HowTo:Mail a Letter

No, I mean... Yeah, they don't match, but that doesn't mean they're bad, per se...

Socks! Wow, Jenny, wow... Thank you!

Yeah.

Nah, I need new socks! I'm down to a few pairs myself...

Thank you so much! ...Really.

Oh, god, I've got to mail her a letter saying thanks now, don't I.

Crap.

Step 1: Write the Letter

A thank you note for socks? It's like Christmas with Aunt Judy all over again.

Dear Jennifer,

Thank you very much for your gift of a three-pack of socks. They will be very helpful in keeping my feet warm, which is a very important quality in modern society. You have made my birthday all the more pleasant.

Sincerely,
Richard

God, I hate her so damn much.

Step 2: Find an Envelope

I need to organize this place. God.

Alright, I just bought a box of these, like, a month ago. I couldn't've gone through a hundred in a month. Where the hell is it...

That's not it... Nope. Nope. No--

Why do I have square envelopes? When would I use square envelopes?

I gotta clean this drawer out some--

ah, okay. Yeah, I knew I had a box of these somewhere.

Step 3: Write the Address

God, I hope I spelled Conroy right.

Jennifer Conroy, 213 Winter-- or is it 123? 312? Where's the phone book?

Okay, 132 Winter Street, Ludlow-- Street? Is it street?

Dammit, I closed the phone book.

Conroy, Conroy, Conroyyy...

Road. Great. 132 Winter Road, Ludlow, MA, 01056.

Dammit, return address.

Richard Timber, 61 Costal Street, Ludlow, MA, 01056... okay. Fine.

Step 4: Find a Stamp

I need you, stamp. Need you bad.

Where are my stamps? I could've sworn I had some.

Are they with the envelopes, or...

No. I have no stamps. Dammit.

I never talk to her anyway. I could just blow her off and not lose anything of value.

Ah, fine, whatever.

Step 5: Buy a Stamp

I'm never going to use 19 of these.

What the hell do you mean I can't buy one?

I just want one! I don't need twenty!

Well, how much is it?

$8.20?! ...Fine! Just... here.

Oh, yeah, have a nice go fuck yourself.

dick.

Step 6: Affix the Stamp

GODDAMMIT.

Had to buy twenty of these stupid forever stupid fucking stamps... I--

FUCK!

...fuck. Other way... it...

fuck.

Step 7: Find another Envelope

Where the hell did I put the box?

Just... goddammit.

Hell, I'll settle for those square ones again.

Step 8: Write the Address Again

Christ.

Jennifer Conroy, 132 Winter Road, Ludlow, MA, 01065--

SHIT.

Shit in a goddamned hat.

You know what, she's a bitch. She can go to hell for all I care. Who buys a guy a three-pack of socks for his motherfucking birthday? Just...

I...

Fuck it, I'll call her.

See Also

• Seriously, just get me a gift card to Old Navy or something
• That's better than socks, man

References

• Where the hell did the socks go, anyway?

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