Rudy Giuliani

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“I like this accurate article”

~ John McCain on this article

“I don't like this inaccurate article”

~ Rudy Giuliani on this article

“Where Am I?”

~ Ross Perot on this article

“Why of course I did!”

~ Rudy Giuliani on crimes he didn't commit
Rudy Giuliani
Rudy Giuliani doing his famous impersonation of James Woods.
107th Mayor of New York City
In office
January 1st,1994 – September 12th, 2001
De facto Personal Trump Ambassador to Ukraine
Assumed office
Quidditch Professionals' Quota Day (or quid pro quo day)
Personal details
Political partyRepublican
SpouseHis cousin

Rudolph "The Red Nosed Guinea from 32nd Street" William Hearst Sarkozy Giuliani IV (born May 28, 1944) was an American lawyer, a business entrepreneur and a liberal, democrat, republican in name only republican politician. Born and raised in New York, Giuliani is often automatically considered to be either an extremely rude asshole, the love child of Count Dracula and The Penguin or an Italian-American. He is perhaps most famous for ruling the streets of New York with an iron fist and single-handedly bringing down the Fourth of July Fireworks industry, specifically the dirty gookers who sold those sumbitches out of Chinatown. He was in the running to become the next president of 9-11. Did I forget anything? Oh yeah, he's also famous for fucking his cousin Regina. But don't worry...they were married. He now works as an attorney for President Donald Trump trying to defend him from leftist conspiracy theories by admitting they were true on national television through a form of reverse psychology that doesn't seem to work, or maybe he's just drunk. The world may never know.

Early life[edit | edit source]

Giuliani was born on May 28, 1944 in the cold borough of Brooklyn to a stereotypical working-class Italian family with 9 cats, 11 dogs and a stick he would kill bugs with. His fat bald father wore a white pasta-stained wifebeater shirt and would occasionally yell at Rudy’s mother “whats-a-matta you?” when she nagged him as to his whereabouts after work. As a young little goombah runt, growing up in the tough streets of the Big Apple wasn’t easy. According to childhood friends Martin Scorsese and Chazz Palminteri, local bully Paul Sorvino loved picking on Giuliani. It didn’t help matters that Rudy and his father were Yankees fans in a predominantly Brooklyn Dodgers neighborhood. One painful memory in particular that former mayor Giuliani would often recall at parties to get a sympathy lay, was how the kids in the community would throw him in the mud for wearing his striped Yankees uniform. Reportedly, Giuliani would get up, wipe the mud off his uniform and say, “Hey yous punks! Yeah, that’s right. I’m talking to yous greasy finooks! Guess what? One day I’m gunna bust all your rackets and lock yous guys up! Know what I’m sayin’? Forget about it!

During his term as a teenager, Giuliani over came many struggles dealing with his position as delivery boy for Panucci’s Pizza on 51st street, such as puberty and mild gynecomastia. He was often criticized for his management of delivering newspapers as the neighborhood paper boy during the summer of 1953. It was later found out that Giuliani would sometimes read the paper during the first hour of his shift instead of setting out on his bike run. The scandal came to its peak in the winter of that year when ambitious journalist Edward R. Murrow wrote a disparaging exposé concerning Giuliani’s lethargic work ethic and how the poor citizens on Fifth Avenue either weren’t getting their papers or were becoming increasingly dissatisfied with how the New York Times was being laid (there have been three separately recorded instances where news papers had been reportedly thrown through the windows of houses/apartments that were located along Giuliani’s route). In the spring of 1954, after months of schoolyard derision and derogatory Italian pejoratives, Giuliani publicly resigned as paper boy. This is often considered to be the low point of Rudolph Giuliani’s life, although many historians cite his ugly divorce with second wife Donna Hanover as the lowest. However, young Rudy eventually picked up the pieces, and would go on to enroll in the University of Notre Dame, where he led the Fightin' Irish to their world famous 91-1 victory over USC in the 1969 College Super Bowl.

