UnNews:Man realises he holds penis with left hand

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

21 December 2012

Harness demonstrating his penis-handling technique, with the pink rubber representing his helmet.

BELFAST, Northern Ireland -- Twenty-four year old Graham Harness had a dramatic realisation yesterday, when he glanced down as he urinated, and noticed that he held his penis in his left hand, and not in his right, as he had thought his entire life.

"The thing is, I'm right handed," Harness said, "So I always assumed I held my cock in my right hand. When I washed my hands, I used to mostly wash the two palms, but then I thought one day, 'I don't wrap my hand right around my cock do I?' So then I started focusing on my fingers - that was when I was about 18. But today, just now in fact, I realised that I actually use my right thumb to keep my boxers out of the way, and hold my cock in my left hand between my thumb and forefinger, like a pencil. That's why I called you."

Harness' case is not as elementary as it may seem. A recent Global Hygiene Council survey showed that the world is full of dirty bastards just like him, and experts say that much of our filthy behaviour is unconscious. Dr Joanna Corey, professor of bacterial diseases at Queen's University, Belfast, told us: "The human eye is trained to follow movement, so a urinating man will almost always watch the stream of piss as it gushes from his helmet, either glorying in its strength, height, or being silently amused at his own careless aim. It's perfectly possible that a man could urinate his entire life without once considering where he puts his hands."

The good news is that Harness seems to have learned his lesson. After hanging up abruptly on us, he called back to explain: "I just went [to the WC] again, and this time I noticed that my right thumbnail was actually touching my balls a bit, so I gave that a little wash with the soap too. I've never washed my thumbnail after pissing before." Whether Harness' breakthrough will improve hygiene standards around the country is open to debate, but judging by his eagerness to inform us of every last detail, the Global Hygiene Council couldn't have picked a better man to carry its message of "Think about your dirty bits, and put soap on them" to the masses.

Sources

• Leverage, "Handwashing: Why are the British so bad at washing their hands?" BBC, Dec 21, 2012