Presidential Bar Brawl Classic
Dick: Howdy folks, and welcome to another edition of the yearly Smirnoff Presidential Bar Brawl Classic! As always, I'm your host, Dick Willie Johnson, and I'm joined by my good friend, Bud "Lite" Bigmeat.
Bud: I gotta say, Dick, I'm very, very excited to see this brawl. I've been waiting to see Taft smash a chair over Kennedy's head. Last one alive/conscious wins.
SMASH
Dick: Nixon wastes no time and immediately hits Reagan over the head with a chair! Reagan is on the ground in severe pain, that's definitely a concussion if I've ever seen one, Bud. Washington with a right hook to the face of Grover Cleveland! Cleveland retaliates with a beer bottle to the head. Kennedy shoves Biden into Taft! Oh god, no! Taft slams Biden into a table! Obama hits Taft over the head with a chair, he's down! Here comes George W. Bush, stomping on the injured Reagan!
Bud: Woodrow Wilson looks like he's going to put a stop to it with a punch to the back of the head! Lincoln with a nasty combo on Washington's face! Look at poor Jimmy Carter, Clinton is really handing it to him! Teddy Roosevelt joins in with a kick to the stomach, Carter is down! TAFT THROWS POLK ACROSS THE ROOM AND INTO THE WALL! EISENHOWER WITH AN ELBOW DROP TO THE FACE OF POLK!
Dick: Taft finally gets back up after being hit with a chair ... OOOHHH, ANOTHER CHAIR TO THE HEAD OF TAFT BY BARACK OBAMA! Here comes a beer bottle! OH, RIGHT INTO THE FACE OF OBAMA! Looks like that was thrown by Joe Biden, who now throws up his hands in confusion. Obama is on the ground covering his face, writhing in pain. Biden gets on top of him and starts elbowing him! This is brutal! ROOSEVELT ABSOLUTELY TRUCKS BIDEN INTO THE GROUND!
Bud: Nixon and Reagan are still going at it! Blow for blow! WHAT A RIGHT HAND BY REAGAN! NIXON IS STUMBLING BACKWARDS AND HE TRIPS OVER A STOOL! He's down!
Dick: Reagan picks up the stool ... OOOHHH, HE BREAKS IT OVER NIXON'S BACK! Cleveland comes up behind Reagan and puts him in a chokehold, Kennedy comes in and starts punching Reagan in the stomach! Cleveland drops Reagan and he hits the floor like a sack of potatoes. Polk is back on his feet and cracks a beer bottle over the head of Cleveland! He turns around and backhands the shit out of Polk!
Dick: Obama is also back up and knees Polk in the face! Biden is still on the ground! NO! TAFT IS ABOUT TO JUMP ON BIDEN!
CRUNCH
Bud & Dick: OOOHHH!
Dick: That definitely crushed his spine! If he's still alive or conscious, he's still in the fight!
Bud: Here comes Wilson with a leg kick to Clinton! Cleveland trucks Clinton into the ground! Nixon comes up behind Cleveland and hits him over the head with a chair! Cleveland stumbles into a cabinet! NIXON WITH MULTIPLE GROIN KICKS TO CLEVELAND! OH MY GOODNESS!
Dick: That is just brutal! Eisenhower has had enough of that and cracks Clinton over the head with a bottle! Taft comes up behind Eisenhower and picks him up! TAFT TOSSES HIM INTO THE COUNTER! Taft is walking slowly towards Eisenhower and Wilson accidentally gets in the way! TAFT CHOKESLAMS WILSON INTO THE TABLE! Obama throws a beer bottle at Taft! Everyone is trying to take Taft out!
Bud: Biden is paralyzed from the legs down, but he's crawled over to Taft and grabbed a hold of his leg! Cleveland jumps on top of Taft and everyone is getting their licks in! NOW TAFT CLUTCHES HIS CHEST!
Dick: Nixon with a nice front kick to the head of Taft! Obama and Reagan take out hulking Taft's legs from under him and he hits the floor with a loud thud! Eisenhower gets back up and slams a chair into Taft's chest! Roosevelt stomping on Taft's kneecaps! Washington and Lincoln are stomping on his arms! Looks like Polk is kicking him in the head! He's being absolutely mobbed!
Bud: He's done for! He may be dead! Our "medics" rush in to confirm his status. TAFT IS DEAD! HE COULDN'T WITHSTAND THE MOB! And from the looks of it, looks like the big man couldn't withstand his massive pre-fight meal either. Fighting resumes and Lincoln is pummeling the paralyzed Biden and he might be the next one to go! Nixon is taking some punches from Washington, he can really pack a wallop! Obama trucks Lincoln into the wall and starts kicking him!
Dick: Cleveland with a mean uppercut to Clinton! Eisenhower kicks Clinton in the back and Polk clotheslines Clinton! What a combo! He may be out!
Bud: He could be, Dick. Here comes Nixon with a chair to the cranium of Obama! Nixon soccer kicks Biden right in the head! Looks like he's not moving! Our "medics" are sent in and confirm that Biden is deceased! Two presidents down! Here comes Lyndon B. Johnson with a chair to the head of Nixon! Carter hops in and is flattened by LBJ with an absolutely brutal counter punch! He never even saw it coming!
Dick: Looks like Carter isn't moving either, that was a great punch! Our "medics" confirm that Carter is alive, but unconscious! Three down! Wait, four, counting William Henry Harrison, who, if anyone recalls, literally dropped dead one second after the bell rang! Must have been that bootleg cider he snuck in and chugged down! And see, that's why you don't bring in bootleg drinks to a bar, folks! Drink Smirnoff! The official vodka of the Presidential Bar Brawl Classic!
Bud: I'm more of a Jack Daniels man, Dick! No thanks to our friendly sponsors across the globe- woah! TRUMP COMES IN FROM OUT OF NO WHERE AND HITS NIXON WITH A BOTTLE! MY GOD! LOOKS LIKE TRUMP WAS HIDING BEHIND THE COUNTER THE WHOLE TIME! WHAT A COWARD! Cleveland throws Trump to the ground and smashes a chair over him! Is he already out? We've sent our "medics" to take a look and ... Wow, Trump is already unconscious.
Dick: Nice plan, you orange dumbass! Trump gave an even wimpier fight than FDR, who is somehow still alive and has already taken out both James Buchanan and Warren G. Harding despite his limited mobility! In fact, FDR simply rolled over both of them with his wheelchair! Meanwhile, Bush and Kennedy are going blow for blow! Here comes Lincoln with a straight right to the jaw of Kennedy! Now that's a broken jaw if I've ever seen one, Bud! I could hear the crack from here! AND AN EVEN BIGGER CRACK AS CLINTON SMASHES POLK OVER THE HEAD WITH A CHAIR! He's completely flattened out, our "medics" are rushing in ... POLK IS OUT FOR THE COUNT! We have reports that his breathing is labored and his pulse is weak, but holy shit what a hit!
Bud: Nixon and Reagan have been going at it for awhile, looks like Washington wants a piece of the action ... OOOHHH! BACKHANDED BY NIXON! WASHINGTON'S WOODEN TEETH GO FLYING! Reagan with a beer bottle to the head of Washington! Cleveland intervenes with one hell of a wallop to the back of Reagan's head! Reagan slumps to the ground and Nixon is fighting for his life against Cleveland! Eisenhower jumps on Cleveland's back and Cleveland throws Eisenhower off of him into a table! HERE COMES ANOTHER BEER BOTTLE!
Dick: That was right in the face of Cleveland, looks like Kennedy threw that one! Nixon looks to be kicking the glass shards even deeper into Cleveland's face! Oh my god! I can't even watch, DAMN YOU TRICKY DICK! Eisenhower is back up on his feet and DROPKICKS NIXON! OH MY GOD! Here comes Kennedy with a barstool to the face of Reagan! Kennedy takes the leg of the broken stool and his hitting Cleveland in the head with it! Jesus H. Christ!
Bud: Our "medics" rush in and let's see what they say.
Dick: Looks like Reagan is unconscious but Cleveland is barely hanging on! Note to the people who can't see what's happening, the dead and unconscious presidents are not removed from the bar. They're left there. And.. now there's FDR, who's apparently fallen and can't get back up!
Bud: Here comes Clinton, charging in ... OOOHHH, HE TRIPS OVER REAGAN AND SMASHES HIS TEETH AGAINST A TABLE! DUMBASS! Eisenhower soccer kicks Clinton right in the head and he's writhing in pain! Over in the corner, Lincoln and LBJ are laying into each other with hooks and uppercuts! Nice slip by Lincoln and an even better counter punch that sends LBJ tumbling into a table! Obama splashes beer all over Lincoln's face and Obama uses that opportunity to tackle him into the cabinet! Wilson intervenes and Obama elbows him right in the kisser! There go his teeth! Roosevelt shoves Obama into the ground and throws Wilson on top of him! Roosevelt picks Lincoln up and tosses him like a ragdoll into the table! Kennedy throws a beer bottle at him but misses! Roosevelt is pissed now! Kennedy is running for his life! WITH WHAT LITTLE STRENGTH HE HAS LEFT, CLEVELAND REACHES HIS HAND OUT AND TRIPS KENNEDY! Roosevelt scoops Kennedy up and TOSSES HIM THROUGH THE WINDOW! OH MY GOD!
Dick: Well, I'll be damned, Bud! Kennedy doesn't look like he's moving! I think he hit his head on the pillar out there! Our "medics" rush out there ...
POW
Bud: SOMEONE JUST SHOT KENNEDY IN THE HEAD FROM OUTSIDE THE BAR! KENNEDY IS DEAD! The shooter is now firing at the crowd gathered outside! IT'S GOVERNOR CONNALLY THAT'S BEING SHOT AT!
Dick: HOLY SHIT! Look over there! Clinton rises back up but Wilson puts him back down with a vicious knee to the noggin! I think he's out! The medics confirm it! Obama, Eisenhower, Wilson, Cleveland, LBJ, Washington, Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, and Bush still remain!
Bud: LBJ grabs Obama's arms and Eisenhower is really digging into Obama's stomach with these punches! Cleveland is barely getting back up ... OOOHHH, ANOTHER CHAIR TO THE HEAD OF CLEVELAND BY WASHINGTON! He's convulsing on the ground! HE'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD! WASHINGTON ELIMINATED CLEVELAND!
Dick: Bush comes up behind Eisenhower and conks him over the head with a whiskey bottle! It didn't even break! Eisenhower stumbles into the table and Bush pushes him over! LBJ sweeps Bush's legs out from under him and slams a barstool right on his ribcage! Bush yelps out in pain!
Bud: Wilson is being absolutely pummeled by Roosevelt in the corner! If nobody stops him Wilson is as good as dead! Obama throws a beer bottle and it conks Roosevelt in the head! Wilson reaches for a nearby bottle on the ground and BOOM! That looked to be right in the eyeball! LBJ, Obama, and Wilson are beating on Roosevelt with broken pieces of chairs and barstools! I think there is some stabbing too!
Dick: Clinton rises back up to join in on the beating but Eisenhower puts him back down with a barstool! I think he's out, and that kick to the head really solidified it! Medics confirm Clinton is out! I don't think Roosevelt can take this anymore! Looks like he's gone limp, what do the medics say? HE'S DEAD! THEY'VE KILLED TEDDY ROOSEVELT!
Bud: Now they turn on each other and Obama conks LBJ over the head with the chair leg! Eisenhower missed his punch and Wilson made him pay for it! Chair leg right to the teeth of Eisenhower! EISENHOWER HIT IN THE KNEECAP BY WILSON! I DON'T THINK HE'LL BE ABLE TO STAND BACK UP! ANOTHER HIT TO THE HEAD! AND ANOTHER ONE!
Dick: The "medics" call it! Eisenhower is unconscious and will probably die on the way to the hospital! I'm kidding, nobody will be transported to a hospital. They will die right here!
Bud: LBJ with a nasty combo on Obama's face! Lincoln joins in and slings him into the counter! LBJ and Lincoln pummeling Obama with kicks and stomps! Wilson comes up behind them with the bar stool and hits Lincoln over the head and punches LBJ right in the nose! Washington comes up behind Wilson and slings him down into the ground! Obama is back on his feet and trucks Washington into the ground, LBJ and Lincoln accidentally collide! Bush joins in and is immediately caught in the crossfire and looks to be unconscious! HE'S UNCONSCIOUS! HE'S OUT!
Dick: Wilson quickly gets back up and wallops Lincoln upside the head with a solid punch! Washington clotheslines Wilson, he hit the ground hard! LBJ gets on top of Wilson and is really laying into his face with these punches! Obama kicks LBJ off of him and Washington is trucked to the ground by Lincoln! Wilson is back up on his feet, but stumbling! LINCOLN SMASHES A STOOL OVER WILSON'S HEAD! I THINK HE'S OUT! Our medics rush in ... HE'S UNCONSCIOUS! DAMNIT! He had one hell of a fight, Bud. I'm upset he lost.
Bud: He sure did, Dick. Obama is being strangled by Lincoln and Washington pokes him in the eyeball! DROPKICK OVER THE COUNTER BY LBJ! Lincoln goes flying over the counter! Obama is struggling to breathe on the ground and Washington feels no mercy and kicks him squarely in the face! Obama's head hit the edge of the stairs! He's lifeless! Our "medics" scramble in, HE'S DEAD! OBAMA HAS PASSED AWAY!
Dick: Damn! He also had a good fight! LBJ and Washington are really laying into each other as Lincoln is trying to recuperate! Only three left! LBJ, Lincoln, and Washington! Washington with a nice liver punch on LBJ! LBJ hits the deck and Washington wastes no time on jumping on him! LBJ can't defend himself! HE'S OUT! HE'S UNCONSCIOUS! Washington gets back up ... OOOHHH, LINCOLN TRUCKS WASHINGTON THROUGH A WINDOW AND HE MIGHT BE DEAD! THAT WAS ONE HELL OF AN IMPACT!
Bud: HE'S DEAD! LINCOLN WINS THE PRESIDENTIAL BAR BRAWL CLASSIC! OH MY GOD!
Dick: That was one hell of a show, Bud! Lincoln stumbles out of the bar and collapses in the street. Thank you all for tuning in for the Presidential Bar Brawl Classic.
See also
