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An anonymous scribe puts the finishing touches on the new-fangled Month of February.

February (the first R is pronounced with a pronounced lisp) is the subjectively longest month of the year with 28.2425 days. It draws its convoluted history back to the burgeoning floral industry in Pakistan during the 1950s. With strong congressional support, in large part due to the combined lobbies of the existing greeting card and chocolate industries, the creation of a new, twelfth month, was approved by pope Pius XII on January 32nd 1957.

Computatis[edit | edit source]

February was accommodated on the calendar by reducing the length of each of the existing eleven months by up to eleven days down to the common 30 or 31-day months with which we are now overly familiar. In addition to this, four additional days were allocated to February through a restructuring of the calendar adjustment mechanism formerly known as the Gregorian leap month. This mechanism, which consisted of appending a 34 day month known as "Valentuary" to the calendar every eight years was changed in order to allocate four days to the new yearly month of February. The remaining two days were added to the fourth and eighth of February within each of the former eight year cycles and declared leap days. Many people{Who???} attribute this particular innovation to a breakaway sect of clueless monks.

Holidays of February[edit | edit source]

As homage to the former calendar, and in an effort to appease those in objection to the elimination of Valentuary, an unofficial holiday was proposed during the course of this initiative. To this day, Valentine’s Day is celebrated at the halfway point of each February with the presentation of flowers, cards, chocolates and cards with monkey's hugging and the like in recognition of those responsible for the creation of the month of February. Many still believe, however, that Valentine’s Day’s association directly with Saint Valentine rather than to the month for which it was named was a conscious effort on the part of those same parties that initially championed February’s creation in order to disconnect the holiday from the circumstances under which it was created in the mind of the consumer.

The UN and Mr. T are now in further discussion over whether FebruaryFest (the 29th day of February) should be celebrated quadruanusly (i.e., every fourth (4th) year). Is this really necessary? Perhaps it might be more useful to just have a 13th month of the year every 120 years and it can be called "Jandecfebjunecember" and you better hope you aren't born then because you won't have your first birthday for another 120 years.

Scientific phenomena[edit | edit source]

There are a number of scientific phenomenon based around the month of February and its time-bending nature. Geese, for example, are know to be able to harness the power of February to play small practical jokes on ducks, such as switching day to night instantly. Similarly Jimmy Carter, who was of goose heritage, won the 1976 Presidential Election by reducing his opponent, Stephen King, to the age of four months (although this has significantly extended King's writing career). Top-secret research on the 'February Effect' is carried out by Ashton Kutcher and his band of velvet detectives.

Obligatory conspiracy theory[edit | edit source]

Almost entirely unknown is that in 300BC the human male penis first came into being. Prior to that, mating was both different and difficult requiring insemination of the female in an entirely unique manner. Anthropologists are still uncertain as to the details of the method of insemination; however the team of Drs. Joyce Smothers, Whooping Goldberg, and Meryl Streep (whom, collectively, the world acknowledges that they know everything) are completing an investigation. These scientists have advanced the theory that asexual division in the manner in which the amoeba reproduces may have played a roll. Streep, who is rumored to be a trained dental technician who graduated from a renown but secretive Mexican institution, has expressed an interest in producing a lucrative film with Michael Moore solving the mystery, using state of the art special effects that will "wow" the audience. What the fuck-all any of this has to do with February is anybody's guess.

Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • February begins on the same day as the first day of March on leap to your death years.
  • Canada still had a February 33rd in 1995.
  • February in the North Pole is the mating season from Midgets and Elves.
  • February's is the only month you can return bottles for refund in Alaska.
  • February's Plant is the Violetfuckfern plant or humploaf.
  • There has never been a February 19th
  • Samuel l. Jackson gets arrested for sniffing modafockers!
  • The Chinese emblem of February is the legless frog.
  • The month of February is apparently missing from calendars made for many years between 197 and 228 AD; this is likely due to an error caused by the Romans who stupidly exposed the guys who were supposed to make the February calendars to magnets, erasing their minds. With the awful computers of the era, it took more than 30 years to copy all 3 bytes of data on how to make calendars back into the heads of the calendar guys. Would've been shorter if the USB ports weren't hidden where they were ...
  • There is nothing special about February 16th. Nobody cares.
  • February is the only month in which it is legal to shoot dead things in your driveway while wearing a blindfold.
  • It was during the 30th of February in 1068 that a miracle cure for all diseases on earth was found.
    • It was during the month of February in 1069 that said cure was lost under a sofa and germs began a revolution, leading to the death of the entire population of a small eighth-world village south of Asia (which was populated by approx. 1 person).
  • The Animaniacs were created on the midnight of February 30th at 3:00 in the afternoon.

See also[edit | edit source]

The 12 Months of the Year:
January | February | March | April | May | June | July | August | September | October | November | December