Pepperpot Pete
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|---|---|
 Pete pictured smokin' on that there darn cigarette | |
| Born |
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| Died |
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| Cause of death | Asphyxiation via choking |
| Occupation | Musician, bootlegger, hillbilly, degenerate |
| Known for | Performing at Woodstock, travels around Appalachia, fucking up the White House |
Pepperpot Pete was an American folk hero. In his hometown region, he was well known for his hospitality and travels throughout Appalachia. Nationally, he was known for causing a massive brawl at Woodstock.
Early life
Pepperpot Pete was born on November 12, 1942, in some shack in Appalachia. His actual birth name is unknown because the family dog ate the birth certificate. Pete wasn't a very educated child, as his parents took him out of school to support the family business, which was bootlegging. Pete was also taught by his uncle to cook moonshine and by the age of 6, Pete was well known for his ability to brew that good ol' mountain dew. It was around this time, Pete's uncle also taught him how to play the banjo, in which it was discovered that young Pete was a banjo prodigy.
In his mid-teens, Pete travelled across Appalachia, pickin' his banjo and carrying moonshine jugs on his bag. Pete became well known in Appalachia and surrounding areas for his hospitality and travels. A young Bill Clinton was visiting Appalachia and stumbled upon Pete's little campsite. Clinton and Pete conversed for hours and had taught Clinton a few things on the banjo. Pete even let Clinton take a jug of moonshine he had prepared earlier. Clinton never drank the moonshine, and instead had it sitting on his desk in the Oval Office when he was elected as president many years later.
Numerous people in Appalachia had interactions with Pete, and he had quickly established himself as a folk hero in the Appalachia region.
Sedation of the Mothman
While Pete was visiting West Virginia during his travels, he found himself in the woods of Point Pleasant. Pete had set up his tent and fire for the night. Whilst playing his banjo, the legendary Mothman had stumbled upon Pete's camp. However, instead of indicating his usual aggressive behavior, the Mothman was entranced by Pete's banjo playing, and fell into a banjo induced coma. Pete heard a loud thud from behind him, and was shocked to see the cryptid, face down in the dirt. Pete was shocked, and dragged the Mothman into Point Pleasant to show the locals what he found. Needless to say, the locals were shocked at what Pete had literally dragged in the streets. The residents of Point Pleasant constructed a statue of Pete dragging the Mothman by his leg the very same day, made out of pure gold.
Draft and military service
While Pete was walking down a road, fiddlin' on his banjo and hauling his moonshine, a sharply dressed man notified Pete that he was selected for the drafted into the United States Military. Pete begrudgingly followed the man into a recruiting depot, and was sent off to go kill random people in some random country nobody has ever heard of.
During his time in Vietnam, Pete would frequently give away his platoon's position to the enemy due to his constant banjo playing. In one notable incident where he got his squad leader killed, his squadmates attempted to take his banjo away but were shot dead by Pete. The gunfire drew the attention of the Vietcong, and they quickly moved towards the platoon's location. Pete's entire platoon was wiped out except for him, Pete grabbed his banjo and hid behind some shrubs. His unit sent out a recon team to investigate the aftermath of the shootout, only to find Pete lying in the mud, covered in blood. Pete unknowingly had slept in a small pool of blood, which covered his face and fatigues. The soldiers who saw this thought that Pete was a hero due to the fact he was covered in blood and mud, and was the sole survivor surrounded by dead Vietcong soldiers. Pete was brought back to his post and recommended the Medal of Honor.
Pete was presented the Medal of Honor by President Lyndon B. Johnson. Johnson commented on Pete, saying "Pete's a damn good banjo player, and an American hero. Get this man the goddamn Medal of Honor immediately. I have a poop fetish and I also killed the Kennedys."
Pete soon requested a discharge and received a Super-Mega-Ultra-Xtreme Honorable Discharge.
