Bubbles the Clown
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 Bubbles and the travelling circus | |
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Bubbles the Clown was a notorious criminal and clown who was the boss of the Bubbles crime family, in which he amassed a fortune of $1,000,000,000 and 13 wives. Despite the vast amount of information on him, nobody knows his actual name.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Bubbles was born on December 13, 1946, in New Orleans, most likely to a cheap coke whore and her abusive pimp. When he was just five years old, his parents sold him to a travelling circus for a half-broken television and an ounce of low grade coke. What was thought to be a travelling circus was actually a travelling criminal organization, and the young Bubbles was subjected to hilarious sights such as meth addicted clowns chasing down midgets with lawnmowers for protection money.
Bubbles' first notable crime was a test of his training. Could he pull off a brutal beatdown on Elvis Presley. According to former members of the travelling circus, Elvis plead for mercy, but Bubbles replied with "How about a little less conversation?" Elvis, now singing, responded with, "A little more action," and was promptly hit over the head with a wooden clown shoe.
Rising through the ranks[edit | edit source]
After a decade of the travelling circus, Bubbles was fifteen years old and made a name for himself in the organization and underground crime.
1956 strip club massacre[edit | edit source]
On December 21, 1956, the travelling circus sent some members down to a strip club for a prostitution racket. Turns out, while it's normal for a pack of randy men to enter a strip club and smack the strippers' asses, it's off-putting when a group of five clowns does it. The regulars eventually called in the police to take care of them. What followed was a brutal bloodbath.
The first police officer arrived at the scene, walked into the entrance and slipped on a banana peel. After his embarrassing slip, he saw one of the clowns standing at the end of the hallway, playing La Cucaracha off of multiple bike horns while hysterically laughing. Overwhelmed by a sense of embarrassment, the officer pissed his police trousers and walked away with his head hung low. Sniffling as he called for back up, and announcing his resignation over the radio.
After backup arrived, they saw the responding officer dead inside of his vehicle, with a self-inflicted gunshot wound. The clowns knew what they were doing. Unreal huh?
The squad of police officers slowly walked inside the strip club with their guns drawn, and instead of hearing 1950s club music, they heard extremely loud carnival music. While walking down the hallway, they heard a bike horn behind them. They turned around to see a confetti grenade being hurled towards them. The confetti grenade exploded and killed all but one, who was severely injured. You see instead of colorful squares of paper it was colorful squares of sharp glass. The gaggle of clowns took their weapons and equipment and stuffed the injured man inside an impossibly small suitcase and put it in the even impossibly tiny boot of their clown car.
Escape[edit | edit source]
The clowns found themselves America's most wanted and were bombarded by a gaggle of pissed off "blue lives matters" coppers. The clowns walked outside and started squirting liquid out of the flowers on their clown suits at the helicopters and police cars. Only the liquid was Greek fire (a flammable concoction only the ancient Greeks and crime clowns know the recipe for). The police mercilessly gunned down all the clowns except Bubbles. He lives because his clown suit was overstuffed with an enormous mile-long trick handkerchief that held off the bullets.
Bubbles fled in his impossibly tiny clown car, dropping banana peels and ice cream which covered the pursuing coppers' windshields. After covering a shit load of windshields, Bubbles spotted a busy four-way intersection and sped up, narrowly avoiding the cars. Not being able to see in front of them, the cops caused a 67-car pileup. Which soon exploded because they had driven through a movie set belonging to Michael Bay.
Promotion to CEC[edit | edit source]
Bubbles was promoted to Chief Executive Clown of the travelling circus making him second-in-command.
FBI investigation[edit | edit source]
Soon after Bubbles' promotion, the FBI obsessively chased the travelling circus only Bubbles was always several steps ahead. Many clowns were incarcerated by the FBI and began giving information about Bubbles but Bubbles never let anyone have enough useful info to be easily caught.
Oh, the humanity![edit | edit source]
Eventually too many informants were interrogated, and Bubbles made the slightly drastic decision to murder everyone in the travelling circus. Bubbles organized a meeting in which every member had to attend. About thirty minutes after the meeting began, Bubbles excused himself to the bathroom as he claimed had heavily inflamed clown balls and unleashed an unstoppable horde of monkeys dressed in cute Shriners hats, brown vests and cymbals on the whole troop. Screams and clown honks, followed by loud banging noises and monkey screams, and even more screams and clown honks. After about a minute, the screams and clown honks stopped. Bubbles had managed to wipe out the entire organization, which raised and cared for him, in less than a minute. The monkeys ate part of the dead clowns and then fought one another with their cymbals leading to several clown monkey decapitations. The police, once on scene, didn't know what to make of the wreckage.
Bubbles crime family[edit | edit source]
Bubbles started his very own crime family immediately, and quickly rose to become the most powerful crime family in the United States in the 70s. New members had to dress like a clown 24/7 and he generously funded those who showed promise full tuition at clown crime college.
