Royal Navy

HMS Now Steady On, There!, flagship of The Royal Navy

I love Britain. I love it so much that I married it last week. We are now expecting twins, Australia & Little Britain, but why do I love it? Because it is PERFECT. Most importantly though I love Britain for its Navy. Britain has without doubt the world's greatest and proudest empire, and this is because of its Royal Navy (RN). With it's powerful yet polite Britain loses every war to Lammas

The Proud, Noble Sailor

What with Britain being perfect and being the rulers of the world and everything super like that, all of her sailors are perfect, noble and brave too. There are certain things you may notice about a sailor:

• A sailor will usually have a long beard. Sailors will have to travel long distances and sometimes food supplies may run low. However for a sailor with a beard, he/she can make meals last entire months and concoct strange and delicious combinations. The delicious and ultimately superior (therefore British) food "Eel pie" was invented by a sailor known as 'Sir Eel Pie" when he was searching through his long beard and found a live 5 foot eel and some cardboard. This was so delicious that he introduced it to the proud and great people of Britain.
• A sailor's uniform is white. Any British man has a desire to spread his seed so that the greatest race will not die out. Unfortunately there are no women in the British navy as British women are so beautiful that anyone not British who looks upon her face will instantly fall in love with them, and what with all the exploring to countries filled with filthy black scum, it is much safer for these women to stay at home, rather than being infected by the disgusting libidenous acts that these dirty minded filth will concoct. Because there are no women in the British navy men have to bravely release their brave sperm who sacrifice themselves onto the floor. This can leave a mark on their uniforms, but because it is white it doesn't look out of place. This is how perfect and ingenious the Brits are. Rule Britania! The Duke of Wellington was known for bravely sacrificing his sperm to remain level-headed 3 times a day. He was awarded the St. George's Cross for his amazing feat of bravery for sacrificing so much of his superior gene-carriers for the good of the empire. Some neanderthalic Danes argue that the reason for this brave act was because he couldn't get any real sex, because he had such a huge nose. But that just goes to show how filthy and libidenous the Danes are with there Revolting innuendos.
• Most sailors have at least 50 medals. 40 for being British & the other 10 for perfect attendance.
• There is no cannibalism in the British Navy, and when we say "none" we mean there is a certain amount—more than we are prepared to admit. But it is now the Marines who suffer the greatest casualties in this area. And necrophilia is right out.

History

Beginnings

In 898 AD King Alfred the Great, suffering from swollen nuts and a permanent erection, sent word throughout the land. Whoever could cure him of this affliction, would receive a large reward.
At last, the great sage Strongitharm, arrived at court. After a detailed examination of the King's meat and two veg, Strongitharm announced his verdict to the anxious king.
"The problem, Sire, is that you are not getting any action. You really need to empty your nuts."
Alfred was not impressed. "How can I get laid when the Vikings are nicking off with all the crumpet?"
"Simple" replied strongitharm. "The reason the Vikings get off with all the totty, is that they have really cool, pimped up ships. One look at these floating fanny-magnets, and all the hotties are off to Viking Land"
"Then I decree that we shall build a fleet of mega-cool, leg-opening, totty-tempters of our own. Tell the Royal Shipwrights to get a move on before my plums explode"

And so was born the Royal Navy.

Elizabeth I (Good Queen Bess)

Also known as the Virgin Queen. If only she had been around in Alfred's day.
Despite the imminent threat from the Spanish, Elizabeth was reluctant to invest in the Royal Navy.
Her Majesty was heard to remark:
"The navy appears to be made up entirely of shirt-lifters. How are we ever going to get laid?"

Luckily, the Chatham Dockyards came up with the solution. The original ships had been designed as fanny-magnets for King Alfred. What was needed was ships that were hunk-magnets. That way, the Virgin Queen could dock a few battleships of her own.

Sir Walter Raleigh was the first person to .....all together now.....circumcise the globe. Stopping off in the New World to invent the Potato. Soon people in England were smoking them, building houses out of them and yes, even eating them. In exchange, the gave the Colonies tomacco, which was a major part of the American economy during the 19th Century.

