Mr. Bean

Even playground building companies love think about him.

Mr. Bean is hailed as the original prototype Reality TV game show. Running from 1990 to 1995, Mr. Bean followed the eponymous star's every movement with the use of covert cameras, endlessly creating various traps and pitfalls for Mr. Bean to walk headlong into. Bean is also a member of rock group Take That.

Conception

In the summer of 1989 the BBC wrote to the Head of Light Entertainment with an idea to create a program that followed the life of an ordinary man subjected to extraordinary things. Understandably, the Head of Light Entertainment replied to their requests with a cry of "Bollocks!", and so the script writers went to ITV instead.

Mr. Bean shortly after his daily nappy change.

At the time, ITV were in trouble in the Saturday Ratings War. The BBC had just started a new program, Noel's Torture Party, where Noel Edmonds would subject celebrities of the day to such entertaining tortures as "The Rack", "The Iron Maiden" and "The Pit Of Molten Lava". Viewers were switching on in their millions to see which minor celebrity would get horribly disfigured this week, leaving ITV's flagship show, Michael Barrymore's I'm So Rich And You're Not So Nyah with ratings in the tens. In short, ITV were desperate for a breakthrough.

The script writers idea, at this time codenamed "Ha Ha Ha, Look At That Prat Fall Over", was quickly snapped up by ITV, and auditions for the main star began over the winter of 1989. Soon enough, they had found their perfect star in Mr. Bean

His balls were mighty, and got man boobs

Mr. Bean

Mr. Bean, full name Barnes Quentin Tarquin Farnham Bean, was born in Shellow Bowells, Essex, in 1958. At the time of the audition, he was living in a bedsit in Kent, and was working as a chicken farmer nearby.

He was not immediately arresting to the eye, being of average build and stature. However, his personality was what drew him to the director's eyes. He was extremely quiet, and would do anything that was asked of him with only mild mutters of annoyance, even if he knew he was likely to screw it up. Indeed, the more annoyed he was, the more likely he was to screw up - something that the director was looking for, as he knew that Bean was going to get annoyed very often. He also had his own catchphrase of sorts - "I'll get you back for that, you pesky rabbit!" - which he would say when something went disastrously wrong.

The production team signed Mr. Bean almost immediately, without giving him any clue as to what the TV show would entail. He still doesn't know they are filming him.

Take That (1984-1997)

Bean joined music group Take That in 1984. He wrote numerous songs with the band. He has been the most popular member in the 1980s but the fame was taken from him in the 1990s when Jason Orange joined.

On their Everything Changes tour in 1994, he was known to have verbally abused George Harrison after he questioned Bean on his poor singing voice and his poor dancing skills. He also attempted to bomb the President of Korea along with fellow members Gary Barlow and Robbie Williams.

In 2002, Steve Martin quoted him as being the most insane music star in the music industry. Martin got sued by Bean in 2004 for $1bn, and Bean also managed to win Martin's wife in the case. She is believed to be imprisoned in the cellar at Bean's Bangkok mansion.

The TV Show

Mr. Bean, disobeying ninja code by showing off his ninja skillz.

After leaving Take That in early 1997, Bean went on to star in his own television show, Mr. Bean. The first series of Mr. Bean began in May, 1997. In the very first episode, Mr. Bean was told to go into his shed and get a pot plant. He managed to do this, but not before being hit on the head with a shovel, annoying some very angry wasps, spraying his face with weed killer, almost losing a finger (and actually losing his wallet) to an extremely large Venus Fly Trap, and making the shed implode via a mysterious matter-antimatter reaction.

The program was an immediate hit, and started drawing viewers from the BBC and Noel Edmond's evil clasp by the thousands. By the end of the series (which involved an incident involving Mr. Bean, a tub of ice cream, seven pairs of roller skates and the whole population of Luxembourg) they had won the war, and the BBC were forced to show old Carry On Films such as "Carry On Pizza Hut Employee", Carry On Gynaecologist, and Carry On Into Eating Your Relatives.

However, it can be argued that the show is funny. This is due to some people having low IQs.

