Michael Barrymore

Promo image for Barrymore's Pumping Death.

Michael Kieron Parker (born 4 May 1952), known by the stage name Michael 'The Seal' Barrymore, is an English comedian and television presenter best known for hosting numerous popular British quiz shows such as Strike It Lucky and My Kind of Music, and for ejaculating into a drug-filled partygoer shortly prior to drowning him in a swimming pool. He is also the Guinness World Record holder for Fastest Road Consumption, after successfully eating and digesting a mile-long length of the A9814 near Oollaalerton in 31.8 picoseconds.

Early life

Barrymore was brought up by a single father who owned a bitumen factory. His father, Gusguquain Barrymore, an Irish potato famine denier, often worked long hours and rarely saw his son; indeed when young Michael was only 7 years old, he found an aptitude for the talent which would, later in life, lead to a great many television offers and also indirectly to him penetrating a heroin-filled future murder victim's anus. Gusguquain was horrified when, early one morning, he opened the factory doors to find Michael had eaten no less than seven tons of bitumen, and during a freak stock market crash which temporarily left bitumen more valuable than Queen's Eggs. Barrymore vomited the bitumen into roads for model villages on a TV talent show, and thus the star was born. Barrymore also inherited his father's denial of the Irish Potato Famine.

Career

Barrymore's first TV offer was to come in 1989, in the form of the co-presenter of ITV's response to the growing craze for road consumption in Britain's schoolyards during the 1980s, My Kind of Bitumen Eaters, along with Steve Davis. Shortly after this, the pair met in the World Groin Championship Championships, a hybrid tournament which comprised the best elements of road-eating and snooker into an exciting game which lasts up to three days per frame. After the consumption of roads was banned in the spring of 1990 due to an incident involving a boy turning himself into the B2643 and subsequently being run over by 490 cars, Barrymore was snapped up straight away as the voiceover for Channel 4's short-lived fly-on-the-wall documentary How Does Johnny 5 Wank?, which was cancelled following a record 184,800 complaints about the first episode, ranging from "Dominik Diamond's head should never have been anywhere near that horse's intestines" to "I was shocked and disgusted whilst trying to eat a lovely bit of roast lamb at 6:30 yesterday to witness former road-eating superstar Michael Barrymore describing a mechanical construct ejaculating motor oil onto respected politicians' faces as "a moment I'll be reliving in bed tonight!". I am also disgusted at the absurd length of attributed quotes on internet websites that have not been created yet.".

In spite of all this, Barrymore's winning personality, charming demeanour and propensity for ejaculating into men prevailed and the TV offers continued to flood in like water into a drowning man's destroyed rectal cavity. In 1993, Barrymore became the presenter of ITV's longest-running quiz show The Clifton Factor, where contestants had their mental and physical strength tested with tough questions and even tougher physical exercises whilst wearing ostrich-legs costumes. The star claims in subsequent interviews that "Some of the shoots on The Clifton Factor were the best times of my life - aside from when I'm having crazy coke-fuelled pool rape rampages, of course".

Murder Inquiry

In 2001, the floating corpse of "meat inspector" Stuart Lubbock was found in Barrymore's pool, with traces of cocaine in his bloodstream and "severe anal injuries". It is impossible to say how the man came to be in this condition, as the trial is still in progress, but far be it from this article to speculate on such sensitive matters. It should be pointed out, however, that when news of the incident reached Mrs. Dorothy Replacement (82) of Dogworth, Cheshire, she was quoted as saying "I knew it, you could always tell, he had a funny walk about him like one of them queers, all bent out of shape like that poor man's rectum. Never had anything like that in my day". While Mrs. Replacement is not considered a legal expert on such matters, she has been consulted in the past by the police on gang violence following her letter "Them Bloody Nig-Nogs Are Always Killing Each Other You Know, Just Look At All Those Civil Wars In Africa, We Ought To Deport The Lot" being printed in the Daily Mail, and eventually serialised as a three-part miniseries on ITV3.

