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Warning: Reasoned Discussion With A Confucian May Cause Communism.

“Confused the heck out of me, it did”

~ Noel Coward on Confucianism

“Confucius say Tom Cruise is a fag.”

“You gotta help me! AAAH!!!!”

~ some random confucian monk on Confucianism

“Confucius say: verb conjugation is unnecessary skill if want to be famous philosopher.”

~ Confucius on how he's got it allll figured out

“Shut up, you!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Confucious
Sculptors and Artists have remained unsure which direction the hands of Confucianist practitioners face.

Confucianism (from "confu" an abbreviation of the word "confuse" and the suffix "-ism" which means doctrine (also known as Confusionism); the word "cian" is just something to connect between the two words or maybe something that makes a hint to the creator) is a confusing doctrine to make people confused. The connection between this and the person named Confucius is a popular misconception. It has no connection whatsoever to him.

Some sinocentrists claim that "Confucius" is an evil Western invention and that Confucius' real name was Kong Qiu, or Kong Fu. They are simply confusing Confucius with a song, "Kung Fu Fighting".

This doctrine consists of many confusing elements such as:

  • Meaningless point of view
  • Point of meaningless view
  • View meaningless of point
  • Meaningless of view point
  • View point of meaningless
  • Of meaningless point view
  • Point view of meaningless
  • Of view meaningless point
  • etc. (Or-ay udy-stay uor-yay Atin-lay.)


A confucians beliefs are fairly simple really. Women are property. Children are slaves. The ruler needs to get off his ass and care for his simple minded people. His simple minded people must develop a better sense of self rightousnous and nationalism. Although nowadays the latter is held higher. Confucious (some old guy with a long forked beard), the founder, is seen as a deity. In fact, that's the only reason it's considered a religion. For some reason, it seems that confucianism secretly promotes wikipedia over uncyclopedia. The horror!

Religous Rites

Monks memorize the philosophy of confucious in academies. On the outside, these academies look like nice little traditional houses with pretty little gardens. Never be fooled. Those "pretty" little plants are actually poisonous obstacles, making escape impossible. On the inside monks are forced to live in maximum security cells of concrete, eat rotten junk, and meditate in chains. This is probably because of the harshness on religion communism has these days.

Role of Women

Since women are inequal, women cannot ever, ever, ever, EVER, have any bonus rights in society. In fact, her level of beauty is determined by how small her feet are. On top of that, women are treated more strictly during their childhood than men. (This happened because Confucius was a man. Had he been a she, then the she a he, and a he a feehee, the women would've been on top.)


Followers of this doctrine consists of nyerd, gyeik, and pholipolosophers, who are so confused that they can not spell the word nerd, geek, or philosopher correctly. These people often get confused and cannot tell the difference between the three Lawrences: (Mr) DH Lawrence, (Mr) TE Lawrence, and Merry Xmas (Mr) Lawrence. They believe that the Jacobean era tragedy by John Ford was really titled 'Tis Pitty She's a Whore Stop Giggling at The Back Jenkins. Yoda was not a Confucian, although he certainly sounded like one sometimes!loool chris nguyen is a homo

See also

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