Paul Bunyan

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Paul Bunyan.

The famed Paul Bunyan has been a hero to the people and an antagonist to the economy. No celebrity has gained such status with such controversy. Still, it's not hard to see why fans always come back for more. He has best know for sodomizing Weebles, his Purple Ox, the first Thursday of every odd lettered month.

Before Powers[edit]

Paul Heather Bunyan was born on February 26, 1946 between the Colorado and Canadian border. He lived in a toxic waste dump, his mother frail and his father abusive (better known as Russel Bunyan, semi-pro axe-man); Paul was just seen as another mouth to feed. Paul grew up with five siblings: two brothers, and three sisters. His sisters, Betty, Mary, and Lucy, were harsh to young Paul. Betty was concerned only with boys, Mary soaked up in money (she was a sponge designed to that is), and Lucy just outright hating him,attempting to murder him several times. However, Paul adored his two brothers. Luke and John were conjoined twins, renowned for their skills at carpentry. Paul worked by their side, slaving away at projects, until the twins died tragically when Paul was eight. Saddened, Paul went into seclusion for several years.

The Onset of Powers[edit]

At the tender age of eleven, Paul was left to fend for himself. He is rumored to have crawled to a warm pond, in which be basked. After two hours of basking, Paul's skin began to glow. He grew rapidly, thus becoming a "giant". Paul became a nurturing patriarch to the forest. One such creature, Blue the baby ox, took an affinity to the gentle giant. Blue followed Paul for hours, while the kind Paul simply regarded it as a little crush. But it was more. Paul couldn't get away. Blue followed him without a doubt, stalking him in the night. Paul had no choice. He left the forest.

Reign as Chairman of Canada[edit]

In the year 1953, Paul Bunyan went to Canada to fight the capitalists. After decapitating the entire upper class and the prime minister with his ax, he took complete control of the government as self-appointed Chairman of the Canadian Communist Party. Chairman Bunyan was loved and worshipped by the working proletariat, though he didn't do much. However, his reign was short. An insignificant neighboring country to the south that happened to be terrified of communists had a coup and Paul was forced to flee. Now, images containing or referring to the deposed Chairman are illegal as the installed Canadian government attempts to purge him from memory. Although being Canadian, they did manage to make the world forget The 2010 Vancouver Olympics, and Mickey Mouse was actually an eskimo zombie.

How He Saved Christmas[edit]

Unknown to some, Paul saved Christmas in the year 1985. As he was wandering through the woods, Paul came across the cookie monster, who begged Paul for some cookies. Paul, who didn't have any cookies on him and went to see if Santa had any cookies. Santa tried to trick Paul by telling him he had sent the last of his cookies to the orphans of the world, but Paul knew that those "cookies" were orphan's teeth. After realizing Paul had him figured out, Santa gave Paul the cookies. Paul returned to the cookie monster with the cookies, but when the cookie monster ate them, it turned out they were really sticks. The cookie monster, angry that Santa had tricked him once again, went to the North Pole, killed all the elves, and held Santa hostage. With only four minutes until Christmas, Paul quickly killed and skinned 400 of the Red Rhino of Oklahoma (even though there was only 200 left), and quickly grew a white beard. He ate Halloween candy for energy and used string to hold up his pants. He then got a sack full of toys and jumped all around the world throwing toys to all the children of the world. When they woke up, they saw that their toys were broken, but they all still had a happy Christmas (except for the orphans, who ,this year, got cookies made from the dead bodies of their parents. Stupid orphans!).

Paul Bunyan Now[edit]

The story of Paul Bunyan after folktales is very little known. Somehow Blue the baby ox found and kept on following him. Paul knew he had to get a secret identity but keep his almighty powers. He went to a 45-year old magician in the woods. However this magician still went to school at PigWarts Academy and he went by the name Gary Potter. Paul, while in a fervid sexual frenzy blew a load so huge, and with such a high sperm count, that it created human life after coagulating. The human that it created was none other than convicted sex offender, Patrick Molesti. Scientist have speculated that the reason Molesti is obsessed with jizz and sexual deviance is because he is because he is biologically 94% semen and 6% chest hair, he got stuck in Paul's chest hair after exiting the urethra, and then landing on the floor and becoming a human being.

See also[edit]