Finno-Korean hyperwar

Finno-Korean Hyperwar
Clockwise, from top left: The Battle of Siberia, The Siege of Helsink, The Sack of Gangzhou, Emperor Kim II-Sung I Hwan, at the activation of the Giza Mass Autism Array, Battle of Al-Batukum, Battle of Amba-tublu, the Ozymandite-hwan battle of doggerland
Date 8245-6172 BC (2073 years) Location Finland, Russia, Crimea, Central Asian Steppes, Lemuria, Proto-Finnic Mediterranean colones, The Levant, Egypt, Sri Lanka, Indochina, China, Siberia, Korean Peninsula, Outer Space. Result Departure of the Nephilim, (c. 8000 BC) Disappearance of Lemuria Hwan Civil War, (6201-? BC) Imperial Defeat: Collapse of the Hwan Empire, Hwan Civil War Indo-European Rebellion, (c. 6000 BC) "Third Neanderthal Genocide" Japan moves 2000 miles west The Great Retardation, (c. 5000-3000 BC) Mel Brooks Defeated: Retard influence confined to Israel The Sinking of Doggerland Collapse of the Finnish Khaganate, Complete loss of Finnish Social skills War on Autism led by Mr. Shit begins in Finland and spreads globally The War on Autism, Finnic Theater Ongoing Territorial changes Partition of Proto-Finnish Khaganate Hwan Africa ceded: King Wewuz I. Hwan Asia split into many independent kingdoms.
Belligerents
Great Hwan Empire	Proto-Finnic Holy Roman Khaganate Commune of Lemuria
Commanders and leaders
Joseon the Bold Ching-Chong Nipnong Girls' Generation (SNSD) Jackie Chan (holding infant in ladder factory) Obi-wan “Ken” Kenobi Gaius Julius Caesar (Until 7957) Van Darkholme Dungeon Slave Master	Spurdo Spârde I Spurdo Mr. Shit I Spârda Spardo I Spurdo Spürdo Sparde II Spurdo Fred McFeely Rogers Genghis Khan Gaius Julius Caesar (After 7957) nge‘=olawiop of Lemuria Tiemo (disputed) John Helldiver
Strength
In total: 121,400,000 at peak ~500 Imperial Jedi Knights 20,530 Augmented Cavalry The Great Imperial Starfleet ~300 Korean Proto-Ninjas Jackie Chan	In total: 110,000,000 at peak ~2100 Ursine Cavalry 32,500 Pre-Horse Archers John Helldiver Lemurian Fleet, Sol Div. ~2500 Swiss Mercenaries A Tyrannosaurus Rex A Battle Mammoth
Casualties and losses
200 Jedi Knights 786 guys named Daniel Jackie Chan (Rush Hour 4 cancelled) John Halo 400 knights and 80,000 soldiers captured, imprisoned underneath Giza Autism Array Precise number of dead unknown, estimates are the following: Military: 190,000,000 Civilian: 3,600,000,000 Imperial Starfleet vaporized Hwan Empire collapsed Jedi Order in Heijo-Kyo, Gyeongju, and Xianyang annihilated 12 Xenomorphs Approximately 3 inches of average penis length	Confirmed losses: ~40.000,000 dead, 12 wounded Estimated Losses: Military: 184,000,000 Civilian: 4,100,000,000 Lemurian forces disappear from Earth Proto-Finnic Khaganate partitioned, then dissolved Finnish social skills

The Finno-Korean Hyperwar, also known as the Hwan-Suomi Hyperwar, was an ancient war between the two most powerful empires in the world at the time. The Proto-Finnic Holy Roman Khaganate faced off against the Great Hwan Empire in a cataclysmic conflict that crashed the world with no survivors. Few groups survived the war, which claimed both the Proto-Finnic Khaganate and the Hwan empire. It is well known for bringing the end of the Hyper Era and bringing the world into a "dark age". The war was fought from between 8245 - 6172 BC. It is commonly debated how great of a role the secondary powers played in the war, as it is suggested that the Wewuz, Kang and Shied technocracies allied with the Hwan to stop the Finnish. The war is usually said to have begun with the Hwan invasion of Finnish India and ended with a mutual exchange of experimental Hyperspace missile strikes that caused levels of man-made destuction unparalleled across the known multiverse to this day, complete breakdown of all Hyperspace travel and communication due to the emergent Hyperstorm and rapid decline and collapse of both empires, although the Hwan are considered to have been technically victorious Followed by the outbreak of autism by the last emperor of the Hwan Empire, Emperor Kim Il Sung before he end his life, after a civil war, leading to the Finno-Autistic War until now.