It's Giuliani Time[edit | edit source]

Giuliani doing his impression of Principal McVicker from Beavis and Butt-Head....or Dick Cheney. I'm not sure which.

After jerking off in the judicial system for 20 years playing Eliot Ness, Rudy Giuliani decided to do something big for his famous city that never slept. The story goes that one night in 1988, Attorney General Giuliani looked up at the Statue of Liberty and was overwhelmed with a sense of patriotism and New Yorker pride. It was then and there that he made up his mind to one day become mayor of the greatest city on Earth. He knew it wouldn’t be easy, and it wasn’t. His dago dreams were nearly crushed when he lost the 1989 election to that stupid cotton-picking Macaca war veteran, David Dinkins (founder of Dinkin Donuts). It wasn’t until 1993 that he put that tap-dancing catfish in his place and finally won the Mayoral election.

As mayor of New York City, Giuliani was often lauded for his crack-down on crime, gang violence, homeless people and sodomy, even though all American cities were experiencing plunging crime rates during the same time. Shit, even Washington, DC's crime rate plunged, and they had a shortage of police-issued plungers to sodomize minorities with! But what isn’t very well known is the fact that Giuliani did these things to significantly help increase tourism three folds through several initiatives that generally went unnoticed by the media. One popular proposition that passed during the 90s dealt with rounding up every panhandling bum and sweeping every soup kitchen for beggers. Once these domicile-challenged hobos were washed and cleaned up, they were given haircuts and satisfactory manicures. At this point, all the laissez-faire losers were given matching orange jumpsuits and thrown back out onto the streets and into force slave labor for the good of the city. By the year 1999, New York was trash-free clean and completely without juvenile graffiti. For their contribution to the community, the homeless were rewarded with gold medals. Unfortunately, many of the street scavengers sold their medals for alcohol and crack cocaine, although a few were smart enough to use the pawn shop money wisely by buying fancy steel shopping carts and large wooden crates for homes instead of cardboard boxes. Once again, it seemed the homeless were scaring away tourists. In 2000, Giuliani passed another ballot measure, this time solving the street urchin loitering epidemic for good by rounding them up to the slaughter house and grounding them up into ground beef. By doing this, the mayor was successful in hitting two birds with one stone by also solving the orphanage starvation crisis in Little Italy.

Before leaving office, mayor Giuliani was also able to reduce crime and gang violence to a staggering low percentage that has yet to be matched. Despite reports that he was greatly inspired by the novel 1984 by George Orwell, Rudy went on record during a taping of Good Morning America that his biggest influence was his squared-jaw childhood idol, Benito Mussolini. Intent on subduing chaos and restoring order to his home, the mayor abolished all lawyers and temporarily promoted every police officer to the rank of judge, jury and even executioner if a criminal was found out to be a terrorist (Giuliani has always been kind of "ify" on the death penalty). Under his tenure as mayor, he granted the NYPD access to anti-tank RPG weapons and the right to declare martial law. Adding insult to injury, all black thugs were only allowed to wear one exclusive color. This caused enough confusion and visual obfuscation to render gang-related murders highly inaccurate, thus discouraging future drive-bys and disruptive Mexican standoffs at clubs.

War On Organized Crime[edit | edit source]

Mob boss Michael Corleone was brought down by Rudy Giuliani.

Before becoming the famous mayor of New York, Giuliani was a US Attorney that held a legendary grudge against the mafia. Fueled by his desire to see all corruption in his city put to an end, the wop attorney formed a coalition of justice, consisting of Rambo, Mr. T, Hulk Hogan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and other various action movie stars that were only popular in the eighties. Together, these titans were the only heroes brave enough to take down the five families.

