Aimo Koivunen

The face of a man who has seen God and laughed.

There is no point in waging a war on drugs, when one has the opportunity to wage war, on drugs, instead. -Oscar Wilde on Aimo Koivunen

Aimo Allan Koivunen was a Finnish pagan death god and infamous drug abuser. He is ranked number 45.5 on the WSHO (World Superhero Organization) official list of Worst 100 Superheroes of All Time.

THE TALE OF AIMO KOIVUNEN AND PERKELE UNIT 69: Setting the scene

IN THE YEAR 194X

WAR IS ENGULF ENTIRE NATION OF FINLAND.

DESPITE ITS BEINGNESS A PART OF THE AXIS

WESTERN PRESS HAS GREATLY SUPPORTED THE SMALL COUNTRY

TO THE GREAT CONFUSE OF RUSSIAN.

MANY "VOI SAATANA"S CAN HAVE HEARD ALL THROUGHOUGHGHT COUNTRYSIDE.

ONE SMALL SKI UNIT CURRENTLY ONS RUN FROM SOVIET TROOPS.

BECOMES TIRED THE CREW.

HOWEVER, THEY HAVES ONE SECRET WEAPON THAT POSSIBLY CAN DO HELPING THEM.

FOR KALORRRIOUS SUOMI!!! TORTILLA [sic] TAVATAAN!

The prequel

Now we look into the life of the small Finnish ski unit, pitched up somewhere in Lapland, more commonly known as the REAL middle of nowhere.

Jonne Number 19: I don't think we can keep ahead of those rooskies any longer! We're fucking dead!! Voi vittu!!

*distant yelling behind* CYKA BLYAT!!! I STUPPT MY TOE!

Jonne Number 18: *looks behind himself* We're running out of supplies?

Jonne Number 19: No vodka left! What are we doing!

*overhearing Russians are even more horrified*

*distant yelling*: "Dose bootlek nazis haff nahthink left to drrrrink!"

"Eesn't dat goot for ahs?"

"Nyet, we're rahnink out of supplies. We won't be able to take any of theirs, goot tovarishch, comrade Fuckinovich..."

"BLYAT!!!" *collapses*

Meanwhile, back at the Finnish ski troop:

Jonne number 19: Are we really out of vodka?

Jonne number 18: Yeah-

Jonne number 19: PERRRRKELE!

Jonne number 18: But that's not what I meant by supplies.

MITÄ VITTUA??

Jonne number 18: I meant... the meth... we only have a bit left-

Jonne number 19: METH?! I WANT SOME! VROOM VROOM !!

Jonne number 18: I swear to fucking God, if the Russians airstrike us because you revealed our location...

Jonne number 18: But we'd be dead in that case, so that was a bad example. PASKA!

Jonne number 18 (clearly wanting to take back the air that 19 used up): And our meth Pervitin's in safe hands, with Aimo at the front:

Aimo Koivunen, aka Jonne number 1, at the front: *huff* *puff* *huff* *puff* You guys really... think that I wouldn't... resort to the meth?

Aimo Koivunen:

FOOLS!

Aimo Koivunen: You guys haven't seen me get really pissed about all that much, but I'm fed up with flattening the snow for you guys.

Jonne number 2 (the calm one): Hey, chill. You've got all our Nazi meth... I mean Pervitin. The pills are probably all frozen together, like my knees and ankles, and my entire fucking body.

Jonne number 3, (the smarter one): Maybe we could warm up the pills in a fire.

Jonne number 7: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IT'S 30 DEGREES BELOW ZERO OUT HERE! THERE'S NO WAY WE COULD START A FIRE!

Jonne number 6 (the big, burly one): *pulls out flamethrower*: We do it LIKE THIS.

*Jonne number 6 opens fire, setting a tree on fire. The Russians won't be able to see the smoke anyway, due to the heavy blizzard. All they have is the trail the Finns left behind.*

*Jonne number 7 collapses on the ground and gets trampled by the 12 Jonnes behind him, quickly forcing him into an icy grave underneath the thick snow.*

*The eighteen remaining ski soldiers continue on their escape when Aimo in the lead pipes up:*

Aimo Koivunen: Guys! I just got an idea!

