John Wayne
| |
|---|---|
 Wayne floats above a film set. | |
| Born |
|
| Died |
|
| Other names | the Duke |
| Occupation | Actor, Disruptor |
| Signature | |
 | |
John Wayne (born May 26, 1907) was/is an American actor well known for his roles in Surrealist Westerns, a film genre which he pioneered. Known professionally and romantically as the Duke, his film career spanned an estimated 1,700 films, twelve spatial dimensions, and a time dimension. He is the most written-about actor, as well as the only actor to be put on every government watch-list. He is now retired.
Birth[edit | edit source]
The original birthplace of John Wayne is heavily debated by historians and conspiracy theorists alike. Early accounts describe a portal opening over Iowa on May 19, 1907, followed by seven days of heavy rainfall. Then, on the 26th, a bright light reportedly descended from the eye of the storm, out of which Wayne stepped forward. His mother, Mary "Molly" Alberta Brown, denied this saying, "He was just born at the town hospital. What's wrong with you people?" Whether or not this telling of the Duke's birth is urban legend remains uncertain. In a 1942 interview, Wayne refused to answer questions regarding his materialization on planet earth.
Early life[edit | edit source]
At a very young age, Wayne began working at a local ranch. There he met his mentor who taught him self-discipline, hard work, and how to ride horsies. The ranch owner also taught him the ancient art of bilocation. (That'll be important later.) Using his skills, he got into show jumping, but he quickly learned that he much preferred to leave the horse in the stable and jump over the hurdles by himself. After two years of bilocal-horsing-around, he began to write little plays and skits and put on shows for his family. These were well received by his mother: "Isn't he so talented?"
Career[edit | edit source]
Wayne started with a modest acting career. He took every possible role he could get. He wanted experience, and was trying to find his voice. In 1920 he finally found it and has since spoken an estimated half a billion more vocabules – well above the national average for an entire lifetime.
After several years of playing extras and secondary roles in low-budget films, Wayne finally made his breakthrough in the 1926 hit film, The Great K & A Train Robbery. The silent film had a normal narrative compared to The Duke's later work, but his filmography did not remain orthodox for long. The Duke pioneered what would later be called the "Surrealist Western" as he grew tired of traditional narratives. Oddly though, he insisted on the themes of cowboys, guns, and cool hats, but all narrative elements strayed ever closer to the ävänt-gärdé with every film. The era of Surrealist Western truly started with The Duke's film The Quiet Man. Though it wasn't a silent film, there was no dialogue. The Duke stood menacingly in each shot, either somewhere hidden in the background or uncomfortably close. This anti-narrative film was the start of his foray into the surrealist Western genre, which he pioneered. Before the Duke made it big in Hollywood, his acting style was described as "weird" and "really hard to follow". His peculiar films grabbed the attention of many niche film lovers and his works became cult classics. Put simply, his films made no goddamn sense, and so people pretended to think that they were clever. This was still his earlier career before the world entered the Duke Film era.
The Duke film era[edit | edit source]
Wayne made national headlines one summer when he successfully acted in four films at once by using his skills in the ancient art of bilocation. (See, told you.) He literally acted in all these films at the exact same time across the country. Wayne continued to make movies in this way and became famous for his signature style of shifting in and out of perceptible space. His acting career heavily influenced what is now known as the "surrealist Western genre". The Duke started using this bi-location technique more and more. His agent would over-book him, but the Duke would complete four or five days' worth of work in just one day. He made money easily with his ability to make many films at once, but eventually stopped taking a salary for his roles. Directors struggled to keep up with his acting pace and most films needed extra directors, camera crews, and sets to accommodate the Duke's simultaneous acting.
Studios eventually succumbed to the multi-dimensionality of the Duke and began shifting all their resources towards films starring the Duke. This began the era which film historians refer to as "the Duke Event Horizon". By 1939, 96% of all domestic films had John Wayne as a cast member. For several years, Hollywood did not suffer any monetary loss since the Duke's overwhelming ubiquity was popular with movie-goers at the time. However, the public eventually grew tired of the Duke, and the industry began its decent into a recession (Duke-cession). As Wayne's films grew less and less popular, Hollywood struggled to find other outlets. Not even independent directors and film-makers could complete a small short film without the Duke manifesting somewhere in-frame, often hidden as a stand-in or passer-by. This began to upset people, leading to several instances where the crew on a film set would call 911 in hopes that law enforcement would take a stand against the Duke. The Duke was placed on the FBI's Most Wanted list, but the administrator of the FBI, John Edgar Hoover, stated "We have no intention of using any forceful measures on the Duke. I mean have you seen what the man can do?" For reasons that are still undetermined, the Duke suddenly stopped making and appearing in films. The U.S. tentatively went back to making "normal" films. The Duke's whereabouts are unknown to this day.
Dimensional paradoxes[edit | edit source]
Several attempts have been made to document and categorize the Duke's travels among dimensions, as well as his filmography. A paper by Dr. Francis Watkins made critical progress in the mapping of what he called "the Duke Multiverse". He also wrote the somewhat popular book "Introduction to John Wayne" which attempted cover the absolute basics of the Duke-verse. It was originally a four-volume set, but Watkins made a compact edition for students. To this day, Watkins' diagrams are the closest anyone has come to making sense of the Duke-verse. Approximately 40% of the Duke's films have been archived, though most have been lost to time.