It should also be noted that Mr. Bean was an apprentice ninja. You can tell this by looking at the poster for Mr. Bean's Holiday. he also decided he would eat timmm-mm-mmmmm-mm and send emails to Adriana Lobuono while eating from Kain Howard's pants

The Bean Machine

The show was also famous for the green British Leyland Mini which Mr Bean drove with much affection. Bean was often filmed caressing and smothering the machine, spoiling it during birthday's and Christmas's. Such was the popularity of the car that the writers decided to give it a title, hence the name The Bean Machine. The Bean Machine was a massive worldwide success and had by series 3 of Mr Bean, already been commissioned it's own self titled spin off show which regularly attracted up to 20 million viewers a week in the UK alone. It was arguably bigger than it's parent show. Bean Machine made the covers of such iconic magazines as Time who sensationally claimed that the car was 'The Greatest TV Icon of the 20th Century'. A foray into the music industry occurred as it released it's own Children In Need charity single, a cover of The Beatles's 'Drive My Car'. The success of the charity single led to a full album covering the hits of country siblings Don and Phil Everly called 'The Bean Machine Sings The Everly Brothers'. Sales were incredibly strong and demand was so great that it surpassed Oasis's Be Here Now as the fastest UK selling album of all time shifting 1 million records in it's first week and to date 18 million copies worldwide.

Trouble emerged though when British Leyland launched a lawsuit on the writers of Mr Bean for breaking the naming rights of the car. After a prolonged case, British Leyland came out on top and won their claim of £2, thus losing the right for the writers to use the title Bean Machine. Writers tried but failed to come up with a new commercially attractive name for the car. 'Mr Bean's Metal Love Box' was initially used for the car but was swiftly dumped on the claims that it sounded 'sexually suggestive'. In failing to come up with a new name producers pulled the tv programme and all merchandising and music accompanied with the product. To this day Mr Bean's mini continues to be loyal to it's bumbling owner.

Episode Guide

Season 1 1990-1991

• "I'm Mr Bean" We are introduced to the character Mr Bean. In the very first episode, he draws Porn in an exam, performs a striptease on the beach and kills the vicar with a Jolly Rancher.

• "Mr Bean Fucks off" The second episode, in which Mr Bean falls into a Great British Mine Shaft and rapes the Trix Rabbit.

• "Everybody hates Mr Bean" After nearly choking to death on a toy Soldier, he peels his penis then eats it for lunch.

• "Bean Fortress 2" Mr Bean Hires the Demoman to assassinate Arnold Schwarzenegger. He fails, but manages to steal his cookies.

• "Bean there, done that" Mr Bean catches swine flu from his doorknob and sprays the whole apartment in poo. It took 8 weeks to clean up.

• "Merry Fucking Christmas Mr Bean" After suffering from Swine Flu, Mr Bean gambles teddy for a chance to win a packet of M&Ms, and punches every single thing he sees in the face. At 4 am Santa Claus visits him, which is followed by Mr Bean blasting his brains out with an AK-47 using butter as bullets.

• "I want to sodding kill Jason Orange" After listening to his Take That records, he goes on a rampage to murder former member Jason Orange. He fails after Howard Donald shoos him off with a penknife.

Season 2 1991-1992

• "Mr Bean in Iraq" Mr Bean travels to Iraq to deliver some Joe Camel merchandise to Osama BeanLaden, his cousin.

Season 16 2005-2006

• "7/7" After watching an Islamic extremist documentary, Mr Bean decides to blow up London! He blows up the whole city killing thousands of people in the blasts. Police officers and the SWAT army try and take him down but fail. Bean giggles at all the dead people that night.

• "Gobbet Of Fire" After watching Harry Potter at the cinema, Mr Bean invites Irma his wife to his Halloween party. He tries to make his own fiery goblet. He does a chemical experiment using blue fire but Irma warns him it’s dangerous. Not listening to her, Bean accidentally causes it to explode causing a house explosion! Mrs Wicket is severely injured in the blast. After firefighters and paramedics attend to the scene, Mr Bean is arrested for chemical damage the police think it’s arson. He is not jailed but fined and kept in custody for a month.

More to be added soon!

It was then quickly decided that the series would jump forward from series 3 to series 50, because fuck numbers.

Characters

Mr Bean is the main protagonist of the series. He is autistic as revealed in the 1st episode. He has a fetish for Teddy, his toy bear who he thinks is real. In the episode "Hotty", he has crazy sex with the bear. He supports Arsenal football club as revealed in the episode "Jamie Studds". He is a Labour Party supporter. He thinks the Conservatives are dirty shithead wankers. As said earlier, he doesn’t speak much and makes noises and gets excited pissing the Londoners off.