Jonne number 3: Oh, you've just had the idea? We know exactly what you're planning to do.

Aimo Koivunen: No, this is a brand-new idea. I swear, for the love of having your blood boil to death in the sauna, I just thought of this!

Jonne number 3: Oh, really.

Aimo Koivunen: I'm gonna take some meth!

Jonne number 3: Genius.

The High Ride Begins

Aimo Koivunen: I mean, the entire stash!

Jonne number 3: Well, if it works...

*Aimo Koivunen pauses*

Jonne number 18: WHY ARE YOU STOPPING? THAT'S HOW YOU GET A SOVIET SOLDIER INFESTATION! IT'S BASIC PEST EXTERMINATION KNOWLEDGE!

*Aimo Koivunen fumbles with his frostbite and mittens, but manages to open the container of Pervitin and slide the 30 or so pills down his throat*

Aimo Koivunen (nearly chokes): What? It hasn't done anything. But let's get going.

Jonne number 3: That's because you just swallowed the pills, you fucking retard.

Aimo Koivunen: *turns his head back* Hey!

*Ironically, Aimo's IQ seems to be dropping as he utters this word. His voice gets screechier, his expression gets derpier, and he gains an urge to drive himself into a rage like a wild animal*

*Aimo Koivunen jumps to warpspeed, leaving a trail of snow behind akin to the wake behind a waterski, except eleven or twelve times bigger and stronger*

*For the morons who are reading this, he did not actually reach warp speed, only metaphorically/hyperbolically. The real speed was unknown but expected to be LUDICROUS.

Aimo Koivunen:

The shock wave caused by the speed Koivunen reached on his skis was visible above Finland from space. (This photograph was taken by aliens.)

PERRRKELEEeEEeeEEeEeeEeeeeᵉeeeᵉeᵉᵉeeeeᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉ!!!

Far behind, accompanied by two or three broken-down tanks, emblazoned with large red stars:

Soviet ski soldier, panting: Comrade Fuckinovich, Deet yoo hearrr zat?

Fuckinovich, still in shock from what he has heard: Da.

*A high-speed snow shockwave knocks both of these brave Russian soldiers, and their fellows nearby, down. As the soldiers struggle to get back on their feet, err, skis, they swear that they had felt a small earthquake.*

Meanwhile, the 17 remaining Finnish troopers utter in unison: METH. Not even once.

Aimo Koivunen is hallucinating really hard. We can only imagine what he was thinking, but it probably looked something like this:

TRIPPING BALLS SIMULATOR 1944

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Tripping Balls Simulator 1944 is currently off for those who might have Photosensitive Epilepsy. If you do NOT have epilepsy, then...

Click Here :)

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Now we leave the trippy (but unfunny) stuff aside. Now for the stuff that will hopefully be a little bit more funny.

Aimo Koivunen crashes headfirst into a mountain cliff. But in this heightened state, he does not feel any pain, he doesn't curse like a drunken Finnish sailor, and he definitely doesn't die. He keeps on skiing right through the mountain when suddently:

A colorized recording of Aimo Koivunen's "adventures" from 1944.

IDI NAHUI!! WAHT ARRRRE YOU DOINK HHHERE? AND MORE EEMPORTANTLY, HHHOW DEET YOO GET HERE?

Aimo Koivunen: WHADDIDJAJUS'SAY? METH METH METH! GIVE ME MORE METH!!

Russian underground general Nikolai Flipemoff: I'm [not] sorrry, baht we don't haff any lehft.

Aimo Koivunen: YOU WILL PAY, BASTARD!

*mountain crumbles and boulders fall into the sea. The entire city of Oulu is accidenatlly crushed.*<choose uncached="">

Flipemoff (and his mountain) were never seen again. And that, my friends, is why Lapland (and the rest of Finland) is so flat and devoid of mountains. This is also why Finland has one of the lowest population densities of any European country. But that's all just tall tales, my grandchildren. OR IS IT?

Obviously, Koivunen got away. But this isn't the last text on this page, so you can kind of tell that there is more to his adventures

Aimo does... something (I don't want to spoil his adventure for you!) (TAKE A WILD GUESS!)