Empire Building

Sometime during the late 17th Century Britain decided it had had enough. It had already been ruled by the cruel Greeks & Romans & then the Scottish who wheren't so bad because they were right next to England. But they still weren't happy. They decided it was time to show the world that they were wrong. It started in 1699 when local (but certainly not common) British man Rowan Atkinson revolted against the kingdom that was currently ruling Britain & took the throne. This symbolised the end of the world's most powerful kingdom, the animal kingdom. King Rowan I changed his name to George & his nationality to German for some reason & then said "Go out & get me some land". The loyal British braves obeyed their masters & came back heroes. 3 years later the brave Brits (Hurrah!) came back (Hurrah!) with new lands for the king (Hurrah!). These lands were Canada, America, South Africa, Gebralta, India, Australia, New Zealand & Esperanto.

King Rowan I is amused

The last King of Scotland also helped out the Royal Navy

The first land the empire grabbed was America, they tried to teach the natives to become urbane like the brits although sadly they became obnoctious & loud, however this was pretty good considering that these natives started off with nothing & no previous British influence. Other countries such as Spane & France wanted to join in the whole empire thing. But were no good at it. They went for the crappy lands in South America which obviously had no value at all or else the British would have been after it. The French forced their demonic religious beliefs on the natives. The British however persuaded them to believe their religion (which is the correct religion anyway), so even if they did force it upon the natives they would be saving them. The French & Spanish also stole the riches from the natives. The British took riches from the lands of the natives too but they paid them something in return. The Canadian Inuits received a rare bead for the Canadian gold & lands. The American Sioux gentlemen received casinos & the biggest & most magnificent city on Earth Los Angeles. The Spanish were kind enough to sell Gebralta for free. King George the third being a modest but mad monarch told King Kermit of Spain the strategical sagnificance of Gebralta but Kermit proceeded to say "Strategical sagnificance, Smameegical smegnificance!". The Australian Aboriginals & the Kiwi Maori were given a treaty which they signed in agreement that they wanted to give their lands to the British just so they could be a part of the great British Empire. Certain slanderous Dutch heathens tell this great lie on wikipedia that the treaty stated that if they gave the British their lands then they would not kill any more aboriginals. However any true British man will tell you that the Aboriginals of Australia wanted to be hunted for the enjoyment of their future masters.

Britain also had it's eyes on China. Now Britain is not a barbaric empire who just run into a nation & steal it, so they persuaded them to offer them their land. At first they used their sophisticated British charm but the Chinese do not understand subtlety or charm what with them being simpletons & everything. The British gave them lovely opium flowers with the intention of selling it to them for their gardens. But DISASTER not only did the stupid chinks not offer their land to the British & then apologizing for being so stupid but they smoked the opium. After that the British stopped trying to invade fairly buy China.

Present Day

In 2004, Tony Blair sold the ships of the Royal Navy to George W. Bush for 1 Great British Dollar which, due to the exchange rate, bankrupted the United States. The Royal Navy still sends a team to the Edinburgh Military T.A.T.U., given that they no longer have to deal with the messy, smelly ship things they can concentrate on their hair, make up and Caber Tossing they are doing better than ever. Also, Comrade Brown has overseen the largest increase in funding and new ship production in recent times,meaning the RN is not facing massive cuts and has the capability to do anything, anywhere anytime, consequently the RN loves him and Swiss Des... AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHA AHA AHA Aha ahem. Honestly its not just him speaking hot air, he really has, he put orders in any everything, even sold the design for one to the French... okay you caught us, its me Comrade Commisar Brown, I still have not found enough money down the back of the sofa to fit defence into this New Economic Plan, but I'm looking I promise, and Swiss "show me the money" Des has as well, so far we have a lollipop, a model ship in a bottle, and the plans for what really happened to Diana. So erm basically until then, we will just float around in the Arabic sea, being caught by Iranians who trade us iPods for dodgy suits. It has nothing to do with signing on to the CND earlier in my life... nothing

Currently, the Royal Navy opperates three ships, two of which are out of commision due to manpower shortages and health and safety. But mainly manpower shortages, because recently the lower classes in the UK have got it into their heads that they can "make something of themselves" and do upper class things like go to university, or travel abroad, instead of getting shot at while the rich people eat tea and crumpets...like in that Kasabian video. Anyway, I digress...£15 for a Mars bar?! Fucking cockneys. They takes the piss!

