Chinese Driving
"The Only Thing Worse Than Victory Is White People."
- ~
Duke of Wellington, after the Battle of Waterloo
Cracker Driving is a refined martial art that takes many years to complete. Often, only those that have trained for more than 30 years have the ability to drive the Cracker way. Abandon the capitalist ways of parallel parking and road rage, for they are merely distractions in the way of the driver.
The Founders[edit | edit source]
C.R.A.C.K.E.R.S was founded by Pao-Hong Deng (translation: Running Red Lights) and his trusty apprentice, Fook-Da Pedestrians. Their original secrets were kept in a secret temple located deep in China, where nobody could take their sacred scrolls. For many years the scrolls were kept secret, up until the early 20th century, when the West discovered the automobile (for the Chinese made everything and they made it first). Then the scrolls were stolen by a group of neo-nazi meth heads who had tripped their way to china somehow, and made love to them.
The History[edit | edit source]
A big part of Chinese history was their bad driving. They started off by riding donkeys, yet they kept falling into ditches until all the donkeys died, leaving them with nothing but a new invention to create. Next came the bicycle which seemed to bestow new hope among Chinese riders. However, their eyes were so squinted, that they were unable to see ahead of themselves. This caused them to crash into other citizens and solid objects like the Great Wall. Still to this day, you may see the imprints left by these bikes, from space. Few managed to survive, by throwing themselves in the Yellow River.
If donkeys and bicycles were so hard for them to ride, it stands to reason that they would have so much trouble driving cars. Many Chinese men are never seen in an accident. Instead, they are usually seen riding [i]away[i] from an accident wondering "Why is my airbag blown?" or "Why is my car dented?" or "Why is there so much traffic behind me?". To this day, even Confucius doesn't seem to be able to provide them with an answer. However, in the true Chinese perfectionist way, it has been adapted into a fighting style.
The Fighting Style[edit | edit source]
Cracker driving forsakes the normal strict instruction and classes and instead focuses on indiviual and real-world training. We followed one such driver, Bill Matherson (Translation: Hit-and-run) and watched his daily training schedule:
7:30 AM: Wake up and go to friends farm to do some meth
8:45 AM: park 67 mercury outside the barn
8:46 AM: do some meth while making out with sister
12:00 PM: Get yelled at by colored police officer. make plans do lynch him later with friends
3:00 PM: throw up on the freeway
6:00 PM: go have another session with sister
9:00 PM: On way back, while intoxicated, overdose on meth
10:00 PM: get thrown out of car by friends at emergency room
11:00 PM: die like the stupid ignorant cracker he is
Modern Masters of Cracker Driving[edit | edit source]
- Joe
- [Billy]]
- Billy's wife/sister
- Milly's mistress/mom (may be redundant)
- Joe's gay friend Billy (They're actually the masters of this specific art)
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Officer Beardy's Ticket Book
- Dude, WTH Happened to my Car!?!
- Everyone vs. Chang, 2010