The Bruisers are the biggest fat bastard family who live next door. Their father Connor Bruiser is a drug dealer, alcoholic and criminal. His son is a massive pillock and a retard and is a massive fan of Arsenal football club like his father and sister. He is addicted to Fortnite and Call of duty. Their daughter is a fanny and a porn model. Finally, Connor's wife and the kids mother is also addicted to cannabis. So that is why they are.... THE MOST FUCKED UP BASTARD CUNT FAMILY IN THE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD!!!!!!! It is also revealed they are a working class family and they are Labour Party supporters according to the episode "Royal Bean".

Mrs Wicket is a fucking old granny nattering fat cunt who loves wrestling and overeating. She celebrates gluttony at Christmas and on her birthday. She despises Mr Bean and regularly threatens to kill him.

Irma Gobby is Mr Bean's stick thin midget gobby girlfriend. She is a very stuck up cunt according to Mr Bean. She is from Kensington, she reveals in "Young Bean". No wonder she wears posh red heels, a beige coat and rectangle glasses with a fucking bun head.

End of the series

By the end of the 67th series, Mr. Bean was starting to get a bit tired. He had been blown up, shot at, cooked, fried, grilled, boiled, microwaved, burnt, electrocuted, chased, huffed, choked, beaten up, shaken, stirred, disintegrated, raped, chopped up, eaten by a Grue catapulted, cremated, deceived, embarrassed, arrested, imprisoned, executed, disfigured, dismembered, disemboweled and beheaded too many times to mention, and to add to that he was starting to get terrible cramp in his left foot. Worst of all, he was forced to appear on Michael Parkinson's chat show. ITV agreed to let him go and do his own stuff after the 68th series had finished.

After the end of the final series, Mr. Bean tried to start up a musical career. His first album, Bean To Hell And Back, described by the NME as "pop meets ska meets morris dancing", only sold three copies - and two of those were bought by Mr. Bean himself, Although still managed to top the charts for 12 weeks. He gradually, became popular in Korea.

An actual script for an actual episode of Mr Bean == "Mr Bean goes to the dentist and has problems" (not to be confused with the similar script, "Mr Bean goes to the doctors and has problems")

Mr. Bean's Relatives

• 

  Mr. Mona L. Bean

• 

  Mrs. Gloria "Bean" Macapagal-Arroyo

• 

  Pope Beanedict XVI

• 

  Captain "Bean" Sparrow

• 

  "Mrs. Amorosi Bean"

• 

  Mr. George W. Bean

• 

  Super Pink Bean

Mr Bean's Screwed Dirty Porn Holiday Released in 2007

After cheating in a church raffle by swapping an spastic lady's ticket, Mr Bean wins a holiday to Cannes, an Iphone and €1000 Euros. On the way to Paris he flirts with a Eurostar lady and she takes her top off leading him to suck her tits. The lady gives him a porn magazine and a hot toddy before arriving in the red light city of Paris. In Paris, Bean steals a VR headset off a boy and plays Fortnite Run on it smashing into many real life cars. He even trespasses on a graveyard and smashes it with a pickaxe! Later, Bean nearly gets strangled to death by a vending machine because he wanted to have sex with it causing him to miss the train. He arrives in Le Train Bleu which means the Train puked. He orders snails he thought was garlic magic mushrooms. He smashes the snails with a mallet and shoves it up the waiter's arsehole!

He asks a man on the platform to film him doing a sexy act before the train. The man's son is mysteriously watching him and gets off to laugh. Mr Bean then grabs the boy and runs on the train. Just as the boy's father gets on, the door slams shut. He screams MONSIEUR BEAN YOU FUCKING PAEDOPHILE!!!!! It's true, Mr Bean is a paedophile. He looks at the boy named Stepan Dachevsky on Instagram son of Emil and Franny Dachevsky. He plans to take photos of Stepan's naked body later in the toilet. Stepan visits the toilet and just as he pulls his pants down to show his shiny ass, Mr Bean snaps photos of Stepan's penis, butt and legs! He sends the photos onto a porn website. Soon he gets 500 likes under fake name Mr Monsieurdendachevsky. They get off at Le Creusot. Whilst Stepan tries to call his father, Mr Bean is planning to rape Stepan in a toilet later. He searches for toilets at Le Creusot but there is none. As soon as the pair board the next train, Mr bean drinks 8 glasses of red wine and gets so drunk he sings loudly pissing everyone off. Stepan ignores him and plays on his DS.

