Deng Xiaoping

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The most attractive woman ever.

Deng Xiaoping was a popular female Chinese singer who ruled the People's Republic of China 1976-1997 as Supreme and Awesome President-Dictator and General Hot Chick. She is also known as Deng Shopping because she encouraged the Chinese people to make money and go shopping. She was very well remembered for her "Four Modernizations" and sweet innocent voice which sang songs so mushy that even people who enjoy Lawrence Welk will find corny. However, being the only hot chick in China at that time in which it was not frawned on by society to stare at and, she drew many admirers and controlled China with her hegemony throughout her life. As a popular saying put it at the time, "Deng Xiaoping (the dictator) rules during the day, but Deng Xiaoping (the singer) rules during the night."

The Xiaoping re:forms[edit | edit source]

After Mao's tragic death in 1976, he sent a letter to Deng entitled "forms", regarding certain application Mao had made for medication. Unaware of Mao's death, Deng wrote back several letter to Mao entitled "re:forms". Unfortunately, due to the lack of english learning at the time, people wrongly thought these were Deng's 'reforms', which were actually separate: During the 1980's it was realised that very little private enterprise was happening in China. 'Xiaoping' is pronounced as 'shopping' in fact, and such the 'shopping reforms' (not to be confused with Mao's shopping re:forms, applications to various shops and purchases) of the 1980's were aimed at getting people to buy more from shops. This necessitated captalist measures which followed.

Singing Career[edit | edit source]

Deng Xiaoping actually began life as Deng Lijun, until he/she was castrated at the tender age of 2 weeks. His/her parents wanted him/her to spend the rest of his/her life as a eunuch, however the process of castration has left her with the side effect of a beautiful castrati voice. Winning many singing contests throughout all the province, her parents discovered that there was more money in exploiting her for her singing abilities rather than exploiting her ability to care for the emperor's harem. Thus began the career of one of the most successful singers in modern Chinese history.

At first she performed live in front of audiences, her parents being conservative and traditional believed that recording one's voice is "bad Feng Shui" and would cause discord with one's ancestors. However, like most Asian people, when economically lucrative deals came to Miss Deng her parents cast off their old beliefs as "silly superstititon" and went ahead with her career as a recorded singer. Deng Xiaoping was known for her love songs, one of the best remembered was,
I love you
You love me
We're a happy family
While these lyrics are tame and schmultzy by today's standards, they were considered extremely sexually explicit and edgy during her time. With popular songs such as these, she was propeled to become one of the most popular singers in China during that time.

Political Career[edit | edit source]

Despite her comfortable home in Taiwan, she was popular in the People's Republic of China from the beginning. Seeing this as a potentially large market for her songs, her manager sent her on a tour of the PRC in order to promote her work and fulfill the sick urges of love-lorn men who now will have a female pop star to think of as they satiate their natural urges. When she arrived in China the first audience she had was Mao Zedong, who immediately became enamored with her when she sung "Happy Birthday" in a now infamous occasion. Having being impressed by such a dulcet voice the impulsive Mao invited him into his political circle and promoted her to an honorary member of the Politboro. Mao had plans to make her his concubine, unfortunately for him though he died before that could happen. Mao's true wife, to whom he gave all his power to including the ability to be exceptionally cruel and cold-blooded, was highly unpopular with the military and just everybody else, so immediately after Mao's death she was deposed by the army. However there came to be a power vacuum, and the natural one to fill the vacuum was Deng Xiaoping, around whom the military ultimately rallied around as the new dictator of the proletariat.

Contrary to expectations Deng Xiaoping was a sane politician, and introduced the Four Modernizations from which China was to recover from the disasters created by Mao. They were Modern Dance, Modern Music, Modern Fashion and Modern Hygiene. With these four reforms, China broke its bounds from its oppressive Soviet-era appear to a chic, cool and hip nation of young cool hip yuppies who are self-absorbed with their materialistic lifestyle. During her time she invigorated the economy of China, which proved to the rest of the world that under the same economic circumstances, Asian people could also be as overfed and lazy as Americans.

Deng Xiaoping was known for both her ability to melt the heart of any straight man with her voice while at the same time crush his balls with her stiletto heels. In fact that is what she did to a few political opponents who couldn't be assuage to her position. She is the only dictator to actually have an iron fist, because when doctors discovered her carpal tunnel syndrome the doctors decided to replace it with a bionic hand.

Deng Xiaoping died of an asthma attack in 1995, although it has been argued whether it was an asthma attack or her lungs were rebelling against her cruel and unusual ways. The legacy of Deng is still under discussion, with views from both sides. While she did have a wonderful voice and brought China out of the trauma of the Great Leap Forward, she was also criticized by the way she dealt with dissident and the opposition, which was singing at such a high tone that their heads explode. However, her contribution were generally considered to be positive, as she opened the repertoire of Chinese music up to rock and roll, roll and rock, gangster rap and emo.