UnNews:Number of gay TV characters "still far behind number of gay actors and producers"

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8 October 2012

Legendary: both Neil Patrick Harris and Jim Parsons are light on their feet.

HOLLYWOOD, California -- Amid uproar among conservative Christian groups over the news that a record 4.4% of television characters in US are Friends of Dorothy, Hollywood insiders were quick to point out that the figure stills trails far behind the percentage of homosexual actors and producers in Tinsletown. It's called Tinsletown, for God's sake.

One heterosexual runner on Partners, who asked to remain anonymous but was a white male, about 25 years old with short shaven hair, said: "You guys don't know what it's like, living out there in Breederworld. That's what they call it you know, the rest of the world for them is a heterosexual cesspit. Did you ever watch the Larry Sanders Show? It's like Rip Torn said: 'It's not the Jews that run Hollywood, it's the gay Jews.' And he should know. One, that's where he got that stage name from, and two, after making that crack he ended up in Freddie Got Fingered."

Dr Joanna Corey, Professor in Sociology at California State University said that the oppression straight crew members face can lead to some acting gay. Corey claims that the results of the last Variety census, in which 68.7% of respondents described themselves as good with colors, were inflated by heterosexual wannabe stars who, despite not being of the lavender set, were ticking the box. Corey's book, Hiding Under the Rainbow Flag, details how, in the last 20 years, sexual politics in the town have been "flip-reversed with all the unseemly alacrity of a submissive waif in a homosexual porn audition." The last straw, apparently, was Will and Grace, a show featuring two gay men which was so anodyne and sexless, that high-ranking pillow-biters decided it was time to flex their (yoga and gym-toned) muscle.

Ironically, some of La-La-Land's most flagrant heterosexuals, such as John Travolta and Eddie Murphy, known locally as swordsmen who cut a swathe through the city's female talent, are attacked with homophobic smear campaigns. As Corey remarks, "Hollywood's gayness is an open secret, but it's still secret enough for them to bombard their enemies with accusations of behavior they positively revel in. They might as well be beating Travolta with a leather dildo and a DVD of Stonewall."

UnNews finally managed to collar a local gay producer, who, although a bit full of himself, was sassy and fun, the kind of person you do want to be around, just to revel in his lust for life. He met us for cock-tails, occasionally raising his eyebrow, biting his lip, and holding his tongue between his teeth suggestively, and told us, "Look, my darling. All of the Billy Grahams east of the 5 Freeway can get their panties in a bunch all they like. What is it? 4.4%? Honey, this is just the start. Expect that number to shoot up quicker than a love egg at a pilot show after-party."

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