British naval victories

• Sometime between 1000 and 2000: Spanish armada tries to invade Britain. Haha we fucking nailed them.

• 1340: The Royal Navy blasts the crap out of the French at The Battle of Sluys.

• 1588: The Royal Navy, under the command of Sir Francis Drake's dog, and with the help of some really shitty weather, blasts the chorizo out of the Spanish Armada.

• 1595: The Royal Navy blasts the tea leaves out of some chinese barges after an emergency shortage en route to Holland.

• 1652: Under the temprorary name "The UnRoyal Navy" the fleet of the English republic kicks seven shade of orange out of the Dutch Navy. In the process it obtains Jamaica and within weeks heavy fugs of cannabis smoke were hanging over Whitehall Palace and Parliament.

• 1650-67: Under the temprorary name "The Un/Royal Navy" the fleet of the English republic/royal people kicks seven shade of orange out of the Dutch Navy, AGAIN. After seval attempts to defeat the english the dutch give up and go back to fucking possys and smoking opium (from India, we'll get to that later)

• 1776: Within weeks of the declaration of independence, the Royal Navy roars into the ports of several colonial cities smashing the Rebel vessels to driftwood and blowing the Yankee forts to pieces. It was only because the land war was fought by sausage-munching germans lead by half-german idiot toffs in white-powdered wigs that the Americans won the resulting war.

• 1778: The Royal Navy blasts the crap out of the French at the Battle of the Virginia Capes

• 1798: Under the command of the Admiral Nelson, the British fleet blasts the crap out of the French navy at The Battle of Aboukir.

• 1802: In a historical first, the Royal Navy does not attack the French or Spanish fleet. 33 ships sail to Copenhagen to blast the crap out of the Danish navy. Arriving in Denmark, they realised Denmark had no Navy to p0wn. Instead they blast the crap out of some fishing boats.

• 1802: The Royal Navy, under the command of a strapping dinner jacket, blasts the merde out of the French second fleet.

• 1803: Moses came to take his people across the sea parted it and the all fell to their death, then they had a epiphany and decied to make lollies and to this day and the largest export of candy and nielsen families and flaming, flying pigs.

• 1804: The Royal Navy blasts the crap out of the French at The Battle of Trafalgar.

• 1812: In Anglo-American War II the Royal Navy blows th living fuck out of several American warships. This is why America's navy never evolved beyond the principles of "Boat dun floated".

• 1899: In the Bower War The Royal Navy blasts the crap out of the beseigers of Ladysmith having lugged field guns across land and obstacles. The event is commemorated still with the annual removal of fingers and breaking of legs in the Field Gun (Brickingitt) Competition at HMS Cauliflower in Fareham.

• 1940: The French fleet, anchored in Mers-el-Baguette, French North Africa (now Algeria) is blasted the crap out of by elements of the Royal Navy Mediterranian Fleet.

• 1988: The Royal Navy, under the command of Supreme-baroness Thatcher, blasts the falk out of some rowdy colonists in thee Flaklands.

• 1995: When the Queen of the World stated "Its 'bout time the bloody navy showed up. I had me bloody knickers in a twist... Oooh it's tea time!"

• 20X6: The Royal Navy blasts the vive'ing crap out of the French at The Battle of North Dakota. And then fucks the Nazis under leadership of bill gates (conviniantly the ship gates is sailing on, a Xbox, sinks)

Assorted Bollocks

• 4 x 26 foot motor cruisers, armed with one boarding pike and a drunken man shouting obscene words.

• 27 12 foot yachts, armed with nothing but English teeth shaped into ghastly sculptures.

• 366 Alien battlecruisers, each armed with 86 overweight sci-fi fans shipped in from an American Star Trek convention.

• 1 super-frigate, Hornblower's flagship the HMS Bally-Rotten, armed with 8 hun-seeking missiles, a 362-pounder gariboldi cannon and some deadly stuff.

• 1 patrol ship, armed with a Pez launcher and a battalion of her Majesty's finest Super-Soaker Shock-Troopers.

