My Brawl With Santa Claus on Christmas 1978
I was sitting in my living room very late at night, watching The Christmas That Almost Wasn't. I knew the fat, jolly bastard would be arriving soon, and I would be waiting for him. I've been waiting for this moment for years ever since St. Dickolas gave me coal for Christmas four years in a row, despite my good behavior. I'll shove that stocking full of coal up his ass and show him how funny it is.
I was dozing off when I heard it. The sound I could recognize anywhere. The fat bastard's heavy stomps on my rooftop. It's showtime. I sprang up off of the couch and hid behind the Christmas tree. I stay there for a little bit when I hear a loud tumble and an audible "Ah, shit.. that hurt." The fat bastard had entered the point of no return. Of course the jolly prick went straight to the kitchen, where he helped himself to the milk and cookies I laid out. I put a small amount of laxative and LSD in the cookies. I'm also pretty sure he got into the liquor cabinet because I heard him say something about a "Mr. Jack Daniels," with glass clinking around. He laid the presents under the tree, I was so close to him I could smell the liquor and cookies on him. Somehow, he didn't see me.
Then he walks over to the stalking, I peek around the tree. I see the lump of coal in his hand.
No the fuck you don't.
I lunge out and ram my shoulder into his back. He goes flying into the wall, and the coal drops to the ground. The bastard wastes no time to retaliate as when I approached him he kicked his leg up right into my chin. I stumbled back over my coffee table and fell over. Santa jumps on me and starts laying into me with some punches. I grabbed his fist and hit him with a hook that would've made Smokin' Joe Frazier proud. Santa goes tumbling over. I go to stomp on him but he rolls out of the way and sweeps my leg, causing me to fall down. He tries to run off, but I quickly got up, grabbed him, and slung him into the tree. He fell over with a loud thud and the tree fell on top of him. I see my chance so I grab a nearby vase, which turned out to be my father's ashes. I threw it right on top of his head and the ashes go everywhere, and temporarily blinds Santa. I grab him and sling him up to his feet. BOOM! Right elbow to the nose. A cut opens up immediately and he pushes the palm of his hand into my face, and sticks a finger in my eye. Bastard. He follows that up with a groin kick. I drop to my knees and Santa kicks me square in the face with his boot. I cover my face in pain and start slowly rising to my feet.
He tries to take me down but we hobble into the wall, busting the drywall open. I manage to get slightly behind Santa and I ram his head into the wall. I grab a nearby coatrack and bring it down into his back about three times. On my fourth swing down, he turns over and grabs it before I can hit him. He thrusts it up into my chest and knocks the wind out of me. I stumbled back into a cabinet and I must admit that the fat bastard is more athletic than I thought. He dropkicked me into the cabinet and completely destroyed it.
He falls on his back and also knocked the wind out of himself. I try to elbow drop him but he managed to barely roll out of the impact zone. That hurt my elbow a LOT. We both laid on the floor for quite sometime getting our breath and energy back. Santa managed to rise up and kicked me in the stomach while I was on all fours trying to catch my breath.
"That all you got?" Santa said.
This awoke a fire in me and I quickly rose back up and kicked him right in the thigh, which made him drop to one knee, and I followed it up with a left hook right to the jaw, sending him to the ground again. I grab the Christmas tree off of the ground and hit him with it while he's on the ground. I toss it to the side and see him laying motionless. I was thinking I had won, but no. He rolls over, grabs something in his pocket and flings it into my eye, he screams out "POCKET SUGAR!"
Oh my god, it burned. I yelped out in pain and slammed my fist into the nearby desk. Santa grabbed my head and slammed it into the desk. I severely underestimated his abilities. I ran into the kitchen and grabbed a stool, and ran into the living room like a bat out of hell, slamming it into his head. I felt like a World War I soldier bayonet charging the enemy in that moment. Santa falls against the side of the couch on his side, and leans up against it. I grab the back of his collar and start laying punches into his stupid jolly face. He backhands the hell out of me and hits me right in the solar plexus with one of the hardest punches I've ever taken. I tried to not let it bother me, so I charged into him and we flipped over the couch, knocking it over. I rose to my feet and put Santa into a headlock, giving him a noogie from hell. I was dragging him into the bathroom to give him a swirly, but he freed himself, but fell over in the process, which resulted in him smashing his head into the sink and making it fall out of the wall. It was a hilarious sight and sound to behold. I took a plunger and stuck it on his face, going up and back down with it. He kicks me off of him and I stumble into the shower curtains. Santa tries to make his escape, but I'm not allowing that to happen.
He runs back into the living room and grabs his sack full of presents and makes a dash for the backdoor, where his sleigh is parked. I charged into him and we both slammed through the door and onto the back porch. I got on my feet first and grab his foot and start dragging him back inside. He grabs onto the door frame but I managed to pull him off of it. I'm not sure what he did, but he managed to kick me right in the face with his other leg and completely floored me. I fell backwards and he jumped on top of me, I grabbed a nearby ornament that fell off of the tree, and slammed it right into his face. He grabbed his face and withered around in pain with some haunting screams. I pick up the Christmas tree and smack him right in his face, and his head goes flying back into the wall, denting it in. This time, he stops moving. I thought I had just killed him, but I checked his pulse and found he was alive. I went into the kitchen and sure enough found the bottle of Jack Daniels sitting on the counter. I grabbed the bottle and started chugging. I must admit, the fat fuck put up a good fight. I went into the living room and looked at the mess we had made. It's gonna take a while to clean up. I grabbed more presents out of his present sack and laid them where the tree is supposed to be. I put the sack on his sleigh and dragged him on it, and managed to send the reindeer and sleigh away into the sky.
He gets the message now.
