Costa Coffee
- Whoops! Were you looking for a poor copy of Starbucks?
“Looks like a very original logo you have there”
“Yeah, their coffee makes you gay.”
“Let's go there, seems like the sort of overpriced snooty place we would like to linger around in for hours and hours”
 | |
| Type | Restaurant |
|---|---|
| Founder(s) | Bruno and Sergio Costa |
| Headquarters | Near the uni, England, UK |
| Industry | "Hospitality" |
| Products | Overpriced coffee (served with a smile!), various condiments and expired soft drinks stolen from local fast food restaurants. |
| Website | http://not-starbucks-no-way.net |
Costa Coffee is a coffee shop, operated by cheerful and bubbly Costa Rican people. Their beverages are widley accepted as the worst in the universe, after Vladmir Putin fell ill with rabies from being within a 15cm radius.
Natives[edit | edit source]
The cafe usually consists of University students and the middle classes. Unfortunately for the average tosser who buys coffee there, being around them may cause your ears to bleed due to the immense snobby tosh they are producing. With students it may be hard to understand them at all, as the average uni goer happens to speak 60mph faster than everybody else.
For some people, visiting the cafe may be viewed as a status symbol; showing they are respectable enough not to go somewhere which produces decent beverages for a less dear price tag
Ingredients[edit | edit source]
Although kept secret by the Cabal, leaked documents claim that Soil, Shit (horse, human and one legged pakistani ostrich), "chocolate" [1], possibly a few Kenco beans and goats milk. A whole bag of sugar counts as 'one sugar' - as an excuse to cover up the secrets that lie within. Some critics have dismissed this sugar rumour as too costly - but that would explain the ridiculously high prices for their drinks.
Advertising campaign[edit | edit source]
The adverting prowess that is Costa Coffee recently ran an ad in the cheap bit of the newspaper reads (the middle) claiming "7 out 10 coffee lovers prefer Costa coffee over Starbucks". There is one major flaw in this - these coffee lovers are all costa coffee customers themselves. Now, Having 7 out of 10 people preferring your brand in your own shop is not impressive in the least.
Just a shame the advert was based on bullsht
Service[edit | edit source]
At best, it's 15 minutes. If not, expect with the next week. The slaves hands are becoming more and more swollen from handling scalding kettles. You may find body parts in your food (of course, if you go to KFC often you will find this as the norm).
Competition[edit | edit source]
Costa coffee is rapidly losing to small corner shops all over the country. Sadly, most corner shops are starting to sell manure, a key ingredient in their products. The American monopoly father Starbucks are also constantly being superior in every area and stealing costa coffees 'elite' consumers.
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- You will always find a Costa Coffee in the same streets as the dominant brabooks.
- Costa coffee makes you gay.
- Bin laden trains his waiters there.
- Barack Obama burnt down one in Cambridge city centre when he was 3 years old. There is a plaque in memory of this.
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ The authenticy of calling this substance 'chocolate' is widely debated.