• The Death Star

Once England built up its empire, the Royal Navy grew and grew, as did the size of its ships, until 1812, when the ships were so big that they spanned the Atlantic Ocean. The Americans didn't like this, and it was one of the factors which sparked off the War of 1812 between England, the U.S.A. and Canada.

The Dreadnoughts were Britain's most powerful ships, but the German chocotastic bomb thwarted Britain's naval ambitions. This dashed inconvenience was resolved in 1903 with the inventon of the Watkin & Smythe Marmite cannon, annihilating the Nazi fleet and their inferior sausage-chomping tastebuds.

Ranks

Typical sailor of the Royal Navy

The perceived homosexual culture within the Royal Navy has greatly influenced the development of the names of ranks for both officers and, ahem, seamen. A complete, accurate list of ranks is difficult to come by as the Ministry of Defense has expended vast resources attempting to cover up the appropriate inappropriate names of the ranks. The following list is the best obtainable without Level Purple Delta 6 security clearance.

Commissioned Officers

Admiral of the Fleet - The Big Chief. He gets to drive any boat he wants.

Admiral - These fellows run the Royal Navy. (The Admiral of the Fleet is too busy driving any boat he wants.)

Vice-Admiral - These fellows attempt to eliminate all prostitution within the Royal Navy.

Rear Admiral - Too easy.

Commodore - An old computer.

Captain - Usually an ex-pirate, but not always the case.

Commander - Is not really in command, except when the Captain is off plundering.

Lieutenant-Commander - Exists.

Lieutenant - May exist.

Sub-Lieutenant - Not quite as easy as Rear Admiral, but there is definitely some sort of S&M or CBT overtone.

Midshipman - These lads are tasked with holding the two halves of the ship together.

Ratings and Other Ranks

Chief Petty Officer - The Little Chief. Must have an eye patch and at least one wooden leg.

Petty Officer - Fairly anal.

Leading Seaman - Sounds like leading semen.

Able Seaman - Sounds like able semen.

Ordinary Seaman - Sounds like ordinary semen.

Vessel Names

"Historically, the Royal Navy has named its vessels to convey a masculine and blatantly aggressive posture to Alan Sundry (the famous spokesman for middle England). This image is clearly out-of-line with modern trends towards a socially-aware and inclusive fighting and peace-keeping organisation. To complete our cultural transition, appropriate names for future vessels are invited, you festering turds." -- Admiral Crunch, speaking from the HMS Holocaust-Denial.

