This article was one of the Top 10 articles of 2015

User:Zana Dark

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

User:Zana Dark


Welcome to Uncyclopedia!

This ain't your daddy's Wikipedia — ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO ME... ~ Zana Dark Scribble.gif



















Blue Wombat.png

Articles I've Written, Largely Contributed to, and/or Maintain:

Most Recent:
UnBooks, UnPoetia, UnNews, HowTo, Etc:
Official Stuff

Articles I've Assisted With:

Articles I Recommend Reading:

Audio I've Recorded:

Gnome-speakernotes.png UnNews:Tyrannosaurus extinction explained.mp3 file | article
Gnome-speakernotes.png UnNews:Cancer research causes cancer.mp3 file | article
Gnome-speakernotes.png Pocket pussy.mp3 file | article
Gnome-speakernotes.png UnNews:Girl, 10, who recieved hippopotamus for Christmas, stomped to death.mp3 file
Gnome-speakernotes.png UnNews:American toy company seeks Muslim market share.mp3 file | article
Gnome-speakernotes.png UnNews:UCLA Extension to offer "Drinking 101".mp3 file | article
Gnome-speakernotes.png UnNews:Pineapple Is Most Suggestive Fruit.mp3 file | article
Gnome-speakernotes.png UnNews:He shoots, he misses!.mp3 file | article
Gnome-speakernotes.png UnNews:Drug dealers go on strike, rehabs becoming increasingly overbooked.mp3 file | article
Gnome-speakernotes.png Awesomesauce.mp3 file | article
Gnome-speakernotes.png UnNews:News runs out.mp3 file | article
Gnome-speakernotes.png UnNews:Michael Jackson dies! Also Farrah Fawcett.mp3 file | article
Gnome-speakernotes.png UnNews:KISS ruins high school graduation.mp3 file | article
Gnome-speakernotes.png UnNews:Kittens Rescued From Burning Building, Grandma Might Still Be In There.mp3 file | article
Gnome-speakernotes.png UnNews:Fourth holocaust movie puts Tehran on alert.mp3 file | article
Gnome-speakernotes.png UnNews:Tide pushes bounds of physics.mp3 file | article
Gnome-speakernotes.png UnNews:Scientific study reveals that David Bowie does not make sense.mp3 file | article
Gnome-speakernotes.png Bad Directions.mp3 file | article
Gnome-speakernotes.png UnNews:Green Day says bad things about Wal-Mart.mp3 file | article
Gnome-speakernotes.png UnNews:New York Times introduces "worse than Ghost Dad" rating.mp3 file | article
Gnome-speakernotes.png UnNews:Lars Ulrich to join Alvin and the Chipmunks.mp3 file | article

Hello, <insert name here>.

I don't know why you're here. Maybe you're a noob, and I'm watching all of your edits. Maybe I wrote something you liked, maybe I wrote something you hated, maybe you're just nosy. At any rate, you're here, so you might as well make yourself comfortable!!!

  Random Joke:

Sophia-Loren.jpg GOLD IS COLD:
  Diamonds are dead.
A limousine is a car,
don't pretend.
Feel what's real.
~ J'adore
To request adoption, help with editing, or to just generally whore yourself, please leave
me a message here:

Zana Dark » 

This is Zana Dark 3.0. Click here for Version 2.0

Why.svg Why? 
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?

Why I Paint Caterpillars [1]

Why do I paint caterpillars?

It was May in 1903 when my duties for the federal Tribunal were being drafted that, for the first time, I had the idea of examining a caterpillar with a magnifying glass. I uttered a cry of wonder. The magnification of the glass disclosed unsuspected beauties. I felt compelled to reproduce what I had seen. Thus a new path opened up before me to which I pledged myself not tknowing whither it would lead me. To the first watercolour a second was added, and my appetite was so stimulated by these novel experiments that in the last seventeen years I have arrived at the pleasing total of five hundred plates. At first I painted them clandestinely in order not to disturb those hours devoted to great painting. Besides, my caterpillars were portrayed at the beginning on a completely white background.

That background is quite disagreeable!

Such a simple purpose became disagreeable, as is the habit, far too often observed in our museums, of placing the wonders of creation, like common models, against white backgrounds without life or beauty. But how does one overcome this scruple? Not to enlarge the caterpillar would be to abandon precisely what I wished to prove and to enlarge its surroundings on the same scale would make the plants unrecognizable and would distort them. Eventually I settled upon a compromise that gave me the double benefit of being able to portray the little animal seven or eight times its normal size but not altering its surroundings. This was the solution I arrived at after several fumbling attempts.

But look![edit]

I still think the background is a little lackluster. The impressionism is nice but can I make it just a little more realistic?