The Emu confederacy is also considered a belligerent in the war, though they were not allied with the Finnish and merely invaded Japan. Most of what we know about the Emu faction comes from the writings of Arthur Semenitis. He writes of how the Emu confederacy colonized Mars, but unfortunately their colony was destroyed by a sonic flare gun from the nether regions of the Lemurian Empire. Semenitis (native to Emu Mars) is said to have contracted mental illness later on his life from excess exposure to radioactive sonic rays.

Start

8000 to 6000 years ago.

If the Turan or Ural-Altaic hypothesis is to be believed, it is likely that the (Uralic) Finnish Empire and the (Altaic) Korean Empire were closely connected before the war. The war could then be a large-scale civil war. On the other hand, it is equally possible that the similarities were due to the massive shifts in territorial control caused by the war.

The Hwan polity is known from the highly-credible historical Korean text Hwandan Gogi, though the ancient Koreans appear to have a longer "year" compared to ours (much like their phalluses). The Finnish side only claims the existence of a united "Turan" empire, possibly the same as Finngolia. One explanation of this situation is that the Hwan was a secessionist faction.

Middle

7000 years ago

Many scholars don’t know much about the middle of the Finno-Korean hyperwar. However, some of them have theorized that members of the Nephilim came and battled the Hwans in doggerland. During this time John Helldiver had rose to power supporting the Finnish army against the Hwans. Eventually John Helldiver had met John Halo who was a Hwan spy at the time. Eventually John Halos identity was revealed leading to John Helldiver to assassinate John halo in Central Russia during an expedition. This event lead to the Hwans to ramp up military activity in that region. In response to the spying of the Hwans the Finnish deployed Null Mines that could open up Null Zones around that area causing enemies to noclip into the backrooms. These Null Mines proved very effective though the Hwan soldiers that were sent to the backrooms began to establish a military presence in the backrooms that outlasted the hwan empire. A hundred years after the assassination of John Halo the Hwan empire began attempting to contact members of the Hwan empire from the future through they accidentally opened a portal to hell. The hellish forces invading the land where gobi desert is causing it to be permanently scorched. The demons went on to found Detroit.

End

After the collapse of the Hwan empire, the Proto-Finnic Khaganate withdrew soldiers from Asia to fight the War on Autism and ADHD. The Khaganate was unsuccessful, and Autism consumed and collapsed the empire while ADHD started a new revolution that would eventually lead to the creation of Brazil. From the ashes of the two empires gave rise to later civilizations. Asia, now depopulated, gave rise to many branches of peoples. Europe, now demolished by autism, was eventually repopulated by Indo-Europeans starting with the ancient Greek civilizations, then the Roman Empire, then other shit. Eventually leading to the Modern Era.

There is some controversy as to how and when the war ended. Some people argue that the wars between Rome and Parthia, the crusades, the Mongol conquests, World War 1, and World War 2 are continuations of the Hyper War. Additionally, the war on Autism is arguably still ongoing in Finland.

Linguists in the 1800s have picked up some similarities between the Uralic languages (which includes Finnish) and Altaic languages (which includes Korean). It is possible that this Ural-Altaic similarity is an artifact of this ancient event. Turanist movements in many countries memorize legacies of the two empires.

Aftermath

Timeline about all the different amounts of time between now and then.

The Hyperwar Aftermath and the Rise of Proto-Indo-Europeans

In the aftermath of the catastrophic Hyperwar, Earth was transformed into a desolate hyper-wasteland. This apocalyptic event caused the collapse of many Old Powers, civilizations that had once dominated the planet. Amid the ruins, two new groups emerged: the Proto-Indo-Europeans and the Hyperboreans, descendants of the genetically-engineered creations from Yakubian Laboratories. The Hyperboreans, originating from the labs of the ancient scientist Yakub, were among the most advanced of these early beings.

The Proto-Indo-Europeans spread across the planet, settling in various regions and establishing new primitive societies. In this post-Hyperwar world, several states found success. Among them were the space-faring Harrapans, led by Mahapasas IV, the secretive Jinn city of Iran, and the Boreal realm of Hyperborea. The latter was populated by pale, blonde giants and ruled by a Holy Khaganate, which mirrored earlier Proto-Finnic kingdoms like the Holy Roman Khaganate. However, the most notable of these realms was Agartha, a subterranean kingdom governed by a confederation of multiple races.

