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Great Expectations, originally titled Low to No Expectations, was written in the late Stone Age by Charles Dickhead to tear down little children's hopes and dreams by forcing them to read the depressing novel in schools everywhere. The original language is similar to Ancient Egyptian and it is still printed in such a language. Little did Charles Dickhead know that his torturous novel wouldn't die out when the language he wrote it in became extinct. Instead, the ancient novel is still used throughout U.S. schools today as a way to teach kids that they'll never amount to anything. The government has dismissed this, claiming it's an exciting read and helps you become a better person.
Characters[edit | edit source]
Most of these characters are based off of real people in his life, the only one that isn't would be Estella. Charles never liked girls, he liked to "Chu Dick" better.
Phillip Pirrip[edit | edit source]
Pip is a worthless young boy whose parents died of depression when he was born. He radiated depression, and anyone who was not equally depressing is immediately killed or immediately kill themselves. Pip would be the character based from Charles life. He thinks he's going to be rich one day because he starts getting money from an unknown child molester, but when the molester reveals himself in real life, Pip gives it back. He never amounts to anything, and eventually takes on the same job as Charles in real life.
He attended Nascar events as a child, and there he met Jerry Sandusky, and became his best friend. They eventually married and lived happliy ever after.
Ms. HaviShamWow[edit | edit source]
A very depressing old lady, based off of Charles's teacher who never bathed, never moved, and never moved on from the death of her family and still sang birthday songs to them even if they were dead for quite some time. She also had a tendency to slip on ice into dishwashers. She caught fire when Charles tried burning her cave and died. This is referenced in his book. Havisham in the story: she only ate ham, because all she "hav is ham". She smelled like a retirement home, only condensed, and occasionally wet herself. When her pet monkey died she stopped all the clocks at the exact time and never left the house or moved on. She tricks Pip into liking her Barbie doll Estella pretending that Estella was a real girl and that Pip could marry her one day. Havisham eventually dies when Pip takes a flamethrower to her funeral dress that she wore when her monkey died. She just burned up. Fun, huh? She is an old rude ugly lady that is selfish and is just like my aunt!
Estella[edit | edit source]
Estella was the name of Ms. Havisham's Barbie doll that Pip fell in love with. She wasn't at all real, because Pip (aka Charles) doesn't like girls, but he's good at covering that up. Estella is constantly toying with Pip, taunting him because of what a loser he is. She even hits him across the head with a shovel a few times for the heck of it. Eventually she flat out tells Pip that he should go jump in a woodchipper, and he obliges. She then married her true life long love, Kent... They divorced one day later. Then Pip's ghost took a flame-thrower to them too. and we all know that he was just covering it up and he really does like boy toys.
Joe Gaygery[edit | edit source]
Joe is Pip's nanny, is based off of Charle's real-life cave nanny, and is more worthless than Pip Pip Cheerio. Joe is just as good as any other British nanny, and even has his own magic umbrella that can take him off to never-ever land. Joe can also do stuff with metal, but so can any average redneck so you could call him unemployed. Charles called him a blacksmith. They mean the same thing. Oh, and Joe can't read, but who in the world can read cave language? One day Joe tried telling Pip he was worth something and actually had expectations, but Mrs. Gargery knew this was a lie. She put him in a doghouse and crushed it with his own anvil. Very sad, and it turns out all Joe meant by expectations was that Pip could expect to be a blacksmith/unemployed. Oh well, he's dead now.
Mrs. Gaygery[edit | edit source]
Mrs. Gargery is an escaped ogre from the London zoo that appears to be related to Pip. In real life, Mrs. Gargery would be the big angry bear Charles adopted. Anyway, Joe, being the dimwit that he is, is tricked into marrying her when she told him that if she'd marry him she'd give him two rocks and that if he smashed them against his head he'd have great expectations. This obviously ruined Joe's capability to think at all and ruined his athletic abilities (it is a little known fact that Joe used to be star quarterback at LSU... bashing his brains out caused him some slight troubles). Eventually Mrs. Gargery gets tired of Joe trying to help Pip her younger brother, so she decided one day to put him in the doghouse he usually lives in, and smashed it with Joe's blacksmith anvil. Finally, in the last epic battle between ninjas, space pirates, the robot boy named Scout, and the mockingbirds, the beast was slain when they all joined hands under a rainbow and called on Captain Planet to save them. He came, and he won. (This is rare video from epic battle, as portrayed by Harper Lee's book, To Kill A Mockingbird. Captain Planet's story is unfortunately not told)
Mr. Faggers[edit | edit source]
Mr. Faggers is a former cat that got transfigured into a human by 'Arry Potter and just decided to stay that way. Voldemort didn't like cats, so it was safer to disguise himself as a lawyer in London. In Charles's life, Faggers was the President of the Creepy Society and collected drawings of dead people, just like the fictional Jaggers collected casts of peoples' faces who were hung. Anyway, in the book, Faggers tries to convince Pip that he has expectations and to come to London. It turns out Faggers was only working for the child molester, who was a 3rd Degree Master Mason of the Death Eaters, but that comes later. Jaggers only wanted to keep the molester's pimp-hand strong by bringing him Pip, so he did. In the end, like everyone else in the story, Jaggers died. He was blown up by the rocket attacks from Eurasia. Oceania was, after all, always at war with Eurasia.
Mr. Poopsle[edit | edit source]
The old guy who's the clerk of the church in small boys town. The church is only 2 by 2 metres and is constructed with no more than 10 bricks. He has to live in this. For some reason he is invited to the christmas party in which he eats all the food and consumes Mr. and Mrs. Hubble. He becomes extremely bloated and later on after the party he explodes, sending glass and rainbows into the eyes of everyone around him. He was going to become an actor in London but it was too late. His stage name was going to be Mr. Waldengarver. Meh... hes dead now so who cares...
Madbitch[edit | edit source]
Magbitch, also known as the convict and later reavealed to be Pip's benafactor, was based on popular R&B and funk singer Rick James whom Dickens met on one of his many trips to the 1970s.
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