The US Attorney didn’t have much luck for a long time. Much like the FBI before him, the young Italian crime-fighter found out infiltrating the mob was more difficult than masturbating to that gross Sissy Spacek chick that everyone at the time thought looked like Barbara Eden’s aborted little sister. For hours and hours, it seemed like weeks had turned into months, and months turned into years. And still, Giuliani could not figure out why America had become so fascinated with Spacek after the film Carrie. Eventually, he came to the conclusion that it was simply the 70s and people were more polite and kind than they were in the 60s (Despite the hippie movement, people were down right mean spirited when it came to walrus singer Cass Elliot). Nearly two years after declaring cessation against the Cosa Nostra, the US Attorney got his first break when a successful sting operation resulted in the arrest of capo Virgil "The Turkey" Sollozzo and his boss Emeril Lagasse. Three weeks later, Don Luca Brasi and his consigliere Joe "Piscopo" Pesci were cuffed at an abandoned warehouse. For a long time, it seemed as if Johnny "Tight Lips" Ola had gotten away until his body was found in Al Capone's vault. You can’t win ‘em all.

Rudy doing his impression of Anna Nicole Smith...two days after her death and five years after 9/11. What an asshole!

Anti-Graffiti Policy[edit | edit source]

Giuliani's mayoral administration was best known for its implementation of a harsh anti-graffiti policy. Vandals' spray-painted words were subjected to an addition of "sucks" in pink spraypaint below whatever they wrote. Repeat offenders had their work subjected to a much harsher "sucks bigtime." The Giuliani policy ended all vandalism in New York City.

September 11th 2001[edit | edit source]

In the last year of his office, a terrible event happened on the morning of September 11th, 2001. An old Cessna 177 airplane crashed into a gas station convenience store, killing three people and injuring ten others. Mayor Giuliani, accompanied by a group of fire fighters and police officers, wandered aimlessly around Manhattan searching for the crash site. Finally, after six weeks, the gas station was located, but time had simply run out for the three people that eventually killed themselves because they were in slightly uncomfortable pain and became annoyed waiting for medical attention. Although the mayor was too late to save the lives lost on 9/11, it wasn’t too late to set things right. It only took five months before the mayor was able to raise 5,000 dollars for the relief fund that went towards the rebuilding of the gas station (as of 2010, the gas station has yet to be rebuilt) and to the victims' families (only one of the three people that died had a family). Before the end of the year, Giuliani made a rousing memorable speech at Yankee Stadium during the Yankees/Mets game. After weeping and sobbing for a minute, long after the four-second moment of silence, the greatest mayor of NYC finally said "play ball."

Also of note is the coincidental World Trade Center incident that received only minor media coverage for obvious reasons. [citation needed]

Since 9/11, it is now widely accepted that Giuliani must say the words 9/11 every five minutes. Much like the One Ring to Sauron, if Giuliani does not utter this mantra, he will be rotated 90º in the space-time continuum and disappear from this physical dimension forever.

2008 Presidential Campaign[edit | edit source]

Common sense.

On February 14th, 2007, while appearing on Larry King Live, Rudy Giuliani confirmed rumors that he was gunning for the White House when King told him that he would stop having children and die already, if he would officially announce his candidacy for the presidency right there on his show.

When the Republican primaries began in 2008, Giuliani was pit up against long time friend, Senator John McCain. The GOP wasn’t sure who would be a more popular ticket. The man who was the heart and soul of New York and ended the reign of the mafia, or an old wise war hero. It wasn’t long before the Republicans realized that George W. Bush was neither wise nor a war hero, yet was still able to get votes. They went with Mitt Romney, much to the chagrin of Giuliani, who wasn't picked because although the Republicans were known to be fascist patriots of American nationalism, they too simply had enough of Rudy's bitching and whining about 9/11. Eventually, John McCain, not one to lose an election, simply refused to be passed over for a tanned mormon and waterboarded that fucking asshole until he gave up the nomination.

Dropping Out of the Race[edit | edit source]

After performing poorly in Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Guam, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Puerto Rico, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming, Rudy Giuliani announced he would not drop out of the race and was gonna win anyway! Just like he did on that fateful day in September, 2001. Nine-eleven.

Former Florida Secretary of State and tragically, insanely optimistic double-bagger (one over her head, one over yours) Katherine Harris breathlessly endorced him immediately after that statement was made, then rolled a massive fattie out of some uncounted Gore ballots and masturbated to a framed portrait of Britney Spears.

