Great Pacific Cum Patch

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Now I got worry: one young traveler runs into trouble in a particularly dense part of the patch.

The Great Pacific Cum Patch, also described as the Pacific Spunk Vortex, is a gyre of ejaculate in the central North Pacific Ocean located roughly between 135°W to 155°W and 35°N and 42°N. The patch extends over an indeterminate area, with estimates ranging very widely depending on the degree of cumcentration used to define the affected area.

Despite its enormous size and density (4 particles per cubic meter), the patch is not visible from satellite photography, nor is it necessarily detectable to casual boaters or divers in the area. Until they swallow some.


SemenSeaman Apprentice Nathan Hastings, from Henry, Illinois, scans the surrounding area for a quiet spot from which he can contribute to the patch.

It is thought that, like other areas of concentrated semen in the world's oceans, the Great Pacific cum patch formed gradually as a result of sexually frustrated sailors beating off into the waves.

The practice, though much more common in the last 100 years, and reaching its zenith during WWII, is nothing new. Herman Melville wrote of it in Moby Dick:

"Squeeze! Squeeze! Squeeze! all the morning long; I squeezed that sperm till I myself almost melted into it; I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort of insanity came over me, and I found myself unwittingly squeezing my co-labourers' hands in it, mistaking their hands for the gentle globules. Such an abounding, affectionate, friendly, loving feeling did this avocation beget; that at last I was continually squeezing their hands, and looking up into their eyes sentimentally, as much as to say,—Oh! my dear fellow beings, why should we longer cherish any social acerbities, or know the slightest ill humour or envy! Come; let us squeeze hands all round; nay, let us all squeeze ourselves into each other; let us squeeze ourselves universally into the very milk and sperm of kindness.”

The cum patch occupies a large and relatively stationary region of the North Pacific Ocean bound by the North Pacific Gyre. The gyre's rotational pattern draws in all kinds of spunk from across the North Pacific Ocean, including coastal waters off North America and Japan. As material is captured in the currents, wind-driven surface currents gradually move floating baby-juice toward the center, trapping it in the region.

There are no strong scientific data concerning the origins of the jizz. The figure that an estimated 80% of the nut comes from North American sailors, 17% from Russians and a rather underwhelming 3% from Asians is derived from an unsubstantiated estimate. According to a 2011 EPA report, "The primary source of marine debris is the improper waste disposal or management of bodily fluids, including sexual ones ... This is generated at sea from fishing vessels, stationary platforms and cargo ships."

Pollutants range in size from 5'1" Japanese fishermen masturbating in two-man boats, to 6'9" Siberian GIs jerking it from the top of recently-surfaced nuclear submarines.

Estimates of size[edit]

Experts claim that the patch is the largest convergence of semen seen since your mother's bachelorette party.

The size of the patch is unknown, as large loads readily visible from a boat deck are uncommon.

Instead, the size of the patch is determined by sampling, although this is problematic because, as cum patch expert Dr Joanna Corey notes: "Most of it is not the kind of thing you would volunteer to sample. If it was the Great Pacific Chocolate Patch, things might be different."

Estimates of size range from 700,000 square kilometres (270,000 sq mi) (about the size of Texas - just imagine all those poor cowboys) to more than 15,000,000 square kilometres (5,800,000 sq mi) (0.41% to 8.1% of the size of the Pacific Ocean), equal to 702,456 Paris Hiltons.

Effect on wildlife and humans[edit]

A simplified version of the Spunk Circle, for use in schools.

Some of this long-lasting jism ends up in the stomachs of marine birds and animals, including sea turtles and the Black-footed Albatross.

Besides the particles' danger to wildlife, on the microscopic level the floating debris can absorb organic pollutants from seawater, including DDT, DVDA and BBCs.

This toxin-containing cum is also eaten by jellyfish, which are then eaten by larger fish, which are in turn consumed by humans, resulting in what scientists are now calling "the Spunk Circle".

The diagram on the left shows a simple depiction of the phenomenon, appropriate for use in schools. Benny the Bored Fisherman is shown stroking it, with the resultant semen firing out of his hands into the blue, unpolluted ocean. His produce is gobbled up by small marine animals - who are unwittingly slutting themselves out - which are then eaten by - unfortunately for us - rather more tasty fish, which are subsequently fished by Benny.

The World Health Organization issued a number of comic books, videos, and lesson plans for the world's school to teach children about the issue with Benny.

The long-term health implications of humans ingesting so much "recycled" sailors' semen is not yet known. The general scientific consensus is that it "can't be good", although the tiny minority of scientists with actual girlfriends occasionally try to suggest that semen is a good source of protein, or something dubious like that.

Attempted cleanups[edit]

Kleenex and GreenPeace collaborated on a rescue effort similar to Branson's, but unfortunately the tissue box in question went missing soon after the release of the first Kim Kardashian sex tape.

Because of the size of the cum patch, it is extraordinarily difficult to clean. There have, however, been several high profile attempts.

Richard Branson[edit]

In 2005, when the patch first began enjoying widespread media attention, Virgin magnate Richard Branson launched the first widely-publicised attempt to clean it up, by dropping a giant Kleenex from an air balloon onto the area.

Unfortunately, the tissue-structure was not strong enough, and soon became saturated. "Not for the first time, I thought one Kleenex would do the job, when really, it could have done with two or three," Branson reflected, ruefully.

Branson's attempt was criticised by ecologists, who claimed that the resulting headline, "Virgin fails to mop up cum properly", was misconstrued by people around the world who believed the story was about a teenage boy's lack of basic hygiene.

Leonardo DiCaprio[edit]

More recently, actor and eco-warrior Leonardo DiCaprio has traveled several times to the area, filming documentaries which promote the need for international collaboration. In one famous moment, DiCaprio actually dived into the patch and began swallowing some of its contents, before turning angrily to the camera and snarling, "I can't do this all by myself."

Ingesting the fluids seemed to set off a reaction in DiCaprio, and he suddenly reverted to character as Jack from Titanic. He looked forlornly at the camera and said, "You must... You must... You must do me this honour, you must promise me that you'll survive, that you won't give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless. Promise me now, Rose, and never let go of that promise." DiCaprio's head briefly sunk below the water, before he was rescued.

Curiously, the incident represented a turning point in his career, and he began to make decent movies afterwards. Quentin Tarantino, his director in Django Unchained noted that DiCaprio was "not the first star whose career got a boost after swallowing a load," and that "if it was good enough for Marilyn Monroe, it was good enough for him."

Roy Schneider[edit]

DiCaprio was not the only Hollywood actor to make a foray into the patch. Fellow star Roy Schneider actually died in 2008 during an expedition to the patch. His last words were said to be, "We're gonna need a bigger boat."

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