Kim Jong-il

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Don't be hatin' the Ilmatic!

“I told you I was ill!”

~ Kim Jong-il on his deathbed

Kim Jong-il (born Yuri Arsenovich Kim; 16 February 1941 – 17 December 2011; also known as Kim Jong-tha-illest, Kim Jong-dead, King Kong-il or Kim Fatty II, North Korean: 우리 두 번째로 위대한 지도자이자 모든 한국의 원수; South Korean: 곱슬 머리를 가진 북한의 악의 독재자) was the supreme leader of North Korea (also incorrectly known as DPRK) from 1994 to 2011, and prolific North Korean rapper. He was also seen having tea with Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein (who sold Kim diesel truck engines to power his missiles). He cheated on his father (Kim Il-sung was a direct descendant of Confucius.←period) and founded the DPRK (Dear Princess Rose of Kamehameha). During his long reign, the North Korean constitution was amended to refer to Kim Jong-il only as the "Supreme Leader", the "Generalissimo", "Dear Leader", "His Excellency", "The High Holy", "The Almighty", "The Modern Adonis", "The Dragonborn", "Mr. Kim", and particularly "My PayPal". His leadership of the country ended on December 17, 2011, when he choked on a hot dog.

While lambasted for his seemingly harsh style of rule, those close to him have been reported to say he was a gentleman, soft-spoken and modest to a fault. His greatest passions in life were the Hollywood film industry, his rapping career, and his three children, Kim Jong-un, Kim Jong-deux and Kim Jong-brad.

Early Life[edit | edit source]


Raised the eldest boy in North Korea's political dynasty, it was his father's hope that Kim Jong-il would quickly take to the idea of becoming Kim Il-sung's successor, should anything happen that would cause North Korea's immortal leader to perish. Much to his disappointment, Kim Jong-il took little interest in the family business, instead being drawn to the arts. While taking comfort that other Successful Leaders had had an early interest in the arts, Kim Il-sung allowed Kim Jong-il to satisfy his artistic urges while grooming his brothers to take power, should Kim Jong-il prove to be too much of a pansy for a leadership role.

Kim Jong-il explored many arts, but found himself especially drawn to Hollywood movies. He began filming his own movies at age 11 and, thrilled with the response from each of the two critics he showed them to, he continued making movies for the rest of his life. Kim Jong-il still holds the record for the most North Korean Academy Awards won by a single person.←period

Il rry.jpg

Ascension to Power[edit | edit source]

When Kim Il-sung's immortal life was mysteriously drawing to an end, he was still unsure about which of his sons should take up his position as North Korea's leader. Kim Jong-il was still pursuing his career in the arts, having made no rousing putsches in any beer halls like more promising young leaders had at a similar age. He was thus not considered a viable option. Kim Il-sung decided to send each of his other sons, Kim Jong-elle, Kim Jong-vous and Kim Jong-nous, on a secret quest in order to ascertain which of them was worthy of the position as leader of North Korea and future ruler of the entire Korean Peninsula!!! Sadly, none of the brothers returned from the quest alive.

Being Kim Il-sung's only remaining son, Kim Jong-il was expected to take up the iron throne when his father passed away.

Kim Il-sung be pimpin' hard.

Rapping career[edit | edit source]

Now in position as the sole leader of North Korea and the God of his people, Kim Jong-il used this leverage to launch his musical career under the Ilmatic moniker. His first full length album, Heaven for Da OGs is the best-selling album and one of the only three musical releases to date (beside his later album Ilmatic: The Story of Kim and Led Zeppelin IV), which is dedicated to his late father. His final album before his death, titled Ilmatic: Story of Kim is a concept album about his family's rise to power and a intricate study on their holiness and greatness.

Jong-il's flow is the most recognized for his revolutionary use of his Korean accent, replacing his L's with W's R's. Besides the story-line within his final album, Jong-il's lyrics focus heavily on his lifestyle – which is, admittedly so, heavily influenced on his father's, who was a "pimpin' MF". He also wrote multiple songs for prolific American and Yugoslav rappers. He justified writing for American musicians by saying "... the grind is universal, cuz."

One, two, three and to the four
Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at the door
Ready to make an entrance so back on up
'Cause you know we're 'bout to rip shit up
~ Jong-il's writings in "Nuthin' But a 'G' Thang", performed by Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre

Leadership style[edit | edit source]

Kim Jong-il has been viewed over the last few decades as the dangerous and corrupt dictator of a suffering country. This view of the North Korean leader has persisted throughout his reign, despite the evidence put forth to the contrary. The refusal of the corrupt non-North Korean media to accurately portray the realities within the country was the subject of one of Kim Jong-il's first ventures into film. 2001's "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" was a nationwide hit, winning Kim Jong-il his eleventh, twelfth, and thirteenth North Korean Academy Award for writing, directing and starring in the film. It featured him as a determined North Korean Journalist who, with the help of a young hacker, exposes the reality of North Korea's high standard of living and quality of life to the rest of the world. (Not to be confused with The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, a film in which a financial journalist who, with the help of a young hacker, helps to solve a silly murder mystery and expose a corrupt financier to the rest of the world.)

Wall 25.JPG

Achievements[edit | edit source]

  • Second coolest dictator without a moustache
  • Asian rapper (I'm a Korean)
  • Voted "most likely to become an evil dictator" in high school
  • Most Asian dictator ever

Kim Jong-Il founded the North Korean Academy for Motion Picture Arts and Sciences in 1996. He remained the sole member of the academy from the time of its formation to his death. He has also won the majority of the awards. The only other person to win a North Korean Academy Award was James Franco for his performance in 127 hours. A representative of the Academy commented that "After seeing Franco in 127 Hours, The Dragonborn Kim Jong-il was so astounded with the performance that he refused to make a single film that year which would compete with Franco's. He's always been a Franco fan."

Death[edit | edit source]

North Korea's photoshop at its best

Kim Jong-il is known to have a short fuse, and being electrocuted is no big joke for him. He was just inspecting a crucial power plant project and touched a live wire, and got electrocuted. Before he died, he was so angry at how the workers were not following safety procedures and got a severe heart attack. When Kim died, a fierce snowstorm "paused" and "the sky glowed red above the sacred Mount Paektu" and the ice on a famous lake also cracked so loud that it seemed to "shake the Heavens and the Earth".

His death got him a promotion to Dae Wonsu (usually translated as Generalissimo, literally Great Marshal), the nation's top military rank from the bottom since he has never served in the army. In his honour, those who genuinely adore him and love his father got a prize known as the Order of Kim Jong-il, with only the top 132 applicants got the award. Those who received it on stage plunged into hell when Kim Jong-un, his son, who was giving out the awards, pulled the lever.

Theories of death[edit | edit source]

A recent theory to be advanced is that Kim Jong-il died of a broken heart. He had been a major Elizabeth Taylor fan, and given the close proximity of their deaths, conclusions have been drawn to the effect that Kim lost the will to live after her demise.

"In communist North Korea, dead animal kill you."

Another theory of his death states that he finally realized how much of a shithole his country was, so he just committed suicide. But still, the most popular theory is that Kim Jong-il took a cold medicine which made him dead cold.

Obama has claimed that, along with Osama bin Laden, he personally shot the shit out of the Dear Leader.

It has also been theorized he faked his death so he could become a bear on unicycle in a Russian traveling circus just like his great-grandfather Kim Jong the Illest.

Gallery[edit | edit source]

Further reading[edit | edit source]

  • Error on call to Template:cite web: Parameters url and title must be specifiedAssociated Press (June 30, 2009). .
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