Unfortunately, Giuliani was sexually assaulted by the Daleks before his campaign could proceed any further. Following the tragic incident, Giuliani was asked in his hospital bed if he suspected John McCain of paying off the Daleks. Giuliani, unable to speak due to forced fellatio of a robotic plunger, nodded. When reached for comment, McCain's campaign manager confirmed Rudy's suspicions, saying "Yeah, that was us."

Chancellor to the United States[edit | edit source]

On December 14, 2010, Rudy Giuliani became the 4th Chancellor of the United States after Bob Dole resigned due to legal troubles that were tied to the office. Both President Obama and Emperor Sinead O'Connor approved Giuliani on the night of December 13, 2010 just before Bob Dole resigned. Since taking office Giuliani has apologized for any inconvieance that Dole and the office may have caused and he will be working to cease the arms agreement with French President Nicolas Sarkozy.

Chancellor Giuliani announced that on Decembrer 15 after only serving as Chancellor for one day that he will arrest former Chancellor Bob Dole and Dole is expcted to still have his January 1, 2011 trail date. "Just because he's not chancellor doesn't mean that he won't be on the stand!" said Giuliani earlier that day. Also at the press conference he told reporters that he would not seek election of this post in 2012 for a full term but has instated a new office called the Deputy Chancellorship of the United States and has asked former U.S. Vice President Walter Mondale to fill the post. Both Madam Emperor O'Connor and President Obama must approve Mondale's nomination before any other proceedings begin.

Trump administration[edit | edit source]

Since January 2016, Rudy Giuliani has been Trump's personal lawyer, and the de facto ambassador to Ukraine, which was for a while disputed with the illegitimate Marie Yovbenabitch until she was brought to sweet justice for doing something useful, a very outdated concept today. During sometime in 2019, Giuliani became the leader of the Quid-Pro-Squad to end corruption in Ukraine once and for all under the direction of President Donald Trump. Giuliani's goons were Lev Parnas and Igor Freumen, which he sent on a mission to go save Ukraine from the terrible corruption. Sadly, they were arrested at the airport in Washington, D.C. after Hunter Biden sent a SWAT team to come and world-star them to the ground when he feared that their intelligent-looking faces could expose his corrupt ass and unveil the secrets of the Deep State. Rudy Giuliani is still working day by day to end corruption, but this is delayed, mainly because of his own butt being associated with the deep state. Every time Rudy seemed to be saying useful information, his stupid-ass ass would dial the phone numbers of prominent deep state reporters and tell lies which Giuliani strategically denies and verifies at the same time. He is the most popular guy in the White House, and literally everybody likes to work with him.

Political Views[edit | edit source]

A November 2006 poll from CNN revealed the perception of Giuliani as an overall moderate. Specifically, of those Americans polled, 36% classified him as a moderate, 44% as a liberal, with the remaining 20% being indecisive mother fuckers.

Anti-Graffiti Policy[edit | edit source]

Giuliani's mayoral administration was best known for its implementation of a harsh anti-graffiti policy. Vandals spray-painted words were subjected to an addition of "sucks" in pink spraypaint below whatever they wrote. Repeat offenders had their work subjected to a much harsher "sucks bigtime." The Giuliani policy ended all vandalism in New York City.

Civil Rights[edit | edit source]

Giuliani remains indifferent on individual rights of civility. He does, however, promote rule 9 dash 11 of the Official Handbook on Civil Behavior, which concerns the need for moderation and modesty.

Death Penalty[edit | edit source]

Rudy Giuliani's stance on the death penalty has always been generally wishy-washy. He has went on record numerous times favoring capital punishment when concerning evil people, but has been against it on certain occasions when dealing with innocent people. Worthy of mention is his staunch opinion that Islamic terrorists specifically should get the death penalty, which is ironic when one considers the fact that those extremists dream of dying in the name of Allah so that they can become martyrs and be rewarded in the afterlife with ≈72 (give or take .089) virgin females. It isn’t uncommon for some to grow pensive when told of this and wonder what eternity would be like after deflowering 71.911 virgins.

