Underground

Oyster card: Eight magic beans, for a cow? You think you're the shit, don't you?? Nah.

The London Underground not to be confused with the London Underground is the world first and oldest Underground system. It probably wasn't constructed by about 300,000 moles or just one fucking huge one, but about 300,000 men known as workmen, all of whom would most likely be dead by now. Later, Undergrounds were set up in all the major cities of the world, apart from Delhi.

Underground Overground

The Underground was set up as a front for the Wombles' baby recycling scam, the main entrance is located on Wimbledon common. Victorian ladies were enticed in with promise of a machine that would show you pictures of boobs and buttocks for a penny. While visitors were ogling the peep-show their babies were confiscated and sold on E-bay (previously known as the London Stock Exchange). When accused of unethical business practices as senior womble gave the following statement:

Branded like a pig

“We're just making good use of the things that we find, the things that the everyday folk leave behind.”

~ Uncle Bulgaria on Corporate responsibility

Undeground Economy

When people realised they could make babies by making sweet love, the business ran into trouble so the Wombles branched into drug dealing, prostitution and general racketeering. To keep up with demand for the fruits of the underground the Wombles expanded their premises, gradually tunnelling a vast network that extended from the bright lights of Tooting as far as the back room of a corner shop in Finsbury park.

Underground Branding

Next the 'Underground' brand was franchised out to various crews of hoods, often to competing gangs. This sparked several turf wars including the French Revolution, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and World War II. These vicious battles raged until the invention of Soundsystem clashes and breakdancing, which were used to settle disputes. So was born Underground music, which was later re-branded as 'Dance music' when it started appearing in the sex shops from Soho to Amsterdam and Hamburg.

Mind the control

The Gap: A chain clothing outlet

The London underground has made major contributions in the field of psychology. The London Transport psy-ops department is located at 'Station X', the last stop on the northern line. The work at station X is done by women as Scientific studies have proved conclusively that women have a higher capacity for mental torture than normal people. The phrase 'Mind the gap', which was created at station X has the following practical applications:

• Commuters are subtley hypnotised by the suggesting that there is a gap in their minds which needs to be filled.
  • Later additional phrases such as 'Stand clear of the closing doors' and 'Please do not leave luggage unattended on the platforms, as it may removed and destroyed', which also have the function of suggesting a mental vacuum to the unsuspecting tube jockeys.
• The constant repetition of these mantras and the illusion of missing mind content they engender leaves the traveller defenceless against the barrage of advertising which fills the tube system.
  • This benefits everyone as the affected individual becomes aware that they desperately want products and services they may never have considered before, or have considered and rejected because they do not need them or think they are overpriced.
• The advertising spaces are all highly lucrative and generate the majority of London Transport's income.

Get Down

Many inventions and products were invented tested on the mutants of the Underground before being released into the wider world...

• Gin Palaces
• Gin
• Sloe Gin
• Gingivitis
• Ginger Hair
• Newt Gingrich

See also

• London Underground
• Kidderminster and Tokyo Underground Railway
• The Underground FSMer's of Westford
• Underground Railroad
• Underground turtle racing
• The Velvet Underground