In Avignon, Mr Bean tricks Stepan by telling him they were going to a porn shop to buy magazines for Sabine, Mr Bean's crush but he takes him to the toilet instead. Mr Bean rapes Stepan by sucking his dick, spitting on it, shoving his dick up Stepan's ass and ejaculating on his shoes. He screams STEPAN IS FUCKING SEXY!! Stepan screams for help but Mr Bean puts duct tape over his mouth. Eventually police officers enter the toilet and batter Mr Bean with a baseball bat and rescue Stepan. Mr Bean is arrested for rape and assault. He is fined €5000 Euros for the sick act. The French police fly him home to London. Mr Bean is now deported from France for life.

Meanwhile Stepan recovers from the attack with two police officers. Stepan tells them Mr Bean raped him, took pictures of his naked body and snatched him from his father. The police give Stepan €7500 Euros for his bravery. His parents find him and take him on the train to Cannes. Unfortunately that night he had panic attacks and nightmares following the earlier rape attack. He was screaming from his nightmare which woke the whole fucking hotel up but his father told everyone not to panic because his son had a horrible time earlier in the day. His father had to calm him down for 1 fucking hour whilst his mother books a counselling appointment for Stepan to recover. After a week of no recovery and fruitless attempts to get Stepan in to counselling, Stepan is diagnosed with PTSD via an online test he did with his parents. He refuses to be alone and always wants to be with his mum and dad 24/7.

Mr Bean sneaks back into France and tracks down Sabine. He stops her and Sabine swears at him several times. He smashes her car windows and puts duct tape around her arms and mouth. Sabine tries to escape and call the police but Bean destroys her phone and ties her to the seat before driving to Cannes. Mr Bean rapes her in the hotel room before getting her drunk on vodka and wine.

Trivia

The uncut film is rated R18 in the UK for graphic sex and rape. However it has been rated 18 on DVD and Blu-Ray via a pin code. The uncut version is rated NC-17 in the States. The cut version was eventually rated R cutting the rape toilet scene out. The film is banned in the Middle East, the entire Africa continent, North Korea, Indonesia, Brunei and China because of that scene and homosexual references. Many viewers complained about the rape scenes and there have been protests in several cities around the world some resulting in fucking bloody results.

Trivia

• Pee-wee Herman is a successful American mutation clone of Mr. Bean, with advanced speech abilities.
• The Jim Carrey film The Truman Show is believed to have been based on Mr. Bean. In fact, Jim Carrey is a clone of Mr. Bean, albeit without any of Mr. Bean's sense of humour.
• The makers of Lost, Survivor and I'm A Celebrity, Get Me On TV all cite Mr. Bean as inspiration.
• Mr. Bean was the guest referee at the 1994 F.A. Cup Final between Madchester Oasis and srerednaW notloB. Madchester Oasis went on to win 192-0.
• Mr. Bean is a lifelong supporter of Tufte, IL.
• Mr. Bean loves you.
• Mr. Bean went back to 1945 once, but went back home after he was trampled by a crowd at the end of the war.
• Mr. Bean was thinking about running his own show on PBS.
• Mr. Bean has an animation film company he works for called Bean Bag Productions, that put out such successful films as Never Talk to Strangers
• Mr. Bean is NOT edible on Wednesdays and every third Sundays. (O RLY?)
• Mr. Bean is also known as a Mr Steve Jewell, the old head teacher of a small all-boys school in the town of Worthing.
• Mr. Bean once beat Hulk Hogan for the title, only to lose it to the Ultimate Hasbean.
• Mr. Bean has an IQ of 1, which is much higher than the American national average.
• Mr. Bean has been known to make people fart.
• Mr. Bean did have an animated series which really sucked balls, and made people shoot themselves in the head. Mr. Bean felt like shit. Lord Zedd provided the voice for Mrs Wankitt.
• Mr. Bean has issues.
• Mr. Bean is nearly as retarded as you, but he's English, so it's statistically impossible for him to be 100% retarded.
• Mr. Bean's Screwed Porn Holiday is the most controversial movie of all time. It got banned in several countries and even an whole continent because of it's graphic sex and rape scenes. It was rated NC-17 uncut and R cut in the States. The UK version is rated 18 via a pin code otherwise it would have been banned.

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