Gun Control[edit | edit source]

As the mayor of New York city, Rudy was not only a supporter of gun control but banned his citizens from purchasing firearms or having guns in their possession, turning down city-wide ordinances for more lax gun laws nine hundred and eleven times. Years later, Giuliani reflected on his hatred of the second amendment and came to the conclusion that what might have worked for NYC, might actually not work for small rural country communities in middle America. Because of his new mixed position, many have accused Giuliani of playing politics by pandering to both parties on the political spectrum. His recent candidacy for President has not helped him to deflect this negative image. While doing an interview for Guns&Ammo magazine, Rudy made it clear that he supports the right to bear arms as long as people aren‘t killed. Pundits have speculated that this cost him the criminal vote in 2008.

Public Mobility[edit | edit source]

Rudy Giuliani holds an insanely aggressive stance for and against public display of mobility, which he claims affects the GDP by 91.1 points each year.

Gay Marriage[edit | edit source]

Gays wanna get married? Whaddya kiddin' me?

During his mayoralty, gays and lesbians in New York asked Rudy for domestic-partnership rights. Giuliani agreed and granted them their wish by making same-sex marriage legal. Since then, Giuliani has remained openly pro-gay marriage. However, Rudy did ask that resident homosexuals go through the courts and not bother priests and their local churches. In an interview with Anderson Cooper, the former New York mayor stated "If the perverts over on the other team find a priest that’s willing to preside over their wedding ceremony, that’s fine. Really, that’s great! But if they don’t, they shouldn’t pressure and harass the church. That’s just silly. That would be like me, Rudy Giuliani the Roman Catholic, going to a Synagogue and walking up to the Rabbi and demanding a Bar Mitzvah….no…a Bat Mitzvah!…Yeah, that’s it! Also, 9-11."

Abortion[edit | edit source]

While he was mayor of New York, Liberal Commie Rudolph Giuliani made it very clear that he was pro-choice and would always be for abortions. In an interview with conservative Sean Hannity, Giuliani stated, "Yeah, yeah. I see the pictures of aborted fetuses. Put them away, Sean. Come on, put them back in your wallet. Do you carry those pictures with you everywhere? God damn. You sick fuck! You need help, you know that? Anyways, what was I saying? Oh yeah...I'm for a woman's right to choose. Do you have any idea how many kids I would have today if all of my ex-wives actually had every baby they were pregnant with? I'd be paying child support like a divorced polygamous mormon. HA HA HA HA! Get it? Ha ha ha...we have fun. Never forget."

Incest[edit | edit source]

Rudy Giuliani supports internal family copulation so long as it isn't premarital and does not occur on the eleventh of September.

Pushing the Button[edit | edit source]

In Republican debates, Giuliani promised that he would "Kill every motherfucker on the planet". In response, Mitt Romney said he would annihilate entire galaxies. Ron Paul upped the ante by pledging to kill infinite living organisms. Giuliani then reminded Ron Paul that, "I already did. On 9-11."

Taxes[edit | edit source]

Rudy has no idea how to work the numbers 9, 1, and 1 into a sensible tax rate. Like all Republicans, he mindlessly worships at the altar of capitalism and thinks that the solution to all governmental crises, including American Idol, uncle-abuse, and Who Shot J.R.? is to cut all taxes to -∞, which is not equal to any combination of 9,1, and 1 outside of the Enron accounting department and the 2000 Florida Presidential Election.

Heavy Metal[edit | edit source]

Did I mention 9-11? Oh, hi, honey.

Public Image And Legacy[edit | edit source]

Actor David Paymer played Giuliani in Spider-Man 2, set in an alternate 1986. Don't believe me? Fuck you.