Notable members[edit | edit source]
- Evil Jesus
- Michael Jordan
- Clown Hitler
- An Egyptian taxi driver
- <insert name here>
Antics and crimes of the Bubbles crime family[edit | edit source]
- Burning down city hall and impregnating politicians wives with half-clown babies
- Placing banana peels on the top of stairs
- Watching an elderly person struggle with opening a jar and saying "Allow me," only to tighten it even more
- Throwing shit at people, like a monkey
- Releasing a gorilla in a fake looking gorilla suit inside of a mall
- Screaming "There's a hawk up my ass!"
- Punting babies and small animals into tornados
- Throwing hotdogs at mall cops
- Shooting wizards with clown wands
- Rigging port-a-potties to explode
- Pawning war medals
- Assassinating the CEO of Skittles
Assassination of the CEO of Skittles[edit | edit source]
While thinking of new ways to gain revenue for the crime family, Bubbles decided to overtake the Skittles company and have it for his own.
Bubbles used the truly original and brilliant tactic of releasing a horde of monkeys in cute shriners hats, brown vests and cymbals into the Skittles' headquarters' boardroom. Turns out the CEO was not there that day, but instead on vacation in Hawaii. While the board ended up decapitated and partially eaten, the CEO was obliviously partying on a yacht with underage Russian models. Bubbles tracked them down but the details of the assassination are to gruesome for any sort of media outlet, but it's the reason why all travel banned to one of the small Hawaii islands is banned.
Capture and interrogation[edit | edit source]
On Halloween, Bubbles was captured by FBI agents outside of his new travelling circus and put into custody. Below is a segment of the interrogation, which was carried out by J. Edgar Hoover.
Beginning of interrogation
Hoover: Oh hohoho, it is a pleasure to finally meet you. You're gonna pay for the crimes you've committed.
Bubbles: There's a hawk up my ass!
Hoover: What?!
Ten minutes, fifteen seconds into the interrogation
Hoover: Tell me about the assassination of the Skittles' CEO.
Bubbles: I don't know anything about that, sir.
Hoover: Where's the cheese?!
Bubbles: Huh?
Hoover: Where is it, Bubbles? I know damn well you know where your money is at! leaning closely to Bubbles, in which Bubbles activates his fake flower spray on his chest and soaks Hoover's face with skunk spray
Bubbles: Get fucked!
Hoover: Oh, you little bastard! Hoover lunges at Bubbles but he reverses it and starts giving Hoover a noogie, security rushes in and beats Bubbles with rolling pins
Thirty minutes, five seconds into the interrogation
Hoover, struggling to open a pickle jar: Damn this thing ...
Bubbles: Why do you have a pickle jar?
Hoover: I'm hungry ... er ... AAAHH! Fuck this thing!
Bubbles: Allow me.
Hoover: Sure, go ahead.
Bubbles tightens and jizzes all over lid, and hands it back to Hoover
Hoover: Thank you, let's enjoy these pickles. Shall we?
Hoover tries to open the jar, only for his hand to slip off the jar.
Hoover: Oh, WHAT THE FUCK!
Hoover lunges at Bubbles again, except Bubbles steps out of the way and Hoover slams into the wall head-first, Bubbles is harshly spanked.
One hour and sixteen minutes into the interrogation
Hoover: And that's the second time I got crabs.
Bubbles: Interesting, also what is that on your face?
Hoover: Huh?
Bubbles squirts a liquid out of the flower on this clown costume. Only it is not a liquid but Greek fire. Hoover goes up in flames, flames that cannot be put out. In fact, the whole FBI headquarters burns down. Bubbles farts on all their corpses before fleeing.
Incarceration and death[edit | edit source]
Bubbles was eventually caught after the largest manhunt in world police history. He wasn't charged who his actual crimes but with gross obnoxiousness and high treason. He was sentenced to death.
During his stay in prison, Bubbles created a clown prison gang, and would often try to incite riots. Most of them failed and Bubbles would be beaten by the guards and thrown in solitary confinement. I guess people can't take a joke no more. Bubbles caused much of the tomfoolery that happened in the prison. It's been reported that he pantsed the prison warden more than ten times.
Death[edit | edit source]
Bubbles was supposed to be shot out of a giant cannon into the atmosphere. However, the day before his execution, Bubbles escaped and drove his clown car into J. Edgar Hoover's house, which caused a colorful and hilarious explosion, (Michael Bay was coincidentally filming nearby). Bubbles was thought to have been immediately killed and his clown horn and nose went flying into a nearby flowing river, which collectors frequently search in hopes of finding his horn and red nose. Though no actual corpse was ever found. They say one can still hear his red honking nose if you listen really carefully.