Great Firewall of China

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A smoldering house near the China–India border

“Nothing can get in, nothing can get out.”

~ Anon

The Great Firewall of China is an informal term used to describe a collection of smoldering houses located alongside the Chinese border. Initially constructed to repel American spies, the houses have unexpectedly repelled potential dissidents from using the Internet.

History[edit | edit source]

After Richard Nixon went into China to brag about Watergate to then Chairman Mao Zedong and Premier Zhou Enlai, the Chinese government realized that Nixon had planted spies near important landmarks disguised as North Korean soldiers. After the spies were swiftly sent to concentration camps, the government realized that they needed a cost-effective and efficient way to repel future spies. After several rounds of ideas, an eight-year old Chinese politician proposed that smoldering houses be placed alongside the border to repel American spies who, unless they lived in Pennsylvania, would be unable to tolerate the fumes.

Development on the houses began in 1974, with several rudimentary buildings being constructed before being set fire to. Initially scheduled to be completed by 1979, it would not be actually finished until 1994 due to some workers jumping into the houses to live there. Additionally, the ambitious project was sabotaged by starving locals, who ate many of the matches which were used to burn the homes. This resulted in an enraged Chairman Deng Xiaopeng to say, "This project better be worth it, or I'll send you all to concentration camps," in her singing voice.

When the firewall was complete, Xiaopeng would later congratulate the young politician, as the wall had repelled sixty American spies in its first month of operation. However, when the internet became popular, it also repelled Chinese dissidents and increased China's carbon footprint, allowing the Chinese government to brag at a United Nations meeting in 2001 that the wall was "killing two birds with one stone". By 2019, however, Chinese scientists had discovered that the firewall was shrinking in coverage at an alarming rate, due to global warming. The scientists stated that the wall could be completely destroyed by 2050.

Composition[edit | edit source]

The wall consists of smoldering houses, sprinkled across the border. These houses are primarily empty, but in modern times shady businessmen have used some of the houses as vaults for their reserves. Additionally, some locals put out the fires, using them as shelters for the poor. Some dissidents have created fireproof clothing and use them as bases to hide in.

Efficiency[edit | edit source]

Compared to that other wall this one actually works, which surprised the government. It has worked so well that the CIA says it was responsible for the loss of 25% of American spies, which surpassed the previous record of 15% held by disco. As a result, the CIA has been working 24/7 to develop some fireproof clothing that won't transmit heat. Many of these prototypes were tested but, as of 2024, the only way to cross the firewall is to have been born in a third world country.

Tourism[edit | edit source]

Sentimentalists[edit | edit source]

Despite being an unlikely source for tourism, people all across highly polluted areas like Pennsylvania tour the houses for nostalgic reasons. This has made it China's most lucrative side hustle after child labor. Additionally, the blazing embers from the homes can be manufactured into an alternative for cocaine, which is sold as opium.

Conservatives[edit | edit source]

Despite being vehemently against the Commies, conservative parents have used the idea of a firewall to fantasize about a world where the unwanted, the dangerous, and the vile are taken care of by being put into these homes, where they belong.

Liberals[edit | edit source]

Many liberals protest near the border but, due to the Chinese government's owning TikTok, most of them don't really accomplish anything other than increasing tourism. Those who aren't interested in protesting usually go to the border to either buy Opium or enter into the burning homes wet to simulate a sauna. The experience has been compared to pouring boiling hot water down your trousers.

See also[edit | edit source]