UnNews:Armstrong to ride Oprah in next Tour de France

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
UnNews Logo Potato.png This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

9 January 2013

Armstrong: "We are taking cycling back to its origins - naked and biracial."

AUSTIN, Texas -- Disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong vowed to clear his name in an interview with Oprah Winfrey and the pair declared during the interview that they would be competing in the next Tour de France [1] - together.

"I spoke to Lance before the show," revealed Winfrey. "I have had my ups and downs too - I used to be more overweight, for example. I just want to do what I can to help him. I think he's a great American champion and I look forward to having him on my back."

"This is going to be the biggest challenge of my sporting career," added Armstrong. "Not only am I thirty-nine now, [2] I have no idea how Oprah works. She doesn't have any gears or brakes, but I am going to try to steer her by pulling her hair, and strap my feet to her legs, so when I pedal, she runs faster."

Despite the odds being against him, experts are giving him a fighting chance. Bookmaker Joanna Corey says, "Armstrong has proved in the past he will do what it takes to win - whatever he has to eat, sniff, inject, lick, rub in, absorb or anally ingest, he will do it. Sports pundits should write him off at their peril. Remember, he is a white American, he will have an instinctive feel for how to ride a black person into the ground."

The Tour itself has not yet commented on it, but riders opting to user human bicycles (or velomen in the original French) are not without precedent. Jamaican midget Winston Madfrey won a thrilling sprint in 2002 riding former 100m runner Donavon Bailey and in one of the first Tours [3] in 1901, a dying Toulouse-Lautrec famously tipped his hat to the cheering crowd at the Champs-Elysées as his butler stole the final stage from the overall winner that year, a certain Lance Armstong Sr.

Whether that famous old cyclist ever dreamed his grandson would follow in his footsteps by riding not a simple two-geared bicycle but a black billionairess through the streets of France is debatable, but one thing is for certain: if Armstrong does steer Oprah to victory, drug-riddled or not, he will be a hero to millions.

Foot pedal notes[edit | edit source]

  1. ↑ That means 'Tour of France' in English.
  2. ↑ I didn't bother to check this, but that's about right, isn't it?
  3. ↑ Don't pronounce the 's' in that, you grand prix.


Sources[edit | edit source]

Retrieved from "https://en.uncyclopedia.co/w/index.php?title=UnNews:Armstrong_to_ride_Oprah_in_next_Tour_de_France&oldid=5662007"