The caterpillars have made great progress but providing them with a suitable environment has been an enormous task. Did the project really deserve a month of toil? Could I discuss it thus without any distress? Is it lawful for an artist who has arrested on canvas the most perfect visions to humble himself to paint creatures so lowly and so often scorned? Was it not a disgrace and even risking scandal for my fellow creature? A dedicated Christian, an obedient servant of God, could I, in all conscience, devote myself to this agreeable occupation? Would not the precious years of my old age be wasted?

Sometimes checked by these apprehensions, sometimes thrust in the opposite direction, I found myself in total confusion. Often I entreated the Lord to reveal to me His will to give me complete conviction. Eventually the reply arrived and here it is in all its splendour:

"My child, set your mind at rest! In 1885 I summoned you to depict upon the walls of the museum of Neuchafel the vision I granted you at the advent of Christ. You obeyed me; good. But people no longer believe in His coming and, most unfortunately for them, they do not prepare themselves for it."
You have obeyed me; it is very good.
"In 1899 I told you to portray on the front of the historical museum of Berne the ages of humanity in the shape of lofty figures projected on to the screen of a clouded sky. History meditates upon them and Poetry praises these great deeds. But beneath them the horizon is encompassed by the glow of the fires that kindle the new generations. You have obeyed me; it is good. But men consult a different justice and demand a peace which give free rein to all their desires."
There! It is a masterpiece!!!
"In 1906, on my instruction, you described on the walls of the staircase of the federal Tribunal in Lausanne, a huge figure of Justice, arrayed in a toga of shining whiteness, Justice who is inspired only by the divine word and remains their sole sheet anchor. You obeyed me; it is good. But men spat insults at this Cross. These demons inspired them less with disgust and less with dread than did the Crucified. They have become so marvelously clever that they have forgotten the b, a and ba; they have forgotten that the beginning of wisdom is belief in the Eternal."

"Observing my glory shining so brightly on the verses that they crush with disdain beneath their feet, perhaps they will change their minds and will agree to try to understand and to believe. But if, having eyes, they will not see; if, having ears, they will not hear; if having a heart, they will not open it to him who alone is eternal, then they will not be forgiven, because having seen the perfection of God in his works, they will not honour him!"


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Léo-Paul Robert.

It is for this reason that I paint caterpillars with a clear conscience.

— Léo-Paul Robert


  1. Extract from an address given by Léo-Paul Robert on January 11th, 1921 in the museum of Fine Arts in Berne to the deputies of the town and the district who were present at the opening of his exhibition of three hundred watercolour paintings of caterpillars.
  Bad-Asses, Role Models and Rejects
Mr. T Adam West - Anna Nicole Smith - Aunt Jemima - Billy Mays - Blue Beetle - Bob Knight - Bob Saget - Bruce Campbell - Bruce Lee - Burger King - Charles Bronson - Cheese Jesus - Chow Yun-fat - Christopher Walken - Chuck Norris - Clint Eastwood - Count Chocula - Dirty Harry - Dolemite - Dr. Phil - George Carlin - The Green Hornet - Hanson - Jabba the Hutt - Jackie Chan - Jet Li - Joe Camel - Jack Dempsey - James Bevel - Juggernaut - Knight Rider - Kool-Aid Man - MacGyver - Mad Dog - Martin Luther King, Jr. - Michael Biehn - Mike Tyson - Mohandas Gandhi - Mona Lisa - Mr Pelican Shit - Mr. T - Napoleon Dynamite - Notorious B.I.G. - Pedobear - Pillsbury Dough Boy - Qin Shi Huang - Rambo - Red Forman - Rick Astley - Ronald McDonald - Sean Connery - Samuel L. Vacuum - Sarah Palin - Shaft - Scott Aukerman - Sloth - Steven Seagal - Tony Jaa - Trix Rabbit - Uncle Ben - Vanilla Ice - Wesley Snipes - William Hung - Willy Wonka - Wonder Woman - Yogi Bear - Your Mom
  Users on Uncyclopedia
Abacab - Banzaikitten - CandidToaster - DWIII - Frosty - GamerFreak - Giant Tankton - Heosphoros - Kakun - Kev - Kip the Dip - Leverage - Lost Labyrinth - Lyrithya - MadMax - MagicBus - Matthlock - Modusoperandi - Mordillo - Mr-ex777 - MyOwnBadSelf - Nuttymays - Peter The Great - PF4Eva - RAHB - Roza - Spam Removal Unit - SomemoronnamedSuperspongebobbros - Syu20 of the Who-dea - The Woodburninator - TheKatzer - Wageslav - Y - Zana Dark - Zombiebaron - Xing 38

QueenOfUranus.jpg ZanaDark.jpg ZanaJones.jpg AlbanyEyes.jpg BlueMaven.jpg MonaLazy.jpg BiancaMer.png Zana-Dark.jpg Me and Tom Jones.jpg

Prideninjastar.png Cream of the Crap
This article was one of the Top 10 articles of 2015.