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NO PICTURES IN THIS SECTION! THEY CAN GIVE OBVIOUS SPOILERS ABOUT THIS BULLSHIT BECAUSE THEY CATCH THE EYE BETTER THAN TEXT DOES! If you disagree with this, you should see a doctor because you likely suffer from some serious brain damage.

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Ok, this picture is allowed because it's irrelevant.

So, anyway, let's see, where were we in the story again? Oh yeah, we were at the part where Koivunen smashed a mountain and nearly destroyed his entire home country. Yeah, that part was fucking awesome. This part is kind of boring (in comparison.)

Aimo Koivunen: Voi vittu, I'm getting hungry.

*chirp*

Aimo Koivunen: Ooh, what's that? It looks tasty!

*THUD*

*birds flee*

*YANK* *OUCH!* *BANG!* *OOF!*

We now see that Aimo has gotten himself caught on the branch of a pine tree.

Aimo Koivunen: *grabs a bunch of pine buds and a pine cone*

*exaggerated gulping and swallowing sound that could quite possibly shatter glass*

Aimo Koivunen: Bahahah, Jumala, I don't give a PASKA about getting caught, but this is the best salad I've ever had!

*hears helicopter over head*

Aimo Koivunen:

PERRRKELEEeEEeeEEeEeeEeeeeᵉeeeᵉeᵉᵉeeeeᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉ!!! FOR REAL THIS TIME!

*distant machine gun fire*

*Koivunen would have been shot, but even the rounds are too afraid to touch him*

Koivunen: *unspellable yawning and snoring onomatopoeia...* *falls asleep again*

But this isn't even the part you've been waiting for.

*Koivunen hears the distant CHRPCHRPCHRPCHRPCHRP of a startled jay in his vicinity*

*rushes towards it*

*swipes around with his bare hands*

*SQUAWK*

*knocks the bird out of its flight*

*SQAWWWWWK*

*catches the poor thing before it can even hit the ten-foot-deep snow*

*seizes the thing in his stiff, frost-bitten and mitten-bound hands*

*fumbles*

*the jay screams in agony and fear*

*crushes the damn bird in his fist, which leaves an earth-shattering cry as it dies, blood flowing on his hand before immediately freezing, guts and broken bones everywhere*

*Aimo Koivunen laughs and eats the bones, guts, flesh, and everything*

*licks his lips*

*is still technically asleep but keeps going*

Aimo Koivunen Raids a Soviet Base

Inside said base:

General Dimitri Jakitoff: Deet yoo hhhear about HEEM?

Lieutenant Mikhail Neverlerntooski: Deet I hhearrr heem? Yes, I deet.

General Dimitri Jakitoff: I meant, hhhear ABOUT heem.

Lieutenant Mikhail Neverlerntooski: No, I know nahtink about heem. Is he God or sahmtink?

Prisoner Jonne number 141 in the back: "I've only` eaten a moldy ham sandwich and my belly button lint in the past twenty-four hours!"

General Dimitri Jakitoff: BACK TO WORK, YOU PUPPET OF HEETLURRR'S SCROTUM! ONE DAY YOO WEEL FEEL LIBERATED AHNDER OUR GLORIOUS REGIME, FREE FROM THE TYRANNICAL BOURGEOIS PIGDOGS OF PENNSYLVANIA! (I CHOSE PENNSYLVANIA BECAUSE EET'S RRRANDOM AND ON THE AHDER SIDE OF DA WORLT.)

Jonne number 141: I've never met a German in my life! Except for... that one SS officer who showed up to my house and shot my dog into a bloody mess because he thought my dog was Jewish... Oh, and my friend from Kuopio is German. And my neighbor. And even my...

General Dimitri Jakitoff: Pleass tape hees mout shut... this is getting annoying.

Jonne number 141: "SAATANA-- SHOT YOUR FUCK UP! *chokes* *coughs* *mmrf*"

See also

• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q50dzl3TmcQ Colorized footage of Aimo Koivunen's meth-fueled adventure.

PERRRKELE!!