Joanna Corey
“Sexual politics in this town have been flip-reversed with all the unseemly alacrity of a submissive waif in a homosexual porn audition.”
“Presidents always says 'God Bless America' , but it's just one of those things you say without really knowing the exact etymology of the expression, like, 'We got it going on'.”
“Is it a site where sexually abused children are filmed beating and defecating on adults? A sort of Kids Say the Funniest Things for the jaded porn-addict generation?”
Joanna Corey is one of the most mysterious human beings whoever lived; an academic, nay, a renaissance woman par excellence, who has mastered so many fields of study that she holds high-ranking posts at some of the most renowned universities in the world. She also has several non-academic positions which, on first sight, seem rather curious for a college professor.
California State University[edit | edit source]
Corey is primarily known as a sociologist, psychologist, theologist and economist at California State University. She has published several key papers as a sociologist, examining broad topics ranging from increased homosexuality among comic book fans and increased homosexuality among Russian musical acts to the amount of homosexuals in Hollywood.
Her theological work has focused on Christianity, with her most recently published piece analyzing the latest book written by Pope Benedict XVI, and its consequences for the future of Christmas, a topic she also touched on when discussing men with white beards at Yuletide.
Corey's articles on theology have often crossed over into economics, with her proposal that, in the wake of the extraordinary cost of the 2012 Presidential race, the US adopt the Coptic Pope method of election, proving particularly noteworthy. Away from religion, she has written a several stirring pieces about the future of journalism as a viable business, including one exploring Clark Kent's attempt to write a newspaper entirely by himself, and commented on China's place in world economics.
Her expertise surrounding the internet means she occupies several positions on the supermation info-highway. She write as Technology Analyst for the National Enquirer on subjects such as revenge porn and sexual harrassment websites.
Despite her apparent presence in California, she is also listed as a state psychologist in Fair Dinkum, Australia. That's weird. Anyway, she made news programs around the world when she described Bruce Kasprowicz, the amateur Australian gold prospector who found a gold nugget weighing 5.5k as a "dolt" with a "magpie's concept of gold".
Work at British Universities[edit | edit source]
“A urinating man will almost always watch the stream of piss as it gushes from his helmet, either glorying in its strength, height, or being silently amused at his own careless aim. A man could urinate his entire life without once considering where he puts his hands”
“Symptoms include frenzied neighing and braying in the first stage, leading to bucking, weaving, biting, and kicking. In the end, their family members are forced to break their legs, in which case a vet will be legally obliged to put them down.”
Commuting back and forth across the Atlantic, Corey holds a number of key positions in the United Kingdom where she is valued for her academic versatility. The UK is famous for its lack of hygiene and specifically its people's aversion to soap, and Corey's work on penis holding at Queen's University, Belfast has helped reduce MSRA cases in Northern Ireland.
She is also an equine specialist at the London School of Medicine, and her expertise came to the fore during the recent furore over Tesco's horse-beef burgers and their possible link to Mad Horse Disease.
Working in the UK allows Corey to have a physical connection with Europe, a priority for her given that she has a profound interest in Italian culture. She is Professor of Italian at Manchester Metropolitan University, and was able to decode a particularly Mediterranean argument between two members of Manchester City FC and wrote Up Pompeii: Well Preserved and Well Hung about the famously blessed citizens of Pompeii.
At Cambridge University, Corey is professor of history, although she recently made some widely discredited claims about Richard III.
Outside of the academic world[edit | edit source]
Away from her college work, Corey has several other forms of gainful employment. She is a madam at the Horse Inn brothel in Seattle, home of two strippers who took on the name Physical Cliff in the wake of the travails of the American economy. She describes herself on the brothel's website as "an unashamed pun-loving criminal".
She is also an online bookmaker. She recently tipped disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong to make a victorious comeback in his attempt to ride Oprah Winfrey in the next Tour de France. Corey said, "Remember, he is a white American, he will have an instinctive feel for how to ride a black person into the ground."
She has two children, Rory and Tori, both of whom are avid Manchester United fans. In 2011, Corey became president of the Manchester United Supporters' Mams' association, through which she campaigns vigorously for consumer rights and a woman's right to spell diminutives of the word mother according to her geographical location.