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“I do it myself, sometimes.”

“This store is poorly managed and treats its customers badly.”

“We've got your money, now fuck off!”

~ B&Q on customer service

B&Q pic is a British owned chain of DIY stores in the UK, Ireland and China. The stores are designed to be exactly like Home Depot stores, right down to the layout and colour scheme.


B&Q was founded in 1969 by a renegade astronaut and a former SS guard. It is named after its founders, Dick Blockhead and Baron von Queerhausen. In 1972, the founders were framed for a crime they didn't commit (trying to burn the store down and claim the insurance), and so the company was acquired by a secret foundation which currently operates the stores as an evil social experiment. Some of the research conducted to date includes depriving staff of dignity by mandating the wearing of retarded orange 'bibs' and fucking customers over by applying arbitrary return policy rules.

Shopping Experience[edit]

If you're thinking of buying a kitchen from B&Q they have a number of services to help you out. First of all is their amazing kitchen design service. B&Q's highly trained CAD operators will take your measurements and enter different dimensions, which they prefer, into their computer. They will then design a kitchen not according to what you want, but to maximise their commission.

The highly computerised system will then print out a copy of what you need which is done by an untrained monkey wearing an orange bib who types slowly into another computer.

A hard working, selfless, helpful employee of B&Q. Ralph has been an invaluable asset to this company since you walked into the store.

Additionally it makes sure to ocassionally get the barcode numbers and quantities wrong. At this point you pay for your kitchen. Your credit card number will be stored safely in an unencrypted text file on an open network drive which all the staff have access to. The username and password for the stores computers is the same store ID printed in massive text on most of the pallets of crap for sale. We take pride in our security.

Your kitchen order is then printed out again and passed to the warehouse, were a second unseen monkey, usually with a spent criminal record, will type into another computer in preparation for 'picking' to put on the delivery truck. Once again, this idiot will have trouble reading instructions and will pick erroneous items and quantities and deliver them to your door.

That is of course if they find your house, which isn't always guaranteed.

Anyway, assuming you got your stuff, you'll find that lots of it doesn't fit and large quantities of stuff is wrong, which will make you want to exchange it. This should be no bother, afterall B&Q already have your money so they should be delighted to help you out. Oh wait, but no. They'll have a spotty dour faced school kid who'll tell you he can't do anything. You'll then need to go through a 'system' of asking to see a manager, explaining you've spent thousands of pounds with them, they've messed up the order and eventually you might even need to phone the head office, your local member of parliament, or The A-Team, but more often than not they'll bend and sort you out with the correct cupboard doors.

Except you'll then find that the lights they sold you for your kitchen are actually death traps. Ironically the fire investigator, looking into the cause of your family being burnt horrifically to death, will find out that it was the holder for the safety fuse in the chinese made, cheap piece of shit, lighting transformer that overheated and started the blaze. However, your death wont be totally in vain, often when a product is faulty B&Q will refund the value of the item to your next of kin.


The company's original slogan was 'You can do it, when you B&Q it!' This was subsequently shortened to 'Let's do it!' as it was deemed to be more "female friendly". The slogan is today 'Think about it, before you do it!', and in order to promote sales of safety goggles 'Always use protection!'

The company's mission statement was changed from "Selling people stuff with which to improve their homes" to "Shafting honest people out of their money by exchanging their hard earned wages for low grade crap".

In 2004 B&Q Branch in Lewes Road Brighton East Sussex under the management of Mr Gary Curtis and Mr Ian Kavanagh as the Grass Roots Internal Union Representative had a particularly sickening slogan for non-white customers, the phrase used was "Niggers". The company made its policy clear through Mr Kavanagh about what happened to staff that objected to this policy. The companies threat was "we will see that no nigger lover will ever find work in this town" In 2011 B&Q was successfully prosecuted for Racism.

Power Tools[edit]

B&Q sell a range of high quality power tools, the likes of which make Black & Decker and Bosch quiver in fear. 'Performance Power' tools are genuinely awesome, and have never been described by a Professor of Electrical Machines as "the worst electric motors I have seen in my 50 year career." Some of the features include the drill bits shattering halfway into your wall, the screw driver bits having the hardness of Play-doh, and the electric saws having safety shields that keep jamming such that you can easily take your arm off if you need to.

Christmas Crap[edit]


For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about B&Q.
A lovely display of B&Q's finest christmas tree.

B&Qs artificial christmas trees are well known to overheat, have exposed mains, voltage wiring, and sharp pointy metal bits, all of which add to the joy of the seasonal festivities...at the mortuary.

Barbeques and Patio Heaters[edit]

During summer time you can pick up one of B&Q's range of shitty BBQs. These are shipped with the wrong type of gas bottle connector, so the customer has to sort this out for themselves. Alternatively if you buy a Patio Heater, with which to bring the fight to global warming, you'll find this comes with a special gas connector which only B&Q sells the bottles of gas for. Except, they'll rarely have them in stock, and you'll get pissed off trying to find a member of staff to ask when they'll be coming back in. Of course, any answer the staff gives you will be a lie, because B&Q's stock fulfillment computer system is about as good as their kitchen ordering system.


Now that the summer if over, you should be the sheep that B&Q imagines you are and deck your house out with a cheap, clearly fake, artifical fireplace. Imagine sitting in your council house with your massive plasma TV and a roaring lightbulb with orange paper in front of it. You are, literally, a king among men!