UnNews:Margaret Thatcher tragically dies 30 years too late
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
8 April 2013
Socialists and members of the British poor mourned the belated death of Baroness Margaret Thatcher, several decades after such an event would have come in handy.
The former Prime Minister, who set about dismantling the working class by selling houses to the richer ones and forcing the poorer ones to stop digging for coal and starve to death, passed away peacefully after being gently laid upon a catapult and lovingly fired into the mouth of the River Thames.
Former adversary and union leader Arthur Scargill, told Channel 4: "It's cold chaffing comfort. If she'd died in the 1980s, before we shut down all our chaffing mines, maybe that would have been something to celebrate, but today, well, I don't know, it's like when we killed Osama bin Laden or Saddam Hussein."
"What was it Martin Luther King said? 'I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy.' What? He didn't say that?[1] Oh bollocks, I've been quoting him on that for ages."
Mrs. Thatcher's death comes as something of a shock after a heart transplant in 2012 had apparently rejuvenated her and created a potentially dangerous mutant. However, much like Dolly the sheep, the genetically galvanised Thatcher soon developed arthritis and began to age prematurely.
Baroness Thatcher's opponent in the Falklands War, Leopoldo Galtieri, said: "This is great news. Is what I would have said 32 years ago. Don't get me wrong, I am glad she is rotting in the ground, but I wish she'd copped it back in the good old days. You know, when Julio Iglesias was in the charts.
"And Enrique Iglesias wasn't."
Instead of the normal state funeral, Britons are set to commemorate Thatcher's death by building bonfires and burning effigies of the former Conservative leader, but the general feeling is that the celebration will not as be as energetic as it would have been had it been held around the time of the poll tax riots.
Sociologist Joanna Corey explained, "Alternative comedians have been begging for the death of Baroness Thatcher for years, but now it's finally come, it's all a bit of a damp squib. It's probably how Iraqis will feel in a few years time when George W. Bush kicks the bucket."
Key points in Baroness Thatcher's life
- 1925 found in vegetable patch in Lincolnshire
- 1940 discovers a Nazi pilot who has crashed into local field. Loses virginity to him, then shoots him dead
- 1950 starts serving time as junior Tory party member, campaigning for safe Labour seats and fellating senior Conservatives
- 1959 rewarded with seat in safe constituency; becomes Britain's first ginger MP
- 1970 made health secretary and is hailed, "Margaret Thatcher, Milk Snatcher" for her tendency to wrench milk from the hands of undernourished school children and drink it herself voraciously
- 1975 becomes leader of the Conservative party after defeating William Whitelaw in pig's blood drinking contest
- 1979 wins General Election by pretending to be a woman
- 1980 speaks out against increasing demand for heterosexual sodomy in the UK with famous "the lady's not for turning" speech
- 1981 begins rich phone sex affair with Ronald Reagan
- 1982 declares desire to smash Britain's unions and create new classless nation made up entirely of "aristocracy", "homeowners" and "chavs"
- 1983 is re-elected as Prime Minister after sweeping the United Kingdom to an emotional victory to preserve the sovereignty of the beautiful, albeit oily Falkland Islands
- 1984 survives IRA's attempt on her life by swallowing the bomb they had planted at her hotel in Brighton, and letting it explode in her belly like the Hulk would
- 1985 has Father Christmas murdered and thrown down a coal mine
- 1990 attempts to introduce the Pole Tax, which taxed individuals based on how many Polish people they knew, were considered ridiculous, and Thatcher is obliged to stand down
- 1991–2002 invites Jimmy Savile to play Chequers every New Year's Eve for eleven years, after she initially misunderstands him, thinking he claims that he knows a thing or two about abusing miners
- 1998 is widely believed to have been the force behind son Mark's attempt to lead a revolution in Equatorial Guinea
- 2001 suggests Argentina and the IRA had something to do with 9/11
- 2005 has to watch daughter Carol eat a kangaroo testicle on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!; decides to develop dementia
- 2005–2012 keeps saying "I'm the Prime Minister, you know?" "Where's my purse? I think the nurses are stealing my things." "I didn't mean to put it [an electric kettle] on the stove, I thought it was a gas kettle."
- 2012 enjoys brief rejuvenation but heart transplant did not last
- 2013 catapulted into the Thames
Sources
- BBC News "Ex-Prime Minister Baroness Thatcher dies" BBC, April 08, 2013
