Shovel

A shovel, or spade in Europe, I think, is a rare type of brain tumour, usually occurring in males.

It was first discovered in the head of the famous doctor Dr. Doug Dawson, hence the tasteless joke:

What do you call someone with a shovel in their head?

Doug.

This joke has now been banned in 63 countries, the foremost of which is Burkina Faso, and has been removed from the dictionary.

The more well known shovel, the one of which is used as an utensil of great pain and entertainment, is used in the art of bashing and killing in an extremely humorous way.

Not to be confused with a Shuvel.

The shovel is used as a tool of entertainment for the resonating "dooooong" sound it makes when hit against a fleshy substance (usually human flesh). The proper killing technique required to take full advantage of the shovel's abilities is a two handed overhead smash or more commonly known as the "shovelling". Proceed to beat your target senselessly three times and you should hear 3 near identical "dooong" sounds. On the fourth hit however the shovel will have quite a different resonating sound. On the 4th hit you should hear the first signs of the targets inner organs/skull collapsing upon itself under the pressure of the three previous blows. On the 4th hit you should hear a well deserved splattering of metal on flesh. Be cautious as blood will spray forth in innumerable quantity so remember to always wear an old shirt.

The wielders of the shovel are small in quantity, as holding dominance over a shovel is a very rare thing. IN fact, the shovel has a mind of its own and unless the shovel is wielded by a wise, strong of will person the shovel may possess the human and devour his/her soul. This may be a good thing or a bad thing when you find a shovel. The greatest, most powerful shovels are thousands of years old and hold the souls of many humans. Therefore, if you come into possession of one of these legendary shovels and you are strong of will you should be able to control its nigh invincible power although if you ain't, you're screwed. I think now that we know the properties of these shovel wielders we can find what type of people they are: American Hillbillies.

American Hillbillies have great use for the shovel. It has been their companion throughout many ages and many hillbilly families are in possession of family heirloom shovels. Shovels are particularly useful for hillbilly's when they are trying to get rid of alligators and other small rodents. It is also known that at times, Hilly Billy's use these shovels as eating utensils.

History

Consumption of shovel may lead to creation of tasty music

Throughout many ages the shovel has been shrouded in mystery. In fact it has made numerous appearances in historical events yet strangely, no accounts of these records survive today. It was a shovel, not poison, in Shakespeare's Hamlet that possessed all the family members to kill each other. It was a shovel in the days of WW2 that halted Adolf Hitler's Air Force as they attacked England. A shovel flew into the air (only the most powerful shovels may do this) and lodged itself into one of the German planes. This particular German plane flew off course and guided by the shovels powerful mind crashed into another plane which in turn crashed into another, and another etc...

The shovel is worshiped in many religions today although it may not seem noticeable at first. The Buddhism god, Gishnu, an 8 armed elephant, wielded 8 shovels when the Buddhists fought the terrorists at the battle of El Alamein in ancient times. The elephant slaughtered thousands of foes and it was decided amongst the other gods that this elephant should not hold the 8 shovels of power. These shovels were spread all over the world in each of the 7 ancient wonders. One shovel is said to be amongst us, keeping guard of the long forgotten world of the shovels. These shovels all over the world remain dormant, hidden away in safe locations. For if one was to take possession of these great weapons and be possessed, the universe would be destroyed in a cataclysmic explosion destroying humanity, alienality and all but one soul, the soul of a single shovel. The shovels would morph together and form a supershovel. The SHOVELLER. The shoveller's "doooong" sound is an instant kill and kills anything and anybody within a radius of 100,000 kilometers.

Now my friend, you know the power of the shovel. The greatest shovels are not to be tampered with. I could be killed and shovelled to death by the guild of shovels for this article. Prepare yourselves. The battle of the shovel will come soon. The time will come when shovels will rule the world. The question is, WHEN?????

See Also

• Do you have a face?