pool Noodles

We built this city

We built this city on rock and roll

Built this city

We built this city on rock and rooolll

Say you don't know me

Or recognise my face

Say you don't care if it goes

To that kind of place

Knee deep in the hooplah

Sinking in your fight

Too many runaways

Eating up the night

Marconi plays the mamba

Listen to the radio

Don't you remember

We built this city

We built this city on rock and roll

We built this city

We built this city on rock and roll

Built this city

We built this city on rock and roll

Someone always playing

Corporation games

Who cares, they're always changing

Corporation names

We just have to dance here

Someone stole the stage

They call us irresponsible

Write us off the page

Marconi plays the mamba

Listen to the radio

Don't you remember

We built this city

We built this city on rock and roll

We built this city

We built this city on rock and roll

Built this city

We built this city on rock and roll

It's just another Sunday

In a tired old street

Police have got the chokehold

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHhh

And we just lost the beat

Who counts the money

Underneath the bar

Who rides the wrecking ball

Into our guitars

Don't tell us you need us

Cause we're the simple fools

Looking for America

Coming through your schools

(Lookin out over that Golden Gate Bridge on another sunny Saturday, not seeing that bumper to bumpper traffic)

Don't you remember (remember, member)

(It's your favorite radio station, your favorite radio city, the city that rocks, the city that never sleeps)

Marconi plays the mamba

Listen to the radio

Don't you remember

We built this city

We built this city on rock and roll

We built this city

We built this city on rock and roll

Built this city

We built this city on rock and roll

Built this city (we built, we built this city, yeah) We built this city (we built this city)

Built this city (we built, we built this city, yeah) We built this city (we built this city)

In season 12, ep. 13 of Family Guy, the map at 09:21 is missing New Hampshire and Maine, proving these states do not exist.

I like yelling at New Yorkers, hiking, being a dumbass, cheeseburgers, lighting stuff on fire, being a dumbass, anything Boston, being a dumbass, and being a dumbass.

Did i mention being a dumbass?

awesome stuff

YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! LETS GO RED SOX!

I have one game-used ball and one practice ball from Fenway Park (to be updated whenever)^{[you sure about that?]}

The IP's Ode to Albecarkeys

found in a vandalism edit to Albuquerque

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy

Living in a box under the stairs

In the corner of the basement of the house

Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop

You know the place

Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning

My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Daww, big bowl of sauerkraut

Every single morning

It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom

I said "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?"

And my dear, sweet mother

She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train

And she leaned right down next to me

And she said "It's good for you"

And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth

And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut

Until I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday

Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place

Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer

And the towels are oh so fluffy

Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long

And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doo-doo yeah

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true

Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest

To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt

I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize

That's right, a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Oh yeah

You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before

And I gotta tell ya, it was really great

Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women

With excruciatingly severe body odor

And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time

The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts

And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore

And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out

And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside

And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died

Except for me

You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha

Ah ha ha

Ah

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage

I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days

Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag

And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball

And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel

But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn

Where the towels are oh so fluffy

And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna

It's OK, they're clean

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C

And I turned on the SpectraVision

And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow

That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?

I say "Who is it?"

No answer

"Who is it?"

There's no answer

"Who is it?"

They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected

It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril

Oh man, I hate it when I'm right

So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel

And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"

"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"

And he's like "Tough"

And I'm like "Give it"

And he's like "Make me"

And I'm like "'Kay"

So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus

And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows

And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation

Yes indeed, you better believe it

And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook

And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice

And you know what it said?

I'll tell you what it said

It said

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"

"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"

"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

In Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel

But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest

I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice

But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donuts shop

And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter

And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"

I said "You got any glazed donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"

I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"

I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"

I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"

He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"

I said "You got any apple fritters?"

He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"

I said "You got any bear claws?"

He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"

"No, we're outta bear claws"

I said "Well, in that case, in that case, what do you have?"

He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"

I said "OK, I'll take that"

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out

And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over

Oh man, they were just going nuts

They were tearin' me apart

You know, I think it was just about that time

That a little ditty started goin' through my head

I believe it went a little something like this

Doh

Get 'em off me

Get 'em off me

Oh

No, get 'em off, get 'em off

Oh, oh God, oh God

Oh, get 'em off me

Oh, oh God

Ah, aah, aah

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face

Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'

Like a constipated wiener dog

And as luck would have it

That's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams

Her name was Zelda

She was a calligraphy enthusiast

With a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches

I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me

She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"

That's when I knew it was true love

We were inseparable after that

Aw, we ate together, we bathed together

We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss

The world was our burrito

So we got married and we bought us a house

And had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly

Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me

She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"

I said "Whoa, hold on now, baby"

"I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment"

So we broke up and I never saw her again

But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me

Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream

That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler

I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face

Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that

I was gettin' a lot of attitude

Ok, like one time, I was out in the parking lot

Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil

When I see this guy Marty

Tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself

So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"

And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes

"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me

He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"

Well, that's just great

How was I supposed to know that?

I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud

Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname, Torso-Boy

So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote

This guy comes up to me on the street

And he tells he hasn't had a bite in three days

Well, I knew what he meant

But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein

And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over

And I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?"

But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming

You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation

Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?

Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK

Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it

But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I hate sauerkraut

That's all I'm really tryin' to say

And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up

And find yourself in an existential quandary

Full of loathing and self-doubt

And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence

At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that

Somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours

There's still a little place called

Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

I said "A" (A)

"L" (L)

"B" (B)

"U" (U)

"Querque" (querque)

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque