UnNews:Trump gets shot
Sunday, July 14, 2024
My fellow Americans, this is a sad day for our nation. Today is a sad day for democracy; a sad day for freedom. The Founding Fathers are shedding a river of tears at Mount Rushmore over this event.
Because today, former President and candidate Donald Trump's right ear has just been shot off ...
- ... because the bullet missed his hideous toupee.
I mean, how can you miss such an easy target to shoot? The guy's toupee wasn't even moving; it was standing there still (albeit flapping in the breeze somewhat), literally begging to be shot, and yet the bullet passed it by a significant margin. I thought Americans were good at shooting guns, but I guess today the exception had to occur. I definitely wouldn't have missed the shot, what with that ugly flaming-orange hairpiece for a bullseye. Even a drunk toddler with only one arm would have had a better aim.
This is truly a sad day for the United States. We could've had such a day to remember for the rest of time, and we could have witnessed The Donald being forced to live out the rest of his days a bald man, but it had to be cut short because they left the job of taking out Trump's toupee in the hands of an utter nitwit who, despite being a gun fanatic, couldn't even make his high school sharpshooting team due to his piss poor aim. If they're going to try it again, they better do it right next time. And they better shoot Vladimir Putin's comb-over too.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "Trump target of assassination attempt; says he was shot in ear at rally" NBC News, July 14, 2024
- "America's Brush With Tragedy" The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, July 16, 2024