Maggie Thatcher

Admit it, you would have.

Margaret Hilda Zelda Thatcher, Baroness Harkonnen (13 October 1925 – 8 April 2013) was the first woman prime minister in British history. Among her great and glorious accomplishments were the final subjugation of Scotland and Ireland, the re-establishment of the British Empire, and the complete destruction of Argentina.

Born in the good old days to responsible, upstanding members of society, Thatcher was elected Supreme Ruler of the Conservative Party during the 1980s, following a successful stint as a risqué model. After her regrettable expulsion from the industry, she underwent a series of minor surgical adjustments, readying herself for competition in UK politics.

Her political career was considered by multiple critics as one of the most illustrious in UK history. A born social crusader, Thatcher gave her all to improve the lot of the poor, disadvantaged, or underprivileged in the wonderful country that she inherited. Employing such tactics as international diplomacy, economic stimulation, and empathy with the less fortunate, she is fondly remembered in many parts of the country as a truly groundbreaking political leader.

Early life and career

Margaret Thatcher, the new attractive face of exploitation

From an early age, the young Thatcher showed great talent as an entrepreneur. Beginning her career at the age of seven, her work began with liberating others of unnecessary possessions, which she eventually refined by learning to sell these on to create maximum profit. Encouraged by her parents, Thatcher nurtured this skill for deceit in the name of profit, eventually incorporating it into her later ministerial career.

As she grew older, Thatcher began to forsake the route through economics and hard work that she had once seemed so suited for, choosing instead to use her much-lauded good looks to earn a living. Making a name for herself in the pornographic industry, a fact that she later chose to obscure, Thatcher became a household name.

However, success is an all-too-fleeting thing, and Thatcher was eventually forced to forsake the industry, citing irreconcilable differences, and a director's ominious suggestion that what she had to offer simply "wasn't enough anymore". Following this rejection, Thatcher suffered what some have termed "a minor mental breakdown", changing her whole appearance and image in order to escape the Margaret of the past. Metal exoskeleton and miles of internal wiring now intact, she was soon well-equipped to pursue a career in UK politics.

Premiership of the United Kingdom

Thatcher always maintained that unfortunate muscular spasms caused her hand to be raised to such an alarming angle. Leading grief counsellors, however, suggest that it was an autonomic reaction to remembering rejection from her first love.

In the late 1970s Thatcher was appointed to the Conservative Party – at the time, and to date, the most sexually repressed major political party. Quickly making waves in Parliament, as many men simply focused on how her mouth moved as she made speeches rather than the liquid fascism it emitted, Thatcher was eventually promoted high up through the ranks of the party by men who enjoyed her company very much. Elected as Conservative leader soon after her admittance to the party, Thatcher was one of the most-viewed and most-endorsed election candidates throughout history, as men just couldn't get enough of her. Thatcher famously carried a handbag with her wherever she went. On occasion she used this to batter three Soviet leaders to death, and once defeated an entire Panzer division using only her handbag.

When she was elected as Prime Minister, the entire male populace had a collective orgasm. Shaking the hands of grinning supporters, she promised that Britain would be made great again, and that this was the "new dawn" of a "perfect society". However, her appeal began to wane as time marched on, and her attractive exterior gave way to a dangerously right-wing set of policies. Originally admiring her svelte form and boyish good looks, supporters eventually became worried about the toothbrush-shaped moustache that seemed never to vanish from her rugged countenance, and the muscular problems that forced her right arm to be held permanently at right angles to her body. Sadly, these worries were only further complicated by Thatcher's achievements when in power.

Modelling her mode of government on a style that had proven very successful in 1930s Germany, Thatcher set about revolutionising the social and economic climate of Britain. Employing harsh tactics in order to galvanise a stagnating British economy, Thatcher created a huge motivation on the part of the British people to work – indeed, such were her successes that thousands felt desperate for opportunities to have jobs. She also restructured the dangerously communist mess that was British society, restoring it to its former glory and making sure the working classes were firmly subdued. In addition to this, she was a firm believer in social unity, promoting the good of corporations – which, as the electorate firmly understood, are just one big happy family – and doing all in her power to give them an easier time. Due to these aims and achievements, she can truly be classed as a social philanthropist.

Funeral

On 8 April 2013, following her final dancing show at the Ritz, Thatcher died from being stroked too many times by admiring Tory boys. Fortunately the British people have been planning her death for some time.

Scotland requested that they be allowed to do the honors, specifically because they wished to ensure that Thatcher had actually died. Plans for the Scottish funeral involved a 21-cannon salute carried out by the artillery detachment of the Black Watch. Rather than use blanks, the Black Watch would fire live high explosive shells directly into Thatcher's coffin. The coffin's remains would then be gleefully urinated upon by drunken members of the Scottish public. Most Scots feel that this would be an appropriately solemn farewell to the dictator they so adore. Some have suggested a stake through the corpse's heart and an exorcism ritual, although the existence of Thatcher's heart itself is open to debate after what happened in the Eighties. Not being able to locate it would seem to present an insurmountable obstacle to any such memorial act.

The way in which Thatcher's corpse will be disposed has not yet been decided. A whitepaper published in Science in 2009 discussed the viability of a number of options. On cremation, it stated that the corpse of a lich is notoriously difficult to burn, and attempting to burn the body of the arch-lich herself would undoubtedly result in failure. Burial was also considered, but the estimated cost to prevent the inevitable haunting of the area surrounding the burial site was deemed to be too high. The subject would need to be buried below a bloodstone 2.5km in diameter, which itself would need to be sealed via sacrificing the lives of 250 union members atop the aforementioned stone. Experts in the field are currently looking towards recent advancements in nuclear waste storage, and 2.5% of the UK budget is put aside annually for ongoing research and development into the potential solutions to Thatcher Storage.

See also

• UnNews:Margaret Thatcher tragically dies 30 years too late
• Information on Reagan's phone sex affair with Thatcher
• UnNews:Thatcher's second heart to lead her to re-election?
• George Osborne
• Thatchers' Britain
• Ronald Reagan
• Falklands War
• Fascist
• Sexy
• Hell