Rudolph Giuliani has made himself something of a legendary historical figure. Part of this was accomplished by making himself appear more human to the media than most politicians, even Bill Clinton--and he got an old-fashion warm atomic hummer under his desk in the oval office. That’s even more human than Thomas Jefferson--and he gave anal sex to his black mammy in the hen house when he...well you get the picture. Like I was saying, the image Rudy put out there of himself was a positive one. He wanted every guy to feel like they’d enjoy having a beer with him and every gal to feel safe enough to meet him at a hotel room after he got their husbands to pass out drunk. Children adored their mayor and smiled when he did public speeches. Many kids bought hundreds of boxes of Kix cereal just to get enough proof-of-purchases to send in for the free Rudy action figure. Not surprisingly, in 2001, Time Magazine anointed him Man of the Year, Person of the Year and Greatest Living or Dead Individual of the Year. In what was probably the highlight or single highest point of his life, Giuliani was invited to host Saturday Night Live and became the first politician to do so since Al Franken woke up one morning and decided to run for the Minnesota senate seat. It has been predicted that should Giuliani become president, he will be the most popular president since Martin Van Buren said Ulysses S. Grant was the most popular president.

Controversy and Criticism[edit | edit source]

Rudy wasn't very popular when he banned premarital gay sex.

Because he has been married five or six times, former mayor Giuliani has often been publicly hazed by the GOP and evangelical christians for not being a true representative for family values. His estranged relationship with his son has complicated matters even further. When reached for comment, Rudy stated, "I'd still vote for me."

Another common criticism concerning Giuliani deals with his incompetent decision to place his Emergency Command Center at Building 7 of the World Trade Center, despite constant recommendations from his staff to pick a less vulnerable target. Thus leaving Giuliani wandering around the city aimlessly after the World Trade Center bombings by the government........AHHHH Ha ha ha ha! Just kidding, terrorists attacked the World Trade Center. You should have seen the look on your face. Seriously. You were all like, say whaaaa? It was hilarious!

There are a few naysayers in New York that to this day, still claim that Rudy isn't anything special. Their argument is that Giuliani did on 9/11 what any mayor would have done. In April 2003, Giuliani responded to these hurtful claims on Meet The Press by shaking his fist and saying, "Oh yeah!?" Despite being registered as a Republican, Giuliani is considered by political pundits to have strong liberal views (common sense) as oppose to the typical archaic traditional right-wing views that no longer apply today. Many have speculated that this was what caused the former mayor to be defeated during the 2008 election. A majority of the GOP base have had its members go on record saying "John Murtha is a pussy liberal coward that wants America to lose the war on terror and be conquered by the super-power nation of Islam. Never mind the fact that he is a war veteran and probably knows more about battle than me, a draft dodging college deferment clutching wimp. I don't like to acknowledge that. It makes me feel small and weak. You know? It's a real bummer. Seriously, it pissed me off when he implied I didn't know what I was talking about when it came to war. Because you know what? He might have been right. Shit. And what's this I keep hearing about Rudolph Giuliani being pro-choice and pro-gay marriage? What's up with that? What's up with this world? I don't know. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. Perhaps I should let off some steam. Well, me and the wife are going to the Olive Garden tonight. She wanted to go somewhere more classy and fancy, but the truth is I don't feel like spending much money. Hey, maybe that's why I'm a Republican. Ha ha. Get it? W-We don’t like to spend know when I was in my early twenties, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. But my father wanted me to go to college...and he was right. I'm a success aren't I? Still, I might have been happier. Oh well. That's the past. Nice talking to you, Joe. This Saturday I'm going to go on Real Time with Bill Maher. I know they're left-leaning over there, but I feel it will sharpen my debating teeth. You should come along or stop by."

On April 9th, 2007, Giuliani apologized for marrying his first cousin as his first wife.

On April 24th, 2007, Giuliani apologized for saying that the Democrats were responsible for 9/11.

On September 11th, 2007, Giuliani apologized for apologizing.

See Also[edit | edit source]

|- style="text-align: center;" | width="30%" |Preceded by:
Bob Dole | width="40%" style="text-align: center;" |Fourth Chancellor of the United States
December 14, 2010Present | width="30%" |Succeeded by: