Arthur Schopenhauer

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Some believe Arthur Schopenhauer is nothing but a dead, depraved philosopher who has nothing better to do than to talk bad about his colleagues; the truth, however, is much worse.

“Fucking cunt played the flute didn't he?!”

“The great philosopher Schopenhauer taught me when I was seven that separateness is an illusion, and that I'm one with everyone--with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from "What's Happening!", The Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote "Catcher in the Rye," Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother--we're all one.”

~ Random Wedding Crasher

“Art and I... we were friends, then enemies... finally lovers; He was really into the master-slave dialectic”

Arthur Schopenhauer (or as his friends call him Schopen "Holla" or Schopen "Balla") (22 February 1788 – 21 September 1860) was not a German philosopher: he only posed as one. He was a Firefox programmer. He was dubbed a philosopher only after he refused the position of Chief Evangelist at Google. The position was later assigned to Vinton Cerf (this latter a philosopher indeed).

Life[edit | edit source]

Schopenhauer as a young student

Arthur Schopenhauer was born February 22, 9052 AG in a fremen sietch on the planet Arrakis, with its moons Fichte and Schelling, in the NGC 3982 galaxy. His village was called Thing-in-Itself. The civilization was well known for its pessimism and fatalism, due to an incoming comet that was predicted to hit the planet and its moons in 7 trillion years, though they did not practise asceticism. He was forced to eat food through his whole life, and forced to drink water from River Itself. But one day, after being ostracized from his small village for pushing a woman down a flight of stairs, Schopenhauer was so drained of his will-to-live that his denial led to his starvation a week later, in September 21, 1860251932. His body was later eaten by snakes. He was resurrected by the Cinderella Fairies and decided to voyage to Earth in a Spacing Guild Heighliner.

The first adventure of Schopenschnitzel was as a sugar cane producer on Brazil, Earth (well, I think). After making its first distillery, he shut-down due to the incredible low prices of ethanol after pro-alcohol shut-down (the petty attempt of the Brazilian Government to make cane-based cars).

He had ten wives, and one bastard soon founded a city named Arthur Schopenhauer in which the family later lived, due to the incredible low prices of the Brazilian lands during the colonial period. Since Schopenhauer was too hard for them to pronounce they called it Nogueira. The Aimore antropofagic indian tribe soon attacked the family of Schopenhauer and the city was abandoned.

Schopenhauer lost himself in the Brazilian wilderness, and found the miraculous land of El Dorado. In El Dorado, he received from the king a gold lamb, which made him rich when returning to Germany. People have suggested that Candide, as written by Voltaire, is a thinly-veiled account of Schopenhauer's love life during this time period.

Going back to Germany, (Earth yet), Schopenhauer married, but his wife cheated on him with the philosopher Hegel. This is the root of the ancient hate Schopenhauer had of Hegel.

Much admired by Nietzsche, he wrote on his behalf a book titled Microsoft Windows As Will And Representation which caused the unremitting rage of Steve Ballmer that my illustrious colleague has so justly reported at the beginning of this treatise.

However inconvenient it may have been for my illustrious colleague to start this essay revealing that industrial secret, it must be said that me and him have been insider traders since ever, and that we have written a book about this: The Secrets Of Insider Trading: From Schopenhauer to Steve Ballmer Bypassing That Idiot Of Nietzsche. It is arguably for this reason that our expertise in this department is so deep, that we were authorized to begin with so shocking a revelation: know-how comes with its privileges and fringe benefits. Now, it is true that an entry about Schopenhauer should not talk about its editors, but the fact is: do you really believe we are speaking of Schopenhauer here? If you do, you are Schopenaurian. Schopenhauer is rated 4 stars at Tucows, since Ballamer has succeeded in taking one star away from him, and has put it onto Windows Vista (By the way Ballamer was pissed-off because he said one time that Microsoft is not a Representation, but a Vista).

Schopenhauer died due to an overdose of stimulants, while on the toilet, on the day he wanted to mix all patterns of human experience into a simple and logical observation of something that I don't know about. Some people say it was simply the vengeance of Hegel, and that he put narcotics on its chucrutte.

Now you know all it takes to take your exam about Schopenhauer.

Famous quotes[edit | edit source]

“Now head off to Bedlam, before I knock you down some bloody stairs, you dimwit!”


“I´ll generate 10 million jobs!”

President Lula quoting Schopenhauer´s The PT as Will and Representation

“See you in hell, Hegel.”

Schopenhauer, reportedly his last words

Hasta la vista, baby

Hegel, at Schopenhauer´s funeral

“I should have founded Scientology instead!”


“The bullshit is strong in this one!”

Darth Vader on Schopenhauer

See also[edit | edit source]

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