Killing of Bigfoot
After his discharge, Pete immediately went back to his old ways of wandering around Appalachia with his banjo and moonshine. While on a trail, Pete encountered the ever elusive Bigfoot and got into a life-or-death fist fight with the beast. Two onlookers observed what was happening and called the sheriff's department and sent out two deputies to investigate. As the deputies approached, they could hear expletives being shouted, as well as loud gorilla-like grunts. Instead of helping, the deputies stood and watched in amazement as Pete opened a can of whoop-ass on Bigfoot. After a crashing right hand by Pete, Bigfoot hit the ground, which prompted Pete to take his banjo and smack it over the beast's head multiple times. Pete then climbed up a tree, and elbow dropped Bigfoot. Bigfoot started to rise back up, but Pete hit him with a Stone Cold Stunner, and pinned him down. A referee fell from the tree and performed a three-count, which ended the match. Bigfoot was dead. Pete cut off the head of Bigfoot as a trophy and carried it around with him to show his accomplishment.
Mental decline and "frontiersmanship"
It seems that after the murder of Bigfoot, his mental health began to decline. Pete started claiming to be the inventor of helium and hydrogen. He considered himself as a frontiersman, when the time to go exploring frontiers was long gone. His definition of a frontier was the casinos in Las Vegas, and he would frequent them often. He would often stand in the streets and outside the casinos playing his banjo and harmonica for donations. He also fathered numerous children during this time, something he would call "critical to being a frontiersman."
Woodstock performance
While drinking away at a bar, Pete heard of people talking about a giant three day concert that would happen in New York in August 1969. Pete walked all the way back to Appalachia from Las Vegas to dig in the mines for gold in order to make a golden banjo.
Now, Pete was never invited to perform at Woodstock, since it was only very notable artists performing, but in Pete's mind, this was the last frontier that needed to be tamed. Pete had taken the intermission between Sha Na Na and Jimi Hendrix's Gypsy Sun & Rainbows to come up on the stage himself, wielding a golden banjo, and fiddled away a ripping banjo solo. The crowd erupted in cheers and applause, and possibly tears. After his solo, he slung his banjo into the crowd and ripped off his clothes, popped a harmonica out of his ass and started blowing away on it. The crowd erupted into an even bigger applause. Pete jumped into the crowd and went after his banjo. Punching, kicking, and elbowing people out of the way, Pete had accidentally started a massive brawl at an event supposed to be very peaceful. 40,000 people started brawling on the dairy farm venue and caused massive damages.
Decline into insanity, death, and strange findings
Even after his legendary performance, Pete's mental health was still in the shitter, and he secluded himself in his childhood shack in Appalachia. Reporters and fans would frequently surround Pete's shack and yell for him to come outside. Pete was known to throw feces at reporters and bite at his fans that would stand in his property. Pete had a habit of sending letters to the president, which would demand rent money for staying at the White House, which he insisted was his property.
On October 29, 1969, Pete was found dead inside of his house in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet with a bowl of beans. An autopsy report concluded he had died via asphyxiation due to choking on an outrageous amount of lima beans.
In the house
A wall in Pete's bedroom was a giant mess of plans to steal the Pyramids of Giza.
In one of his cabinets, there was a thirteen-inch-thick book on how to perfectly recreate the Coca-Cola recipe.
In a glass display, King Tutankhamun's shrunken head was found. The Demon core was found in his refrigerator. In a cabinet, a Mason jar full of Pete's urine was found with the label, "World's Cure to Cancer".
On Pete's hat rack, Abraham Lincoln's top hat was hung up.
In Pete's living room, the taxidermied head of a wooly mammoth was on his wall.
In another display case, a bologna sandwich was found with the label, "World's First McDonald's Burger."
In his attic, Dick Willie Johnson's guitar was found in its case.
An urn on Pete's nightstand, Adolf Hitler's cremated remains were identified.
In Pete's freezer, Napolean Bonaparte's genitalia were identified.
In every piece of Pete's clothing pockets, there was a set mousetrap.
In the garage
In Pete's garage, Sputnik 1 was found.
Next to the Sputnik 1, Bonnie and Clyde's death car was parked in the garage.
Ted Bundy's Volkswagen Beetle was found parked inside of the garage.
Outside the shack
The wreckage of Buddy Holly's plane crash was found close to his shack enclosed in a fence.
The wreckage of the Hindenburg was found in his driveway.
One of the Titanic's funnels was found next to his shack.
See also