The Extraterrestrial Invasion and Human Subjugation

This nascent human civilization was interrupted by an invasion of extraterrestrials, who arrived from distant parts of the galaxy. These advanced alien species sought to dominate the technologically primitive realms of Earth. Fierce, desperate wars ensued, but despite human resistance, most of humanity was enslaved by the extraterrestrial invaders.

Among the most malevolent of these alien overlords were the Centurions, shape-shifting telepathic reptilian beings from Alpha Centauri. These Centurions, along with other alien races, gained control of Earth's recovering technology and used it to solidify their dominance. For a time, the planet languished under their reign, and technological advancement was dictated by the whims of these cunning alien masters.

The Destruction of Maldek and the End of Alien Dominance

The extraterrestrial era came to a violent end with the destruction of the planet Maldek, which had been embroiled in a massive nuclear Kaiju War. This war not only obliterated Maldek, but also the planets Nibiru, Darwin IV, Krypton and Tiamat. The fallout from this conflict unleashed lethal radiation throughout the solar system, killing all life except for humans. Humans were spared due to the intervention of the Maldekians, who had become second-order beings capable of soul transference. The souls of Maldek's inhabitants were transferred to Earth, drawn by its compatible biome.

With the collapse of Maldek and the resulting devastation, many of the alien forces abandoned Earth, leaving behind their slaves and plundering Earth’s resources. This exodus led to technological regression, with human civilization reduced to Stone Age conditions. Alien hybrids and remnants of the alien overlords struggled for survival, fighting over ancient relics of advanced technology.

The Arrival of Maldekian Survivors and the Rise of Atlanteans

Humanity's barbarism persisted until the arrival of Maldekian survivors, who came in massive generation ships. These refugees brought knowledge and technology that helped lift Earth out of its dark age. Eons later, the highly advanced Atlantean civilization emerged, ushering in a new era of progress. The Atlanteans, a sophisticated hybrid race, coexisted with the Muans, who inhabited the continent of Mu.

A technological renaissance followed, as the Atlanteans and Muans shared advancements in science, magic, and industry. However, this golden age was short-lived. A brutal Kaiju war erupted between the Muans and Atlanteans, culminating in an unknown cataclysmic event that caused the entire continent of Mu to sink into the ocean.

The Fall of Atlantis and the Legacy of the Anunnaki

In the aftermath of this disaster, the Atlanteans retreated to their island homeland of Atlantis, where they ushered in a new golden age. Their mastery of technomancy became so advanced that they soon fell into hedonism and decadence. Disgusted by their depravity, the gods of Olympus intervened and sank Atlantis into the ocean.

Despite their fall, the Atlanteans left behind many colonies, which eventually evolved into independent kingdoms. The most technologically advanced of these post-Atlantean civilizations was pre-diluvian Babylonia, ruled by the god-like alien refugees from Nibiru, known as the Anunnaki.

The Anunnaki were powerful extraterrestrial beings who sought to uplift Earth’s inhabitants by exploiting them for labor. They manipulated early humans to create a race of workers for their mining operations, including a race of giants to haul massive loads. Their technological prowess reached heights thought impossible, allowing them to alter reality and command the natural world.

However, the Anunnaki's ambitions faltered after a fateful discovery: a Finno-Korean fossil, which revealed secrets from a long-forgotten past. Fearing the implications of this discovery, the Anunnaki triggered a cataclysmic event. They melted Earth’s glaciers, causing a global flood that wiped out most of humanity. After this great deluge, the Anunnaki retaught the survivors agriculture and ordered them to rebuild their fallen megastructures.

Upon completing their tasks, the Anunnaki left Earth, promising to return in the distant future. According to legend, their return is tied to the Mayan Long Count Calendar, signaling a new age for humanity.

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  Mel Brooks at the battle of the Nile, moments before being vaporized by Meso-Babylonian Cyborgs

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  Autismic dissident Jesus Christ banished to deep space in the Palestinian Cryo Capsule.

Further reading

• Other instances of the page: goosnav, /his/pedia (archived), He-Gabe Fandom
• Surprisingly coherent reading of the top image by MasterOfRoflness, some dude on TouYube.
• KnowYourMeme page, which is also somehow coherent.

PERRRKELE!!

The Not-So-United States of Korea