In 2007, Barrymore was finally found guilty of raping Lubbock to death whilst in a Tenazadrine-induced frenzy. The honourable judge David Dickinson referred to key witnesses at the scene, who had alluded to Barrymore's "wild enlarged eyeballs" and "minotaur-like stance" as he did the deed. An unnamed testimony from a hidden witness, known only as 'Cheryl' and believed to be communicating from beyond the grave, testified that Barrymore was a true menace, who would tie ropes around young children and dump them into a Bovril-filled jacuzzi repeatedly, roughly masturbating as he watched & rode around the garden on the back of a stolen goat. Barrymore was sentenced to 9 years in prison, all the while forced to be a pen-pal to O.J. Simpson, thereby exchanging weekly letters with the former running back and punishment-shirker. It is believed that Barrymore, who now prefers to be known as 'Benjamin Button', has thus far avoided any further misdemeanours, although curiously his cell is filled with 3 bags of amniotic fluid every month or two, when he also flushes a shrivelled and malnourished foetus down his toilet.

Barrymore was quoted as saying "Well it was a complete accident I'm not a strong swimmer and got into a bit of a panic. On top of this it was dark and I had chlorine in my eyes. He happened to be wearing bright orange trunks and in my confused state I mistook him for an armband. Could of happened to anyone." soon after he was found guilty.

Barrymore will be eligible for parole in 2010. Lock up your daughters sons - just lock up everything, awight?

For more information on this (well, I say information, it's not really that informative, but it might get a few laughs out of ya) see Michael Barrymore's Guide to Pool Parties.

Libel (or slander) Trial

Michael Barrymore attempted to sue Uncyclopedia for "libel and/or slander" (when asked, he said "they're pretty much the same thing right?") in January of 2010, but the case was dismissed on grounds that taking place in the future constituted contempt of court. This, of course, was the crucial precedent cited in Connor vs. T-1000, and ironically enough made Barrymore indirectly responsible for saving seven billion lives. However, since the events he has still only managed to secure one TV role, presenting "XTREME Lasertag" on UK XTR3M3X ("THE HOME OF FACEBOARDING", channel 471 on Sky).

Canned revival attempt

Studio executives got together with Barrymore and brainstormed a new idea that would be both a guaranteed cash cow and jump-start Barrymore's professional career again. Many months of arduous research and opinion polls were conducted in finding the right vehicle for this near miraculous come-back. Barrymore is set to star in a failed reality show "exclusive" on ITV1 some time in late 2007, after which he'll return to a "prime-time" slot on ITV3 with his new show, Barrymore's Pumping Death. The format of the show has not yet been finalised, but it is rumoured Barrymore insisted upon this name, and also insisted his copresenter would be a man who makes the "HOT SPOT" noise from Strike it Lucky when he ejaculates, which he would do at humourous intervals throughout the show, and occasionally onto celebrities "like the gunging on Noel's House Party, but with spunk like Noel's Bukkake Experience". A co-presenter who fits this description has not yet been found, although it is rumoured Craig Charles is attempting to fund an operation which would allow him to qualify.

Television Cumback

It has recently been revealed that Barrymore is to be one of the contestants on the forthcoming eleventy-fifth series of Big Bother, where unknown and aged celebs, along with midgets are locked into a warehouse full of cameras in Kidneypool, UK, where they will be systematically drugged and pool fisted by Barrymore and a full compliment of costume-clad henchmen. When asked whether he intends to pursue this new direction for his career further, Barrymore caught fire and started running at 88 miles per hour towards Mecca.

Trivia

Dale Winton, prior to the incident with Barrymore.