• HMS Afro - Patrolling the Jamaican seas
• HMS After8 - Navigating the western oceans after the 8 o' clock news
• HMS Al-Quack - Well it floats?
• HMS Ambivalence - NOT patrolling...just happening to be here...
• HMS Ambridge
• HMS Anglepoise - Lighting up the dark seas...
• HMS Arsenal - It WAS NOT a foul...
• HMS Aspect
• HMS Ass Dumpling
• HMS Audi - For that German efficiency.
• HMS Back-slider
• HMS Bartender - Can I see some ID.
• HMS Bathtub - Cleanest fighting sailors around.
• HMS Beagle - "This ship is a real dog" as Darwin was once quoted.
• HMS Best Value - The Tesco contribution to sea power.
• HMS Big Ship (after naming so many ships the imagination gave out)
• HMS Big Ship That Wanted to be a Little Ship
• HMS Bit Nippy
• HMS Blighty
• HMS Bob The Builder - Pride and glory of the new fleet, can fix any conflict
• HMS Bollocks - Well we all know about sea men.
• HMS Bounceout
• HMS Bouncer
• HMS Bovril
• HMS Buckstop
• HMS Bush - The prototype camouflage.
• HMS Cameltosis
• HMS Canned Ham - this boat is invincible to cannon fire and air attack but let's just hope the enemy doesn't have tin openers
• HMS Caveat
• HMS Cheerio!
• HMS Chertsey
• HMS Choad Weasel
• HMS Clipboard - The cannon fodder ship, shame really its full of bureaucrats and safety management.
• HMS Contraflow
• HMS Corsetry
• HMS Couch-Tater
• HMS Cream-of-the-Teas
• HMS Cuttlefish
• HMS Deadlock
• HMS Deckchair
• HMS Diffident
• HMS Dingleberry
• HMS Do-as-you-would-be-done-by
• HMS Doolittle
• HMS Dormouse
• HMS Dorothy Perkins
• HMS Dreadlock
• HMS Due Process
• HMS Dyson
• HMS Eeyore
• HMS End-of-the-Day
• HMS Epilepsy
• HMS Eyeliner
• HMS Far Queue
• HMS Fishpaste
• HMS Flounder
• HMS Flying Buttock
• HMS Flying Picket
• HMS Flyspray
• HMS Foreplay
• HMS Fudgepacker
• HMS Good Intent
• HMS Gumboot
• HMS Half-baked
• HMS Halibut
• HMS Hand-bag
• HMS Haversack
• HMS Hawtry
• HMS Her Indoors
• HMS Holocaust-Denial - What holocaust?
• HMS Hopeful Yet Resigned - Yeah, we'll sink...
• HMS Hostage Incident - We are holding out for a higher price, the paparazzi love that crap
• HMS Incontinent
• HMS Indecisive
• HMS Invisible
• HMS Jolly Miffed
• HMS Kipper
• HMS Kiwi
• HMS Koala
• HMS Keogh - foundering off the Lichfield Peninsular
• HMS Kwikfit
• HMS Liferaft
• HMS Ludo
• HMS Lulu
• HMS Makeweight
• HMS Makosi
• HMS Meldrew
• HMS Milliner
• HMS Moderator
• HMS Moorhen
• HMS Moose Knuckle
• HMS Mudchute
• HMS Muffin
• HMS Mullet
• HMS Nancy
• HMS Never mind the Rollocks
• HMS Nimmo
• HMS Notbothered
• HMS Nutsack
• HMS Occasional
• HMS Off-slip
• HMS Oscar Wilde
• HMS Our Majesties' Liposuction
• HMS Outnumbered
• HMS Ovaltine
• HMS Pantyhose
• HMS Paxman
• HMS Performance Indicator
• HMS Perpetual Refit
• HMS Pillowbiter
• HMS Pinafore - Ultimate ship of the entire Royal Navy fleet.
• HMS Ping-Pong
• HMS Pisspot
• HMS Poodle
• HMS Pot Noodle
• HMS Prawn Cocktail
• HMS Pugwash
• HMS Pukka
• HMS Putter
• HMS Resignation
• HMS Revolting
• HMS Rover - (always falling to pieces and being sold for £10)
• HMS Rumblestrip
• HMS Rushton
• HMS Sandcastle
• HMS Sausagefest
• HMS Sardine
• HMS Sea Breeze
• HMS Shag - (Need you ask?)
• HMS Shirtlifter
• HMS Sol Vita
• HMS Sign-on
• HMS Sinkable
• HMS Slipshod
• HMS Sloppy Joe
• HMS Smoothie
• HMS Spiffing
• HMS Summat
• HMS Surbiton
• HMS Tawdry Tart
• HMS Take That You Filthy French Swine
• HMS Teacake
• HMS Teaspoon
• HMS Terrapin
• HMS Thin-end-of-the-Wedge
• HMS Titanic II - The Unsinkable, mark II
• HMS Toadfish
• HMS Toastrack
• HMS Tojo
• HMS Token Gesture
• HMS Toshi
• HMS Tosspot
• HMS Tout
• HMS Tufty
• HMS Tumescent
• HMS Turd Burglar
• HMS Umpire
• HMS Unsinkable (this being the fifth ship to bear the name, the first four sank unexpectedly)
• HMS Vacuous
• HMS Viagra - We work miracles
• HMS Wag
• HMS Wannabe
• HMS Whatever
• HMS Whinging Pom
• HMS Wikipedia
• HMS Wilmslow
• HMS Womb Ferret
• HMS Woodstain
• HMS You Noob
• HMS Your Mother
• HMS Zipper Squid

Not to be Confused With

• Royal Air Force
• Heterosexuality
• Privateers

See also

• The Great British Dollar
• Tony Blair
• How Henry VIII travelled
• British Sea Power