Old Navy

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A typical ship of the Old Navy.

“The Old Navy is like having a bad rash. You probably got it from the whore.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Old Navy

The Old Navy was the navy that we used to have back in the day. You know, back before these damn kids and their rock and roll music. The Old Navy was later replaced by the New Navy, which is most often just called "the Navy." The most notable aspects of the Old Navy were its easily sinkable ships and its trendy wardrobes, inferior to those available in the Banana Republic (more commonly known today as Latvia).

History[edit | edit source]

The primary method of maritime military transit before the creation of the Old Navy.

Prior to the creation of the Old Navy, militaries usually just traveled the oceans by riding on a dolphin on a tricycle. This proved ineffective for ancient Greek naval warfare, as the Greeks became too occupied trying to find ways to have anal sex with the dolphins. The solution to the problem went unsolved for thousands of years, but not over 6,000 years - as the world isn’t that old.

The Old Navy was founded by Christopher Columbus in 1491 to give credence to the madcap idea that the Earth was "round." This dogmatic notion was later proven incorrect. The only other official member of the Old Navy at the time of its founding was Donald Duck, but he was unable to assist Columbus in his time of need due to the fact he had not been born yet. Eventually Donald was born, but by that time Columbus was dead and the point was moot. Donald Duck would go on to become one of the most famous historic naval figures of all time, before falling out of favor and becoming a homosexual communist subversive.

A rare portrait of an Old Navy ship not sinking.

The first ships of the Old Navy were named after Columbus’s three stripper wives: Nina, Pinta and Santa Clause Marina. The first two ships sunk, as did most boats in the Old Navy. The latter of the three ships fell off the side of the Earth, and is believed to be orbiting the Moon.

In time, the primary purpose of the Old Navy became fighting pirates. As pirates are still around today and the Old Navy is not, we can tell who won that war. One of the most devastating blows to the Old Navy came during the "Scurvy" War, when pirates learned the secret cause of a disease that had long plagued them and found a cure in the consumption of semen. Despite this fact, some antiquated remnants of the Old Navy still exist, and are found mostly hiding in suburban malls.

Failure of the Old Navy[edit | edit source]

An Old Navy ship falls victim to the goddamn Bermuda Triangle.

One of the primary flaws of the Old Navy was the fact that its ships were designed to be water-soluble. This fact resulted in the loss of numerous fleets again and again. Lord Fellatio Nelson once tried to justify this Old Navy failure by inventing the term "submarine" to describe sunken ships as "just doing important underwater business."

Another contributing factor to the end of the Old Navy was the fact that its garish uniforms attracted middle class teenagers with attempting to be hip. A vastly annoying advertising campaign highlighting the Old Navy’s clothing featured Morgan Freeman, Lil Kim Jong-Ill, as well as the Jeffersons – Sally “Weezie” Hemmings and Thomas. The association between these fruity clothes and the Old Navy led to an association with homosexuality that remains to this day. In fact, the modern navy retains the same association. Although some scholars argue that this association could also be due Donald Duck's famed naval homosexuality, the fact that navies are large groups of men who spend months together at sea with no women around, and the fact that navy guys are totally gay.

The HMS Bounceout was sunk by seagull poop, the leading cause of ship diasters.

Eventually, the Old Navy was replaced in by the New Navy when newfangled “non-sinking” vessels were created. In actual fact, vessels of the New Navy do sink, but not at rates anywhere as near as high as the Old Navy. This fact is often attributed to the use of new materials such as metal instead of the traditional Old Navy materials of paper, sugar cubes, hoodie fleeces, and those fucking Fourth of July flag tees. You know the ones I'm talking about, right?

The last of the ships in the Old Navy was the HMS Bounceout. Today, in the era of the New Navy, far more sophisticated vessels are used. These include the USS Gratuitous Anime Panty Shot, and the H.M.S. Invisible.

See Also[edit | edit source]