• Michael Barrymore's house doesn't have a single ashtray in it, because he puts his fags out in the pool.
• Michael Barrymore's face starts flashing red when he ejaculates.
• In 1989, Barrymore became the first person to be arrested under the new law against "Attempting to compromise the anal integrity of a Beefeater guard".
• Barrymore's autobiography was initially called I Really Wish They Hadn't Found That Drug-Filled Corpse Packed With My Man Mayonnaise but was later changed to Barrymore: My Kind of Rapist after pressure from the publisher.
• Barrymore met his ex-wife aboard a cruise ship where she was one of the singers and he was the compére. They attempted to write a song about it following on the success of Copacabana, but could not find a good rhyme for "compére".
• Barrymore married his ex-wife aboard the same cruise ship, the Lucky Luck, which was pillaged and sunk by pirates on its very next voyage.
• Barrymore is better known in the USA as M-Boy, the breakdancing superstar. He holds the world record for most consecutive head spins (938).
• Barrymore's sister Tito Äschergrönerfeldstenkröder-Barrymore is widely known in the alchemical sector for being the first person to synthesise lead from gold.
• Barrymore has fourteen lungs, although only eight are used for respiration. The other six are used to launder Vietnamese currency.
• Barrymore's prostate is filled with tomb dust.
• In the Pacific island of Auouao, Barrymore's chin is revered as a god. However, his forehead is feared as a devil and is said to bring about the disappearance and eventual finding (albeit with significantly more rectal puncturing) of young members of the tribe.
• Barrymore's chosen weapon is a 3 foot long, black, rubber, double ended dildo named "Mr. Thrashlord". Primarily he uses it as a type of cudgel but has been known, on occasion, to wield it as if it were a boomerang. When asked about the dildo, Dale Winton was seen shrieking and rapidly shedding layers of artificial tan, before running into a dressing room and reportedly buying a one-way ticket to Paraguay by phone. Legend has it, the weapon can take many different avatars and was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
• Before the pool incident, Barrymore had been hotly tipped to play the role of Frodo in the upcoming Lord of the Rings films. Unfortunately for Barrymore, Peter Jackson did not believe that a game of Strike It Lucky atop Mount Doom would be a suitable climax to the trilogy.
• Michael's catchphrase 'All White' came about after he attended a Nazi rally, in the mistaken belief that all of the leather-clad attendees were up for a bit of rear-end action. After finding out that only 75% of the attendees enjoyed taking it up the tradesman's entrance, he had time to listen to the message of racial intolerance and decided to adopt it as his expression of choice. Many people mistakenly believe it to be 'Alright?', as in the sort of question you might ask someone monged out of their head on drugs and lying face down in your swimming pool with a cock up their arse. However, as Michael himself quips, 'Nope, it's "All White" for me. The only way I'm interested in anything dark is if it's covered in you-know-what after having been pulled out of my fudge tunnel'
• In a series of tests it emerged that the Titanic was actually sunk with a right hook from Mr Barrymore. Until then the almighty power of his fist hadn't been officially confirmed.

Awards

• 1978 - Won the West Analsby Junior Regional Road Consumption Festival.
• 1979 - Came runner up in the British Junior Road Consumption Phantasmagoria '79 (Sponsored by BITUMENTASTIC! Road-Flavoured Soft Drinks).
• 1988 - Voted TV Guide's Quiz Show Host I'd Most Like To Kick In The Face Until Their Jaw Turns To Paté.
• 1997 - Voted Maxim Magazine's Rear Destroyer of the Year.
• 2000 - Declared the Guinness World Record holder for Fastest Road Consumption, a record he holds to this day. In breaking the record he also coincidentally broke the record for Largest unbroken mass of solid bitumen to come out of a man's anus.
• 2003 - Received an Academy Award for Best Pool Rapist, and a nomination for Best Total Destruction Of An Anus In Chlorinated Water. He was beaten to the latter by Michael Moore.
• 2003 - Voted Rohypnol Alternative of the Year.

Opinions

The following are celebrities' opinions of Michael Barrymore which are not fictional.

“Anally raping grown men? Disgusting. Small boy-prostitutes are where it's at.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Michael Barrymore

“I ain't never raped nobody and dumped them in no swimming pool, but if I did you can bet your ass it would be twenty men, and drugs you never even heard of.”

~ Samuel L Jackson on Michael Barrymore

“Get that motherfuckin' cock out of my motherfuckin' ass, motherfucker!”

~ Samuel L Jackson to Michael Barrymore

“Who Michael? Top, middle or bottom....which floor did he jump from? Angelina I want me man back.”

~ Jennifer Anniston to Michael Barrymore